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Sadness has set in

Old 10-31-2002, 10:05 PM
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Morning Glory
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Sadness has set in

I am really feeling sad about my son. He calls me every other day to say hi and let me know what he's doing. He tells me where he found a place to stay for that night and makes sure I have each phone number.

I asked him how he is eating and he just says people are giving him food.

It just breaks my heart that he doesn't have a home and security and things that people should have. It breaks my heart that he doesn't get the connection between his drinking and his consequences and that he can't take care of himself better than this.

So I'm feeling a lot of grief because I love him and always will and want better things for him than he is capable of giving himself right now.

It's so much easier to accept my own pain than his pain. I wish I could just carry it for both of us. I know I can't though.

I know you all know how I feel. It just makes it feel better to talk about it.

Hugs to all,

MG
 
Old 10-31-2002, 11:46 PM
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M.G.,
I'm sorry for your sadness, it breaks
my heart too. I woke up this morning and
my eyes were swollen shut from crying. And
it's so hard to be strong and not give in.
I wish I had some words of wisdom right
now, all we can do is pray. I think we
feel exactly how they are feeling, and
there's nothing we can do-helpless.These feelings will pass, and it's O.K. to feel them-even though it hurts.
You and your son are in my prayers.

Much love,
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Old 11-01-2002, 04:22 AM
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Just wanted to send you a huge hug, my thoughts are with u and your son.

Its so hard to see through this saddness, but it wil pass,

much love to you both


********************************{morning glory}}}}}}}}}}}}}

spin xxxxxxxxxx
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Old 11-01-2002, 04:22 AM
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JT
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MG,

You put him in God's hands, that should give you some comfort. Things are the way they are suppose to be today. You have given him all you are able to give him and then more than than that. He knows that. Maybe an A can come along and remind you of that.

I have felt the same grief you are feeling right now. Most of the time I manage to prevent myself from going there. I told you once that I canot allow myself into certain places because it hurts to much. Now , I mostly shake my head in wonder. I don't understand it and and I never will.

Now is the time to stay busy. Call it what ever you want (avoidance, faking it etc) but stay busy. It does take your mind away from where it is wanting to go.

And never forget you can do anything for 24 hours. Stay in today.

(((((Hugs)))))
JT
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Old 11-01-2002, 04:29 AM
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There are many times I get very sad and sometimes angry too. My son seems to have one foot in and one foot out of recovery. He seems to be trying but just won't surrender and do something positive about it. As we speak he is both feet out.

The thing is, that no matter how I feel, he is still going to be doing what he is doing. How I feel, has no ipact on his recovery.
So, I have to make sure to look after how I feel. I need to pray a lot and stay connected to my source of strength. I need to work my program, even when I don't feel like it, ESPECIALLY when I don't feel like it. Because it keeps me sane.

I need to stop isolating, and waiting for the phone calls, just hoping to hear that he is safe.

And I need to do other things in my life that have nothing to do with my son. I need to focus at my job, and I need to have fun and to not neglect the healthy friends and family who are so dear to me.

The disease of codependency will make us sick if we don't take action to change our lives. We hope and even expect that they will change their lives, but we must change too. We are not just spectators watching their disease...we have our own needs to attend to if we are to stay healthy, if we are to survive. And this takes effort and action on our part.

God bless us all and every mother of an addict.
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Old 11-01-2002, 06:11 AM
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MG

Not much I can add to the wisdom and comfort offered above. It always helps me to read these posts too.

My first thought on reading your post was WOW. .it is good he calls each day and lets you know he is ok. But in a way that certainly keeps you connected to the "drama" of his disease. Take the good and leave the bad I guess. Today you have a choice about that.

Don't let your imagination torture you into what might happen. As someone told me at a live meeting. .when she starts thinking about all the troubles she says "This is your problem God" THat helped me.

He is in God's Hands and he will be ok. As Anns says he is on his journey. .and so are we.

Love and Blessings to all mothers of addicts. Mo
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Old 11-01-2002, 06:36 AM
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(((((((((((MG)))))))))))
Feeling sad is such an appropriate emotion for what is happening. Not a pleasant emotion, but right for the situation. Yes, keeping busy and keep moving in the forward direction must be the way to go. You are in my prayers.
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Old 11-01-2002, 06:49 AM
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((((HUGS)))))

Wish we could snuggle on the couch under blankets with hot cocoa and watch a good movie and veg.......

Its times like these that is hard to believe we NEED to go through. Your son is doing some of the right things. You continue to do the next right thing. Make a phone call to a loved one, you know what's good for you.

Let me know what movie you'll be watching.... HA.
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Old 11-01-2002, 06:55 AM
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dear mg, ur such agood woman, and a loving mom!! if ur son is calling you i'm sure he sees you as a loving presence in his life of #%#%!!. i hope you can find solace in the 12 steps and good people around you. i wish i could have you over for coffee and let you cry and yell and get out your fears. if you have a aa big book at hand i woould suggest to you that you read the step 1 story. i read it yesterday and thought about it for a long time. i realized that all my attempts to help my loved one ,my a and my kids were perhaps noble and self-sacrificing, but also a reflection of my loss of faith. try to stay busy and know that ur being prayed for annd thought of fondly. i can tell from all your posts that ur a strong, intelligent woman, with a heart of gold. i think you brought a son into the world that most likely is a true product of his genes and upbringing. have some faith and let him work on his problems, try not to cushion his fall, which is real hard for a mom.let his illness be taken over by his hp and let your heart be comforted by ur hp.
"just for today' big hugs from sugar
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Old 11-01-2002, 07:52 AM
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Sending you Hugs

MG,
I'm sorry you are feeling so sad. Turn your faith over to the HP. My thoughts are with you and my heart goes out to you. I will say a prayer for you. It'll will pass.
Sending you a great big Hug
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Old 11-01-2002, 08:57 AM
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(((((((((((((((((((((MG))))))))))))))))))))))))))

You're such a great mom and a wonderful caring person, I hope you feel better.

Love,

Searching
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Old 11-01-2002, 09:13 AM
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((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((MG)))))))))))) ))))))))))))))

Hugs to you... Maybe it would be a good idea not to talk to him right now... I wonder if he is trying to make you feel guilty???

My husband use to call me collect from a payphone to tell me that if I needed anything he would be sleeping at the 711... I would get so upset.. and he would turn around and tell me that he was fine and not to worry about him... :saywhat?:

He would call me and tell me how people were also giving him food... I think he only did this because he knew he was working my buttons... Those phone calls were always triggers for me...

It's been a week... I have not talked to my husband... His family has not even called to see how I was doing... This is the first time in four years we have not talked for a week straight... and it is breaking my heart.... I have turned it over to my HP... and whenever I find my mind to begin to wonder... I find something to do and quick... If I have to I will sit and stare in the mirror and tell myself I am going to be ok....

I don't know what to expect... I'm afraid... but I'm just taking one moment at a time... I'm sending many hugs your way....

Your friend... Clowie...
:council:
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Old 11-01-2002, 03:06 PM
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******************{morning glory}}}}}}}}}}

i just wanted to send you a hug too. hang in there, i know you know thats its ok to be sad sometimes. tomorrows another day.
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Old 11-01-2002, 06:43 PM
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**********{MG}}}}}}

Nothing to say here, just want to give you a hug and send you my love.

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Old 11-01-2002, 06:50 PM
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a normal reaction

Hi MG,

What you are feeling is the absolute normal way a mother, or should I say a caring mother such as yourself is going to feel. You gave your ALL to your son and this is making your heart ache.

Him calling you so much is the hardest thing. You are relieved to hear his voice, but not saying what he wants you to say to him or ask him is still another test of your strength. Your son is wishing that you will ask him to come back and you are standing your ground! You are doing the best for both of you. Maybe I am wrong about this, but why else would he be calling and giving you the numbers where he is.

Please don't be sad MG. We all love you and care a great deal about your feelings! My prayers are with you and your son. I pray that he will find his way soon!

Take care,
matters
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Old 11-01-2002, 06:51 PM
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(((((MG)))))

I am so sorry you are hurting. Just know your HP is with you, and his is with him.
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Old 11-01-2002, 07:08 PM
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I can't believe how wonderful you all are. You've all given me great advice. I will try to practice it. If you can't change it then change your focus. I'll try to keep my mind on other things.

I have to keep remembering that I can't cure my son and I'm going to have to accept it as it is today and pray that God takes care of him.

Thank you all so much.

I pray for all of you and pray that we will be able to climb our way out of this mess. The only way to climb out is to let go of the addict. Walking away and leaving them there is very hard. I know you all know how that feels. We want them to come too.

You always see those movies where someone is really hurt and the other person has to leave them there alone to go get help. We can climb out of the hole and go get the HP to help our loved ones. We'll stay here and just send the HP back for them.

Practice, practice, practice.

Hugs,
MG
 
Old 11-12-2002, 11:00 AM
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Re: Sadness has set in

Originally posted by Morning Glory
I am really feeling sad about my son. He calls me every other day to say hi and let me know what he's doing. He tells me where he found a place to stay for that night and makes sure I have each phone number.

I asked him how he is eating and he just says people are giving him food.

It just breaks my heart that he doesn't have a home and security and things that people should have. It breaks my heart that he doesn't get the connection between his drinking and his consequences and that he can't take care of himself better than this.

So I'm feeling a lot of grief because I love him and always will and want better things for him than he is capable of giving himself right now.

It's so much easier to accept my own pain than his pain. I wish I could just carry it for both of us. I know I can't though.

I know you all know how I feel. It just makes it feel better to talk about it.

Hugs to all,

MG

Hi MG:

Just read your thread posted on 10/31 about how sad you are and so full of pain. Boy, I sure can relate to your pain. You said "It's so much easier to accept my own pain than his pain" and this made me think! I do believe that we are not only accepting and carrying our pain, but their pain as well! Maybe this is why we can't seem to snap out of it! I don't know, but at least your boy sounds like he cares about you somewhat since he calls and tells you were he is. Doesn't that mean he doesn't want you to worry? I don't know, I'm the type that looks for anything positive to hang on to. My son always calls just to tell me how much he hates me...just this morning as a matter of fact. Bet mine wouldn't call if things were going well. My son is adopted! Had him since he was 3 days old. No Mother could have loved a child more than I love this one. No Mother could have hung in as long as I have. I can't seem to get it through my head that I've done nothing but cripple this child by protecting him from the time he was born till the present 40 years old in a few days! I just found this website and I keep reading and praying to make us all strong and our children as well. I'll pray for your boy too! Hugs: Devastated
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Old 11-12-2002, 11:39 AM
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Thank you Devastated.

Your message came at a good time for me. I haven't heard from my son in a couple of weeks. I have no way of contacting him and I'm hoping he is ok.

Believe me, my son has called many times to tell me how much he hates me and to blame me for all his problems. I know now that it is his disease talking and not him. I'm learning to separate the disease from the real person. It has helped me a lot not to take it personally.

I'm taking this one day at a time and trying to keep my mind on other things. I could just sit and think about it and cry all day long, but what good would that do.

You did not cause this disease with your son Devastated. You are not to blame. They have a choice and they are not making that choice to get help and work on recovery. We cannont make that choice for them. You are right about carrying their pain and ours. That's where we have more work to do on our own boundaries. We need to learn to separate ourselves from them. We need to learn where we end and where they begin.

I'm still working on it. Hugs to you. There is hope for all of us.

MG
 
Old 11-12-2002, 11:11 PM
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MG,

I am so sorry to hear about the pain you are experiencing. You are such a wonderful and caring person. I am very fortunate in that I have not had to experience that with my son. He is 26, and as of yet has not tried drugs. If he was an addict, I know it would break my heart, and I would probably have many sleepless nights.

I don't know which must be harder for you, hearing from him and knowing what he is doing, having him express bad feelings for you, or not hearing from him and wondering if he is allright.

I don't know if it's possible for you to find any peace in this situation, but you and your son have my prayers. I do believe in the power of prayer.

Juls
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