Mycroft

For a year and a half I was with someone who I loved very much, she and I got engaged a few months ago. There was some doubt in my mind, but I wanted to believe that we could work things out, but for five years - since she split with the father of her daughter - she has been drinking. It became clear that she was not willing to change and became defensive when I asked her if she would deal with it, she said that I had to accept her as she was, and accept her drinking. She also said that she would not be with me if she was sober. So we have split up. It has been almost 2 months now.

If she loved me, truly, would she not rather give up the booze? But she has chosen the booze.

Now, I am trying to accept that it is over, painful as it is, but I am worried for her. She needs support to deal with this problem and I don't believe she will get that from friends, because they all drink, and she hides the extent of her problem from them.

Should I have stayed? She needs support to deal with this and I know that we had a strong relationship because we dealt with so much else, and had made great steps. Can I help her now that we are apart?

Any advice would be appreciated.

minnie

Mycroft, welcome to SR from a fellow Brit. You've found a great place for support here.

I think this is true in any relationship. Trying to change another person is impossible. And she has, at least, been honest with you in that she won't stop drinking, which is more than many of us here have experienced.

It's not a question of choice, in a sense. She drinks because, without recovery, she doesn't know there's another way of dealing with life on life's terms. I know it's painful - I went through the same with my ex.

If she were in recovery (AA or therapy), then I would say yes, support her. But if she's not, what would you be supporting her in? Check out this thread - it is the most eloquent post on making a decision of support that I have ever read.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ad.php?t=65453

Have you thought about Al-anon meetings? There are loads in London and there you will find a lot of answers to your questions.

Keep coming back to read and post. The sticky and power posts at the top of here and the nar-anon board are great.

Looking forward to getting to know you.

Love

Minnie
xxx

Cynay

Welcome Mycroft.... Im glad you found us.

Im guessing she is an Alcholic otherwise it would not be a problem, and I dont mean to come off hard but here it gos....

YOU CANT HELP HER.... If she is an A, then it does not matter what you say, if you were there, or how much you love...Nothing will work.... it will get worse and worse and she will take you down with her. They do not think like you do, all you would do is make it easier for her to drink cuz you would take care of everything and not let her hit "her rock bottom" Remember something.... you did not cause it, you cant control it and you can not cure it... Go to Nar-anon and read "what addicts do" It took me forever to figure this out and let it sink in.... my ex-abf did not love me, he cant because he does not love himself...

I wish I could give you to foolproof way to help them, to say there is a happy ever after cuz I soooo wanted that for myself too. I still love him but have to believe that I was removed from that situation for a reason... probably the reason being is my sanity. I would suggest Al-anon it certainly has helped me to see things differently with this disease and it gives me the support of people that have gone through what I have.

Hang in there ... read read read and realize there is nothing you can do hon.

Mycroft

Thanks Minnie, for the advice and for the link - It was good to read, and the poster there definitely seems to have done exactly the right thing. Reading these posts and being acquainted with alcoholism has really helped me to understand better what has happened.

I didn't know that the partner of an alcoholic could go to an Al-Anon meeting, but I will do this if I can get more information without infringing on anyone else.

Thanks for your post, look forward to reading more


Hi Cynay, thanks for the welcome. I think she is an alcoholic because I looked at several checklists on medical sites, and she ticked most of the boxes - I asked her if she had ever seen these checklists and she said she had, and so I know that she knows she has a problem as far as the definition goes - but she won't face it.

Sorry to hear that you also love someone, but that you have had to save your sanity - I have felt this too.

It's hard to accept that there's nothing you can do, but I am getting the message. I will just try to come to terms with this. I will try Al-anon, thanks for your help and support.

Best wishes to you both, thanks for your posts

Mycroft

Hi Dakoda, I see that I can't do anything. I feel guilty though, because I left her, I was forced to - we were looking at houses and planning a future, but with this glaring problem she wouldn't deal with.

Thanks for your post, I value the straight answers I am getting here, even though they might hurt, because I need to understand my situation and what I can do.

Thanks for your help, everyone

meli2005

Sounds like a really heartbreaking situation. Don't take her desire to drink as a sign that she doesn't love you. I don't think the alcoholic drinks w/the intent that it will always hurt others. But man does it hurt!!


It sounds like she is choosing to hang around bad influences. I think it you get back involved with her by trying to help her, you will cause yourself more heartbreak. The decision to get help must come from her. WE all want to think we can truly help an alcoholic, but they have to be the one to do the work and seek out help, etc.

minnie

Meli's right - it's not about love. I was talking to an AA member tonight at my al-anon meeting (AA meetings are in the same building). He is 10 years sober after 30 odd years very heavy drinking. He said tonight that he had NO idea that anyone else was suffering because of his drinking. He only realised when he went to open al-anon meetings after he got into recovery. He is a lovely chap with a heart of gold and he said this with no malice.

There's another thread that might help
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ad.php?t=65193

CodeMaster

she does need help, but shell have to figure this out on her own, like some said you cant do anything for her... id advise staying apart and honestly your protecting yourself this way and you need to at this stage of her alcoholism. be her friend, but dont date her no matter how hard it is, not until she has recovered and when i say recovered i mean more then stop drinking but pass the dry drunk stage but even then you have to ask yourself if your willing to have your kids raised by an alcholic because at anytime she may fall off the wagon and if you choose to take this risk, the choice is yours .

any case, wish you the very best and destiny will let you know what the right way is no matter what.

Pick-a-name

I agree; really helped me see how much of the bizarre behavior is typical of the disease........made me learn not to take things quite so personally. Also; the people sharing their lead give me hope that some people actually can and DO recover, and those that do the work can even enhance their lives from it. They are also the ones that have remorse; and say how their family members were right not to help make it easy to stay doing what they were doing. Gave me more compassion but also helped me detatch; in a good way,

Best of luck to you; I hate this disease.too.

p.s. See Minnie's thread about speaker tapes...try listening to some of them, if you like....