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"This is your(my)life",pretty horrible

Old 11-02-2002, 11:11 PM
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"This is your(my)life",pretty horrible

i have no meetings to go to , so i come here, i read everyday, all of your posts and replys,, and its always funny, i sit here and say that is me,,i have done that, he has done that.. i cant believe how similar it all is.. how i want out.. how i just want to run. but i stay, and stay and threaten and threaten,, i am going to leave if you ask one more time for money, if you go through that bank one more time, if you write another check,, thats it,,i am gone, i hate you, you make me sick.. i resent the hell out of you, you have ruined my life for 28 years, i have totally wasted all of my life on you and helping you, i am your mom and not your wife, i become so outraged and mad that i dont even know what i am saying. this is my meeting.. you all are my friends in need. i read how you all support each other. and i read it every day...mostly at night.. i tell him i come here.
when i was little i used to walk in to my dad overdosing.. he was in WW2 and was on the front lines for about 4 years, shooting, killng, watching it. so he was put on big time meds from the VA, i mean like about 15 or so pills a day. and there was one he loved particularly. he would go to different docs and tell them stories and get that script and then proceed to come home and hide them everywhere,, even in his army jacket. i would come home many a time and he would be on the floor with my uncles helping him, he would go to detox every summer. then my brother became a paranoid schyzophrenic when he was 16, we would go to therapists with them all the time. they would each have to go to their seperate hospitals. they gave my brother shock treatments. he is 55 now and still has it and i have seen the worse of the disease , it is awful. my dad died at the age of 54 when i was 17, from lung cancer from all the smoking and all his organs shut down from all the meds he was taking. he died a horrible death, and this is what i have to live with, the big thing-i treated him horribly the years that i lived in that house. i talked to him so bad, i yelled at him, nothing he said i had a nice thing to say back. i did this from the time i was in 3rd grade until i was a jr. quit school when i was a jr , was pregnant from my now A, and had a beautiful baby boy and then lost my dad 2 months later. we had just started talking. he would play spoons over rory while he cried on the kitchen table. in his infant seat. me and my dad were talking...getting along, then he died. i did tell him i loved him before he died. my poor dad, he sat in one chair, for years and years and drank tea, smoked, and layed around. my mother was so bitter. and had to work 12 hours a day to support us, while he couldnt and my brother going through all he did.
fast forward to 85, divorced my now A, he did everything in the books to me, he physically abused me, went with alot of women, drank every weekend and would go out with the guys. while i sat at home being scared to death when he stepped foot in my door. i would stay up all night and watch out the window and would see the car coming and i would pretend i was asleep. most of the time it didnt matter, sometimes i felt like i was being raped cause i would let him just to keep him happy and he would pass out on top of me. he wrecked cars, me and my son would have to pack our "sacks" and walk to my mom too many a night...so i finally divorced him. he stalked and charmed at the same time his way back in 2 years later, promising me the world. it was good for awhile until i learned that he had the meth addiction. and it was bad, my kids would have to open the door to drug dealers all the time, and my daughters would find the needles all the time. they thought he was diabetic until they grew older, and then they knew. fast forward again to 93, got a job being a supervisor of customer service.. then found out what i had to do to keep it.... let my CEO sexually harrass me.. really bad. and i let him.... to keep my kids in soccer, dance, gym, camps, cheerleaders, all sorts of activities. i would get on the phone and he would put his hand down my blouse to my nipple while i was trying to fight him off,,, all my employees would leave me there. he would come up behind me in the break room and hold me while he brushed his you know what against me.. all the while holding my arms,, no one ever around. or would leave. or he would tell me to be still if i was at the copier,, and proceed to do whatever. i would hide in the bathroom from 430 to 5 , cause i would have to stay to 5 to answer the phone since i was boss.. he would come looking for me. this went on until 97 to keep that big money, after all my A was taking alot of his checks to keep his habit up. and we had teenagers coming up driving, insurance, proms, band concert dresses... then the company moved in 97 and i stayed in this town. oh and by the way i worked for a dentist in 88 that would give us our simple dental work free, and he also got me about 3 times while i was in the chair on nitrous. i always knew.. but i was like paralyzed. it wasnt as bad as the CEO but it was still too far,, to be checking,, one time he used the excuse he was checking for breast lumps.. and i was single with 3 kids.. in the projects. i quit him in the last of 88 and "he just couldnt understand why,that he would raise my salary but it would be a burden on him" screw you........
so alot more things have happened since 87, i have taken care of my A since about last of 89 with always i think, drug related illnesses, he had hepatitis and then he gave it to me, then he had a paralyzed vocal chord that was later on diagnosed with osteomylitis in 93. severe too. no one knew around here what was going on so it was left untreated for 2 years. so by that time he lost his left clavicle, and had 4 surgeries and vancomycin. nearly died. then in 97 he had this damn dreaded back surgery that has really sent me into hell...he has gone so downhill and he is on big time pain meds,along with meth.... has nearly broke us financially. he is so sick right now, this is how our day is spent.. me in pj's all day, sometimes not showering, hardly ever putting on makeup.. not caring about a damn thing. very very mad.. all the time. been diagnosed with MS in 2000, had a hysterectomy in 93 because of severe endo. and still in pain. he mostly stays in his room with the door shut and moaning and groaning. he cant hardly move his neck. his clavicle is red where the surgery site is so i am wondering if it is back, the osteo. the doc said it could come back. he is running low grade fever, called his doc from 93 and she cant see him because of maternity leave. so i dont know what is going to go from here. i am so mad, depressed, not looking forward to nothing. ever... i keep putting up a front in front of my mom.. she has health problems and i dont want to add. heart and high blood pressure. then come to find out one night ,, that a babysitter that kept the kids when i went out one time when we were divorced, the husband sexually assaulted i am going to say, both of my girls, one was 4, one was 7, and neither one knew it was happening to the other, and didnt tell me until they were teenagers. they were made to be put in a closet and well...i cant talk about it.. i know they have all needed counceling.. my son is pretty well ok, they all thank goodness did not marry any one that is an alchoholic or drug addict for now anyway. they all have kids. and they all moved away.
i feel like i am in a cage.. i cant escape. i feel trapped. i really hate him right now and dont even care that he is in pain, now that is not human..... and i am treating him like i did my dad. i never have a civil word for him ever. i bite back, and right now he is acting like a whipped pup.. guilty acting.. no telling what his liver and all are like. he has pain in his neck, back and all down his legs,
oh and my daughter had a baby in sept. while i was gone to help her, he pawned 5 of my diamond jewelery. they are gone forever. and he can look me straight in the eye and lie out his nose.. and not blink an eye. i have told him to leave so many times, he has no where to go and no body will put up with him.. all his brothers are the same as he is, one is in jail... and he has 4 brothers.. its sad. that mom knows how all of you moms feel. but she detached a long long time ago.. they are all on their own, dont go running back to her,, but then of course i am stuck with him.
well this is what i had to write, and this of course doesnt even probably touch the surface but it is already been too long of a post. but i had too.. i just did. and i know all of you have your stories, i read them every day and i am with all of you in spirit every day. you all are great people and somehow we are all going to make it.. somehow. just today i dont see how.. but who knows how i will feel tomorrow.......i never know........ and of course it is rainy and cold and yucky...
thanks for reading...sorry so so long.. think of it this way,, it could have been a lot longer.. a lot more stories/////
WE ARE STRONG... WE CAN MAKE IT...... WE WILL MAKE IT......LOVE YALL
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Old 11-03-2002, 12:07 AM
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Morning Glory
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Nana,

We always love hearing from you. You can post a long story anytime you want to.

I don't have the answers for you, but I really care about you.

Have you checked to see if he is eligible for in home health care so all the burden wouldn't be on you? There has to be some way that you can get a break.

I know where you are coming from with all the sexual harassment. I've been through it all too. It is so hard to regain self esteem and let go of guilt and shame that we shouldn't have to carry. And it's even harder to face what's happened to our children. Just adds more guilt and shame.

Even in good relationships caretakers can feel anger and resentment. You're in a tough position. Some how you need to lighten your load. Make some phone calls and see what there is out there that could offer you some assistance. Even if you could get away for a couple of hours it would help.

I appreciate all of your posts to us. You are a part of our family here.

Many hugs,
MG
 
Old 11-03-2002, 05:48 AM
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JT
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Nana,

You can't go to meetings but that does not mean you cannot begin to find some peace. Your feeling of entrapment is a sign that things are not good inside of you.

Admitting you are powerless over him is the first step for a reason. When accomplished it takes a huge weight off of you. There is a step outline sticky at the top of alanon...it is a site that you can go to and print out about 10 pages of reading on the first step. Go to CIR and search "step 1" and there are several posted readings. Better yet I will go over and bring them to the top for you. Search the boards for 1st step postings.

Read this material and journal about it...you can even do that on your computer.

Come back and share what you have learned...there is a step one for a reason. Tell us what jumps out at you...about YOU not him!

Hugs,
JT
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Old 11-03-2002, 07:43 AM
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Hi nana,

I am very sorry for all of your pain and sadness.

I don't now how old you are but if you are 65 or older then your husband would be eligible for Home Health Care through Medicare if you had a note from your doctor saying that he needs special care that you are unable to provide. This care would be free of charge.

If you qualify financially than you could also get some home health care through Medicaid. Every state spends medicaid money differently so it would depend on your state but you may either be able to get home personal care or respite care. Respite care is someone coming in to your home to care for your husband a couple hours a day so you can get out and do something for yourself, like attend a meeting. Respite care also may be available without having to be income eligible, but it varies state to state.

Call your local Area Agency on Aging and they will give you all of the information you need about these programs as well as the contact numbers. To find your states Area Agency on Aging call The Eldercare Locator, the number is escaping me right now, you can find the number by going to eldercare locator on the internet. They give you every number of Area Agencies on Aging in your area and its title.


I pray that you find some peace in your life

Searching
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Old 11-03-2002, 07:54 AM
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Dearest Nana...

You are worth saving. I wonder if you feel some undeserved guilt over what other people have done to you, and that is why you continue to stay in this difficult relationship. Don't you feel worthy of better? You are.

Perhaps there is a love under the disgust that keeps you there. That's okay. No one here judges you. JT is right, you can work the steps without meetings. I did. It's harder, but you can do it and it helps. Please also think about getting a copy of "codependent no more" if you haven't already. You ARE worthy of feeling better.

Hugs,
Smoke
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Old 11-03-2002, 08:32 AM
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hi nana

Hi nana
I've just read ur post, im so sorry for all the things that u have been and still are going throgh.

But what a fantastic person u are, Your post really touched something in me , and i hope that by writing it all out, it has given u some release. i just feel that i want to put my arms round u and give u a huge hug, i cant do it physically, but i can mentally,

loads of love to u nana, you are a strong WORTHWHILE person,

your in my thought and prayers

spin ))))))))))))))nana((((((((((((((((((
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Old 11-03-2002, 03:20 PM
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i wanted to thank all of you for your sweet replies... you all i tell you what are great people... fantastic and strong..
we are in our middle 40's, he is on disability. he has been scared to death to try to get help or go to a doc because he is so scared that he will lose his benefits after they find out. so i dont know.
he is really sick today. he hasnt left in 2 days, so he is in that crash sleepy mode. he cant wake up. and coughing alot. and it is still a dreary ugly cool day.
i have been dreaming all day of leaving, going to another state, starting over and never looking back. that is the only way i survive. that is weird. i just fantasize all the time. and you know you have to have money to do that,, which when you have an addict in the house that is a rareity. i really dont know if i still love him honestly,,, i have no idea what my feelings are. i mean i am sorry that he is sick, i "care", but love??? i really dont know what the meaning of that word is really. i have never truly, i dont think experienced it. except from my grandkids. now that is true unconditional love. but from a man, no i dont think so. you are not going to believe this, but sometimes i want to pull a good drunk,,,, and i dont drink or smoke or anything, but i just want to pass out.... like in high school. but then i cant take the hang overs.. ha. but oh just to be out of this reality. but then you always have to come back dont you??? it is always there no matter what.. i always just want to go to a motel room too. just go there by myself.. not with anyone. just the room, tv and myself. but i probably woudnt have a computer when i got back...
i am still reading all your posts here and in NA over there, and still relate to everyone and wish i could help everyone. all i can say, is dont waste your life on this addiction, you young ones. dont look back when you are 45 and say ,, gosh what have i done. do what you have to do to have a good life, cause God or your HP does not promise us tomorrow at all... i can preach alot, but i never ever practice it..ha.. STAY STRONG... AND HANG IN THERE..
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Old 11-03-2002, 03:24 PM
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oh and by the way, i just had the biggest guy,, mean looking guy pull up in our driveway, had a limp, car wrecked front and back, knock loud on our door.. asked him if he owed money... he said"he didnt think so"... boy what a life huh?? never know what is going to happen from one minute to the next. of course i didnt answer the door and our cars were in the garage so no one knows we are home.
it all just makes me sick...and monday is coming and the banks are open so here we go again...
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Old 11-03-2002, 05:38 PM
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Nana

Just want to add my hug, and tell you that you are important here. I agree that you could start working the steps from the step study here, and also that you should look into getting some help with home care.

I am sure that there are volunteer groups that may be able to help you too. Please call around and see what you can find.

Your past has been horrifying and tragic, but your future can be brighter. There is always hope and we are here to cheer you on any time.

We love you Nana and care. You are worth whatever it takes to get some help for yourself and your situation.
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Old 11-03-2002, 09:38 PM
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Nana,

I read your posts too and it touched me deeply. You ARE worthy of so much more...Your post reminded me of the color purple..Have you seen the movie? Operah broke free..after all those years with that man. So can you.
I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Sunnie
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Old 11-03-2002, 10:26 PM
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well while ago, about 3 hours ago, (he has been in bed all day i thought crashing cause hadnt had anything for 2 days) he got up and fell to the ground holding his chest. i was talking to my sister in law and told her to hold on and went running in there. it scared the hell out of me,, i asked him if he wanted to go to er, i went ahead and went and got gas in the car cause we live in a small town and no way would they know what to do. now he wont go, he is back in bed. he has a horrible cough,, so i dont know if he has lung problems, his osteo is back, his heart,, with addicts and chronic pain, there could be so so much. but you know what, i nearly started crying... what does that mean...
i am so scared... really scared.... what if he is dying....i am so so scared... it is all and has always been on me to help him,,, to get his docs appts. everything.. now i am in either a GERD flare or a Ms flare,,, i felt sick and nauseated,,, and now burping alot and in alot of pain in chest and back and mid back....
will you all pray for me and him tonight and when you read this..
thank you..
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Old 11-03-2002, 10:44 PM
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(((((((((nana)))))))))


Oh Nana my heart just breaks when I read your posts. I wish there was something I could do for you right now but all I can do is say I'm here for you. I'll stay here on the board if you want to vent. I wish I knew the magic words to make you feel better.

You asked a very interesting question, one that I have pondered myself. You asked why you cried about the possibility of your husband not being there and being scared of that. I often think if I will feel that way too if I left, or he left. I think when you spend every waking second thinking and worrying about, and being mad at someone they sort of become all that you are and when they're not there, who are you???

It's very scary for me, that's why alanon is helping me so much. It's replacing a lot of my thoughts of him and the despair to me and the possibilities, one day at a time.

I will pray for you, that you'll both get through this.

45 is very young, you have half your life in front of you!!!!!!!!!

hugs,

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Old 11-04-2002, 12:07 AM
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Nana,

I don't know why these guys are so darn hard headed. If you think it's serious then call the paramedics. I know he will refuse to go with them, but at least they can check his vitals and if there is something wrong tell him. I think they even have portable ekg's.

If I were in your position I don't know what I'd do. I know there are a lot of support groups for caregivers. I'll see what I can find for you and post a link. You are a caregiver even if he is an A.

I will pray for both of you. I can imagine how afraid you are right now. That's very very stressful.

We're all here for you.

Hugs,
MG
 
Old 11-04-2002, 12:31 AM
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Nana,
I agree with M.G.-call the paramedics,
they do have the equipment. I had to
call for my father one time years ago,
and they hooked him up right then and
there. Do this for you, and if there
is something wrong-they will take him
to the hospital-even better for you, and
maybe he will get the treatment that he
needs.
My prayers are with you.

Hugs,
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Old 11-04-2002, 08:11 AM
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(((((nana)))))

Nana, your post also touched me. I remember being there....the A so sick he hadn't been up or alert in over a week. Me, unshowered and unmotivated in such a panic I couldn't act. I used to dream about being able to drink the way he did...be able to leave the situation..."check out" as he called it. I just couldn't do it....I was never cut out to be an addict, luckily. The hopelessness can be overwhelming.

I agree with the ladies before me....call the paramedics and have them check him out and make sure he is not in crisis. You don't need to have that worry on top of everything else you are already dealing with.

I am praying for you...Even if you decide not to change your circumstances, you can work towards changing your mindset. You are worthwhile and you need to start believing that!!
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Old 11-04-2002, 09:20 AM
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((((Nana))))

My heart goes out to you. You are definitely one strong lady! I agree with everyone else here. Call the paramedics, they can help, or at the very least assess the situation so you can know exactly what is going on, and what you are dealing with. I think our mind can make things bigger or worse maybe than what they are. When we get the facts, we can deal with things better. What would it hurt? Maybe doing this, this little action, will help get you some resources you need. You are so young yet! One tiny step can start the ball rolling to break the cycle. Please take care of yourself - you are the only one who can do this right now.

I am praying for you
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Old 11-06-2002, 03:06 PM
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((((nana))))

I too would call the paramedics - let them take check him out. Maybe they will even look at taking him in as a 51-50 (danger to himself or someone else) as they did with my A...

I am so sorry for all of your hurts and pains and like most of the others have said, I will be here to listen to you.

God Bless!
Red
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Old 11-06-2002, 05:19 PM
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I was touched by your post also. This disease is so powerful and its impact tremendous. But you CAN overcome its effects on you. Detachment is so important for us in Al-Anon. We do what we can, and then LET GO. If it is a medical crisis, the medical team can help. God can only help a spiritual condition. And what all of us have with this disease is a need for spirituality. I won't go into all this as I don't want to seem like a religious quack, but when I released my A's problems to him and God, I can't tell you the relief I felt.

I will pray for you and your husband. That you find peace and direction.....
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Old 11-06-2002, 10:00 PM
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well it has been a pretty awful week... i have been calling docs and docs and finally got one to see him for this what we think is his osteomylitis returning. we went through this in 93 and he lost most of his left clavicle to it,, and now it is red and swollen, he has been running fever and chills and sweats.. which i have also seen in withdrawals. but i know when he was sick before this was all his symptoms and his sweat stunk bad, i mean bad......
and now it is too, like vinager... i have washed his bedding so many times this week. he is in alot of pain. i cant tell you about his habit this week. i know he has barely spent anymoney and he swears he hasnt done anything because of going to the doc, but he has lied to me so much i dont know. i am just trying to go with the flow right now. i am just really really scard and i feel real sick to my stomach and feel nauseated and dizzy and just not rightin the head.. i cant handle this stress like i used to. i used to real well... i was like a rock. i am sort of beat down now. in fact i told him i may chicken out when they call his name to go back there. i think i just want to sit in the waiting room and wait. i dont want to be there when they see his arms, when they ask him questions... so on so forth. i know he will lie, but his arms wont lie and doctors arent dumb. i watched the osbournes tonight with barbara walters, and sharon sort of made me understand why i have stayed with my A all this time. she accepts him and loves him. but you can also tell he loves the heck out of her... you can so much tell. of course i was raised on black sabbath and always likes the way he sings, but the interview enlightened me a little.it made me sort of understand me......she loves him thgough all what he has done to her and to himself.......its weird. she called it demons and little voices and how he has been fighing it always. anyways it was enlightening.
yeah my whole whole life has been centered around my A, his illnesses besides the addiction, everything else i have been through, so here we go tomorrow to fix something , a disease he could have avoided if he would have quit a long time ago, all the infections and cellulitis in his arms finally i guess settled back in where it was before. so think of us tomorrow,,,, and friday...

but i did want to tell you all how FANTASTIC all of you are and supportive,,,, that is why i came here. YOU ARE MY FRIENDS, MY TRUE FRIENDS..... I LOVE ALL OF YOU.. HANG IN THERE TO ALL OF YOU CAUSE I HAVE REALLY BEEN READING SOME SAD POSTS LATELY.. REMEMBER YOU ARE ALL STRONG PEOPLE AND WE ARE GOING TO MAKE IT......LOVE YA
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Old 11-06-2002, 10:20 PM
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Nana,

We love you too. I will be praying for you both. If he should have to go into the hospital then you should get some rest while he is there. Stress will shut you down if you don't take care of yourself. Let the hospital take care of him and you take care of yourself. I'm really sorry you have to go through all of this.

I pray that God gives you strength.

Hugs,
MG

Last edited by Morning Glory; 11-06-2002 at 10:36 PM.
 

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