meli2005

Well, my AH got kicked out of outpt. rehab. On Thurs, he told me had relapsed 9 days ago (he's living in an apt) and he had already relapsed another time in the rehab program. Well, they told him if he relapsed again he was going to be asked to leave the program and referred elsewhere. Anyway, so on Thursday night, he drank again and wrekced his car again. He ran into a pole in the apt complex and did $2500 to $4500 of damage to his brand new car. He was going out to get more alcohol, had run out. Third accident in a year. Plus a DUI last month.

So yesterday, went to the scheduled family session w/him and he was referred to other places, told he was on the pathway to becoming a "chronic relapser".

I think I need to get on w/my life and move on. It's time... I can't deal with this anymore, it is just too much. I think he has desire to get better, but he hasn't surrendered to the alcohol or to God. He's still not accepted the first step of the 12 steps.

I am stepping out of the way and it's ALL up to him as it always has been . I can't deal with it anymore. I need to work on more positive things in my life or I'm going to go absoultey crazy and have a nervous breakdown.

I feel so pained right now. I know I feel much more pain than my AH. I've even had thoughts of running the car off the road and damaging it and ending it all. I'm angry too.

I need to look into seeing a lawyer, selling the house, etc. So much to think about, but I'm not going to do it today, it's just too much.

Thanks for listening, everyone....

gelfling

Follow your gut instincts. Sounds as if you've hit your bottom. Enough pain. Do what you have to do and do it knowing you've done everything humanly possible to make your lives work. It's a two way street. You can't do it alone.

Good luck and blessings.

meli2005

Thanks everyone for your kind words. Right now, I don't know what else to do. There is nothing I can do for my AH, nothing really I could EVER do. It is all up to him.

Right now, I am praying lots for answers from God to lead me on the right pathway. I have a little boy to think about.

Savana 54

(((meli)))

I'm also sorry for the pain that you are in. This disease sure takes a huge toll on all those associated to the A. You are on the right track in your thinking that you cannot help him and you can only take care of you and your son.

Hugs to your son too...

meli2005

Thanks Savana,

I just got off the phone w/him. Kept it short/simple. He did say he was sober last night, I told him good for him and hope it all goes well for him. But I cannot continue at this point to worry about his treatment for the disease, I don't have the energy or strength to do so.

I am learning slowly....

Girlfriend

Hi Meli,

He's in a heap of trouble now. That's alot. To relapse, get kicked out of therapy, wreck the car and had a DUI last month? He's not hit bottom, yet.

Sometimes, it takes FOREVER for them to see what they're doing to themselves, their loved ones.......some never do.

I did want sobriety. I wanted it really badly...not so much for myself, but for my kids. I did it for all 3 of us and that was a long time ago and have never wanted back, ever. It's a living hell for everyone.

My xabf is SO in debt, has filed for bankruptcy, may not have his job of 24 yrs anymore because while he was supposed to be in rehab, he was out flying in airplanes having joy rides (while they paid him for that), now he's in rehab about to get out and hasn't changed a bit. In fact, he's more of an angry person now then when he was when he went in.

He'll go to jail for 9 months if he relapses cuz he's on probation for an old DUI and he drank and blew a 2.39 BAC when he tried to commit suicide a month and a half ago.
His sister and brother-in-law say that if he doesn't get sober in rehab, they are "through with him" (we'll see....she's said that before. But, their marraige is on the rocks because of his crap) and he lost his only friend, me, while in there. I have a PPO out on him.

Although he says he's made new friends in rehab "for life", I know that when I went to group counseling for 9 months for domestic violence and alcohol (this was 15 years ago. My ex husband wasn't an A, but he was abusive), i made "real friendships", too, in there, but one "friend" ended up sleeping with my ex and the other one kept using alcohol and me...... I'm not sure all friendships end up like that out of rehab. Maybe some stay friends in solid, rare cases, but they're addicts and the first year of sobriety should be focused on themselves and not relationships.

I agree with the rest, listen to your heart because that's where Jesus lives and follow that inner voice. Take care of yourself and your little boy. They are SO precious and didn't ask for any of the insanity of alcoholism. Neither did my kids. Neither did you!

Hang in there!

((hugs))

minnie

Meli, sweetheart. I know how tough this is. You're stuck right there on the rollercoaster. You can get off, you know. A lifetime's problems cannot be fixed in a few weeks, even if the A is willing. It's OK not to want to do this anymore. It's OK to want to see significant changes before you re-commit. It's OK to get out now if that's what you want. You aren't abandoning him - he's doing that to himself.

You're going to be OK.

Gabe

Well, there you go Meli.
Your answer, in your very own words.
We get to choose.
Whether we deal with the positive or the negative.
Whether we walk in the darkness or the light.
It sounds like you're ready to do some healing.
So go on and do that, one breath at at time.
There is a happy life out there waiting for you, I promise.

meli2005

thanks, everyone, again for your kind words and encouragement. This forum has been so helpful to me. I know we have all had the same pain, you know exactly what I am going through!!

girlfriend, glad you are away from the alcoholic, doesn't sound like a positive influence to me.

Thanks again guys!

cwohio

((meli))

that's the nagging feeling i always have - guess maybe because i was abandoned emotionally by my A mother & emotionally unavailable father & AH.

prayers to u in you time of need.


Hugs - Christie

meli2005

I keep wondering, what if I leave and then he gets better. Isn't there something more I can do? But my brain tells me you can't do this for him, it's not related to what you can do, it is all about what he needs/can do.

Oh the brain versus my emotions. Which do you listen to? I think overall the brain is the smarter of the two, but being a woman I'm full of emotions....

What if I'm terribly lonely being single? Another nagging question.

Oh thanks everyone...

minnie

What if you stay and he doesn't?

Gabe

I don't know Meli, how lonely is it being married to a man who can't stay sober and cheats on you?
It's your decision.
And a life on your own doesn't have to be lonely.

Girlfriend

That's a fear of mine, too, Meli.....is being lonely. But, Gabe is right. It's more lonely being with a man that isn't "there" for you. You could be in the same house together, but if he's drunk and/or passed out......what kind of sharing/company/relationship is that?

Something that really helps me out and has in the past, too, is volunteering. I do mine with the youth and the homeless. Some sad situations out there and it helps you see that we're not the only ones with pain. Some have it alot worse.

To go and spend some time with them and even doing something really little to help put a smile on their face is SO rewarding. It really helps you to feel better and realize that you have a good heart.....you ARE a good person despite what the A's in our lives have told us.

Plus, journal. Write your feelings down and then come back to them a day later and read what you wrote. That really helps to take the power out of the strong emotions. And, of course, go to Al-anon meetings. Read some books about co-dependency and al-anon. I'm gonna go out today and get some. Knowledge gives us power to overcome.

You'll be just fine!

((hugs))

minnie

I know that I have been far more lonely in relationships than I ever have when single. I am pretty lonely just now, but it just doesn't compare to the evenings I spent when my ex was passed out on the sofa. I know that I could have been doing other things and occupying my time better, but heck, I was supposed to be in a relationship, not have a room-mate. I live with my brother now and he IS a room-mate. We have more fun together than I ever did in the last months with my ex.

nocellphone

I think that's the best choice a person can make when dealing with an active alcoholic.

I never want to come between someone and their bottom. If I do, I'll end up crushed...

humming bird

I am totaly a mess now too because of AH. Life is really hard when you to live or have them in your life.

I thought I was so strong but I just found out I am very weak.

I am sending you a great big hug!!!

I am just realizing how many of us out there are in the same boat. It is such a shame to have to deal with this craziness!!! Life is suppose to be good with your partner and partners are not suppose to hurt each other.

Best wishes!!!

meli2005

Yes, hummingbirds, partners are supposed to be there for each other, both giving/taking.

You aren't weak at all!! Anyone who lives w/an active alcoholic is not weak in any shape or form.

Yes, there does seem to be a lot of us. (unfortunately!)