Running into it....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Javatown
Posts: 92
Running into it....
Hi Everyone! Have not posted here in a good stretch.
Over the summer, my active A brought up the subject of really being together and -gulp- starting a family. We've been seeing each other for the last 2.5 years straight, off and on over a span of nearly 20 years. (I've been in recovery with Al-Anon for over a year now, which has changed my life for the better in every aspect.) Ok, so you get the time frames haha.
Anyway, my A has made no mention of sobriety, works the over-night shift (I work days M-F) with 2 weeknights off. My whole life happens while he is sleeping. He lives about 15 minutes away from me in non-rush hour traffic, so we don't see each other much. He about choked when I came up with a financial plan for us to have children & realized daycare is $1,000 monthly and what kind of salary he'd need to make etc etc. Needless to say, we 86ed the plan after a month of negotiations this last spring.
I am carrying on with my masterplan with or without him: cash in crazy equity I've got in my TH, move down south to pay cash for my dream house, work PT and finish college. I plan to do this before Halloween, too. Sounds great to me. The 'But wait' in this story is do I invite him to my plan? This would be our ticket together to afford children. I don't want to choose to raise children with an active A (which I told him during our negotiations). Do I simply say good bye on moving day and leave the love of my life behind? The hardest walk.......Any experiences or opinions?
Over the summer, my active A brought up the subject of really being together and -gulp- starting a family. We've been seeing each other for the last 2.5 years straight, off and on over a span of nearly 20 years. (I've been in recovery with Al-Anon for over a year now, which has changed my life for the better in every aspect.) Ok, so you get the time frames haha.
Anyway, my A has made no mention of sobriety, works the over-night shift (I work days M-F) with 2 weeknights off. My whole life happens while he is sleeping. He lives about 15 minutes away from me in non-rush hour traffic, so we don't see each other much. He about choked when I came up with a financial plan for us to have children & realized daycare is $1,000 monthly and what kind of salary he'd need to make etc etc. Needless to say, we 86ed the plan after a month of negotiations this last spring.
I am carrying on with my masterplan with or without him: cash in crazy equity I've got in my TH, move down south to pay cash for my dream house, work PT and finish college. I plan to do this before Halloween, too. Sounds great to me. The 'But wait' in this story is do I invite him to my plan? This would be our ticket together to afford children. I don't want to choose to raise children with an active A (which I told him during our negotiations). Do I simply say good bye on moving day and leave the love of my life behind? The hardest walk.......Any experiences or opinions?
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Wonderful plans! 
Congratulations!
If you decide to carry him with you and to have children...
are you prepared to shoulder all the day to day expenses?
What about exposing your children to a drunken Dad?
Do not expect him to change or be responsible.
Your call.
Blessings to both of you..
Congratulations!If you decide to carry him with you and to have children...
are you prepared to shoulder all the day to day expenses?
What about exposing your children to a drunken Dad?
Do not expect him to change or be responsible.
Your call.
Blessings to both of you..
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: folkestone, kent
Posts: 25
The hardest walk will turn out to be the best walk you ever made! Have faith in your future. Find a decent man who doesn't need to drink, who will be a supportive and excellent role model for your future kids.
My sister brought up her children with her A husband, thinking he would change because he was the love of her life. He never did. 22 years later she is in debt with two emotionally disturbed sons on her hands and an alcoholic husband whom she despises. She wishes she had walked. Her life would have been a lot different. I feel very sorry for her but only she can make the move to get out of the mess. Why bring misery upon yourself when your future could be so rosy? This is your chance so go for it and don't look back, look forward to a wonderful life ahead.
My sister brought up her children with her A husband, thinking he would change because he was the love of her life. He never did. 22 years later she is in debt with two emotionally disturbed sons on her hands and an alcoholic husband whom she despises. She wishes she had walked. Her life would have been a lot different. I feel very sorry for her but only she can make the move to get out of the mess. Why bring misery upon yourself when your future could be so rosy? This is your chance so go for it and don't look back, look forward to a wonderful life ahead.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: over the rainbow
Posts: 487
sometimes i wonder if they want to get married and have children so that they will have you in a permanent vice grip for the rest of their lives. maybe trying to secure their security with kids. the alcohol will win over the kids at every turn. i am in that right now and it is devastating to truly realize this.-devastating to the children too- they didn't ask to be brought into his and my insanity-but they get the emotional sledgehammer- when their ******* father would prefer to stay holed up in his cell of an apartment and not afford anything except his ******* beer and drugs. -doesn't leave much room for them and their needs being taken care of from their ******* father. but they have learned from him well how to behave around him...turn on the tv and sit there.
Occasional poor taste poster
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
If I could turn back time and NOT expose my children, (from a previous marriage) to my active A ex wife, I would in a hart beat. I'll be cashing in on my equity and moving south to my dream house as well. But not with the love of my life, or at least it looks like that to me know. I'm hoping the REAL love of my life will enjoy the house, when I find her.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: folkestone, kent
Posts: 25
CRAZYRED!
Listen to the advice these people are giving you. They've been there and done it. You can learn by their mistakes. If you want your alcoholic to come along for the ride, go ahead but don't involve innocent children in the game. Don't even think about it. It is not fair to bring a child in to this world and make them suffer. I despise my sister for not having the guts to leave her alcoholic. Her eldest son has been to prison for helping his alcoholic father - who got caught stealing alcohol. He actually went to his defense and ended up in jail. What kind of a future does he have now?? It makes me sick!!
If you want kids then find a decent father for them. If you want an alcoholic in your life and the drama that goes with him, then go ahead and do it.
Read about what children of alcoholics have to say about their lives. That might help you make a sensible decision. All of the now 'grown up' children of alcholics I have met at Al-anon meetings are very good at describing their horrible experiences. My heart goes out to them.
Don't let your heart rule your head. Sounds like you've got a great future ahead. Just find yourself a new partner for Gods sake!
Sorry, don't mince my words.....
Listen to the advice these people are giving you. They've been there and done it. You can learn by their mistakes. If you want your alcoholic to come along for the ride, go ahead but don't involve innocent children in the game. Don't even think about it. It is not fair to bring a child in to this world and make them suffer. I despise my sister for not having the guts to leave her alcoholic. Her eldest son has been to prison for helping his alcoholic father - who got caught stealing alcohol. He actually went to his defense and ended up in jail. What kind of a future does he have now?? It makes me sick!!
If you want kids then find a decent father for them. If you want an alcoholic in your life and the drama that goes with him, then go ahead and do it.
Read about what children of alcoholics have to say about their lives. That might help you make a sensible decision. All of the now 'grown up' children of alcholics I have met at Al-anon meetings are very good at describing their horrible experiences. My heart goes out to them.
Don't let your heart rule your head. Sounds like you've got a great future ahead. Just find yourself a new partner for Gods sake!
Sorry, don't mince my words.....
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