My head is spinning
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: Austin, Texas
Posts: 13
My head is spinning
Hi guys, I just need to vent. I've been spending my days focusing on moving myself to another apt. Everything is mostly mine (because why would he bother to spend any money on stuff for us). My A asked me what we were going to do about moving and I told him I'd already gotten a 1 bdrm, he started crying (guess he thought I'd stay for more abuse like always). After a week of not speaking, last night he noticed the missing furniture, said "we needed to talk." Said he's been wanting to talk to me for the past 9 days but he hasn't been able to stop crying. GUILT GUILT GUILT!. Asked me why I called the police on him, HELLO! Said since he didn't SAY to me "I'm going to hurt you" I had no reason to be afraid much less call the cops! he tried to rationalize that breaking stuff was ok because, he did it AFTER I called the cops out of anger (wrong! and it doesn't even matter). It's the same old song and dance. It's all my fault this relationship failed because I never want to have sex (duh), because I'm chintzy (he's angry because I put my foot down about paying his share of stuff for him-no more! carry your own weight be responsible for yourself!) Blah blah blah, said I've been trying to get out of this relationship for a long time (huh) it's like what are you talking about? How convenient for him to forget about all the money he "borrowed" that I'll never get back, about that month I let him drive my truck and missed my much needed physical therapy appointments so he could have a vehicle to drive, the trips I paid for that he ruined with his drinking, the humiliation of his company christmas party where he flirted blatantly with a co worker and go belligerently angry with me when I said no to a threesome (gee how freaking unreasonable of me) what about . . . . he twists and turns the facts to his convenience, forgets all I've done for him 
and he can't even take freaking responsibility for his own actions. I set a boundary, he crossed it, and these are the consequences. Why can't he even get that part. Wait a light bulb just went of - he doesn't get it because I never set boundaries before. He treated me like crap and I stayed. I did for him, I did more for him and more. And he got drunk and mean and crazy and abusive and I stayed. He asked me for the engagement ring back. It's so very him. It drives me crazy that if the tables were turned he'd have left me after the first alcoholic rage and abusive behaviour. He wouldn't put up with that kind of treatment from anyone else. But it's ok for him to do it, because he just tells himself it didn't happen! I'm so tired, I'm so emotionally drained and it hurts so freaking much. I want off this ride.
and he can't even take freaking responsibility for his own actions. I set a boundary, he crossed it, and these are the consequences. Why can't he even get that part. Wait a light bulb just went of - he doesn't get it because I never set boundaries before. He treated me like crap and I stayed. I did for him, I did more for him and more. And he got drunk and mean and crazy and abusive and I stayed. He asked me for the engagement ring back. It's so very him. It drives me crazy that if the tables were turned he'd have left me after the first alcoholic rage and abusive behaviour. He wouldn't put up with that kind of treatment from anyone else. But it's ok for him to do it, because he just tells himself it didn't happen! I'm so tired, I'm so emotionally drained and it hurts so freaking much. I want off this ride.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: upstate, ny
Posts: 135
wow care,
i do believe i've been there. you're right about the boundaries, put some up and lead the way. this is very dirffcult what you're going thru, try to detach so you aren't responding in anger. i always raged around when it came to boundaries. i too, didn't know how to set any. i always threw them up in anger and then weakened when the anger subsided, which it will. vent angrily here, because all of us are familiar with the patterns of abuse and apology. sounds like he is desperate to restore things to normal,quack, quack. someone has to make a step towards recovery, sounds like maybe it's going to be you. you're in a lot of pain, be careful of your reactions, try to settle down and calmly address this situation. please remember that you're fighting an illness, a chemical dependency, don't let the drama escalate because you take it so personal. the only reason i say this is because i've done that myself , probably because of my own low self-worth. all that happened by adding my self worth factor was a repeat performance of the dance of alcholism and addiction. he was so sorry and it was a lot of my fault in his eyes, he promised to change and he didn't, because both of us were in such high denial. he was busy denying that he can't control his drinking and i was denying that it was an illness, not a personal attack on my love. my husband has a repeat cycle of everything you've desrcibed here, and i admire you're courage for calling the cops. i never could face that it had to be done and as a result my kids were compromised into living in an unsafe home and forced to protect me during the last fiasco. i swear that i will never again let that happen to them and i mean it. i just secretly wonder in hindsight why i thought i should have to put up with years of this treatment. no wonder he treats me with disrespect!! it's all about to change in my house. i do see you as an angry role model lol, try and find the merryground from alanon. if i knew how to post it i would. maybe one of the moderators can find it and post. i'll pray for you to be released from your pain and find some gentle comfort that you're hp is guiding you and be gentle with yourself and your a if you can, so you don't end up feeling guilty like i have many times, which kept the cycle going. hugs from sugar and piles of serenity coming to you from ny.
i do believe i've been there. you're right about the boundaries, put some up and lead the way. this is very dirffcult what you're going thru, try to detach so you aren't responding in anger. i always raged around when it came to boundaries. i too, didn't know how to set any. i always threw them up in anger and then weakened when the anger subsided, which it will. vent angrily here, because all of us are familiar with the patterns of abuse and apology. sounds like he is desperate to restore things to normal,quack, quack. someone has to make a step towards recovery, sounds like maybe it's going to be you. you're in a lot of pain, be careful of your reactions, try to settle down and calmly address this situation. please remember that you're fighting an illness, a chemical dependency, don't let the drama escalate because you take it so personal. the only reason i say this is because i've done that myself , probably because of my own low self-worth. all that happened by adding my self worth factor was a repeat performance of the dance of alcholism and addiction. he was so sorry and it was a lot of my fault in his eyes, he promised to change and he didn't, because both of us were in such high denial. he was busy denying that he can't control his drinking and i was denying that it was an illness, not a personal attack on my love. my husband has a repeat cycle of everything you've desrcibed here, and i admire you're courage for calling the cops. i never could face that it had to be done and as a result my kids were compromised into living in an unsafe home and forced to protect me during the last fiasco. i swear that i will never again let that happen to them and i mean it. i just secretly wonder in hindsight why i thought i should have to put up with years of this treatment. no wonder he treats me with disrespect!! it's all about to change in my house. i do see you as an angry role model lol, try and find the merryground from alanon. if i knew how to post it i would. maybe one of the moderators can find it and post. i'll pray for you to be released from your pain and find some gentle comfort that you're hp is guiding you and be gentle with yourself and your a if you can, so you don't end up feeling guilty like i have many times, which kept the cycle going. hugs from sugar and piles of serenity coming to you from ny.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Hi Care
Now the healing begins. It is hard to get used to the lack of chaos, and learn to love yourself again.
You have come so far, and have regained your self-respect. Read the Sticky post " To Everyone who is In-Between" and recognize that sometimes just adjusting to the light after so much time in darkness is progress.
If you haven't gone to meetings, try one. There you can learn how to begin working the steps and not only healing, but learning a wonderful new way of making your like more beautiful.
You will probably have mixed feelings for a while, but the more nice things you do for yourself, and the more you learn to have fun again, the sooner you will look back and realize that the roller coaster is far behind you.
Now the healing begins. It is hard to get used to the lack of chaos, and learn to love yourself again.
You have come so far, and have regained your self-respect. Read the Sticky post " To Everyone who is In-Between" and recognize that sometimes just adjusting to the light after so much time in darkness is progress.
If you haven't gone to meetings, try one. There you can learn how to begin working the steps and not only healing, but learning a wonderful new way of making your like more beautiful.
You will probably have mixed feelings for a while, but the more nice things you do for yourself, and the more you learn to have fun again, the sooner you will look back and realize that the roller coaster is far behind you.
Southern through and through
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: In.....trouble :-)
Posts: 1,453
Hey Care,
You ARE doing the right thing which is deciding you want better for yourself. I have watched my daughter who was in a situation like your's. She couldn't even think about seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. But I'm happy to report there is good news for you. Stick to your guns, Care, because you deserve better. And I know there is better for you out there.
I don't know if you're a fan of Dr. Phil's, but one thing he always says has really stuck with me. "You teach people how to treat you." You drawing the line and saying "I don't want this anymore" is a huge step for you and I cannot tell you how proud I am of you.
I realize that another relationship probably would not be the best thing for you right now and you probably don't even want to think about being in another relationship right now, but this is what I kept telling my daughter. "You can't have anyone better come into your life until you get rid of the bad one." But you know what the greatest thing about all this will be for you one day? You'll say, "I'm so glad I finally took steps to get out of that relationship because look how much better my life is now!"
You hang in there, Care. And stick to your guns!!! I'll keep you in my prayers.
You ARE doing the right thing which is deciding you want better for yourself. I have watched my daughter who was in a situation like your's. She couldn't even think about seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. But I'm happy to report there is good news for you. Stick to your guns, Care, because you deserve better. And I know there is better for you out there.
I don't know if you're a fan of Dr. Phil's, but one thing he always says has really stuck with me. "You teach people how to treat you." You drawing the line and saying "I don't want this anymore" is a huge step for you and I cannot tell you how proud I am of you.
I realize that another relationship probably would not be the best thing for you right now and you probably don't even want to think about being in another relationship right now, but this is what I kept telling my daughter. "You can't have anyone better come into your life until you get rid of the bad one." But you know what the greatest thing about all this will be for you one day? You'll say, "I'm so glad I finally took steps to get out of that relationship because look how much better my life is now!"
You hang in there, Care. And stick to your guns!!! I'll keep you in my prayers.
Member
Join Date: May 2002
Location: San diego, CA, USA
Posts: 86
(((((((((((care)))))))))))))))))))))
You go girl... It sounds like your on your way to recovery... I am where you are at... My A called me last night... I have not talked to him for 9 days also and he did the same thing.. Told me the whole time he was crying... Trying to come up with ways to get his family back... Funny the only way is through recovery... but that has not crossed his mind...
He has an excuse for everything... our fighting, the stress, me... Everything that goes wrong in his life is my fault... ?????? I don't understand.... but what I know now... is that I don't have to understand because it's not my problem that his life is so messed up that is his "STUFF" and he needs to deal with it...
Hugs to you... I'm sending many prayers your way... Stick to those boundaries girl...
Your friend... Clowie
You go girl... It sounds like your on your way to recovery... I am where you are at... My A called me last night... I have not talked to him for 9 days also and he did the same thing.. Told me the whole time he was crying... Trying to come up with ways to get his family back... Funny the only way is through recovery... but that has not crossed his mind...
He has an excuse for everything... our fighting, the stress, me... Everything that goes wrong in his life is my fault... ?????? I don't understand.... but what I know now... is that I don't have to understand because it's not my problem that his life is so messed up that is his "STUFF" and he needs to deal with it...
Hugs to you... I'm sending many prayers your way... Stick to those boundaries girl...
Your friend... Clowie
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Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: Denton Texas
Posts: 92
Congratulations on taking care of yourself. It is so hard but remember the motto, "Progress and not perfection!" I know that for me, I'm really unnerved by the lack of chaos. Sometimes I'm even bored. My therapist has helped me to realize that this sense of boredom that I've never really felt may just be peace. Without the constant anxiety, fear, anger and hurt I can finally just be...... Keep up the good work.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: Austin, Texas
Posts: 13
thanks guys
Your words of support and encouragement hit the spot. It is difficult isn't it especially when the A is trying to manipulate and guilt you? I'm so glad we are all here to help and support each other. When I'm going nuts or doubting myself (even though I know better) it takes a load off to read y'alls words. Thank you so very much. Hugs.
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Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: england
Posts: 47
Hi care,
Im a bit late , but just wanted u to no that i think ur doing great., We all know how painfull this process is for you, coz all of us have either been there, heading there, or in there.
feel proud of what you have achieved, and hang on i there, its hard , but baby steps.
be good to yourself
love spin
Im a bit late , but just wanted u to no that i think ur doing great., We all know how painfull this process is for you, coz all of us have either been there, heading there, or in there.
feel proud of what you have achieved, and hang on i there, its hard , but baby steps.
be good to yourself
love spin
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