bluefox

I'm new to this forum, just joined today. I discovered it about a week ago and have been doing nothing but reading. As I said, I am new to the forum, I'm not new to alcoholism. The man I have spent the last 23 years with is my A. I thought about ending it so many times but this time is different, I don't even like him anymore. He goes on binges, I never know when it's coming, it just happens. I've packed his things and told him I am finished but how do I keep from feeling sorry for him? He has no home, he runs his own repair business and he has been sleeping there too. He tells me he is sick and he's going to die there because it is unbearably hot. He's crying a lot about how hungry he is and how he needs a shower and a bed to sleep in, trouble is, I'm tired of always being there to save him. He is not violent with me but he has caused a lot of mental problems with me, eight years ago I suffered a breakdown. I just don't know how to deal with the pity part. I hate this. I wish he would just go away and leave me alone but that's not going to happen. He makes me feel so guilty and he blames me for everything. I'm to blame that he has no home....I threw him out, he never comments on why I threw him out. Please, if anyone can tell me how to handle this, I would be so grateful.
Thanks so much for your help.

DanaNicole29

I can see that you still love him. You don't love his addict but you love HIM (who he REALLY is). Can you tell him that you will help him if he goes to treatment? I was alone and homeless and begged my mother to help me and she said she would come and get me if I agreed to go to treatment....and well here I am now sober and happy...No one is a lost cause...follow your heart

bluefox

Wow, that was a quick response, thank you. He does not believe in counseling, treatment centers, doctors or medication. I've been doing this for 23 years and I can honestly say that I don't love him, I do pity him, I've known him for 40 years. I want this to end but he will not get out of my life, I fear that this is what I have left in my life and I am so totally unhappy.
Thanks for your reply.

pmaslan

Bluefox Welcome to SR......
As you continue to read posts (read old ones too) you will see that you are not alone. Many of us have been exactly where you are right now. 23 years is a long time to be with someone, has he been an A all that time? You must look out for yourself, you have done all that you can for him. If he is really that hungry, that tired and feels like he will die from the heat he will find a way to improve his situation, it is not yours to deal with. Please continue to read and post here, there are many people that will listen and give you the support you need to get through this....
Love, Patty

cwohio

welcome bluefox - only he can help himself - it's a hard fact to learn for those of us who have been/are "fixers". Check out Al-Anon and come back and read here, post here. We all try to support one another.

hugs - christie

walkingtheline

Welcome, welcome!

He has rejected the help he needs
But that's no reason for you to not get some help for YOU!
check out this link: Al-anon in Youngstown area

I hope you find the peace that you seek and again, welcome!

Luckyv2

Hey you just told my story that is awesome and that is how this works I run my own buisness or I did and I was so wrapped up in drugs, alcohol, women whatever that I neglected my kids, wife, house, work, everything. I had an apartment, trailer in another town, and my garage or shop what ever you want to call it. I left town cause I thought that I could not stay clean here and ended up in jail. I spent a week and when I got home the kids came running out to greet me and the dog, but NO WIFE, I went in the house and she had already thrown everything that I owned out, I had to go she said. Now she loved me enough to let me go. I then got the help that I needed and I believe still today that if she would have let me in the house I would have been dead by now. Sometimes it takes tuff love to show us that we need to do something different. It is hard but whatever you decide just think of it as your journey

FriendofBill

Welcome to SR............

I know your pain, Ive been there and for today, Im no longer there.
What I heard in your post is that you want out, but he wont go.
That doesnt make much sense?

If you want to go, you go,not him.

You can file for divorce.
You can move away.
You can do whatever you want to do.

Why are you waiting for him to do your work?

For me, the answer was I was scared. I wanted the ex to do all the painful work so I wouldnt have to.

Today we have choices, we are not victims.

You got a great suggestion in going to Al Anon....if you want help and answers, you will find it there.

Good luck

brdlvr2

I'm very new to posting here. My xabf was the same way. Homeless, no money etc. And yes, I became very, very resentful for me being the only one who would help him as he had burned all his bridges. He still hasn't gone away. Still calls me at least every other day. Sometimes I take the call, sometimes I don't. He was hungry, I gave him $5 for food and he bought a pint. He needed a place to stay. I loaned him money (never got it back) to get a cheap room. He got drunk and got thrown out the first night. And it went on. I finally stopped doing all that. No money for anything. And you know. He managed. May not have been the life I would want, but he survived - and yes, he still drinks.

walkingtheline

At the nonprofit where I volunteer that is a rule written in stone:

NO MONEY! We can feed someone, offer a sleeping bag to someone who's on the street, pray with them, give them referrals, ect but NO CASH ever!

It's a good rule.

reader

Welcome Bluefox!!! I know how u feel. After 15 years of dealing with my AH I too thought I hated my husband. He has been in treatment for over a month and I still have alot of resentment towards him. All I can say is stick to your guns!!!! If u think your life will be better without him try do push your guilt away. Remember he caused this by his actions. Keep coming back, we are here for you.

bluefox

Thanks everyone. Lucky, thank you for your story, I see you're still making it, so I know that there's hope.
I have an odd situation, I am on disability, quite a small fixed income. I have a grown son who lives with me. Long story there, he had a family and a home, wife found another guy and left him. He attempted suicide, I felt that I had no choice, I had to do what I could do for him. He's doing better now but has a low paying job, but he does pay for my utilities. As long as he's doing that, he can't save enough to get out on his own. We need each other I guess. If I could have anything in the world, I would want an apartment for my son and a seperate apartment for myself. I know this would give me the peace that I need. Just pretty impossible right now and I don't see anything changing in the near future. So, you can see that I have more than one problem and maybe you can understand why I don't need the A around me anymore. I don't know how much more I can handle without breaking again.
Thank you all for your responses, I guess I'm looking for a miracle.

Luckyv2

Hey thanks again for sharing and remember that sometimes we are looking for a miracle and it has already been handed to us. I want you to know that one thing that I have to remind myself is that faith for me equals believing is seeing and usually if I have no doubt that is when it works out the best. God bless you and I will keep you in my prayers if you ever need to vent or need help just ask I will do whatever I can

meli2005

After a while, you begin to lose respect for someone who continually abuses alcohol and does stupid things as a result on a continual basis, will not seek help, etc.


You reached your bottom and I think what you are doing is appropriate for the situation. It sounds like you cannot stand to live w/it anymore. You already had a breakdown 8 years agao as a result.

My suggestion to you would be to go to Alanon. Also, find a counselor, an addictions counselor would be a good one to understand the problems related to addictions, etc. I would recommend the one I see, but I notice you are in OH.

I'm sorry you are having to go thru this!! It's hard watching someone you love destroy themself and you will still care about him, that's normal!!

meli2005

Also, just wanted to add, by asking him to leave the home, you may be doing him a favor in the end. He might just see how bad his situation is and get help.

bengalsfan1

Hi Bluefox, I'm new here too. I just started posting. My alcoholic husband of 15 years got another woman pregnant and spent most of his non-working hours at a bar, where I'm sure he met her. I made him move out and I'm seeing a therapist today. My self-esteem is completely gone.

You need to work on your self esteem too. Is there any way you can see a counselor? This is your life and you should be happy. I'm trying to send good thoughts to all the people who have posted replies to my thread and I hope you can get some peace. Welcome and good luck.