twister

Here is my story--I warn you it is long.

I have been married for almost 9 years now and have 3 boys ages 8, 5, and 3.

I need help deciding on whether to keep the marriage or end it. I'll start out by describing how the marriage has been over the 9 years.

Our marriage has never been a strong marriage, over the years I would tell my wife that I did not Love her, then turn around and tell her I did--I kept doing this over and over for the duration of our marriage. During the latter part of the marriage about 3 years ago I got addicted to playing a game on the computer. I would get home from work at around 7 and go straight to the computer til it was bed time. On my days off I would get up and play the game til bedtime. Recently I found out that my wife was drinking behind my back for 2 years--she would wait till I went to bed and sit up and drink till she went to sleep. There was times during the day that I would call from work and she was still in bed around 1:00PM, while my kids were home--there were times when my 3 year old son would answer the phone and talk to me while trying to wake his mommy up..She got to the point to where she started drinking 2-1/2 pints of Vodka a day. My relatives would come get the kids and she would wake up and have no idea where they were. She finally realized she was destoying herself and the kids so she committed herself into a detox program-While she was in the detox program I did not stick by her side. In fact I told her I wanted a divorce--I did not call her or go to see her---well when it was time for her to get out she decided to go stay with a few people she met in detox---while she was gone I realized how much she really meant to me and My Love felt so strong for her, stronger than ever---after 4 or 5 days we decided to try to make a new start and she came home. We were getting along great and I was staying off the computer making her my #1 priority. Then after about 4 days she tells me she is confused and does not know what she wants. She wanted to go back to her friends and stay and I didn't want her too. The next day while I was at work she called me and said that she had drank a pint of vodka and needed me at home to be with her--so I left work and came home--she was really drunk and we got into an argument, She ended up taking 15 of her anti-depressant perscriptions--I called the ambulance and we took her to the hospital, that night she was on a ventilator and the next morning she came off of it and apologized for everything and said she wants to get help again so she went to another detox program and we take her--while she was in this detox I talked to her every night and stood by her side through it all---She was there for 4 days and I went to visit her and she tells me she wants to seperate, My heart was broken--I told her that I can't seperate that if its going to anything I have to divorce her and try to get full custody of my children--That night I bring her home and she leaves to go back to her friends-we argued on the phone for a couple of days and she insists that I give her joint custody..But I cannot do that--I don't want to take a chance of her relapsing if the kids were around---while she has been away I can do nothing but think of her and miss her. Now when I talk to her she wants to know if I will take her back and we can make a new start--I am confused and don't know what to do. I don't want to think about my life without her. and I think that if I don't give her another chance maybe I will ruin a Love that was really meant to be. On the other hand I am afraid that if I do take her back--that it could all happen again and my heart will be torn to threads. My heart says to take her back and give her another chance-But my mind is confused. My family thinks it will be wrong for me to take her back after all that she has done-They feel that the kids will be in danger. I am stuck and don't know what to do-she told me to think about it tonight and to let her know tomorrow. I know that I can only decide what to do myself--I am just wanting some opinions from other Al-Anon members who might have already encountered something like this.

Any opinions will be appreciated. Sorry about the long post.

Ann

Twister

Welcome to our forum. First of all, what other people think really doesn't matter. Don't make any decisions based on what people who are not involved think.

Because of the safety of the children, I would think twice about taking her back at least until her recovery is more stable. Detox is not very long, and maybe a rehab program would help her even more, if she is willing. Also AA would be a good start for her but again she has to be willing, and not just to please you or get her children. You are powerless over her addiction and over her recovery. That all has to come from her, when she is ready.

But this is about you, and your children. My suggestion would be for her to either enter rehab, or stay with safe friends, while you two try to work things out. Give it time and space for you each to decide how you feel about each other and your future together. You don't have to make any decisions today. Just protect the children while this is going on.

And you may want to try an Al-Anon meeting. There are people there just like you who can offer support and hope, and start you on your own recovery program. You are both on shaky ground right now, and the sooner at least one of you gets balanced, the better off you will be.

And feel free to share here and aks questions. We are here to support and encourage you and are glad to have you join us.

twister

thank you so much, you have really hit the spot and made some great points---The only bad thing about it is that she has no other friend and her family never really has ever had anything to do with her. They have told her that she cannot stay with them--The reason I am trying to decide quickly is because I have an appointment with a lawyer tomorrow and don't know if I should go for the divorce. All this time that she has been gone i have raised my kids on my own. I am just wondering that if I go ahead and decide on the divorce that it is really going to be over. I feel that If I don't file for divorce that she possibly might beat me to the punch and file for one--I have no idea what her friends are putting in her head--I really feel that if she lost all contact with those so called friends that it would be so much better. But there really is no place for her to go.

Thank again, Looking forward to your comments.

Clowie

((((((((((((twister))))))))))))))))))

calm down and take a deep breath... You don't have to do anything today.... Think before you do... You don't want to regret anything that you choose to do...

Divorce... it's a nasty thing... My husband and I are currently seperated... This seperation has been good for me... I'm taking one day at a time... and trying to keep the focus on me... As for divorce... I'm not ready to think about it right now... He may beat me to the "punch" but that will be his decision...

I would slow down and really think about what it is that you want to do... It sounds like you really love your wife... Maybe you should spend some time with yourself... Be good to you...

Your friend... Clowie

twister

Yes you are right I do need to slow down--When I talk to my wife tomorrow, I am going to explain to her that she needs to get away from those friends and find a reliable place to stay and get control of herself. I just wish there was someone for her to go and stay---because I feel that if she was away from that bunch, she would be a better person---she wants to get away from them and come back here to live--I just need to stand strong and tell her she has a chance if she leaves those friends for good--cause those friends were in rehab and have no desire to be clean, she insist that the whole time she has been up there that she has been clean. But I'll never know the truth--It would just be so much easier if she had somewhere elso to go while we tried to take things slow and work things out.

I am so impressed with your alls support, it is deeply appreciated. Thank You so very much.

Cajun girl

I can't give an opinion as this is your life. All I can do is say that decisions come when they are ready. Any ambiguity is a message. Slow down a bit. I think that's good advice.

Those of us that live with alcoholics are used to working in crisis mode. I've learned that decisions made in crisis mode and/or rushing, pushing, controlling outcomes have not been good ones.

You can always make another appt. with the lawyer. It is your wife's responsibility to find a place to go. (Easier said than done, I know). Take a breather, a step back, pray, and then wait. Wait for the answers to come.

Hope this helps, it is what I have learned the short time I've been in Al-Anon.

spindell

Hi twister,
i cant really say much more than whats already been said, But i do feel that if your unsure then, rescedule your appointment with your lawyer.

There's a saying over here in england, which is , IF IN DOUBT LEAVE IT OUT!


And its true, , take small steps.

Hope things improve for u


love spin

twister

I want to thank all of you for your opinions and comments, It really makes me feel better that there are people out there willing to help total strangers. She is supposed to come down tonight and we are going to sit down and really discuss this. I will keep you all informed, because even though I know none of you. You can help me through this---to me this seems better than counseling beleive it or not---It just a releif to express my feeling and hurt and not hold them in. Thanks once again.

Patsyd1

Hi ((((((((((Twister)))))))))))))))

I can not add to what has already been said... really good suggestions.

Slow down, and "When in doubt, DON'T".... is the best suggestion while going through this painful time. Waiting for a clearer head, and less chaos.... will help you and the situation.

Take care, and remember.... "Easy Does It"...

Patsy

JT

Welcome Twister,

Alanon was suggested above and I think you should consider it. If you think this is better than councelling you should try that! There is a bunch of literature out there for just this sort of problem...there is a post at the top of this forum with suggested reading.

I usually recommend that people learn a bit about what they are facing...you want her to change and that may never happen. You are connected for life because of the children so you might as well get informed. There is also a sticky post at the top of the Naranon forum called "addictive personality". It is a good read.

Hugs,
JT

RedAPBT

(((twister)))

Welcome and wow - I cannot really add to what was said. I can only tell you to try Al-Anon, read some literature and take it one day at a time...

Love in the fellowship,
Red

twister

Well all she just left and everything seemed to go great--It was kinda like we were dating again--I do still have caution in my heart. She has agreed to let me help her find a place down here close to me and the kids, she is willing to make a new start and take it day by day. and that is exactly what I'm going to do-take it day by day. Me and her has actually came to an agreement that we will get a dissolution and she will give me full custody--that proves alot to me. We can start from scratch and not take advantage of each other because we are still officially married.

I want to share an experience that I had with everyone-especially those that may not truly beleive in a Higher Power.

Last night as I laid and tried to go to sleep I spoke to the HP, I asked him to take her and my life into his hands and guide us down the right path, I asked to bless us with a happy life, I said Amen and after a few seconds I asked him to please show me a sign that he was listening. I then looked up at my television and I was watching the tv guide channel, And I saw where it listed the show "Heaven Help Us"

Anyways I found that so weird that as soon as I looked up at the TV that it showed that. now I know that the HP is watching over us--He is watching over ALL of us.

Bless you all and have a good night.

Hangin' In

Twister,

Your higher power (I call mine God... ) is ALWAYS with you. Find strength in knowing that. You are never alone in your problems and He desires a happier life for you. Now what He requires of you is faith and action. And that action sometimes means we have to make adjustments in our life.

Sounds like you are taking steps to make those adjustments. I know your higher power is pleased.

And do try Al Anon. Great support there!

Peter

Hi Twister.
Welcome to the forum.If you continue to maintain an open mind I have no doubt you will be able to cope with your wifes drinking.

But you mentioned something in your first post about "addicted to a computer game".

You might want to take a deeper look at that.