Backsliding...what is wrong with me?
too much on my plate!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: not kissing frogs anymore
Posts: 646
Backsliding...what is wrong with me?
It's been almost two and half months since he has left. I've moved on physically to a larger city and to a new state, but yet I'm still constantly thinking about him, and what could've been. I'm keeping myself busy, but I still think about him no matter what I'm doing or where I go.
I thought moving would bring a little more closure and help me move on to bigger and better things. But I feel like at first, I was doing well, not missing him as much, feeling very liberated for kicking him to the curb..etc. etc. Then the move kept me very busy and I thought to myself, finally I can move out of this state and on with my life, and forget the memories we shared.
I was doing so well; now I'm missing what could've been and of course I miss him. I know that I don't want all of the ups and downs of a life with an active A. I know I deserve more for myself, but he was my best friend at one time, we had a certain bond that was more then just a bf/gf bond; it was very special.This isn't easy!!!!!!!!
Everyone said over time it gets easier; why has it all of a sudden gotten harder and I'm missing him more? I'm so frustrated with myself!!!
Thanks for listening,
Savana
I thought moving would bring a little more closure and help me move on to bigger and better things. But I feel like at first, I was doing well, not missing him as much, feeling very liberated for kicking him to the curb..etc. etc. Then the move kept me very busy and I thought to myself, finally I can move out of this state and on with my life, and forget the memories we shared.
I was doing so well; now I'm missing what could've been and of course I miss him. I know that I don't want all of the ups and downs of a life with an active A. I know I deserve more for myself, but he was my best friend at one time, we had a certain bond that was more then just a bf/gf bond; it was very special.This isn't easy!!!!!!!!
Everyone said over time it gets easier; why has it all of a sudden gotten harder and I'm missing him more? I'm so frustrated with myself!!!
Thanks for listening,
Savana
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Lancaster
Posts: 120
I broke up with my exABF in January and I still think about him and I also think about what could have been. I think this is normal - I don't think there is anything wrong with me. I have been thinking about this a lot lately as he has popped back into my life again and I think what I have realized is that on an intellectual level I know we are done and I know I will never go back to him but on an emotional level I am still stuck to some extent. I think it just takes some of us longer to get past the emotional stuff. When we are finally ready to move on we will. I love my life now and I have so much going for me and for the most part I have moved on but I still have feelings for and about him, I think that is okay, I think we need to feel so we can move on. Not sure if this makes any sense - I know what I'm thinking I'm just having a hard time expressing it in writing.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: CA
Posts: 109
Hi Savana
I want to add my name down to that as well!!! I was in a shop today and I saw a birthday card. It was the same one as he bought me last year at this time. We were on holiday together he had been sober for 8 days and I was so proud of him. Well I stood in the shop and cried. I know how you feel. Its like taking 4 steps forward and three back but hey we are still one forwards to where we were before.
Alc is a horrid disease it sure wrecks lives and dreams and thats what hurts. Someone told me "its not how things were, nor how they could be - its how they are". I couldnt deal with the present. The future was wonderful - married, gardens, children but hey snap back to reality and what is it like?? Coming home to him asleep in the middle of the floor. Late night calls from the hospital, affairs, no money, etc...
There has to be better days. Look forwards and remember you always have that extra step behind you.
Hug
I want to add my name down to that as well!!! I was in a shop today and I saw a birthday card. It was the same one as he bought me last year at this time. We were on holiday together he had been sober for 8 days and I was so proud of him. Well I stood in the shop and cried. I know how you feel. Its like taking 4 steps forward and three back but hey we are still one forwards to where we were before.
Alc is a horrid disease it sure wrecks lives and dreams and thats what hurts. Someone told me "its not how things were, nor how they could be - its how they are". I couldnt deal with the present. The future was wonderful - married, gardens, children but hey snap back to reality and what is it like?? Coming home to him asleep in the middle of the floor. Late night calls from the hospital, affairs, no money, etc...
There has to be better days. Look forwards and remember you always have that extra step behind you.
Hug
too much on my plate!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: not kissing frogs anymore
Posts: 646
Thank you for the replies!
I just feel that I've moved on SO much, why I'm I turning around now and looking back? It's as though I'm sabotaging my life today, in some weird way. Must be the Codie in me.
I just feel that I've moved on SO much, why I'm I turning around now and looking back? It's as though I'm sabotaging my life today, in some weird way. Must be the Codie in me.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 2,333
Savana....NOTHING is wrong with you....I for one have felt this way about my ex many, many times. I too think of all the "what ifs" and "what could have beens." I realize this is wasted time because my ex wasn't the man to provide me with what it would take to have a future. The future that I deserved. You loved your ex very much, of course it is going to take some time to get past it. That is who you are. If you were not a loving person you wouldn't think twice about him now.....but you my friend have a heart, a loving heart, that has been broken. Give youself more time these feelings too will pass. Just acknowledging that you may be sabotaging your own life is powerful....you know the possibilty exsists so you are aware and that is an advantage. Don't give in to any temptation today...remember one day at a time...
Love, Patty
Love, Patty
Cruelty-Free
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Body: South Florida Heart: Yosemite National Park
Posts: 914
Two things I learned in the Al-Anon literature:
1) It's ok to look at the past, but not to stare.
2) Sanity is what I can expect when I stop wishing for a better past.
Someone shared this recently, and I could definitely relate: I'm in love with potential, with what could've been.
I remember, before calling it quits with my ex, looking up the words "potential" and "actual" in the dictionary. I was sometimes so blinded by the potential I saw in her (who she could be, were she not so broken) that I couldn't see the actual mess she and I were in. I needed to come out of my denial and live in reality, no matter how sad that reality was.
1) It's ok to look at the past, but not to stare.
2) Sanity is what I can expect when I stop wishing for a better past.
Someone shared this recently, and I could definitely relate: I'm in love with potential, with what could've been.
I remember, before calling it quits with my ex, looking up the words "potential" and "actual" in the dictionary. I was sometimes so blinded by the potential I saw in her (who she could be, were she not so broken) that I couldn't see the actual mess she and I were in. I needed to come out of my denial and live in reality, no matter how sad that reality was.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: DooDooville, USA
Posts: 453
Hi Savana,
It's a part of the grief process. A breakup or a divorce is a similar kind of pain like that of losing a loved one in death.
You'll have good days and bad. But, you've just gone through TWO major changes in your life. Leaving him and moving to a new area. That's a big task and you're really strong. Hang in there.
We have to go through the pain.....not around it, under it or over it, but right straight through. Feel it and cry or whatever you need to do and get it out. Don't keep it in. That's how people get sick.
You said you were going into counseling soon, right? That's important to be able to talk about it and say what ever you wanna say and get the guidance you need cuz alot of times, ...........we can't see what we need.
You're doing really well. Hang in there and it does start getting easier, believe it or not.
It's a part of the grief process. A breakup or a divorce is a similar kind of pain like that of losing a loved one in death.
You'll have good days and bad. But, you've just gone through TWO major changes in your life. Leaving him and moving to a new area. That's a big task and you're really strong. Hang in there.
We have to go through the pain.....not around it, under it or over it, but right straight through. Feel it and cry or whatever you need to do and get it out. Don't keep it in. That's how people get sick.
You said you were going into counseling soon, right? That's important to be able to talk about it and say what ever you wanna say and get the guidance you need cuz alot of times, ...........we can't see what we need.
You're doing really well. Hang in there and it does start getting easier, believe it or not.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Arizona
Posts: 928
(((Savana)))
2.5 months is not alot of time!! Grief is a process...you can't hurry it..
I can tell you that for me - it's almost been a year and I'm doing well..Dating a wonderful man..I'm working my program so I don't make any of the same mistakes or fall back on the same behaviors..but you know what..I've already made a change..this one is not an alcoholic! (first one in years that isn't)..and he's pretty damn healthy too..
But it took me a long time (9+months) to get to this place..if my guy wasn't so wonderful and patient and kind and caring, I'm sure I would not be dating...but god obviously answered some of my prayers..
I'm still walking through fear with my new guy but he's worth it! (AND I'M WORTH IT!!)
Hang in there..have a good cry..
Minx
2.5 months is not alot of time!! Grief is a process...you can't hurry it..
I can tell you that for me - it's almost been a year and I'm doing well..Dating a wonderful man..I'm working my program so I don't make any of the same mistakes or fall back on the same behaviors..but you know what..I've already made a change..this one is not an alcoholic! (first one in years that isn't)..and he's pretty damn healthy too..
But it took me a long time (9+months) to get to this place..if my guy wasn't so wonderful and patient and kind and caring, I'm sure I would not be dating...but god obviously answered some of my prayers..
I'm still walking through fear with my new guy but he's worth it! (AND I'M WORTH IT!!)
Hang in there..have a good cry..
Minx
too much on my plate!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: not kissing frogs anymore
Posts: 646
Thank you to everyone! I love you guys so much!! 
Ok...I think maybe my very first or second post on here back in January, someone mentioned "take the pain, that's right take it." I feel maybe for the first time I'm truly grieving without replacing him with someone else. I mean not right after a break up would I do that, but maybe a few months later I would be back dating or at least talking to a new guy on the phone. This time I'm not, and don't intend to, since I know I have to work on myself first and foremost. Not falling back into the same mistakes I made before.
But...I'm taking the pain, crying through it, grieving the whole nine yards, but people said it will get easier. How come it's not? I miss him so so much right now...
GF-Yes, I'm starting counseling on the 10th. It will actually be free, since this new Counselor has just moved into my new Drs. clinic. I think after she gets settled I will then start to be charged on a sliding fee scale. So yes, can't wait to start counseling.
I also start a new job tonight. All of these changes..don't know where to start. I just miss him....I hate grieving...
Ok...I think maybe my very first or second post on here back in January, someone mentioned "take the pain, that's right take it." I feel maybe for the first time I'm truly grieving without replacing him with someone else. I mean not right after a break up would I do that, but maybe a few months later I would be back dating or at least talking to a new guy on the phone. This time I'm not, and don't intend to, since I know I have to work on myself first and foremost. Not falling back into the same mistakes I made before.
But...I'm taking the pain, crying through it, grieving the whole nine yards, but people said it will get easier. How come it's not? I miss him so so much right now...
GF-Yes, I'm starting counseling on the 10th. It will actually be free, since this new Counselor has just moved into my new Drs. clinic. I think after she gets settled I will then start to be charged on a sliding fee scale. So yes, can't wait to start counseling.
I also start a new job tonight. All of these changes..don't know where to start. I just miss him....I hate grieving...
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Boy I can relate.
And the worse part is my ex-abf showed up at the meeting I attend last night. But you know what..... I saw his truck, knew he was there and could have kept on driving, but I did not. I put on my lipstick, said a prayer and marched my little butt right into that meeting, He did not approach me nor talk to me and he was not with his sponsor or normal group of people so I have no idea why he came... he knows I go there every week. After my meeting I turned to a friend who knew and asked if I handled it with grace and she said YES! Wooohoo. I even managed to enjoy the meeting. Its been 4 months since the last time we were together and 8 months since the big break.
Yep I was spinning last night, yep I think about him everyday but its getting better. Give yourself time to adjust to the change.... just to grieve.
And the worse part is my ex-abf showed up at the meeting I attend last night. But you know what..... I saw his truck, knew he was there and could have kept on driving, but I did not. I put on my lipstick, said a prayer and marched my little butt right into that meeting, He did not approach me nor talk to me and he was not with his sponsor or normal group of people so I have no idea why he came... he knows I go there every week. After my meeting I turned to a friend who knew and asked if I handled it with grace and she said YES! Wooohoo. I even managed to enjoy the meeting. Its been 4 months since the last time we were together and 8 months since the big break.
Yep I was spinning last night, yep I think about him everyday but its getting better. Give yourself time to adjust to the change.... just to grieve.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Im not so Brave... I shook like a leaf the whole meeting, and my girlfriend had to remind me to breath.
And yep you would handle it. God only gives you what you can handle, if you had to you would find a way to deal.... *laughs* sometimes its better then others.
The point of it all is that walking through the pain deal... now that your not as busy you have time to heal... now you can think, cry and heal. Possibly what you have done so far is just get to a safe place to finish your recovery.
And yep you would handle it. God only gives you what you can handle, if you had to you would find a way to deal.... *laughs* sometimes its better then others.
The point of it all is that walking through the pain deal... now that your not as busy you have time to heal... now you can think, cry and heal. Possibly what you have done so far is just get to a safe place to finish your recovery.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Litterbox City
Posts: 5,691
((savanah)) you are doing great and a new job to boot! take care of yourself and let yourself FEEL. i have been not feeling for so long that i wish i could - good & bad. hang in there!
hugs - christie
hugs - christie
Reikihelps
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: PA
Posts: 221
go easy on yourself, Savanna,
you're doing well. And you're feeling, even though that's rough, and not avoiding it. Additionally you're sharing it in a healthy way. ...bravo, girlfriend. Those are steps in the right direction.
((hugs))
Reikihelps
you're doing well. And you're feeling, even though that's rough, and not avoiding it. Additionally you're sharing it in a healthy way. ...bravo, girlfriend. Those are steps in the right direction.
((hugs))
Reikihelps
Member
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Home
Posts: 338
I so understand that feeling. Sometimes I feel like I am just walking on one of those machines where your walking and walking but you are not actually moving forward. But if I STOP walking or get tripped up by something, then I move backwards! Which of course can be absolutely maddening and I get to fealing so beat down- that is when it’s time to reach out for support to help steady back up and keep walking and walking and move forward if even just the slightest bit. In all this, the slightest bit can be a lot.
Hang in there you are doing great
Hang in there you are doing great
Occasional poor taste poster
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
Savana - I go through the same thing. Been almost a year since she moved out. The hard part is she calls me from time to time w/ crap like I'm sorry, you're a good man, what are you doing tonight?...
Everytime I read these posts, it reminds me I did the right thing. That seems to help me a great deal. A lot of "move on" material here that I can't seem to get enough of.
Everytime I read these posts, it reminds me I did the right thing. That seems to help me a great deal. A lot of "move on" material here that I can't seem to get enough of.
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