brdlvr2

My xabf just called me. He just got out of jail until his court date next month. I remained cool - told him congratulations and wished him luck. He was saying how much his feet hurt from walking and didn’t know how he was going to get home. It was so hard not to offer to go get him - a 1.5 hour drive after I get off work and drive 1 hour home myself. I'm praying I stay strong. My nerves have already started. I'm afraid I'll go back to seeing him and then the 3-year cycle of break up/get back together will continue. This man has to still get a decent job, get a place, get his license, take care of legal issues and most of all - get off the booze. Of course he says he will, but from what you all have told me: Actions not words. <?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>

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Just need some words of encouragement not to go back this time and to let him make it on his own. I’m already feeling bad for not offering to pick him up. How will he get home with no money or anything. Ugh.

walkingtheline

YOU CAN DO IT!

Look around you...see the peace...the quiet...the freedom from the craziness when he was there?

Now, do the happy dance for that peace of mind!

Sillyness aside...you said it all

ACTIONS NOT WORDS

Isn't this HIS problem? Isn't he the one who did the deeds that led up to his being jailed? Wouldn't it be unkind to interfer with his learning to accept the consequences of his own actions? He should be allowed the dignity of achieving his own goals and learning from his own mistakes.

YOU DIDN'T CAUSE IT, CAN'T CONTROL IT and YOU CAN'T CURE IT.

Be strong, be wise...stay the course!

We're here for you!

CatsTail

Who cares how he gets home. He put himself in jail let him take care of his life. He only said about his feet hurting and having no money to manipulate you. Let him hitchhike.

Don't YOU answer the phone, you deserve better. Do you think you need protection from him?

Ngaire

brdlvr2

You all are right. I'm sure he'll get his boss to pick him up. His boss needs him for cheap labor and my xabf needs him as due to his drinking and no license he can't or won't get a job anywhere else.

Re background: THIS time he was in for taking an old coworkers car out of state, all drunk and then passing out and the poor guy had to get his car towed back. So he finally got picked up on a warrent ( he was passed out on the side of the road on vodka when the police found him). He's been in since June this time but has to go back to court in Aug. No matter what the circumstances, he's always called. Just to say hi, ask about what I'm doing and manipulate me. Make me feel guilty for not wanting to date him anymore etc. And I know everytime I agree to "just meet him to talk" I get all caught up in it all again.

FriendofBill

"Just need some words of encouragement not to go back this time and to let him make it on his own. I’m already feeling bad for not offering to pick him up. How will he get home with no money or anything. Ugh. "

You want some words to help you not to cave into the obsession to enable him? okie dokie....here we go..........

Preventing the alcoholic form facing up and taking responsibility for the consequences of his behaviors is ENABLING. It is teaching him that "awww, dont worry, you can drink all you want, get arrested, go to jail, but I WILL BE THERE TO PICK YOU UP."

And we wonder why they are NEVER responsible for the chaos and pain they cause? Its cus we contribute to their diseased behavior.

Enabling is also a most sefish, self centering behavion on our part. Yes, OUR part. When we bail people out, its cus WE FEEL GUILTY, and we cant stand it. So...in the name of "helping" someone, we are actually helping our own selfish selves. It feels UNCOMFORTABLE to not rescue people, and to see them suffering...OHHH his poooooor feet! (Sarcasim intended, lol). Hey....walking on sore feet isnt gonna kill him, but your enabling might!

Let the alcoholic experience reality today, perhaps the pain of it all, may bring him close to a bottom, thereby bringing about change.

brdlvr2

No danger from him. He's a harmless drunk, but did notice that this last time we tried again to make it work, he turned into a verbally mean drunk. Never was like that before.

FOB: Wow! You nailed it exactly why I've always helped him, gone back with him etc. It's because I feel guilty. Hmmm, need to think on that one. Thanks all!

chrisea

so his boss hires cheap labor, but with much needed transportation. Lots of men are in that position, don't feel sorry for him. If he really wanted out of that, then he would do what it takes... Save money, (ie, stop drinking, whatever else he spends $$$ on) and do what it takes to get the Better Job... Yep, and lots of people do the same as he does... I got my xabf out once, and the first stop was to get something to drink and eat. Then I proceeded to trapse all over the place for meetings, aa, probation, you name it and the money... and then.... Well he's got another dui, he'll have to find someone else... Just rem. there is lots for you to do, more than just an 1.5 hr drive, if you go back with him. Take care of yourself.

elizabeth1979

FOB!!!! Right on! Yes, I agree. Hes not helping himself, hes waiting for you to do it for him. I have been where you are and took the road to enable. It didnt help him, it made him more selfish, me more selfish and controlling, and enabled him to not work, pay bills, and continue to drink. When I kicked him out, he had to get a job bc afterall, I was not goign to be there to do it for him.

Watch yourself, He is not your child and not your responsibilty.

brdlvr2

His boss picked him up. He called and woke me up when he got back in town. First night back and the arguments started already. Of course he wants to see me, but I'm not going to do that. I don't trust myself. Taking his calls is bad and stressful enough. Hopefully I'll get strong enough to even stop doing that.

Zoey

Wonderful posts from everyone. Makes the enabling thing much clearer.

We can do wonders with TLC in most situations, but NEVER with this disease, so it is such a hard thing to learn.

Thank you all for saying the right thing. clancy46