walkingtheline

This morning I got a call.

Guy introduced himself and said he was the ex ABFs sponsor. Said he had a question but would hang up if I requested it. I told him to go ahead.

He basically said, your ex is working the steps and is now attempting to address his need to make amends. He had written me a letter, but to send it or contact me would be a violation of the restraining order. So sponsor-guy says, would you like to have the letter or would it be more harmful for you?

I thought about it. And honestly, I would appreciate an apology. So it was agreed that the sponsor would drop it at the front office and leave the envelope.

I went and got it. It minimizes everything.

Here's a quote: You said I yelled at you when I was drinking. I don't think I did but if I did I am sorry. #&*)(+! IF he did????? I recorded him. I replayed the recordings to him. Neighbors used to check on me.

But, it got worse. For those who are not familar with what happened, here's my post of the big bang. The post is here

From his letter: Just because on one night when I was very drunk I had one little indescretion I don't think you should have been so harsh. We could have fixed things. But if you feel harmed I am sorry.

LITTLE INDESCRETION????
IF YOU FEEL HARMED????

I have been given a contact number for the sponsor should I wish to respond. I WANT to rip his head off! But I am trying to remain calm.

Should I respond? Should I just ignore it? HELP!!!!! I am drowning in anger.
IMHO this is not amends...this is an attempt-again-to minimize my feelings!

DanaNicole29

Depending on how much you want the apology, you can either ignore it or tell his sponsor that it was not in fact an apology or an amend for that matter and what ever else you wanna add... (it seems to me he needs to do some more research on WHAT an amend IS exactly because THAT was not it)
But regardless, for the benifit of the doubt, he may really WANT to make a sincere apology and honestly thought that was it...I have yet to make my amends because I need to clear my resentments first so I can avoid switching blame...
hope i helped...take care

historyteach

I hear your hurt. And I'm very sorry.
Is it possible for you to objectify the addiction and differenciate it from the person that you once loved?
I'm just kind of wondering what you want here.
Do you want to be right? Or do you want serenity in your life?
Believe me, I hear you, and I am truely very sorry for your pain.
So, what are you willing to do to get over it?
I hope this helps....
Shalom!

Minx1969

Well..first of all you need to remember that the amends are not really for us..It is his program and recovery that he is working..

Also an amends is not an apology it is (for today) what he can identify as his part and attempt to correct it..

IMHO I'm sorry you even received it because it doesn't appear that he has enough recovery or clarity yet to really even understand what he did..

So let me ask you this: what would you gain from responding? If he didn't give you what you were looking for in this amends, will confronting him change anything? How long has he been sober?

You need to think about how much pain you want to cause yourself. Will confronting him or talking to the sponsor help you in any way or cause more pain?

I'm really sorry you had to go through this..

Big Hug,

Minx

splendra

I am wondering if it would not be better to try and detach from him and his amends. He sounds like he is still a jerk to me...

Blue2085

He called that AMENDS ?

Just like Dana's response...I think he really needs to reread the chapter on amends.

That was pretty darn pathetic!

I feel I have the right to say that..I happen to be the addict in my marrige and making amends w/my husband will never be a finished project.

Also, I'm still waiting for my ex-alkie husband to add me to him amends! Ha that'll never happen.

You are definatly justified in wanting to rip his head off. If I knew him I'd kick him in the you know what for you.

walkingtheline

I'm done with him.

But I did once, very deeply, love him. It would have warmed my heart to know he "gets it".

Odd...amends are following me lately. It was the subject at a meeting last night. Then, I turned on West Wing rerun, and lo and behold, it was an episode about Leo's alcoholism and it's effect on others. After that, I get an email from a friend who had just returned from Boston. Who was his seat partner on the plane? Joan Kennedy's personal assistant. (the alcoholic ex-wife of Senator Kennedy) Then, this call and letter. I'm hearing the song "God's Trying to Tell You Something" in my head. Now, if I could just figure out the message.

The good news is, I do not want the ex back. I don't long for him. I honestly don't miss him, at least not the him who lived with me the last two years. I suspect the "early" him was a front...to suck me in. I believe his "goodness" in those early days was simply his act...one that he couldn't sustain over time.

If he thinks this letter was amends, he's sorely mistaken. Is it worth telling him/his sponsor? Damned if I know.

Minx1969

Chances are if his sponsor is any good, he already knows..He should have talked it through with his sponsor..

But this may be as much as he is capable of today..which doesn't sound like he gets it that much..

FormerDoormat

I think God's message is loud and clear: accept the apology and move forward with your life.

Blue2085

I would call his sponsor(in a calm matter) and tell him how it made you feel.

How is this program supposed to help him if he's REALLY not putting any effort into it and being HONEST ?

sunshinebluesky

i agree---sounds like he isnt far enough along in his recovery, still doesnt comprehend things........................and he may never........how sad is that?
if you do or say anything,i would say it to the sponser only---ask him if HE read it, and that it seems he is still in denial about alot of things and has a long way to go.

Cap3

He is now attempting to address HIS need to make amend.And this is ,what amends is all about, HIS recovery."His need to do this".Not whether its accepted or not..its a bonus if another accepts my amends,and i sure would want this from others.But this is not what amends are for.Its for my recovery,only..How can i judge anothers amends to me?Who am i to judge this?We all do the best that we can,even if it doesnt look like it,to others..Given our lives,our mental state.he is trying.He is learning.I don't even know why his sponsor would ask for your response,or whether you want to respond.its not about you.Sorry if im sounding rude here.its about his recovery and him doing the do things,for his recovery,so that he can get better.its your choice to accept or not.

Soul Catcher

I heard the question asked "what do you want from this?".. I know I know. You want him to feel your pain. You want the words to be that he KNOWS he did it! Not if you "think" he did that. He is still not taking the blame. I have drank thousands of times and I remember everything I said to people, might be bits and peices but I know if I was being a jerk or not. We feel like "omg, do you know what I had to put up with for you?" The sad part is HOW many times have you TOLD him exactly how you felt? He's heard it before...he is not ready to accept that it was his fault or the alcohol that caused you to feel this way. SOunds like he's still putting it on you. I personally would respond but I tend to put it all out there because I am the one that I have to live with in the end and to make me happy I would have to get a red pen and put my feelings. To make amends to me is to have someone forgive you. How can you fully forgive if you don't feel the apology is correct. Sorry but I would have to set him straight and leave it with a "I wish you the best" I have been through a bunch with my AH and I can not forgive him or forget. God can judge him not me but my heart will not let go of the things he has done to me. I don't let it bother me everyday nor does it make my life hell. I just left it all in Gods hands. I'm human, and the only thing my ah's words and "sorry's" have done is make me stronger and I don't even acknowledge to him that he's worth caring about. Let them do what they can t o make themselves feel better and we do what we have to do to make us feel better. In the end, like I said...we have to live with ourselves and our thoughts. Good luck!

nocellphone

I would suggest letting it go. Got a shredder?

Calling his sponsor would be involving yourself in something you've worked too hard to be detached from.

How (or if) my loved ones work a program is not my business.

If nothing else, at least you've seen what some really sub-standard amends look like. What a great guide to go by when making amends of your own, should you ever need to!

equus

I think what you really feel and what you say should be the same thing - not for his sake but for your own self respect.

If you can accept that apology genuinely and move on I think that would be best BUT if (sorry for sloppy language) in your heart you know you cannot accept it, I don't think you should feel one thing and say another.

Most of all you don't sound like you want to stay wrapped up in this at all (VERY understandable). Why not contact the sponsor and only say what no-one can argue with? No-one can argue with the letter leaving you feeling hurt and angry, I don't mean to blame the letter, just to say honestly those were the feelings it left you with. No-one could argue that you hope one day he does understand why but that he will have to do that alone because you want out of the process.

I wouldn't try to correct his view of things with his sponsor - leave him with his own lies, I wouldn't try to explain or defend your position because you don't have to, no-one has to be repeatedly hurt, we are all allowed to exit something painful.

Ok - nice stuff done, I read the big bang post as well, that's not just alcoholism - just in my opinion that's one very unpleasant man. He wasn't so drunk he didn't think and talk about the law, he wasn't so drunk he couldn't decide he thought he was strong enough to just 'take' (yeah right - he picked the wrong girl! ), the way things got worded show a streak of sadism, and one hell of a hunger for violent power. In your shoes I would feel no desire at all to help him in his programme.

Girlfriend

I'm going through the same thing you are,walkingtheline. The written letter of making ammends and a personal inventory of his "wrongs". He's (my xabf) got alot to write and one is to me. I'm not sure I'm ready for that.

But, I guess when the AA counselor asks us if we want to read it or not, we take that chance of not reading what we want.

I don't think that was a very good "making ammends" letter. He was still making excuses and placing blame, sounds like. Not taking full responsibility for his actions. He may be trying......and that's a plus, but making ammends is either saying your sorry for your past behavior.........or, not. You can't be in the middle saying "I'm sorry, but it wasn't that big of a deal......" and/or "I'm sorry, but you were the one.........." That's not taking full responsibility.

My ex husband wasn't an A, but he was very physically/verbally abusive to me for 8 years. I was married to him from 16-24. We had two beautiful children together. I FINALLY was able to leave him when the kids were still young and my youngest doesn't remember the violence. My son does in bits and pieces. He was a good Dad to them, but an awful husband. He'd lie for so many years about how he abused me. The kids didn't remember and nobody else in his family saw him abuse me, so he thought he could get away with the lie.

He never acknowledged it for eighteen years!! I was SO destroyed by this "man" who took away my self worth and freedom (would never let me go anywhere. Watched over me 24/7/365 like "sleeping with the enemy" kinda freaky stuff) and worked SO hard to get that back and it took years and all that time he would tell people "she's a liar. I never hit her! I never treated her badly".

My family knew differently. They saw the dramatic change in me from self confident to so withdrawn and scared. My friends saw the black eyes even though back then, I'd lie to cover them up. By him not even admitting that he did any of that was like continuing the abuse over and over.

FINALLY, 18 years later, (two years ago), he admitted the truth to his family, our children and apologized to me wholeheartedly. I never thought I'd hear that from him, but my prayers were answered. I was able to forgive him and am SO glad that I did for myself and my children. We're "friendly" with each other now, we speak when we see each other in public and that makes my kids feel SO much better. And, me,too.

I hope for his sake and your's that he can finally humble himself enough to own up to what he's done. Because until we can become humble and admit our wrongs to others 100%, not just half way, we'll never heal.

Good luck in whatever you decide.

(((hugs)))

DanaNicole29

Hey GIRLFRIEND
I just wanted to let you know I LOVE YOUR SIGNATURE QUOTE!!!! I AM GOING TO MEMORIZE THAT and keep it with me!!
Thanks so much!!

laurie6781

We in the recovery process using a 12 step program all grow and change at different rates.

We slowly peel away the layers of the onion to get the core of our being.

Not knowing how long he has been sober, but at least he is working with a sponsor, this may be the best he is capable of at this time.

I know for myself, in my 24 years of sobriety I have done 5 4th and 5th steps and 5 amends list, having to redo some amends as I became clearer in my recovery.

The fact that he even attempted an amends is a start!!!

Accept it for what is was, the best he is able to do right now.

I'm sure his sponsor is more aware of where he is at than you are.

Let it go, and Let God handle it.

He is your ex and it may be many years before he realizes the true extent of his harm to you. Give him to God, and get on with today.

JMHO

Love and (((((to all))))),

walkingtheline

I thank you all. I love that we can all express ourselves...some agree, some disagree but all come from hard learned lessons and personal truths. It's the genuineness (it may not be a real word but I know you'll understand ) that makes this forum so special.

I took a long walk tonight...then had dinner with a friend and kind of left this on the back burner. Finally around 8:30 I called the number the sponsor guy left. I told him I made a mistake. I was calm but explained I really don't want any contact from my ex or anyone representing him. From here on out, there will be no acceptable breach of the RO and any further contact I would regard as something to report as a violation. He said he understood and would pass this along to the XBF.

I think it confirmed for me he NEVER was what I thought. I'll sleep well tonight. Had I not had this forum to ask and to receive such insightful replies, this might have drug on for a week. Each of you helped me "get" the message. Thanks everyone, you did GOOD!

wraybear

Making amends??????
Boy, if this is a making amends letter, the world is in a _ _ _ _ load of trouble.
Making amends means you are truly sorry for the pain you have caused and the wrongs you have done. And then, showing amends by your actions.

I think you should give the letter back to his sponsor so his sponsor can really truly see where your X's head is located and how much work they have to do.

Geez, I can't BELIEVE YOUR X THOUGHT THIS WAS MAKING AMENDS??!?!? The insanity of addiction is that... truly insane.

And yes, detach from him sounds like a great idea. He is obviously not at the place yet where he can make a true amends, because he may still be too sick. Hopefully, that will change with time.

Take care.