equus

I don't know where to begin I'm feeling dwarfed by all of this. I feel like an idiot. When I got home yesterday D was drinking again - he said it didn't matter because he knows he's going to have to stop but needed something to help him explain.

All my pleasure over the last 2 weeks, watching him coming back alive was just one almighty fight on his part to hide what was happening. I still want to think surely some of it was real and maybe in a way it was - in a way.

I got to hear yesterday how he's dealing with having a problem going out the house again. I got to him say he was 'shaming' himself every time he passed someone and felt they were 'bad' - every time his blood ran cold. That's just one snippet of it.

All I could say to him was that he does need to get some help, that he won't lose control by getting help, that if a counsellor tries to tell him what he's thinking or feeling rather than ask he should change because they don't do that anymore (apart from the occasional dinosaur).

It was a long evening including him phoning his Mum then asking me to tell her everything while he listened. I wasn't pushing the conversation along - but I was saying honestly what I felt, which was he needs help.

He's agreed to stop drinking for a few months - I'm not sure if he can though. He's also asked me to go with him while he fills his doctor in on his past AND tells him what's happening now. He wants me to make sure he leaves nothing out - to jog his memory and say stuff he can't say to a doc but has said to me. He's also agreed to go to APAS - our local alcohol advisory place, and get some counselling re drinking.

I spent so many hours being hope filled and encouraging yesterday I feel like my reserves have run dry. What if everybody and everything lets us down? The other stuff is as big as the alcoholism - he can't deal with it all, I'm not equipped to really help.

I know I should be happy - I thought I would be after some sleep but I still feel small!

CarolD

I see this as a break thru on his part.

He is being honest and brave...and so are you my dear.

Blessings...

walkingtheline

You're certainly not small in my book!

Maybe it's time for an it's-all-about-me-day. His needs are great...but you too have needs. There is really no reason why you can't take some time for your self and do what ever it is that will charge YOUR batteries.

equus

I'd love to!! I have a late start at work but I need to prepare for a big meeting tonight between 7-9pm!!! I guess that kind of scraps an 'all about me day'. I won't be home till 10pm.

I really could do with one though. Tomorrow is stuffed too - maybe the weekend will bring a few treats.

I know it's a breakthrough, I know we'll be ok but I'm having trouble shifting this horrible mood. Yesterday my mouth was doing all the right things but inside I just felt completely daunted and scared. I know I should be happy - my head knows this is good not bad but I feel like poo.

I want to cheer myself up desperately. I do care about me I just don't know what the hell to do with me right now.

walkingtheline

How about just filing it away for a few hours?

Do the head-in-the-sand thing for a while...or, the Scarlett thing--"I'll think about that tomorrow".

At least take a few minutes and dance!

best

Truth of the matter... we all are small. Some of us just do big things from time to time. Break it down into smaller parts... One day rather then a week or a month.
It is when we start to see just how small we are that we start to see the need for change. Looks like he may be starting on that path of finding just what is what.
His feeling shame may be that step where he learns the most. Once we realize we can't do it alone is when we seek God's help and find the strength.
It is at that point people will say they have reached their bottom and start to climb up.

equus

Thanks for all the encouragment - I think I'm going to fall back on knowing this'll pass and I will perk up. I know this is a pity party and I know there's no excuse (especially as I'm aware I should be happy!).

Best - the shame thing was completely nuts, I agree feeling shame for something done wrong can be important and healthy. But not inflicting it on yourself systematically for being scared, I'm fairly sure that's part of the problem not part of the cure. Years ago he made being inside more painful than outside by punching the wall with his fist - I think he's just doing the same thing to himself but psychologically and this time it's regardless of whether he's 'getting on with it' - just feeling fear is enough to warrant punishment. As stupid as his doc seems to be talking to the doc has to be a better option than that!

I know I'm totally stuck round his stuff at the moment - I'm aware of it and I do think it will pass. I think it's natural after the amount of shock I felt yesterday hearing what's been going on inside his head. He's not a nutter - nor is he weak, he's just been so hard on himself for so many years I think he's lost all perspective of what's reasonable.

Right now this is where I am - in the wrong place granted, but if it doesn't shift itself I will get help, I'm not going to settle for feeling like this.

Sophia57

(((equus)))
No wonder you feel exhausted and drained, shocked and disappointed that maybe the lovely times you had weren't real. You've had a hell of a couple of days and this is scary stuff to handle. I'm sure some of the nice times were real - D couldn't keep up that much of a front for that long.
Have you spoken to your nurse friend yet? I'm sure she'll be able to reassure you. It's also so encouraging how much he wants to get help - he has a great awareness of his problems, just needs to find the right people to help him.
His idea of you going to the doctor with him is excellent - you don't trust that doc anyway but maybe if he gets the full picture he can give a good referral. This is stuff for experts, you can't expect yourself to be able to handle it.
Please don't feel small, you're anything but, and you're trying so hard. Just get through today and see what help you can get - for yourself too.
We're all here for you.
Sophia

Buster

****************************{Equus }}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

******************{Hugs to you }}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Hang in there sweetie

equus

Thanks both of you!! I think my mood has lifted a bit - another post prompted me to step back a little to the whole picture and that did make me smile!

I've emailed my nurse friend but it didn't really know how much to write. Last night's stuff answered alot of my confusion (things I had wanted to ask) but it was awful - even the task of trying to relay it is hard because it's scrambled in the first place. If I get past that then there's still issues of how much it's right to share with a mutual friend. I probably will share quite alot but I haven't really got my own head round doing that yet. The whole thing is up a grade and while I can ask her for an opinion, support and even advice, I wouldn't in any way try to make her feel responsible as a medic for what happens - this HAS to go to his doctor.

I wrote an email so that I could decide what to say, say it and not have to answer any questions without time to think. The only down side is that she often doesn't check her mail for a day or so!

These are big steps towards living a life away from one crisis after the next and I know that. I need to hold on to that and remind myself I love the package of D even with the crisis's so having even a hope of life with him but without that is incredible!

minnie

(((Equus))

I haven't got time to write a long message, but just know I'm thinking of you.

susane1408

I think that if the ' small voice in my head' had a sister I'd send her to you!
((((((((((((((((((((((((BIG HUG))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Thats P to a T. It's a long road to 'normal' but he's walking it and so is D

Take my word, from my experience; some of it was real. And, he wasn't doing it just to get a handle on himself; he was doing it for you too. He loves you.

Knowledge is Power right?

Think I've got somethin of your's. Hmm.... now where did I put it. Oh yes...
Here it is!
Couldn't find any bells so a band will have to do!


:band OPTIMISM :band

Rose56

(((((Equus))))
I am also praying for you. I have to disagree with the crowd about the doctor thing - you telling the doctor everything. It feels like this is a way to make you responsible and also to pull you into that caretaking role that they want us to have. I have struggled with this too with my hubby. Temporarily it makes me feel better to "take charge" but later I feel a bit used - and I resent that I have to take care of him. I do agree that we are all small and it is very discouraging to be fighting this battle. Hang in there, and please find a few minutes to get some "me"time.

splendra

equus-

You are putting a lot of energy into getting him well and I am sure it is very draining for you. I hope you are taking as good a care of you as you are of D.

equus

Minnie, thanks - but get on with your holiday and that's an order!!

Susane, WOW OPTIMISM bigger and better than I had it before! I suppose all I'm trying to do is not feel guilty for not getting it right straight away. I have started to feel better, at least some of it was just feeling stupid and tired.

Rose, I don't really feel responsible or like I'm taking charge - I had some conditions like a code word if I was saying something he didn't want said. That way he holds ultimate responsibility and I have the freedom to put things in a way I see as true. He's said he won't use it though.There's some other reasons a bit to complicated to go into that make it a little different too, it;s not just what he will or won't do some of it is about what he can or can't do.

Splendra - yep the last couple of days that has been completely true, but not all the facts are on here. I've no intention of it staying that way either. Me and my best buddy are planning a girly week in Cyprus to name but one thing I have planned just for me! I'm not sure when it'll happen 'cos she's moving but it will happen.

FaithChaser

Equus,

My prayers are with you as well. I think there is no question that you love the "package of D". Seems to me in my humble opinion, that you both are moving forward! I'm so happy for you!!!

Why not go for a ride about now? Find a nice pony and go for a hack and clear your mind, after your long long work week... ugh I know the feeling!

Big HUGS!!!!
~Faithchaser

cwohio

attention equus - it's time for a "kick in the bahookie"!!!!!

seriously - it does sound like D is moving more steps forward than backward. do what your gut tells you - you are an intelligent, caring woman!!

prayers and hugs to you and D - christie