My first ultimatum.
 

And with it comes some peace!

I've told him I will stay with him, through illness and health as long as he is seeking help and taking advice, I'll stay through failure as long as seeks answers why it happened and acts to change. If he refuses help, if he denies, if he chooses to ignore advice I will not stay with him to watch him die.

I will be by his side while he acts to recover but will take a break whenever I need - not depending on his needs, while he acts to recover though - I will always come back.

I'm going skating tonight then maybe to see my friend, I went to the docs got signed off from work and prescribed low dose anti depressants. They've also offered me counselling and I've accepted. I'm going to keep in good touch with APAS and if I need to spend a few nights at my friends I will - even if he is sober/trying/doing everything right. It will be based on my needs as I see them.

D has said he will return as we agreed to APAS, as we agreed if he could not keep his ration then the answer is stop and he's said that's what he wants now. I've only asked that he seeks and listens to advice on how - because that's my boundary now. Somebody ill trying to get well my heart and head can deal with, someone intent on staying ill I no longer want to try and live with.

It's rare for me to ever speak like this - I have to search through myself first. The most important thing I strive for is to make my words, heart and actions one thing. I value my own word probably as much if not more than my life.

I'm also going to ask my oldest friend (23yrs) to speak with D - to tell him what she knows about me and how much weight there is in me saying this. In 23 yrs she has never known me threaten friendship, she's never known me use words like this for anything, and lord knows we have argued in 23 yrs!!

It's not to make him do a damn thing - it's to tell him plainly where my boundary is.

(((equus)))

That is fantastic!! I am so proud of you. That is exactly the same boundary that I came up with - I really hope your situation turns out differently. I knew you'd find your answer - how does it feel? I felt relief after I'd made that decision.

You're a star.

Love

Minnie
xxx

Amazing words from an amazing person. :bravo

I'm so glad you've got friends and support. Lots of us didn't and don't.

Have a blast tonight. Watch out for the floor. It comes up quick.

:hugehug Kathy

I vowed 3 things when I got married. I agreed with the rest but wrote my own as add ons. I vowed to stay his wife (and I will), his lover (he will always be loved), and his friend. None of that is in the ultimatum - only what I will watch and live with and only then if it has become his choice not to get well.

I've no regret - I would marry him again tomorrow. Love is not need, he has all my love but I don't need him so much that I'll put myself through the torture of watching regardless of his choices.

If we split - I believe he would come back. He's still my soulmate and I think I'm his. My life would go on and be full but unlike the last time I let him go, this time I'd smile to myself knowing he's full of surprises!

http://www.millan.net/minimations/sm...katesmile2.gif

bravo/blimey equus!!!

you ladies across the pond rock! thinking of you!

(((Equus))),

It's good to hear you put your needs/wants first and foremost. My thoughts are with you, as always. It's quite a task to make my words, heart and actions one thing, and keep them there. It's kind of like trying to get my Golden to sit still while I clip his nails!! Just when I get one leg under control the other three spit out from my grasp!

It's in those moments of clarity, when words, heart and actions finally come together, when we truly make progress. We shouldn't get upset though when one slips out from our grasp, we're still making progess as long as we keep our focus where it belongs (on ourselves!!).

Big hugs,
Shannon

Wow.... you are unbelievable.... Now that is the kind of strenght I want and need in my life.

*hugs* your heart and strength completely amaze me... Take care of you and if nothing else you have totally inspired me today... and I really needed that inspiration.

Thank you

Minnie says I'm brave to come read and sometimes post among the friends and families.
Actually, I'm a shy chickensh!t, intent on understanding what happened to my family.
After reading and digesting the above quote, there's a little less shadow on a few recent chapters of my life.
Thanks equus.

BRAVO! This is one of the most uplifting and well thought out posts ever!

(((((((((((((((Equus)))))))))))))))

Good for you!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ngaire

Equus....I can't add anything more than what has already said.....hugs to you...
Love, Patty

Bravo! You're on your way!

It doesn't seem much cause for celebration to me but it's done. He's still supportive of it, still keen to cope with the trip through town for APAS tomorrow.

I guess he figured it wasn't going to be negotiated!!

I enjoyed my skate but my friend got held up at work! Humph!!

It is inspiring to see someone handle things so well!
And sets a darn good example! Thank you for sharing!

Dear Friend (((Equus)))
I so wanted to post on this thread, it’s taken me some time to bring myself to do it.
You are one hell of a lady and, knowing what it’s taken to bring you to this point; I want you to know that I admire you for your decision. I know that you have thought long and hard about the role you play in D’s circumstances, always seeking the best for him and trying to balance that with your own needs.
I also read your post with a feeling of unease. Why?
Because I had a similar conversation the night before P went into Rehab while he was still on the alcohol; I will be having the same conversation with him the day he gets out, when he is alcohol free.
The uneasy feeling is because I know I need to be strong in my resolve like you; I know that I need to work on that.
Be well and good luck.

Way to go, Equus and

I feel the same way

You already know that I think you're amazing, but now I think you're much more than that. As always, you have my utmost respect. I know you'll make the right choices for yourself and D.

I've gone all shy now.... I'm blushing. Don't worry it won't be too long before me knickers are in a twist again!!

I've slept like a log, feel ready and refreshed. The first half of the day will be for D, the docs then APAS. The second half I'm off to see my mate, then I'm swimming in the evening.

Sorry about the running commentry.... sort of need to spill.

The doc has said they will co-ordinate with APAS and everything will be done to offer support they want to avoid admission if they can but he's said that's the next step if he continues to drink.

Now for brekky!! Then APAS.

Hon, it IS a cause for celebration. Not because D is in this situation, not because there is a possibility that you won't be with him in the future, but because you have figured out what YOU need. We have seen you struggle over the past few weeks and we are all delighted that you have found some peace. And it is obviously the solution you have been looking for as you slept like a log.

I was wondering if you'd considered getting him admitted somewhere. I didn't want to mention it the other day as I was sure that APAS or the docs would bring it up. If he continues as he is, it might be the best option for all of you.