sons death wish
Paused
.gif)
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Altoona, PA
Posts: 70
Ladies---I feel that we are all kindred spirits here on this board!! I just finished reading each and every post on the thread, and there wasn't really one that I can't relate to. I feel that we're all sisters---living the same lives---hurting the same hurts!! I think it was Devastated who said that there were days that she didn't want to wake up in the morning----well, in all honesty---there have been many days over the past year or so where I almost wanted to curse God for allowing me to wake up!!! Then, I'd feel guilty about those thoughts and remember my two beautiful grandchildren who cling to me like I'm their hero. Their daddy is an alcoholic and won't admit it---and the kids (especially my 7-yr. old granddaughter) has had to see so much in her young life. She already feels an intense rejection because he is never there---he spends his days with his buddies drinking, going target shooting, and whatever!! My daughter (who has poor health) continues to work 2-3 part-time jobs to support all of them!! Talk about a heartache watching her struggling to keep them afloat!!! I wish she would leave him and raise the kids alone (with help from me, of course)---but she "loves him" and is in a total stage of denial about the consequences of his drinking. She's been a major enabler for years---and goes with him so that she can drive him home rather than him get a DUI!!! My granddaughter has already had some problems at school---continuously has a tummy ache---and goes to the nurses office almost daily. She's only in 2nd grade and the school psychologist is trying to work with her!! Now that she sees that her aunt (my other dgt. who just got out of rehab and moved in with me) getting help---she questions why her daddy can't go to rehab too!! How does one answer that???? Anyway, between caring for sick, elderly parents and all the other things happening in my life---I have often wished there were no tomorrow!! I'm sure that many of you feel the same, and I'd appreciate some feedback. I have lived with depression most of my life due to many childhood abuse issues and a lifetime of emotional and physical pain---and currently on an anti-depressant. If it wasn't for this forum recently and starting Alanon---I probably could lay down and curl in a ball forever!! So you're not alone out there, all you ladies who feel the same. Keep reading and writing these posts---and I'm sure that we can all get stronger together!!! ONE DAY AT A TIME!!!
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Lacee,
You are doing the right things. Alanon saved my life. If you can put as much effort toward YOU and geting well as you have, in the past, of worrying and caretaking you are on the right road!
Do what you are told even if you don't believe it. Fake it if you must. Pick a few people who have what you want and shadow them. Put them on your call list and call them. Read, read, read! Journal and go to meetings. It is a job...this recovery...do something everyday. The job is you and you are worth every moment of it.
One day you will have a moment of clarity or see a miracle of recovery and that will be your jet fuel to continue.
Best of luck on your journey!
JT
You are doing the right things. Alanon saved my life. If you can put as much effort toward YOU and geting well as you have, in the past, of worrying and caretaking you are on the right road!
Do what you are told even if you don't believe it. Fake it if you must. Pick a few people who have what you want and shadow them. Put them on your call list and call them. Read, read, read! Journal and go to meetings. It is a job...this recovery...do something everyday. The job is you and you are worth every moment of it.
One day you will have a moment of clarity or see a miracle of recovery and that will be your jet fuel to continue.
Best of luck on your journey!
JT
Paused
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Toledo, Ohio
Posts: 27
I have been doing so well since I have started reading and writing to all the unfortunate women who are in the same boat.
Things have become clearer, and the guilt of some of the things I need to do like throw my son out of the house and not support his habbit is starting to fade. I have learned that I have rights. The right not to have to put up with certain things.
I am finally getting mentally better (and yes, I'm on antidepressants too).
I haven't cried in a record 3 weeks.
I am still having troube with certain things. I have told my son he can't stay here any more but he keeps sneaking into my house and staying in his "place" in the basement.
My problem now, is that I know that not letting him stay here is the right thing to do. I know that I am not helping him by giving him a place to stay. But its about 20 degrees out and the thought of him being out there in the cold is the one thing that is keeping me from doing "the right thing"
I need a little support from you ladies. You give me strength that I have never had.
This is the last real big problem that I need to get through. If you have any strength left that you can pass me a little, I'd appreciate it.
I need to throw my son out for good because he will never get better if I keep saving him from himself.
Davidsmom
Things have become clearer, and the guilt of some of the things I need to do like throw my son out of the house and not support his habbit is starting to fade. I have learned that I have rights. The right not to have to put up with certain things.
I am finally getting mentally better (and yes, I'm on antidepressants too).
I haven't cried in a record 3 weeks.
I am still having troube with certain things. I have told my son he can't stay here any more but he keeps sneaking into my house and staying in his "place" in the basement.
My problem now, is that I know that not letting him stay here is the right thing to do. I know that I am not helping him by giving him a place to stay. But its about 20 degrees out and the thought of him being out there in the cold is the one thing that is keeping me from doing "the right thing"
I need a little support from you ladies. You give me strength that I have never had.
This is the last real big problem that I need to get through. If you have any strength left that you can pass me a little, I'd appreciate it.
I need to throw my son out for good because he will never get better if I keep saving him from himself.
Davidsmom
Guest
Posts: n/a
Davidsmom,
I couldn't throw my son out in 20% weather either without a plan. Find shelters and give him the phone numbers. Give him a ride and help him get in the first time.
The decisions you are making are for you as much as him. I threw my son out and he landed on his feet and still has not found recovery. The right things that we think to do for them may not work to lead them to recovery, but these decisions help us lead a better life away from their addiction.
Give him the phone numbers and help him get in and then let him know that you will be fixing the house so that he will no longer be able to sneak in. Another way would be to wait until summer to do it. Then you know he won't freeze.
This is not about right or wrong. It is about making your life better and hopefully by not enabling it will help your son want recovery.
Take it easy on yourself. A step at a time when you are ready.
Your safety is number one. Keep yourself safe.
Hugs,
MG
I couldn't throw my son out in 20% weather either without a plan. Find shelters and give him the phone numbers. Give him a ride and help him get in the first time.
The decisions you are making are for you as much as him. I threw my son out and he landed on his feet and still has not found recovery. The right things that we think to do for them may not work to lead them to recovery, but these decisions help us lead a better life away from their addiction.
Give him the phone numbers and help him get in and then let him know that you will be fixing the house so that he will no longer be able to sneak in. Another way would be to wait until summer to do it. Then you know he won't freeze.
This is not about right or wrong. It is about making your life better and hopefully by not enabling it will help your son want recovery.
Take it easy on yourself. A step at a time when you are ready.
Your safety is number one. Keep yourself safe.
Hugs,
MG
Southern through and through
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: In.....trouble :-)
Posts: 1,453
Hey Davidsmom and MG,
Ya'll's posts just have me thinking here. Davidsmom, I wrote you the private message about my daughter and her disrespectful 'fit' she threw the other night. You asked if she has been a drinker or drugger. OH YES, but 29 days sober today thanks to IOP treatment and AA meetings.
But what I want to know is HOW, just HOW do you decide what is a serious enough offense to justify making them move out or throwing them out? I really struggle with that.
The other night my daughter was sober, stone cold sober (but only 27 days and I've been told emotions are very raw that early in recovery) and had a temper tantrum like we've only witnessed when she has been drinking.
The parent in me that has ALWAYS demanded respect thought "I'm NOT going to have this disrespect in my household!" But then I talked with her counselor and she said, "Hey, make the consequences fit the crime." BUT....my thinking has always been if you let them get away with it ONE time, they will do it again.
Right now things have calmed down. My daughter even spoke at an AA function (retreat) the other night. Her IOP doctor/counselor asked several students to speak. And oh gosh, she was delightful, entertaining and told her story. The AA folks loved her. Afterwards they came up to her dad and I and said, "OH, aren't you proud?" We smiled and said "yes" because we are. We really are SO grateful she is in treatment, willingly and trying. But I must admit that part of me was thinking, "Oh yeah, and weren't we proud LAST NIGHT WHEN SHE WAS SCREAMING AT HER DAD, "I HATE YOU!". Living with an alcoholic has our family on a roller coaster ride. I just wish I could get off, but NO WHERE have a seen a place where mothers can go to resign.
But I'm thinking if there is another night of total disrespect towards us, then we shouldn't provide EVERYTHING DARN THING She has! It's so unappreciative. We don't ask much around here of her. We really don't. But to scream I HATE YOU to her dad who has been nothing but good....I don't think we can take it again and again.
So if I were to draw the line, here's what I'd be doing. I'd be kicking a 20 year old, who is REALLY MORE LIKE 14, out on the street. I don't know if I can bring myself to do it.
Thanks for letting me vent. I swear, I need a SUPER DUPER AL ANON EXPERT TO MOVE IN MY HOUSE WITH ME!
Ya'll's posts just have me thinking here. Davidsmom, I wrote you the private message about my daughter and her disrespectful 'fit' she threw the other night. You asked if she has been a drinker or drugger. OH YES, but 29 days sober today thanks to IOP treatment and AA meetings.
But what I want to know is HOW, just HOW do you decide what is a serious enough offense to justify making them move out or throwing them out? I really struggle with that.
The other night my daughter was sober, stone cold sober (but only 27 days and I've been told emotions are very raw that early in recovery) and had a temper tantrum like we've only witnessed when she has been drinking.
The parent in me that has ALWAYS demanded respect thought "I'm NOT going to have this disrespect in my household!" But then I talked with her counselor and she said, "Hey, make the consequences fit the crime." BUT....my thinking has always been if you let them get away with it ONE time, they will do it again.
Right now things have calmed down. My daughter even spoke at an AA function (retreat) the other night. Her IOP doctor/counselor asked several students to speak. And oh gosh, she was delightful, entertaining and told her story. The AA folks loved her. Afterwards they came up to her dad and I and said, "OH, aren't you proud?" We smiled and said "yes" because we are. We really are SO grateful she is in treatment, willingly and trying. But I must admit that part of me was thinking, "Oh yeah, and weren't we proud LAST NIGHT WHEN SHE WAS SCREAMING AT HER DAD, "I HATE YOU!". Living with an alcoholic has our family on a roller coaster ride. I just wish I could get off, but NO WHERE have a seen a place where mothers can go to resign.
But I'm thinking if there is another night of total disrespect towards us, then we shouldn't provide EVERYTHING DARN THING She has! It's so unappreciative. We don't ask much around here of her. We really don't. But to scream I HATE YOU to her dad who has been nothing but good....I don't think we can take it again and again.
So if I were to draw the line, here's what I'd be doing. I'd be kicking a 20 year old, who is REALLY MORE LIKE 14, out on the street. I don't know if I can bring myself to do it.
Thanks for letting me vent. I swear, I need a SUPER DUPER AL ANON EXPERT TO MOVE IN MY HOUSE WITH ME!
Paused
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Toledo, Ohio
Posts: 27
I think all of us know when to throw our kids out and when not to.
My son steels from us all the time. Leave a dollar in this house and he takes it. He has probably stolen hundreds of dollars from us.
He breaks into our bedrooms. We all have master locks on our rooms but he can unscrew the hinge underneath if he has enough time alone ( which is when we are all working). He has climbed up on our porch roof and taken the screen out and climbed in. I have a locked cabinet upstairs and he has broken into that. He has stolen my husbands dime collection twice. Just goes in our room when we are sleeping and takes it.
My daughters became experts at hiding their money but give him enough time to look and he can find anything.
Yes he sounds bad. He is. He needs his fix and will steel from anyone to get it.
This is why I know that he must go.
I have tried locking him out. I have nailed the basement windows shut many times but he kicks them open in the middle of the night.
Whenever we do let him in he'll unlock a window or door and come in later when we're sleeping.
About now all of you think I'm nuts for putting up with this. Maybe so. But this is the point I have come to and this is when I know that I must do somthing.
This is where throwing him out into the cold comes in.
He won't work. Its much easier to steel.
My family and I are being victimized and I have finally realized it.
At this point I wouldn't worry too much about her smart mouth. I know that disrespect is bad but at the same time remember that what she is going through is really tough on her and this is her way of relieving her self.
For a little while until she is really into her recovery I might let things go a little more than I normally would.
I'd give anything for my son to have 27 days under his belt. For right now if its just a smart mouth I just might plug my ears for a while.
Whenever my son says things that I know he doesn't mean I just sit there and tell him over and over again that I love him.
Davidsmom
My son steels from us all the time. Leave a dollar in this house and he takes it. He has probably stolen hundreds of dollars from us.
He breaks into our bedrooms. We all have master locks on our rooms but he can unscrew the hinge underneath if he has enough time alone ( which is when we are all working). He has climbed up on our porch roof and taken the screen out and climbed in. I have a locked cabinet upstairs and he has broken into that. He has stolen my husbands dime collection twice. Just goes in our room when we are sleeping and takes it.
My daughters became experts at hiding their money but give him enough time to look and he can find anything.
Yes he sounds bad. He is. He needs his fix and will steel from anyone to get it.
This is why I know that he must go.
I have tried locking him out. I have nailed the basement windows shut many times but he kicks them open in the middle of the night.
Whenever we do let him in he'll unlock a window or door and come in later when we're sleeping.
About now all of you think I'm nuts for putting up with this. Maybe so. But this is the point I have come to and this is when I know that I must do somthing.
This is where throwing him out into the cold comes in.
He won't work. Its much easier to steel.
My family and I are being victimized and I have finally realized it.
At this point I wouldn't worry too much about her smart mouth. I know that disrespect is bad but at the same time remember that what she is going through is really tough on her and this is her way of relieving her self.
For a little while until she is really into her recovery I might let things go a little more than I normally would.
I'd give anything for my son to have 27 days under his belt. For right now if its just a smart mouth I just might plug my ears for a while.
Whenever my son says things that I know he doesn't mean I just sit there and tell him over and over again that I love him.
Davidsmom
Southern through and through
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: In.....trouble :-)
Posts: 1,453
Davidsmom,
You are ONE special woman AND mother! My heart breaks for you and all that you have been through with your son. My prayer for both of us will be that we will live to see the day that out children say "thank you for all you did for me while I was getting sober."
And NO, it is not that I need thanks, but it would be nice for our kids (or adults by the time this happens) to finally be appreciative. We might have to wait for a very long time on that one, but I pray we will have that day, one day, Davidsmom.
Love to you and your family.
You are ONE special woman AND mother! My heart breaks for you and all that you have been through with your son. My prayer for both of us will be that we will live to see the day that out children say "thank you for all you did for me while I was getting sober."
And NO, it is not that I need thanks, but it would be nice for our kids (or adults by the time this happens) to finally be appreciative. We might have to wait for a very long time on that one, but I pray we will have that day, one day, Davidsmom.
Love to you and your family.
Guest
Posts: n/a
I am sorry for all your son is putting you through. I have a husband who is a "A" and a daughter who is 21 and a heroin addict. I went down a similar road as you. I tried rehab for her, court-ordered rehab, had her declared mentally ill and I left her in jail. I was never able to leave her homeless. I always paid her rent. She called about 2 weeks ago and was pregnant. She is addicted to heroin, so I flew her back home and took her to a doctor. She is keeping the baby and is going through a methadone program. I fear what is coming up She will have the baby, and run back to her old habits. We have had a good two weeks. The methadone clinic test her every morning before she gets her dose and she got a fultime job. She seems more like her old self, I am just really skeptical because I have been here before. But I continue to pray and hopes this is her turning point.
Guest
Posts: n/a
davidsmom,
I guess when you are ready to take steps you will need to involve the police. It doesn't sound like you will be able to keep him out without help. Have a good plan in place. I remember calling the police several times on my son one night. He was very cold and wanted in, but had threatened me earlier and I couldn't let him in. It broke my heart that he was freezing, but he survived.
I would have obtained a restraining order if his behavior had continued. You may have to do that to keep your family safe.
You are being victimized and I agree that it's time to do something. Make sure you are ready to carry through with the plan so it doesn't send your son double messages. Give him the number of shelters so you know he knows he has other choices. If he doesn't choose to use them it's not your fault.
We are here for each other. You're not alone.
Hugs,
MG
I guess when you are ready to take steps you will need to involve the police. It doesn't sound like you will be able to keep him out without help. Have a good plan in place. I remember calling the police several times on my son one night. He was very cold and wanted in, but had threatened me earlier and I couldn't let him in. It broke my heart that he was freezing, but he survived.
I would have obtained a restraining order if his behavior had continued. You may have to do that to keep your family safe.
You are being victimized and I agree that it's time to do something. Make sure you are ready to carry through with the plan so it doesn't send your son double messages. Give him the number of shelters so you know he knows he has other choices. If he doesn't choose to use them it's not your fault.
We are here for each other. You're not alone.
Hugs,
MG
Paused
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Toledo, Ohio
Posts: 27
My day started great! A call on the answering machine from my son saying he got picked up by the police during the night for an old drug possession warrant.
I was elated! Spend a little time behind bars and away from all the crap that gets him in trouble! Maybe the start of a new life? Maybe some good counseling? Some re-hab? He'd be warm and fed! I'd be able to sleep at night!!
He was out by 10:00am. With a slap on the wrist and a $100.00 fine.
Well we can always dream can't we?
I get so involved in my own problems until I hear of people who are having the same or worse. And I guess we've all learned that someone can always have worse trouble than we do.
My heart goes out to all of you who have written and shared your stories.
Kathy122 and all mothers of troubled daughters,
I have thought a lot lately about what if I had a daughter going through all this. I ache for you and others. I'm not saying that its easier to go through this with a son but I think about it being one of my daughters and I think I'd probably be dead from the pain by now. God bless you.
Morning glory,
Have you heard from your son yet? Last I heard, he had taken off for a week and you hadn't talked to him.
You gave me a lot of common sence suggestions about getting my son phone numbers etc. Thank you.
I feel dumb not thinking about some of these suggestions myself but what you said, really helped.
Your right. I think its time to get help from the police. I have dealt with them many times. I had hoped I wouldn't never have to have him put in jail again.
Well we can always hope, can't we?
Hangin' In
I truly believe that each and every one of our children will come back and thank us. Some day. And we do deserve it.
Davidsmom
I was elated! Spend a little time behind bars and away from all the crap that gets him in trouble! Maybe the start of a new life? Maybe some good counseling? Some re-hab? He'd be warm and fed! I'd be able to sleep at night!!
He was out by 10:00am. With a slap on the wrist and a $100.00 fine.
Well we can always dream can't we?
I get so involved in my own problems until I hear of people who are having the same or worse. And I guess we've all learned that someone can always have worse trouble than we do.
My heart goes out to all of you who have written and shared your stories.
Kathy122 and all mothers of troubled daughters,
I have thought a lot lately about what if I had a daughter going through all this. I ache for you and others. I'm not saying that its easier to go through this with a son but I think about it being one of my daughters and I think I'd probably be dead from the pain by now. God bless you.
Morning glory,
Have you heard from your son yet? Last I heard, he had taken off for a week and you hadn't talked to him.
You gave me a lot of common sence suggestions about getting my son phone numbers etc. Thank you.
I feel dumb not thinking about some of these suggestions myself but what you said, really helped.
Your right. I think its time to get help from the police. I have dealt with them many times. I had hoped I wouldn't never have to have him put in jail again.
Well we can always hope, can't we?
Hangin' In
I truly believe that each and every one of our children will come back and thank us. Some day. And we do deserve it.
Davidsmom
Paused
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Altoona, PA
Posts: 70
Don't feel"dumb" for not thinking of things yourself!! We are all so caught up in the events of our daily lives that we sometimes fail to see the things that are right before our eyes!!!! Good luck to you with your son, Davidsmom!!
Guest
Posts: n/a
Davidsmom,
I run to the boards and get advice when I'm in a crisis with my son. We get foggy brain from the stress and can't think clearly.
I heard from my son. He found a friend to stay with and he's working. I didn't mention the alcohol or ask any other questions. He is alive and in out of the cold.
He survived without me.
Hugs,
MG
I run to the boards and get advice when I'm in a crisis with my son. We get foggy brain from the stress and can't think clearly.
I heard from my son. He found a friend to stay with and he's working. I didn't mention the alcohol or ask any other questions. He is alive and in out of the cold.
He survived without me.
Hugs,
MG
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
