sons death wish
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Welcome devastated!
Your post made me cringe...how cruel...and how horrible that he does those things to you.
You have broken the ice here by posting for the first time, please come back. We are here for you and if you have been lurking at all you know how supportive we are. If you haven't...well stick around and you will soon find out. You have friends here who have been where you are.
(((Hugs)))
JT
Your post made me cringe...how cruel...and how horrible that he does those things to you.
You have broken the ice here by posting for the first time, please come back. We are here for you and if you have been lurking at all you know how supportive we are. If you haven't...well stick around and you will soon find out. You have friends here who have been where you are.
(((Hugs)))
JT
Guest
Posts: n/a
sugar,
Thanks for your post. I don't know if I could be as strong as you have been. You'll know when it's time to quit helping. Do what you think is right.
Welcome Devastated,
My son also threatens suicide. I finally started calling the police on him and he does it much less now. I know how horrifying it is when they do that. I've spent many nights crying all night because of his suicide threat and not being able to contact him afterwards. Most of the time it's just manipulation. Only a couple of times with my son have been serious and on those times he was willing to get some help.
I sit here right now as I write this wondering if he's going through something and suicidal.
I keep busy and try really hard to keep my mind on other things. Worrying does not change anything. Worry is powerless.
Take care of yourself and keep posting.
Hugs,
MG
Thanks for your post. I don't know if I could be as strong as you have been. You'll know when it's time to quit helping. Do what you think is right.
Welcome Devastated,
My son also threatens suicide. I finally started calling the police on him and he does it much less now. I know how horrifying it is when they do that. I've spent many nights crying all night because of his suicide threat and not being able to contact him afterwards. Most of the time it's just manipulation. Only a couple of times with my son have been serious and on those times he was willing to get some help.
I sit here right now as I write this wondering if he's going through something and suicidal.
I keep busy and try really hard to keep my mind on other things. Worrying does not change anything. Worry is powerless.
Take care of yourself and keep posting.
Hugs,
MG
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Calif
Posts: 1,007
Thanks Originally posted by Just Tired
Welcome devastated!
Your post made me cringe...how cruel...and how horrible that he does those things to you.
You have broken the ice here by posting for the first time, please come back. We are here for you and if you have been lurking at all you know how supportive we are. If you haven't...well stick around and you will soon find out. You have friends here who have been where you are.
(((Hugs)))
JT
Welcome devastated!
Your post made me cringe...how cruel...and how horrible that he does those things to you.
You have broken the ice here by posting for the first time, please come back. We are here for you and if you have been lurking at all you know how supportive we are. If you haven't...well stick around and you will soon find out. You have friends here who have been where you are.
(((Hugs)))
JT
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Calif
Posts: 1,007
TO Sugar 52
Originally posted by sugar52
hi to davidsmom and mg and all of you caring, loving, courageous women.
i don't know what to say other than god bless you all and guide u where u need to be.
my husband has kept the focus going with his binges and rehab, but i must confess that my 28 year-old son has been liviing in my cold basement. we are out of rooms, big family. this boy of mine left home at 16, by my request. he was not going to school and not working, hanging out with scum and stealing money and even his little sisters and brothers boom boxes and game boys. one day i really confronted him about where he was going with his life. his room was disgusting and i'll spare you the details, and he smelled, hadn't showered for days. he told me to f off and he'd do whatever he wanted. i said not in my house, we have some core rules and why do u want to be dirty. to make a long story short he slapped me and told me agaim to f off and went screaming out the door. i didn't hear from him for a year and a half. i cried and cried and prayed and blamed my mothering and his absent father and his new stepfather all that time.
let me tell u about jason. 6foot 2, curly auburn hair, handsome, green eyes and above average iq. adht, compulsive and obsessive. well, he lived on the streets of rochester, we're a coutry family. he lived in cars and cardboard boxes. he had nothing going for him and refused to ask for anything. pride, i wonder where he got that from!! to make a 12 year story short, the boy has seen a side of life i never in a thousand years would have thought a child of mine would see. he slowly came back alittle at a time. just for xmas and thanksgiving. he found his way and ended up marrying at 21 to a nice girl who took him in. she is in her last year of med school at u of pa at erie. while they were in rochester she helped him to find some education. he got his ged, and became a ford tech by going to a community college. then they bought a computer and his obsessive personality made him use that computer day and night. then he became a hacker, something i'm not proud of, but then he realized how smart he is. then he got certified to build networks and got exclusive training from cisco and itt to become 1 of 14 in usa with his qualifications. he had a job making 100,000 a year until this summer. guess what happened then. wife moved to pa and he lost his only friend. he went looking for friends and since he has no social skills he found some down and out people to help. codependence!! he figured that someone helped him so he should someone else. well the people he helped were dealing cocaine in his house where they stayed while he was at work. his house got busted and he got arrested for having the lease in his name. he fell in live with a stripper who he is still involved with. meanwhile he has been suppoting his wife in med school for 3 years. he lost his job, because of his personal life interfering, he is filing bankruptcy with wife, getting his car repoed and living in my basement. my husband doesn't want him here and his sisters and brothers are all angry and judgemental. he said to me crying mom i can't go back to living in a car. i don't know if it was the right thing to do, but i put up some rules and talked with the rest of the family and told them i'd like their input. trust me it wasn't real good. i then decided that noone else here was his mom but me and i know he needs to get his life in order. i hope he does and i'm not making it real comfortable for him, but he is my son and his dad is dead, and grandparents sick and estranged. what should i do. this time i had to follow my heart and i'm wearing my helmet around all the other people that i love and live with in this house. unless ur a mom, u can't know about motherhood. i don't want to enable him, but it's cold out and he has no money for food. he is damaged goods from the past and i want to try to help him and i'm being crucified. oh well, i've helped a lot of family and friends and i hope i'm doing the right thing. sorry about the ramble. take care and i'll pray for all of us
mothers!! hugs from sugar
hi to davidsmom and mg and all of you caring, loving, courageous women.
i don't know what to say other than god bless you all and guide u where u need to be.
my husband has kept the focus going with his binges and rehab, but i must confess that my 28 year-old son has been liviing in my cold basement. we are out of rooms, big family. this boy of mine left home at 16, by my request. he was not going to school and not working, hanging out with scum and stealing money and even his little sisters and brothers boom boxes and game boys. one day i really confronted him about where he was going with his life. his room was disgusting and i'll spare you the details, and he smelled, hadn't showered for days. he told me to f off and he'd do whatever he wanted. i said not in my house, we have some core rules and why do u want to be dirty. to make a long story short he slapped me and told me agaim to f off and went screaming out the door. i didn't hear from him for a year and a half. i cried and cried and prayed and blamed my mothering and his absent father and his new stepfather all that time.
let me tell u about jason. 6foot 2, curly auburn hair, handsome, green eyes and above average iq. adht, compulsive and obsessive. well, he lived on the streets of rochester, we're a coutry family. he lived in cars and cardboard boxes. he had nothing going for him and refused to ask for anything. pride, i wonder where he got that from!! to make a 12 year story short, the boy has seen a side of life i never in a thousand years would have thought a child of mine would see. he slowly came back alittle at a time. just for xmas and thanksgiving. he found his way and ended up marrying at 21 to a nice girl who took him in. she is in her last year of med school at u of pa at erie. while they were in rochester she helped him to find some education. he got his ged, and became a ford tech by going to a community college. then they bought a computer and his obsessive personality made him use that computer day and night. then he became a hacker, something i'm not proud of, but then he realized how smart he is. then he got certified to build networks and got exclusive training from cisco and itt to become 1 of 14 in usa with his qualifications. he had a job making 100,000 a year until this summer. guess what happened then. wife moved to pa and he lost his only friend. he went looking for friends and since he has no social skills he found some down and out people to help. codependence!! he figured that someone helped him so he should someone else. well the people he helped were dealing cocaine in his house where they stayed while he was at work. his house got busted and he got arrested for having the lease in his name. he fell in live with a stripper who he is still involved with. meanwhile he has been suppoting his wife in med school for 3 years. he lost his job, because of his personal life interfering, he is filing bankruptcy with wife, getting his car repoed and living in my basement. my husband doesn't want him here and his sisters and brothers are all angry and judgemental. he said to me crying mom i can't go back to living in a car. i don't know if it was the right thing to do, but i put up some rules and talked with the rest of the family and told them i'd like their input. trust me it wasn't real good. i then decided that noone else here was his mom but me and i know he needs to get his life in order. i hope he does and i'm not making it real comfortable for him, but he is my son and his dad is dead, and grandparents sick and estranged. what should i do. this time i had to follow my heart and i'm wearing my helmet around all the other people that i love and live with in this house. unless ur a mom, u can't know about motherhood. i don't want to enable him, but it's cold out and he has no money for food. he is damaged goods from the past and i want to try to help him and i'm being crucified. oh well, i've helped a lot of family and friends and i hope i'm doing the right thing. sorry about the ramble. take care and i'll pray for all of us
mothers!! hugs from sugar
Hi Sugar52:
I certainly can relate to what you're going through. My son is also very intellegent. Cannot stand success I guess, because everytime he gets on top of the world, he sabbotages himself! It's the self-esteem thing I guess. I know how you feel about wanting to protect him, because I've been doing this for 40 years! The rest of my family, x-husband, present husband, his sister, cousins, etc., say forget it! He's done too much damage to the family. Let him find his way. It's difficult. Here it is winter and he knows if he keeps up this behaviour the girlfriend (who has had it too) is ready to throw him out! I don't know what to do. Just go day by day...what else can we do...My prayers are with you too..... devastated
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Posts: n/a
Hi devastated,
When I first came to these boards several months ago I felt the same way you do. Sometimes I still feel that way, but I'm learning that my life doesn't revolve around my son. I've learned to stop worrying most of the day. I still worry at times each day, but it doesn't comsume me like it used to.
You may want to talk to your doctor and see about taking an antidepressant. That has really helped me with worry. I think it has helped a lot of others here too.
I don't know if you've read addictive personality at the top of the naranon board, but it helped me a lot when I first got here to see that I was actually harming my son by rescuing him all the time. I've gradually let a lot of that go.
There is so much hope for you to have a better life. Keep reading the posts here and learn all you can.
Keep posting.
Hugs,
MG
When I first came to these boards several months ago I felt the same way you do. Sometimes I still feel that way, but I'm learning that my life doesn't revolve around my son. I've learned to stop worrying most of the day. I still worry at times each day, but it doesn't comsume me like it used to.
You may want to talk to your doctor and see about taking an antidepressant. That has really helped me with worry. I think it has helped a lot of others here too.
I don't know if you've read addictive personality at the top of the naranon board, but it helped me a lot when I first got here to see that I was actually harming my son by rescuing him all the time. I've gradually let a lot of that go.
There is so much hope for you to have a better life. Keep reading the posts here and learn all you can.
Keep posting.
Hugs,
MG
Paused
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Toledo, Ohio
Posts: 27
When I started this thread I had figured that maybe I'd get one response. Maybe there was one mom out there going through what I have been going through. Unfortunately there are more of us out there than I thought.
I've read every letter and have picked up some useful information.
1- people will only do to you what you let them do.
You can't control what they do, but you don't have to put up
with anyone steeling from you or hitting you or threatening you
in any way. You must have enough guts to tell them that your
not going to put up with certain things. This will not make them
hate you, but maybe respect you a little. I think that the
reason people get over on us and treat us this way is because
they know they can get away with it.
2-I've talked to people and i find myself saying more than once
that my son is hitting bottom again. The more I think about it
the more that I've come to realize that he hasn't hit bottom
most times because I've always been there to try to save him.
I'm always there trying to save him from some situation he's
gotten himself into. Anything from being homeless (yes i let
him stay in my basement when he has no where to go) to
helping him out of trouble with the law or someone else.
I feed him if he's hungry and I buy him clothes if its freezing
out and I know he's cold.
Maybe if I did actually let him hit bottom by himself, he will learn to save himself or avoid things that mama won't take care of anymore. Who Knows?
Do I practice what I preach?
I'm working on it.
We need to think long and hard about weather we're doing the best for them when we help them. When we should help and when we should let them learn a lesson.
And most of all how we let them treat us. They want someone strong to look up to.
They may listen to us if they respect us. Anyone who treats us bad, doesn't respect us.
Davids Mom
I've read every letter and have picked up some useful information.
1- people will only do to you what you let them do.
You can't control what they do, but you don't have to put up
with anyone steeling from you or hitting you or threatening you
in any way. You must have enough guts to tell them that your
not going to put up with certain things. This will not make them
hate you, but maybe respect you a little. I think that the
reason people get over on us and treat us this way is because
they know they can get away with it.
2-I've talked to people and i find myself saying more than once
that my son is hitting bottom again. The more I think about it
the more that I've come to realize that he hasn't hit bottom
most times because I've always been there to try to save him.
I'm always there trying to save him from some situation he's
gotten himself into. Anything from being homeless (yes i let
him stay in my basement when he has no where to go) to
helping him out of trouble with the law or someone else.
I feed him if he's hungry and I buy him clothes if its freezing
out and I know he's cold.
Maybe if I did actually let him hit bottom by himself, he will learn to save himself or avoid things that mama won't take care of anymore. Who Knows?
Do I practice what I preach?
I'm working on it.
We need to think long and hard about weather we're doing the best for them when we help them. When we should help and when we should let them learn a lesson.
And most of all how we let them treat us. They want someone strong to look up to.
They may listen to us if they respect us. Anyone who treats us bad, doesn't respect us.
Davids Mom
Fantastic Member
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Chicago, Illinois
Posts: 176
Dear **************{Davidsmom}}}}}}}}}}}}}...........
I can't relate to the problem with children God has given me three grat adult kids...but I have to tell you my heart goes out to you. I can't imagine anything more heart wrenching as your child on the street. Every Mother here on this board is beyond strong. I too believe that the tough love thing is way toooooo much...who care when you have been so tough and you child is gone forever.
You stay strong and hugs to you
Love Kitty
I can't relate to the problem with children God has given me three grat adult kids...but I have to tell you my heart goes out to you. I can't imagine anything more heart wrenching as your child on the street. Every Mother here on this board is beyond strong. I too believe that the tough love thing is way toooooo much...who care when you have been so tough and you child is gone forever.
You stay strong and hugs to you
Love Kitty
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Calif
Posts: 1,007
Good Children
Originally posted by Kittycat
Dear **************{Davidsmom}}}}}}}}}}}}}...........
I can't relate to the problem with children God has given me three grat adult kids...but I have to tell you my heart goes out to you. I can't imagine anything more heart wrenching as your child on the street. Every Mother here on this board is beyond strong. I too believe that the tough love thing is way toooooo much...who care when you have been so tough and you child is gone forever.
You stay strong and hugs to you
Love Kitty
Dear **************{Davidsmom}}}}}}}}}}}}}...........
I can't relate to the problem with children God has given me three grat adult kids...but I have to tell you my heart goes out to you. I can't imagine anything more heart wrenching as your child on the street. Every Mother here on this board is beyond strong. I too believe that the tough love thing is way toooooo much...who care when you have been so tough and you child is gone forever.
You stay strong and hugs to you
Love Kitty
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Calif
Posts: 1,007
Re: Good Children
Originally posted by devastated
You are so lucky to have raised good children!! Probably because you learned early that in order to save them pain later in life you must let them face there problems young! I, unfortunately, never let my son face anything. I did everything for him!! Big mistake! I'm still doing it! The more I read here and the more I write the more I'm beginning to see what and where I'm going wrong! I actually felt pretty good today for a brief time anyway. Hugs,
Paused
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Texas
Posts: 2
Oh God, you have just described my 14 year old son. I have him in rehab now and just the thought of the pain that we are experiencing can last for years and years. It's more than I can bear.
They are considering putting him in a state hospital if he doesn't put more effort into the program. He is doing just the min. to get by and no more. It doesn't seem to bother him being there. The only thing that hurts him his rejection from me. So I told him because I didn't get any positive feedback this week that I am not going to drive three hours to come see him, that he has to earn it. I guess I'll know if seeing me is worth helping himself.
Please advise of any suggestions that you wished you would of tried. I have to at least feel in my heart of hearts that I did everything I could do.
Tammy
They are considering putting him in a state hospital if he doesn't put more effort into the program. He is doing just the min. to get by and no more. It doesn't seem to bother him being there. The only thing that hurts him his rejection from me. So I told him because I didn't get any positive feedback this week that I am not going to drive three hours to come see him, that he has to earn it. I guess I'll know if seeing me is worth helping himself.
Please advise of any suggestions that you wished you would of tried. I have to at least feel in my heart of hearts that I did everything I could do.
Tammy
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Toledo, Ohio
Posts: 27
Hotlips,
I considered many times not going to see my son in rehab or jail or where ever he was at the time. I of course was the only one visiting anyway.
For myself, I decided that I needed to show him that no matter what he did that I'd always be there. I didn't try to get him out of where ever, but just showed him that there was someone in his life that loved him and would be there for him no matter how stupid he acted.
But on the other hand, you are a reward to him and maybe if you skipped a visit it may show him what it would be like to have no one there for him.
Tough call! Good luck.
Davids mom
I considered many times not going to see my son in rehab or jail or where ever he was at the time. I of course was the only one visiting anyway.
For myself, I decided that I needed to show him that no matter what he did that I'd always be there. I didn't try to get him out of where ever, but just showed him that there was someone in his life that loved him and would be there for him no matter how stupid he acted.
But on the other hand, you are a reward to him and maybe if you skipped a visit it may show him what it would be like to have no one there for him.
Tough call! Good luck.
Davids mom
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Calif
Posts: 1,007
Hotlips
Hello Hotlips:
Read your post today about your 14 year old. You are lucky to catch this so young. Like Davidsmom, I, too, was the only one to visit my son first in Juvenile Hall, then jail, next prison. Prison was probably the most humiliating time for me. They treated every visitor like a second-class citizen. I can't tell you how much it cost me in telephone calls! I can't tell you how mad my husband would get when I would insist on driving 2-1/1 hours in a huge storm just to visit him because I promised. I figured someone had to be there for him.
I guess if I had it to do over, and this is something I tell him now, I wouldn't visit and I would allow him only one call a week. I would put minimum on his books instead of cleaning houses for extra money so he could be comfortable and send him 25.00 a week, books and whatever else I was allowed to send. Maybe this way, he would think before getting in trouble again.
Although, I have heard him say many times that he will never go back to prison, he sure does some stupid things!
So, after doing and running and jumping for him what did I get in the end??? Nothing but disrespect! He calls me names ....filthy names...no one has ever talked to me like I allow him to. Only lately, I will just hang up on him. Also, he says things like you are the poorest excuse for a Mom anyone could ever have...and since he's adopted, his favorite line is....no wonder God never gave you children!
I'm new to the forum and really not in a position to give advice because I'm in such a mess myself but the other more experience ladies sure are wise....all we have to do is listen and remember. I'll pray for you and your child. Hugs, Devastated
Read your post today about your 14 year old. You are lucky to catch this so young. Like Davidsmom, I, too, was the only one to visit my son first in Juvenile Hall, then jail, next prison. Prison was probably the most humiliating time for me. They treated every visitor like a second-class citizen. I can't tell you how much it cost me in telephone calls! I can't tell you how mad my husband would get when I would insist on driving 2-1/1 hours in a huge storm just to visit him because I promised. I figured someone had to be there for him.
I guess if I had it to do over, and this is something I tell him now, I wouldn't visit and I would allow him only one call a week. I would put minimum on his books instead of cleaning houses for extra money so he could be comfortable and send him 25.00 a week, books and whatever else I was allowed to send. Maybe this way, he would think before getting in trouble again.
Although, I have heard him say many times that he will never go back to prison, he sure does some stupid things!
So, after doing and running and jumping for him what did I get in the end??? Nothing but disrespect! He calls me names ....filthy names...no one has ever talked to me like I allow him to. Only lately, I will just hang up on him. Also, he says things like you are the poorest excuse for a Mom anyone could ever have...and since he's adopted, his favorite line is....no wonder God never gave you children!
I'm new to the forum and really not in a position to give advice because I'm in such a mess myself but the other more experience ladies sure are wise....all we have to do is listen and remember. I'll pray for you and your child. Hugs, Devastated
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Toledo, Ohio
Posts: 27
To Everyone and Devistated:
I want to thank you all for your input. I've been dealing with this problem for years now and I have seen more improvement in myself and what I have the strength to do in the last couple of weeks because of all of you.
For months now I have been letting my son sneak into my basement and "live" there. I sneak this because my husband (I'm sure like many others) could kick him out into the cold in a second. My husband is a good man but he just won't tolerate the things I do.
I have found the strength to stand up to my son and tell him that I'm tired of this situation. I'm tired of covering for him, lying for him and supporting him all so he doesn't have to take any responsibility for himself.
I know now because of you all, what I must do.
I'm scared because its freezing out and the thought of my son being hungry and out in the cold devistates me.
But I know now that he MUST go through this before there's any hope of him getting better.
I know that by helping him that I am just prolonging the inevitable.
There's never going to be a good time to see him go through this but I feel that I have had enough. I can't tolerate the stress of the whole situation and I am the only one that can stop myself from feeling constant pain.
My attitude has changed. I see now that I'm not doing him any favors helping him live the life that he is. I must let him feel pain to help him recover. I've always tried to carry the pain for him so that he didn't need to.
You have given me strength just being there and knowing that other people know how I feel. Thank you all.
Devistated,
As for the name calling and insults, as bad as my son has ever been he has never called me a name in my life (at least not to my face). We've had our fights, lots and lots of them but never the disrespect that your son has shown you.
Just remember, PEOPLE WILL ONLY DO TO YOU WHAT YOU LET THEM DO. There is no reason to put up with that. He obviously has no respect for you and I think the best and fastest way to get him to respect you is to not let him talk to you like that.
You must be strong with the name calling thing. He WILL respect you for that.
Davids mom
I want to thank you all for your input. I've been dealing with this problem for years now and I have seen more improvement in myself and what I have the strength to do in the last couple of weeks because of all of you.
For months now I have been letting my son sneak into my basement and "live" there. I sneak this because my husband (I'm sure like many others) could kick him out into the cold in a second. My husband is a good man but he just won't tolerate the things I do.
I have found the strength to stand up to my son and tell him that I'm tired of this situation. I'm tired of covering for him, lying for him and supporting him all so he doesn't have to take any responsibility for himself.
I know now because of you all, what I must do.
I'm scared because its freezing out and the thought of my son being hungry and out in the cold devistates me.
But I know now that he MUST go through this before there's any hope of him getting better.
I know that by helping him that I am just prolonging the inevitable.
There's never going to be a good time to see him go through this but I feel that I have had enough. I can't tolerate the stress of the whole situation and I am the only one that can stop myself from feeling constant pain.
My attitude has changed. I see now that I'm not doing him any favors helping him live the life that he is. I must let him feel pain to help him recover. I've always tried to carry the pain for him so that he didn't need to.
You have given me strength just being there and knowing that other people know how I feel. Thank you all.
Devistated,
As for the name calling and insults, as bad as my son has ever been he has never called me a name in my life (at least not to my face). We've had our fights, lots and lots of them but never the disrespect that your son has shown you.
Just remember, PEOPLE WILL ONLY DO TO YOU WHAT YOU LET THEM DO. There is no reason to put up with that. He obviously has no respect for you and I think the best and fastest way to get him to respect you is to not let him talk to you like that.
You must be strong with the name calling thing. He WILL respect you for that.
Davids mom
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Calif
Posts: 1,007
Davidsmom
Hello Davidsmom:
Boy, I think we are sisters! And we're married to the same man! I've done the lying, covering up, pretending I'm not talking to him on the phone, etc. and where did it get me??? My son is still in the same position or worse and my husband doesn't trust me at all. Well, I'm with you and it's only been the last two weeks I've said no more. I prayed and told God that I can't handle it anymore and I've turned it over to Him. Do you know that the next day I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. Yes, you're right about the name calling too! I put a stop to that I just hang up and take the phone off the hook I think he got the idea. You're right about the ladies on this forum...they really have helped me a lot. I still vacillate a great deal, but when I start to do this I think about how I'm not helping him grow by trying to endur his pain. I get off track and then hop back on! It's really difficult isn't it? Try to have a good holiday....Hugs, Devastated
Boy, I think we are sisters! And we're married to the same man! I've done the lying, covering up, pretending I'm not talking to him on the phone, etc. and where did it get me??? My son is still in the same position or worse and my husband doesn't trust me at all. Well, I'm with you and it's only been the last two weeks I've said no more. I prayed and told God that I can't handle it anymore and I've turned it over to Him. Do you know that the next day I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. Yes, you're right about the name calling too! I put a stop to that I just hang up and take the phone off the hook I think he got the idea. You're right about the ladies on this forum...they really have helped me a lot. I still vacillate a great deal, but when I start to do this I think about how I'm not helping him grow by trying to endur his pain. I get off track and then hop back on! It's really difficult isn't it? Try to have a good holiday....Hugs, Devastated
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Toledo, Ohio
Posts: 27
I wonder what goes on in their minds, or what it teaches them when we lie and cover up for them?
I think maybe it shows our weakness to them???
It sure can't win us any respect.
I wish I could be a man for a day. Their attitude is pretty cut and dried.
That is:
When our kids are cold and hungry enough they will finally go out and get a job and start taking care of themselves. The end!
Wouldn't it be great to feel that way? To make all our decisions without all the crap we mothers carry around and feel. How can our kids get to that point if we are always trying to save them and keep them from "hitting bottom".
Ahh, to be a man for a day!
Davidsmom
I think maybe it shows our weakness to them???
It sure can't win us any respect.
I wish I could be a man for a day. Their attitude is pretty cut and dried.
That is:
When our kids are cold and hungry enough they will finally go out and get a job and start taking care of themselves. The end!
Wouldn't it be great to feel that way? To make all our decisions without all the crap we mothers carry around and feel. How can our kids get to that point if we are always trying to save them and keep them from "hitting bottom".
Ahh, to be a man for a day!
Davidsmom
Southern through and through
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: In.....trouble :-)
Posts: 1,453
Davidsmom,
I sent you a private message. Hope you don't mind, but I see we are going through a lot of the same stuff.
My heart goes out to you. I certainly understand the depth of your pain and confusion. I'm beginning to question my own judgement. I USED TO THINK I was a reasonably smart woman, but when it comes to doing the right thing for these kids, it is very hard to know, without a doubt, what we should do.
Check out my private message. Maybe we can muddle through this together.
Hugs gal!
I sent you a private message. Hope you don't mind, but I see we are going through a lot of the same stuff.
My heart goes out to you. I certainly understand the depth of your pain and confusion. I'm beginning to question my own judgement. I USED TO THINK I was a reasonably smart woman, but when it comes to doing the right thing for these kids, it is very hard to know, without a doubt, what we should do.
Check out my private message. Maybe we can muddle through this together.
Hugs gal!
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Calif
Posts: 1,007
David'smom
Hi Davidsmom:
Boy you hit the nail on the head when you said "they don't respect us." The more we sneak and do and give, the more they pull away from us. My Son screwed up a couple of weeks ago when he came to our house and told my husband he didn't want one f---ing thing from him! He doesn't forgive disrepect easily! Now the son knows he really screwed up big time. You don't cross him and get away with it.
My Son has been calling and scaring the X-girlfriend telling her he is here in town when he is suppose to be 3 hours away from here. I finally couldn't take this nonsense anymore with her leaving her home and hiding out! I told him last night, if he ever wants this family to heal and if he ever wants to be part of this family again he will stop right now with the telephone calls. I said if you ever call and scare her again I swear you will never be allowed to join this family again! He said, he respected that and would not make any more calls. Well, we made it through today, hopefully tomorrow will be the same ..... no more calls! Hope we all make it through these Holidays...Hugs, Devastated
Boy you hit the nail on the head when you said "they don't respect us." The more we sneak and do and give, the more they pull away from us. My Son screwed up a couple of weeks ago when he came to our house and told my husband he didn't want one f---ing thing from him! He doesn't forgive disrepect easily! Now the son knows he really screwed up big time. You don't cross him and get away with it.
My Son has been calling and scaring the X-girlfriend telling her he is here in town when he is suppose to be 3 hours away from here. I finally couldn't take this nonsense anymore with her leaving her home and hiding out! I told him last night, if he ever wants this family to heal and if he ever wants to be part of this family again he will stop right now with the telephone calls. I said if you ever call and scare her again I swear you will never be allowed to join this family again! He said, he respected that and would not make any more calls. Well, we made it through today, hopefully tomorrow will be the same ..... no more calls! Hope we all make it through these Holidays...Hugs, Devastated
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Toledo, Ohio
Posts: 27
The hardest thing is following through with our threats. I have not followed through with about a million threats I have made and I think this probably has a lot to do with a lot of things he gets away with and does.
Davidsmom
Davidsmom
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