Confusion: and the A and his program
Fantastic Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Chicago, Illinois
Posts: 176
Confusion: and the A and his program
Hi everyone....
I am having a real problem deceiding just how much I want to be helping out my A during his recovery. Frankly he is getting on my nerves. You know...the person who just found a light bulb and figured out you have to screw it in to turn it on...has emerged! Perhaps it is the change...he is diffreernt..but I can hardly beleieve he is REALLY sincere..we have never been down this higway but we have been down a back road before with failure 100%
He calls me every night after his OP sessions...to chat about them. He is telling ME to let go of my anger...I AMMMMMMMMMMM angry at him...his behavior caused me a great deal of pain over a long period of time. It's like I said...he has found the light bulb nd the socket and good lord this is all I am hearing. UGHHHHHHHHHH
This man was just a hairs breath and a prayer away from me divorcing him, and God stepped in to save his (*&^% with a seizure. He is lucky to be in rehab. But am I REALLY that wrong to feel anger? He did more than just drink...much verbal abuse and neglect.
I keep telling him not to count on getting back together......
I don't know how to handle him. I want him to recover...but I am just not up to being his 100% support. I am afraid if I don't he wil slip, as I went to his meeting and was praised by all for being such a good support to him.
Also, it made me nervous to be in the group sessions, it brought up all the bad stuff AGAIN...I am sick of the bad...he says you HAVE to feel bad to feel better. Hell I have felt bad...real bad...I have spent hours with personal counselling...he has not.
INSANITY!
vent vent!
Love Kitty
I am having a real problem deceiding just how much I want to be helping out my A during his recovery. Frankly he is getting on my nerves. You know...the person who just found a light bulb and figured out you have to screw it in to turn it on...has emerged! Perhaps it is the change...he is diffreernt..but I can hardly beleieve he is REALLY sincere..we have never been down this higway but we have been down a back road before with failure 100%
He calls me every night after his OP sessions...to chat about them. He is telling ME to let go of my anger...I AMMMMMMMMMMM angry at him...his behavior caused me a great deal of pain over a long period of time. It's like I said...he has found the light bulb nd the socket and good lord this is all I am hearing. UGHHHHHHHHHH
This man was just a hairs breath and a prayer away from me divorcing him, and God stepped in to save his (*&^% with a seizure. He is lucky to be in rehab. But am I REALLY that wrong to feel anger? He did more than just drink...much verbal abuse and neglect.
I keep telling him not to count on getting back together......
I don't know how to handle him. I want him to recover...but I am just not up to being his 100% support. I am afraid if I don't he wil slip, as I went to his meeting and was praised by all for being such a good support to him.
Also, it made me nervous to be in the group sessions, it brought up all the bad stuff AGAIN...I am sick of the bad...he says you HAVE to feel bad to feel better. Hell I have felt bad...real bad...I have spent hours with personal counselling...he has not.
INSANITY!
vent vent!
Love Kitty
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Posts: n/a
Kitty,
I am not an expert, but I think you could keep your recovery separate. This seems like codependent recovery to me.
I went to visit my son in rehab on off times. We had fast food and played cards. I went to a couple of meetings with him, but I let him do the serious stuff alone.
I don't think you guys can even begin to work on relationship problems until he has some recovery. I think the focus for you should be on you, not him. He should be focusing on himself, not you. I really enjoyed visiting my son and just doing nonrecovery things like eat.
Don't burden yourself with this if you can help it. Leave his to him.
Hugs,
MG
I am not an expert, but I think you could keep your recovery separate. This seems like codependent recovery to me.
I went to visit my son in rehab on off times. We had fast food and played cards. I went to a couple of meetings with him, but I let him do the serious stuff alone.I don't think you guys can even begin to work on relationship problems until he has some recovery. I think the focus for you should be on you, not him. He should be focusing on himself, not you. I really enjoyed visiting my son and just doing nonrecovery things like eat.
Don't burden yourself with this if you can help it. Leave his to him.
Hugs,
MG
Member
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: upstate, ny
Posts: 135
hi kitty,
ialmost didn't attend my husband's family part of rehab(inpatient), i did eventually go and with a real conflict of emotions. i had been pushed to the limit og insanity with his prior to rehab binges. i was ready to just walk away after 16 years of family living. he didn't get to rehab for24 hours after he left home. just 1 more bar and 1 more joint and 1 more line. the first few days he was gone from home the tension was gone and i was grateful.those days away from him made me think that just maybe i didn't need to be with him anymore. maybe i didn't love him anymore. i did go to family 2 days and i was glad and he was a jerk the first week on the phone to me and by the time i arrived for family days(((with all my armor on) he was the man who was going to save the world in rehab. he said the nicest things to me and it broke me down to giving him 1 more chance,skeptically of course. in rehab he was leading groups and greeting newcomers and in the warm comfortable haze of rehab. today is 30 days since i went to family days at rehab. he's been back to reality and his job and the day to day real life stresses and crisis that never go away. he has been to 2 aa meetings in 3 weeks, and told me that he "doesn't buy into the 12 step program really" oh well!! the only people that buy into the 12 step programs i've noticed are the ones that have exhausted all their other options and really need help!! like me and a lot of other real nice people trying to survive the chaos. i have grown alot in these 30 days [ersonally and made a few attempts daily to improve my own life outside of him. i believe i do still love him, just not enough to sacrifice myself and my children up to drugs and booze anymore. i do believe that he has the right to be i real man and make his choices about what he wants from life and i also do. i'm trying to find some respect within myself and demand some from him after many years of trying to help him. he didn't want my help then and i believe that he needs to find his own way. he said he had a clean drug screen last mon. for the 1st time in 18 years. he offers nothing and does not talk about his aftercare rehab groups and i've decided that i just won't ask anymore. i was surprised to have him offer up the clean screen info. maybe he really does have a clean screen. if it's the truth that's great, if it's a lie, what's new?, i'm trying hard to detach and let his use and abuse of drugs lose it's power on me and i am mentally handing him back his responsibilities for staying sober. i just never could keep him sober and it's really not up to me to do that. i wish i had learned this a long time ago. i could have saved myself a whole lot of pain and heartache! i hope this helps you and ii thank you foor sharing. just writing this to you helps me stay focused on a healthier way of thinking for myself. god bless you and have a good day. enjoy your life and let his hp watch over him.
hugs from sugar
ialmost didn't attend my husband's family part of rehab(inpatient), i did eventually go and with a real conflict of emotions. i had been pushed to the limit og insanity with his prior to rehab binges. i was ready to just walk away after 16 years of family living. he didn't get to rehab for24 hours after he left home. just 1 more bar and 1 more joint and 1 more line. the first few days he was gone from home the tension was gone and i was grateful.those days away from him made me think that just maybe i didn't need to be with him anymore. maybe i didn't love him anymore. i did go to family 2 days and i was glad and he was a jerk the first week on the phone to me and by the time i arrived for family days(((with all my armor on) he was the man who was going to save the world in rehab. he said the nicest things to me and it broke me down to giving him 1 more chance,skeptically of course. in rehab he was leading groups and greeting newcomers and in the warm comfortable haze of rehab. today is 30 days since i went to family days at rehab. he's been back to reality and his job and the day to day real life stresses and crisis that never go away. he has been to 2 aa meetings in 3 weeks, and told me that he "doesn't buy into the 12 step program really" oh well!! the only people that buy into the 12 step programs i've noticed are the ones that have exhausted all their other options and really need help!! like me and a lot of other real nice people trying to survive the chaos. i have grown alot in these 30 days [ersonally and made a few attempts daily to improve my own life outside of him. i believe i do still love him, just not enough to sacrifice myself and my children up to drugs and booze anymore. i do believe that he has the right to be i real man and make his choices about what he wants from life and i also do. i'm trying to find some respect within myself and demand some from him after many years of trying to help him. he didn't want my help then and i believe that he needs to find his own way. he said he had a clean drug screen last mon. for the 1st time in 18 years. he offers nothing and does not talk about his aftercare rehab groups and i've decided that i just won't ask anymore. i was surprised to have him offer up the clean screen info. maybe he really does have a clean screen. if it's the truth that's great, if it's a lie, what's new?, i'm trying hard to detach and let his use and abuse of drugs lose it's power on me and i am mentally handing him back his responsibilities for staying sober. i just never could keep him sober and it's really not up to me to do that. i wish i had learned this a long time ago. i could have saved myself a whole lot of pain and heartache! i hope this helps you and ii thank you foor sharing. just writing this to you helps me stay focused on a healthier way of thinking for myself. god bless you and have a good day. enjoy your life and let his hp watch over him.
hugs from sugar
Fantastic Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Chicago, Illinois
Posts: 176
Funny you should say how great your A is Sugar at the meetings. I could almost feel my husband quietly sitting next to me while I spoke in the outbreak group talking about various things....I could feel him almost saying seeeeeee seee what a $%^&() I had to deal with. As he schmooses the group and all later. Then he tells me how GREAT all of these people are!! How sorry he will be when it is OVER! I am just questioning all of this...how can a person CHANGE so much in such a short time?
ME there...we are seperated an NOT living together for almost three months.
I am so confused by all of this.
I just find now, that since we have more communiccation, I feel angry at him...I missed him when I did not talk to him, but now that he is back around i get mad. Do you think I am somehow NOT wanting him to get better? I don't know...I just was a real crab to him on the phone last night after his session at AA...I just did not care to hear anything about it, the peoppl or anything.
Any insight?
Love Kitty crazy
ME there...we are seperated an NOT living together for almost three months.
I am so confused by all of this.
I just find now, that since we have more communiccation, I feel angry at him...I missed him when I did not talk to him, but now that he is back around i get mad. Do you think I am somehow NOT wanting him to get better? I don't know...I just was a real crab to him on the phone last night after his session at AA...I just did not care to hear anything about it, the peoppl or anything.
Any insight?
Love Kitty crazy
It is what it is!!!
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Sobriety
Posts: 5,767
Kitty -
It's me again the A tossing in her 4 cents. (I am also a raging Co and beginning to do some work in that area).
anyway. You need to keep your recovery seperate from his. MG is soooo right! His should be focusing on himself, not telling you to let go of your anger. I am not saying that you should not support him or attend any family type meetings, that is up to you that has to do with your marriage, but for recovery, it is seperate.
Paul checked himself into rehab first, I went to bed
and then into rehab 2 months later because I was afraid it I didn't I would kill myself, literally. the first thing I learned was that I had to worry about my own recovery and not what others were feeling about me. Family, Paul, friends, anyone and I'm sorry but that is what your H should be thinking also.
Just my little ol' opinion.
(((kitty))) thought I would toss a hug out there for you too.
It's me again the A tossing in her 4 cents. (I am also a raging Co and beginning to do some work in that area).
anyway. You need to keep your recovery seperate from his. MG is soooo right! His should be focusing on himself, not telling you to let go of your anger. I am not saying that you should not support him or attend any family type meetings, that is up to you that has to do with your marriage, but for recovery, it is seperate.
Paul checked himself into rehab first, I went to bed
and then into rehab 2 months later because I was afraid it I didn't I would kill myself, literally. the first thing I learned was that I had to worry about my own recovery and not what others were feeling about me. Family, Paul, friends, anyone and I'm sorry but that is what your H should be thinking also.Just my little ol' opinion.
(((kitty))) thought I would toss a hug out there for you too.
Fantastic Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Chicago, Illinois
Posts: 176
Thanks Guys....this whole this is new to me...and having faith that it will work is a big?
There are just so many isssues...the drinking...the fact that we did not get along that well when he was sober
It all adds up to ...even if he is better do I want him back. So right now I had the stty. put the divorce onhold so he could go through this program with out a ton of stress.
It is ALL so confuaing that I would like to move to Bora Bora and disconnect my phone : )
Love Kitty
There are just so many isssues...the drinking...the fact that we did not get along that well when he was sober
It all adds up to ...even if he is better do I want him back. So right now I had the stty. put the divorce onhold so he could go through this program with out a ton of stress.
It is ALL so confuaing that I would like to move to Bora Bora and disconnect my phone : )
Love Kitty
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Kitty
You do your recovery, let him do his and enjoy the time together to focus on something else. Then we can all go to Bora Bora LOL.
Don't push so hard at getting all the answers in one week. It takes time and it takes patience, and it takes a lot of praying.
And remember there are no written guarantees with any of this. Just a great plan for living better lives.
My prayers are with you.
You do your recovery, let him do his and enjoy the time together to focus on something else. Then we can all go to Bora Bora LOL.
Don't push so hard at getting all the answers in one week. It takes time and it takes patience, and it takes a lot of praying.
And remember there are no written guarantees with any of this. Just a great plan for living better lives.
My prayers are with you.
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