Aaand she's down again
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Home
Posts: 338
Aaand she's down again
Well, here I am back down again, BAM like a bolt of lightning. I was just here I don't know a week, 2 weeks ago? I was ok when I woke up today but now, I'm so far down I can't get myself out of it. I didn't even go to my meeting tonight. I live for this meeting I look forward to it all week it's so much a part of my support line. But I couldn't drag myself out this time.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: uk
Posts: 3,054
Originally Posted by cloudy
Well, here I am back down again, BAM like a bolt of lightning. I was just here I don't know a week, 2 weeks ago? I was ok when I woke up today but now, I'm so far down I can't get myself out of it. I didn't even go to my meeting tonight. I live for this meeting I look forward to it all week it's so much a part of my support line. But I couldn't drag myself out this time.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Anaheim,CA
Posts: 549
Here's hoping that tomorrow will be less cloudy. 
It may sound like a basic Q but are you sure you're taking care of yourself? Eating well? Taking a few breaks to just relax and be? Sometimes we forget the basics when we're dealing with issues.
((((cloudy))))
It may sound like a basic Q but are you sure you're taking care of yourself? Eating well? Taking a few breaks to just relax and be? Sometimes we forget the basics when we're dealing with issues.
((((cloudy))))
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Home
Posts: 338
Dakoda, Equus, WTL, thank you so much.
Dakota that was so sweet of you to turn that song to something to help me out, especially due to the fact that song brings some sad feelings to you...I hope you get some kind of extra special blessing in your day for that, thank you so much. And thank you for your thoughts and ideas on the subject. I really liked what you had to say.
Equus, thank you for reminding me it will pass. I wish once it passed it would stay gone and not come back. Ah well, process...and process....and process...is just the way it is I guess. Sure am thankful for support, that's for sure.
WTL, thank you, I guess I'm taking care, though it does all seem so barricaded in a sense so limited at times..I go to work, I eat, I come here, I go to meetings I take my dog on a drive and walk and that ends up being my alone time, my think time..I gotta say my cat and dog really make such a difference in my life. If I hadn't been able to keep them with me that'd be it. In the next week or two I am going to take another 2-3 days off work. Sometimes it seems like there just isn't enough time in the world to work through all this stuff and organize my thoughts, readings, plans of action all that. Then sometimes I start to daydream about what I want to be doing which is be back home by myself and listening to music and fixing the place up, having people over....actually getting to enjoy all of the house....in peace...moving on with my life...taking back what's rightfully mine....I gotta come up with some interruption for that because it ends up being outright torture since I don't know if I'll ever get to go home again. Thinking of fixing up some other place and being there isn't helping either. I guess with however I can I'm caring for myself...but I do feel like there is so much more I want to be doing. But when I think of what that is, it takes me out of the solution I guess. So, still working on it I suppose. Very thankful for my babies that's for sure though.
I guess too I'm back wrestling with the whole "it's not about love" issue. Said it before I'll say it again my brothers an addict and he hasn't crapped all over me....so I'm feeling a bit erked by the whole idea of "they know not what they do" I mean I understand ok I can't say if you loved me you wouldn't drink or use...I get that...but why can't I say ok if you loved me you wouldn't crap all over me and be a selfish jerk.
And plus it just hurts you know, to feel so unloved now...ugh.
So these are pretty much the same issues that keep coming back around...will they slowly widdle away each time or are they still the same size I can't tell it's like they just change forms but still stay big.....
And sometimes I just feel like either such a "McFly" like helloooo why did you put up with certain things....why did it take you so long....? Sometimes I feel torn between either a total dumb idiot vs pessimist to an idealist vs. total dumb idiot...if that makes any sense...
I've had some days where I'm good you know, and I've had people tell me wow you're doing good....but right now....I'm not...and right now I feel like those times I seemed good...were they even real? Or am I just faking it till I make it I don't know....sometimes I am just forcing myself to look at the bright side of things....sometimes I do so good....sometimes, I don't. Well, I will keep trying I guess, can't give up. Won't give up.
thanks again you all
Dakota that was so sweet of you to turn that song to something to help me out, especially due to the fact that song brings some sad feelings to you...I hope you get some kind of extra special blessing in your day for that, thank you so much. And thank you for your thoughts and ideas on the subject. I really liked what you had to say.
Equus, thank you for reminding me it will pass. I wish once it passed it would stay gone and not come back. Ah well, process...and process....and process...is just the way it is I guess. Sure am thankful for support, that's for sure.
WTL, thank you, I guess I'm taking care, though it does all seem so barricaded in a sense so limited at times..I go to work, I eat, I come here, I go to meetings I take my dog on a drive and walk and that ends up being my alone time, my think time..I gotta say my cat and dog really make such a difference in my life. If I hadn't been able to keep them with me that'd be it. In the next week or two I am going to take another 2-3 days off work. Sometimes it seems like there just isn't enough time in the world to work through all this stuff and organize my thoughts, readings, plans of action all that. Then sometimes I start to daydream about what I want to be doing which is be back home by myself and listening to music and fixing the place up, having people over....actually getting to enjoy all of the house....in peace...moving on with my life...taking back what's rightfully mine....I gotta come up with some interruption for that because it ends up being outright torture since I don't know if I'll ever get to go home again. Thinking of fixing up some other place and being there isn't helping either. I guess with however I can I'm caring for myself...but I do feel like there is so much more I want to be doing. But when I think of what that is, it takes me out of the solution I guess. So, still working on it I suppose. Very thankful for my babies that's for sure though.
I guess too I'm back wrestling with the whole "it's not about love" issue. Said it before I'll say it again my brothers an addict and he hasn't crapped all over me....so I'm feeling a bit erked by the whole idea of "they know not what they do" I mean I understand ok I can't say if you loved me you wouldn't drink or use...I get that...but why can't I say ok if you loved me you wouldn't crap all over me and be a selfish jerk.
And plus it just hurts you know, to feel so unloved now...ugh.
So these are pretty much the same issues that keep coming back around...will they slowly widdle away each time or are they still the same size I can't tell it's like they just change forms but still stay big.....
And sometimes I just feel like either such a "McFly" like helloooo why did you put up with certain things....why did it take you so long....? Sometimes I feel torn between either a total dumb idiot vs pessimist to an idealist vs. total dumb idiot...if that makes any sense...
I've had some days where I'm good you know, and I've had people tell me wow you're doing good....but right now....I'm not...and right now I feel like those times I seemed good...were they even real? Or am I just faking it till I make it I don't know....sometimes I am just forcing myself to look at the bright side of things....sometimes I do so good....sometimes, I don't. Well, I will keep trying I guess, can't give up. Won't give up.
thanks again you all
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: uk
Posts: 3,054
I don't know if this will help at all but I try really hard to base my self esteem on my actions rather than on the actions of others. I decide what is and isn't lovable in a person and I try to act in a way I find lovable. Going back to my teenage years the way my parents treated me determined whether I was lovable - HUGE mistake, but on the upside I learned from it.
Trying to (and forgiving myself for imperfections - lots of 'em) be what I think is lovable has been how I've learned to love myself.
Trying to (and forgiving myself for imperfections - lots of 'em) be what I think is lovable has been how I've learned to love myself.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
Miss Cloudy...I've learned a thing or two about choices.
I'll share that with you.
We choose what we let into our lives.
We choose to let in the darkness, or we choose to let in the light.
We choose to believe in one or the other.
Sometimes it feels really dark and you have to work at finding your light.
But it's always there.
It's up to you to find it, and bring it back into your life.
So you go find yours...okay?
I know you can do it.
I'll share that with you.
We choose what we let into our lives.
We choose to let in the darkness, or we choose to let in the light.
We choose to believe in one or the other.
Sometimes it feels really dark and you have to work at finding your light.
But it's always there.
It's up to you to find it, and bring it back into your life.
So you go find yours...okay?
I know you can do it.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Arizona
Posts: 928
Wow I so needed to read this post this morning..This is day 2 of me waking up in fear and funk..Feeling really unlovable and scared..Dating this fantastic new guy and I'm afraid if he figures out I'm not fun all the time, he'll run away screaming..of course then I'd just have to chase him and tackle him to the ground..
I can create chaos in my own head..don't need anyone's help..
Just feeling overwhelmed and sad as hell about my exABF..I was talking to a gf last night and part of it is - now that I'm dating this new guy, I am truly moving on and letting go of my ex..Sign..
I think I'm just nuts..
I know I'm feeling unlovable.
Thanks everyone for posting.
Minx
I can create chaos in my own head..don't need anyone's help..
Just feeling overwhelmed and sad as hell about my exABF..I was talking to a gf last night and part of it is - now that I'm dating this new guy, I am truly moving on and letting go of my ex..Sign..
I think I'm just nuts..
I know I'm feeling unlovable.
Thanks everyone for posting.
Minx
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Where the sun always shines!
Posts: 1,625
I was in this spot for a week. Felt down but didn't know what my problem was. It was feel sorry for Jessie week. All I wanted was sympathy and someone to tell me I was doing things the right way....that every I did wasn't wrong.
Then, I talked to a very good friend of mine. He listened and talked and let me share. I started crying. That felt so good. Its amazing what I realized when I began clearing my head. And I figured out why I was so down. It was basically due to a "really good" feelling I had buried deep down inside of me, because I wouldn't allow myself to feel it. A feeling only a few people in my life would understand. I don't ever want to bury that feeling again.
We are hear for you cloudy....you've got so much strength inside you.
Then, I talked to a very good friend of mine. He listened and talked and let me share. I started crying. That felt so good. Its amazing what I realized when I began clearing my head. And I figured out why I was so down. It was basically due to a "really good" feelling I had buried deep down inside of me, because I wouldn't allow myself to feel it. A feeling only a few people in my life would understand. I don't ever want to bury that feeling again.
We are hear for you cloudy....you've got so much strength inside you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Home
Posts: 338
thank you Jessica...I am glad you got to talk it out with your friend. I think that is so important. Getting to talk it out and it being ok you know? You have strength too :- ) thank you for your message
Gabe and Minx our posts must have crossed while I was responding to Equus. I just now saw what you wrote. thank you.
Gabe, I agree with what you said somewhat...perception is what I call it. I love the subject of perception. However I feel that "darkness" can come into your life whether you "let" it in or not. I also feel it important to know it's ok to feel down and to express it. But I get what you're saying and appreciate the intention with which you say it :- ) That's what I was talking about in that confusing paragraph I wrote up there somewhere...I guess what I mean is well, what it boils down to...I don't want to lose my "Pollyanna" self who believes in all the old fashioned kind of stuff...things that seem like just a pipedream to so much of the world...things I thought I had found with "him" that are now being challenged....however I don't want to be a "McFly" either...and certainly not a "Scrooge" ...struggling to find that balance is one of the things going on.
I love this that you wrote though, and you are right.
{Gabe wrote}Sometimes it feels really dark and you have to work at finding your light. But it's always there. It's up to you to find it, and bring it back into your life. So you go find yours...okay? I know you can do it.
thank you, I like that and it's true...and on days like this when they hit, oh yeah it is hard to find...but it's true what you wrote and I appreciate that important reminder.
Minx...I hope you feel better soon...you know what, nobody can be "fun" "all the time"...you be you. I know I have some great thing to say to this but I've got writers block. I am going to think about it some more. Because it's important - I understand what you are saying.
Gabe and Minx our posts must have crossed while I was responding to Equus. I just now saw what you wrote. thank you.
Gabe, I agree with what you said somewhat...perception is what I call it. I love the subject of perception. However I feel that "darkness" can come into your life whether you "let" it in or not. I also feel it important to know it's ok to feel down and to express it. But I get what you're saying and appreciate the intention with which you say it :- ) That's what I was talking about in that confusing paragraph I wrote up there somewhere...I guess what I mean is well, what it boils down to...I don't want to lose my "Pollyanna" self who believes in all the old fashioned kind of stuff...things that seem like just a pipedream to so much of the world...things I thought I had found with "him" that are now being challenged....however I don't want to be a "McFly" either...and certainly not a "Scrooge" ...struggling to find that balance is one of the things going on.
I love this that you wrote though, and you are right.
{Gabe wrote}Sometimes it feels really dark and you have to work at finding your light. But it's always there. It's up to you to find it, and bring it back into your life. So you go find yours...okay? I know you can do it.
thank you, I like that and it's true...and on days like this when they hit, oh yeah it is hard to find...but it's true what you wrote and I appreciate that important reminder.
Minx...I hope you feel better soon...you know what, nobody can be "fun" "all the time"...you be you. I know I have some great thing to say to this but I've got writers block. I am going to think about it some more. Because it's important - I understand what you are saying.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Arizona
Posts: 928
I'm feeling better today..
Went to my meetings. Did some more thinking and so much of what I am struggling with is trust..Trust in my higher power, trust in myself that I can get through more stress, confusion and fear. Trust in my new guy..
My new guy is wonderful..I opened up to him on my fears and he didn't run away screaming..he already figured out (because I've told him a little about the other abusive relationships) some of my fears and reassured me that he wasn't going anywhere..His actions are consistant so I can slowly let down my guard and bring the wall down brick by brick..
Went to my meetings. Did some more thinking and so much of what I am struggling with is trust..Trust in my higher power, trust in myself that I can get through more stress, confusion and fear. Trust in my new guy..
My new guy is wonderful..I opened up to him on my fears and he didn't run away screaming..he already figured out (because I've told him a little about the other abusive relationships) some of my fears and reassured me that he wasn't going anywhere..His actions are consistant so I can slowly let down my guard and bring the wall down brick by brick..
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
