ASpouse

Sometimes reading the posts here get me so depressed. I can remember going through many of these things myself and it wasn't so long ago that so many years of my life were devoted to enabling and being co-dependent, although I proudly thought of myself as being the "fixer of all who had problems". I actually bragged about this very redeeming quality of mine

I want to add that for our situation here, once my husband detoxed and started his recovery journey I found my recovery to be quite easy. It is hard to live with an active alcoholic and it is hard to get off of that hamster wheel of co-dependency.

After 2 years of stopping my enabling (and I still have weak moments, believe me) I have found that I am 98% thinking as an ex-codependent. I thank my husband for a lot of this, as I follow his example.

It's not impossible, I hope that everyone can stop making excuses for their behaviors and for the SO's behaviors. The best thing I have learned these past two years is:

I DIDN'T CAUSE IT, I CAN'T CURE IT AND I CAN'T CONTROL IT! Finally, this simple saying has sunk in.

Minx1969

Judy,

I identify with much of what you are saying..I think my codependency was brought out by being in a relationship with an alcoholic..I've noticed that when I was on my own (not in a relationship) and after a year in Alanon, I really don't think that way..

I'm in a new relationship with a man who is not Alcoholic and I'm not freaked out..I don't try to change him or fix him because he is great the way he is..of course he calls when he says he will and does what he says he will so there aren't many issues yet..

Great post,

del

ASpouse

Yes, but forgetting to call and maybe not doing what he says he will has to be a helluva lot easier than living the co-dependent life wouldn't you say. My husband forgets to call sometimes and doesn't do what he says he will, but I gotta tell ya, those things are all so forgiveable as I know something else must have taken up his time to forget. Yep, those things I can live with.

cwohio

thanks for sharing judy - i always look forward to your posts - you tell it from the gut - no holds barred!

ASpouse

Many many times this technique is not appreciated. I also like to get my advice/info the same way .... no holds barred!

cupowater

Yes, it is hard to live with an active alcoholic. But I believe ( I'm pretty sure anyway) that I have detatched pretty well. And THAT makes it a lot easier to cope!

cwohio

judy - i would rather have the person's real perspective then a sugar coated reply. can't say that i would always like it or agree, but i admire someone that has that much confidence. it will take me LOTS of practice i'm sure!

FriendofBill

I agree with the posts here are quite depressing at times. They remind me, tho, of where I am no longer at, where I never want to go, and the reason why I need my recovery. I dont want that kinds of obessesion over what "he" did, or what he is "doing".

I pre fer to live in the solution, not the problem. I prefer to focus on what I am doing today, not someone else. I prefer to be happy and for me, obesessing on the "him's" of this world makes me miserable.

Thank you, God, for giving me the solution!

gelfling

Amen to FOB...

But I still do get depressed when I read something where they're hurting. It's not a flashback for me. It's that another person is going through the hell of living with alcoholism.

susane1408

Me too Gelfling,
Not being here that long, I find that although; in many ways I don't have things as bad as some I hurt for those that do. Perhaps we should (and I definitely include myself in this) remember to post all the good things that happen to us as well as the bad. I do know that it's the good outcomes that have helped me the most.
But then again, I do like to be able to offer comfort and hugs when needed