need to vent
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: nowheresville
Posts: 872
need to vent
Hi All,
Just a little vent here.
It became clear to me, very clear to me yesterday after two years that my clean for 31/2 years boyfriend seems to have no idea how to put his words and actions together to form one.
The words whisper and he does a lot of whispering but there are no actions behind them.
It's an odd thing, which I'm sure has mostly to do with using heroin mostly but also every other hard-core drug known to man for 35 years.
In the Big Book of A.A there is a part which says we were judged by our actions not by our intentions. And I remember being that way before I got sober and for a few years after.
He told me yesterday when we had a nice, non-confrontational talk for awhile that he feels he is not in a good place in his life which I already have figured out by watching him flounder around and that he feels he is regressing as well. (The conversation began because I asked if his trying to get into Canada where I live JUST TO VISIT is being affected by his state of mind. We've been going out for 2 years and he's never been to my house.)
Well you know if you aren't working any sort of a program well you are going to regress.
He said that his past is haunting his future which I'm well sure it is. I did say to him that it is possible to work through our pasts with a sponsor and the 12 steps. And he just balks at the whole idea, he says he is having a problem with the higher power thing and blah, blah, blah.
So in a nutshell there really isn't anything I can do but keep the focus on me and my son and do what is best for us, I know that. But it is frustrating sometimes this other side.
Something which seems so simple (paperwork and sending a fax to find out the status of your case has become so complicated a big part due to him not pushing on it just a little bit.
Thanks
Ngaire
Just a little vent here.
It became clear to me, very clear to me yesterday after two years that my clean for 31/2 years boyfriend seems to have no idea how to put his words and actions together to form one.
The words whisper and he does a lot of whispering but there are no actions behind them.
It's an odd thing, which I'm sure has mostly to do with using heroin mostly but also every other hard-core drug known to man for 35 years.
In the Big Book of A.A there is a part which says we were judged by our actions not by our intentions. And I remember being that way before I got sober and for a few years after.
He told me yesterday when we had a nice, non-confrontational talk for awhile that he feels he is not in a good place in his life which I already have figured out by watching him flounder around and that he feels he is regressing as well. (The conversation began because I asked if his trying to get into Canada where I live JUST TO VISIT is being affected by his state of mind. We've been going out for 2 years and he's never been to my house.)
Well you know if you aren't working any sort of a program well you are going to regress.
He said that his past is haunting his future which I'm well sure it is. I did say to him that it is possible to work through our pasts with a sponsor and the 12 steps. And he just balks at the whole idea, he says he is having a problem with the higher power thing and blah, blah, blah.
So in a nutshell there really isn't anything I can do but keep the focus on me and my son and do what is best for us, I know that. But it is frustrating sometimes this other side.
Something which seems so simple (paperwork and sending a fax to find out the status of your case has become so complicated a big part due to him not pushing on it just a little bit.
Thanks
Ngaire
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Recoveryville, USA
Posts: 1,297
It sounds like he is not actively working a recovery program, ie: Dry Drunk.
When the actions dont match the words,a nd when turning the nose down at 12 step suggestions, that is highly indicative of a dry drunk. (currently dealing with one
Its time to go into extreme self care, for you. A dry drunk is exactly the same as active..be careful,,,keep expectations low, higher power close.
Good luck!
When the actions dont match the words,a nd when turning the nose down at 12 step suggestions, that is highly indicative of a dry drunk. (currently dealing with one
Its time to go into extreme self care, for you. A dry drunk is exactly the same as active..be careful,,,keep expectations low, higher power close.
Good luck!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: USA
Posts: 346
I spent 7 years with a dry drunk before I had a clue as to what I was really dealing with. They are the sneakiest as you can't see the outward drinking. Dry drunks can't contribute because they aren't in a position to give to a relationship, only take.
If actions don't match words...............
If actions don't match words...............
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: nowheresville
Posts: 872
Thanks Everyone,
Yes Dry Drunk it is and I think they are worse than an active one.
I fear for him that he'll have a relapse but at the same time I know I'm powerless to do anything about it.
He needs to be where he is now.
And yes FriendofBill, I've been working very hard on having very minimal to no expectations lately, it just ruins my serenity to have any.
And keep higher power and this board close. I really need both right now.
Thanks
Yes Dry Drunk it is and I think they are worse than an active one.
I fear for him that he'll have a relapse but at the same time I know I'm powerless to do anything about it.
He needs to be where he is now.
And yes FriendofBill, I've been working very hard on having very minimal to no expectations lately, it just ruins my serenity to have any.
And keep higher power and this board close. I really need both right now.
Thanks
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: nowheresville
Posts: 872
Ugh!!!!! Glad I'm at home.
I got done talking to him on the phone and he is just on the old pity pot.
I told him I wasn't going to join in and start whacking him with a baseball bat too.
I made some suggestions like
Go to a meeting.
Call so and so.
And it just gets him mad.
So it's best just to say or do nothing except if it concerns me or Myles.
My Alanon sponsor told me to night keep reading your literature.
I'm trying very hard to stay away from the "you should" words.
My co-dependent side is trying to sneak in here.
Ngaire
I got done talking to him on the phone and he is just on the old pity pot.
I told him I wasn't going to join in and start whacking him with a baseball bat too.
I made some suggestions like
Go to a meeting.
Call so and so.
And it just gets him mad.
So it's best just to say or do nothing except if it concerns me or Myles.
My Alanon sponsor told me to night keep reading your literature.
I'm trying very hard to stay away from the "you should" words.
My co-dependent side is trying to sneak in here.
Ngaire
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: DooDooville, USA
Posts: 453
A "dry drunk"......I've never heard of that term, but it makes sense. If he gets mad at you suggesting meetings and such, sounds like he could relapse.
Don't lose your focus and VENT AWAY, GIRL! We all need that.
((hugs))
Don't lose your focus and VENT AWAY, GIRL! We all need that.
((hugs))
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: nowheresville
Posts: 872
Hi,
I was reading in Melody Beatties Launguage of Letting Go about incongruency between words and actions.
Anyway it's fine I had an awareness about things, no need to panic the answer will come as to what the next step is here. It's God moving me along.
And last night he's trying to tell me he's not in danger of a relapse blah,blah,blah.
It's all about ego, pride and stubbornness.
Ngaire
I was reading in Melody Beatties Launguage of Letting Go about incongruency between words and actions.
Anyway it's fine I had an awareness about things, no need to panic the answer will come as to what the next step is here. It's God moving me along.
And last night he's trying to tell me he's not in danger of a relapse blah,blah,blah.
It's all about ego, pride and stubbornness.
Ngaire
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
(((ngaire)))
Sorry I'm late coming in here. Vent away, my sweet. Better out than in.
Incongruency is something I learned about in counselling. You know when you get a funny feeling that something is not quite right about someone? I think that's because our subconscious picks up on the lack of congruence between words and actions. We do it to ourselves too - I know all the flipping answers (lol!), but do I apply them in my life?
I'm a pit puzzled - what are you getting out of this relationship?
Sorry I'm late coming in here. Vent away, my sweet. Better out than in.
Incongruency is something I learned about in counselling. You know when you get a funny feeling that something is not quite right about someone? I think that's because our subconscious picks up on the lack of congruence between words and actions. We do it to ourselves too - I know all the flipping answers (lol!), but do I apply them in my life?
I'm a pit puzzled - what are you getting out of this relationship?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: nowheresville
Posts: 872
Hi Minnie,
What do I get out of this relationship.
One thing he isn't incongruent about is that he loves me and Myles and shows it to us freely.
He;s good with Myles and Myles likes him too.
We enjoy each others company when he is not on a dry drunk. This has been coming for a bit now.
He's supportive towards me with my life and my endeavors (the big one this fall being to go back to school full-time).
He was extremely supportive this past winter when Myles' Dad was terminally ill with cancer and I spent alot of time with Myles and his Dad at the hospital.
There were times I couldn't see him because of that and also for 3, 4, 5, 6 months when I was there I was so exhausted I was pretty well sleeping and not much into sex then. I didn't have really anything to offer to our relationship then but we worked it through. There wasn't any pressure.
He isn't abusive in any way towards us.
This is the most intimate relationship that I've ever had as far as sharing with someone.
Ngaire
What do I get out of this relationship.
One thing he isn't incongruent about is that he loves me and Myles and shows it to us freely.
He;s good with Myles and Myles likes him too.
We enjoy each others company when he is not on a dry drunk. This has been coming for a bit now.
He's supportive towards me with my life and my endeavors (the big one this fall being to go back to school full-time).
He was extremely supportive this past winter when Myles' Dad was terminally ill with cancer and I spent alot of time with Myles and his Dad at the hospital.
There were times I couldn't see him because of that and also for 3, 4, 5, 6 months when I was there I was so exhausted I was pretty well sleeping and not much into sex then. I didn't have really anything to offer to our relationship then but we worked it through. There wasn't any pressure.
He isn't abusive in any way towards us.
This is the most intimate relationship that I've ever had as far as sharing with someone.
Ngaire
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