Chuckles101301

on the list of priorities. My RAH came home last night from a class he has to take to remain compliant with his medical professionals monitoring board. He had been given a fair rating after nearly 10 months of classes. He remarked that he felt he got a D on his report card. It listed his problems as working himself too hard on school, work, parenting and his relationship with his wife. While I understand the reasoning behind this, it later said that he needs to scrap or lessen some of these responsibilities to have adequate time for self-care. I guess I am one of those things that he needs to lessen his responsibilites on, as well as my daughter. This stuff hurts to hear, much less read in black and white. I still get a little angry when it comes to the whole selfishness part of this disease and the role of the care-giver/counselor as being to constantly remind the RAH to continue to be selfish. Unfortunately, in our world it isn't always feasible for my RAH to not be responsible for our daughter or for his job or for his school....I am responsible for myself and for taking care of our family financially, but I do believe that my RAH needs to be responsible for some aspects of our child's life. She didn't choose for him to have this disease and at the ripe old age of 1, she doesn't understand that fact the Daddy can't always be there for her because he needs to care for himself. He also has a child from a previous relationship that I shouldn't have to be responsible for at all. I still struggle with this attitude of lightening the load for the RAH, doesn't that give them an out, rather than encourage them to be responsible for their actions and behaviors? Why is it encouraged to let them face the consequences of their drinking, but after they are sober, they shouldn't be encouraged to face the consequences of life? I know this is a mini vent and even as I read it myself, I see the whininess and know what I should be focusing on. I just find it hard to accept that my RAH is being encouraged to let go of some of his responsibilities in the interest of self-care, when some of those responsibilites are what keep us going on a daily basis. We have trimmed what we can to de-stress his life, but other things just have to keep on keeping on. Just a few thoughts, feel free to share! Have a great day!

Zoey

Sounds strange, what is medical professionals? Is RAH a Dr.or Nurse?? or that the monitors are medical professionals??

Sometimes, some people are very fragil and the smallest amount of stress can cause a set back. Certainly not fair, but have you heard good reports from this???

Pick-a-name

Truthfully; I agree with this. My A/H still "doesn't have a problem"; so he gets professionals to give him this crap-advice. (we have all been there, I imagine, so I will stop here with that).

My sister is now in Intensiving out-patient treatment (also alcoholism) so I am involved with her family sessions. I have noticed this, and find the same attitude, more or less.........I sometimes think that as most of the councilers are themselves recovering A's they themselves carry this "ism" over . Or is it me? I am sure it is stressful, etc, they have lots of work, blah,blah,blah....BUT...so do we; AND we can't just quit because of the stress of living with something (ie children, $ for eating, etc,etc)....I think I hit a nerve!

Well; I guess BALANCE is all I am suggesting!

best of luck; glad he is working on it.

Chuckles101301

Clancy: He is a medical preofessional and because of this he is monitored by a regulatory board, random drug/alcohol testing and he has to take regular classes for at least three more months (at his request). This was a volunteer program so he can keep working in his field and they don't play around. He really hasn't gotten too positive of a response from the counselors in this program and they interact directly with his aftercare program counselors (he did in-patient treatment). I am not sure what to think of a "fair" rating as we really haven't seen any other progress reports. I think he was asking about being done with classes and they gave him this report, then he agreed it would be best to continue classes (at $44 per week). Do I sound paranoid or what?! I think hearing about how much stress he has through school (3/4-time) and work (less than part-time), parenting: he is home during the day while I work and this can be really stressful, but I have to work and we don't have any extra money for daycare (she already goes 1 1/2 days per week to give him a break) and then add to that trying to rebuild our relationship...which always seems to be on the list of stressful, but at the bottom of the list of priorities to fix. I just get a little upset by the constant insinuation that I must carry the load to relieve any extra burden on him, but I don't get to see any results. I think that I have done a pretty good job of attempting to make life easier and less stressful for him, but when can I reasonably expect the tides to turn? I know that I can handle stress a little better than my RAH but I can't do the majority forever and not have a chance to focus on my own self-health. I feel that it is easy for the counselors to minimize the role of the spouse, especially since they don't have to put a face to the name, so to speak. I am here and I count too!

I think balance is what it is all about, but I feel that things have been tipped for several months and will be for some to come. I just have to prepare myself for that mentally and emotionally. I love my RAH and I am so proud of what he has accomplished (sober for 10 months) and I am willing to support him in accomplishing more future goals, but I hope it works both ways. Maybe I should meet this counselor and put my face and my thoughts into the mix.......we'll see!

Zoey

Think I recall hearing in AA that, "this is a selfess program"

But please don't keep that thought.

I shall try to find a recovering A to maybe come on board here. Or I will go to the AA site and ask. If my memory correct there is an explanation.

It is like on a plane, A Mom wants to put the oxygen on the child first, but that second might put Mom out of it, then no one to help the child, so Mom must do hers first to be there for the child. Sounds selfess, yes. but needed.

walkingtheline

What a quandry!

The pluses here seem to be he realized he had a problem and took voluntary steps to correct them. The minuses here seem to be that anything that's too stressful for him becomes yours by default.

If that's the way it is, I don't think the answer is to find ways to thrust things upon him that he's either unwilling or being advised not to take on, but to find ways to relieve YOU of the added burdens.

Do you have insurance or something that would allow YOU some counseling as well? Do you have a friend who might take your child for a few hours a week so you can have some blissful "me time"?

Can you and your hub sit down and discuss your feelings? You know what he's been told but does he know how YOU feel? Is he aware of YOUR needs?

Addiction touches the lives of every member of the family. Each needs treatment (and self-care) not just the addicted.

It would be interesting to hear other's take on this matter...often we find out someone else has been there/done that.

Please keep posting and letting us know how it goes, someone down the line may benefit from it.

CarolD

I have no idea what the counselors are refering to.
Sorry.

I got sober in AA without rehabs or counsolers or aftercare.

My thoughts are to not concern yourself with their evaluation. It is his not yours.

I can not find the 'selfish program' in the on line Big Book. The search engine did not bring it up.
I have heard it in meetings..and thought it meant
'Sobriety is yours to safe guard'


However...the stuff you are mentioning is not the program of AA.
As I read your post.. It is opinions of counselors. Your husband has to go along with them ib order to retain his professional acrediation. That will be done soon.


Have you considered Alanon?

Just what I think... Blessings

laurie6781

I have heard it said in some meetings over the years that "this is a selfish program" and I suppose to some it is.

I have never found that in the Big Book of AA. However, the 12 steps of recovery do require a lot of inner searching and learning how to take responsibility for our actions not only while out there drinking and using but in sobriety also.

I agree with Carol that sounds like something his therapists are requiring of him to do.

And, as Carol also said, it is his problem, he must do what is required of him and work on him.

Have you looked into alanon???? It will tremendous help for you.

JMHO

Love and (((((to all))))),

meli2005

I can understand your frustration right now. I am bearing almost 100% of the load of my one year old son as well and taking care of a home pretty much by myself right now. Feel a bit overloaded (that's an understatement). Life is not always pretty and disease or not they have to learn to face it too.

Cap3

Welcome Chuckles,can surly understand how you are feeling.You say,i just get a little upset by the constant insinuation that i must carry the load to relieve any extra burdon on him.Been there too.I don't know who ever said that marriage is 50-50,but im betting whoever,said this, is divorced today,,lol.From my own experince and knowing others who are married,....sometimes.... its, a 10/90,30/70,40/60,etc,,etc,,.Depends where the spouces are at,mentally,phyically,and spiritually,at the time..How well they are..All i know for sure,is that when folks are in recovery,and working on change,that change will happen.Sometimes quickly.Sometimes slowly.You are no longer all alone.Have you thought about recovery,in the Al-anon program?Its for the family and friends of alcoholics.I cant say enough good things about this program.Helps me to work on my own recovery,which i need to do for me.I use to ask myself,will this ever end,all this stuff?And yes it has.Now today my hub and i have different stuff,lol,but we are both in recovery programs,and have ,God,and,the tools,of program to help us through.
Thanks for letting me share,,
God Bless and take care!!!!!!