blueangel

I have been in several alcoholic relationships during my life. some physically abusive and some just with the AH. Lord only knows why but thats just the way it is. I raised my child alone whether I was with someone or not. over the years I have done several years in AA myself and later did the alanon groups to try to be the supportive wife, heal, end my own insanity, take your pick they all basically apply. I am NOT one of the average alanon members I guess. I tend to be a little opinionated and aggresive in my actions. I had to learn to be that way through years of nothing else working. I go to the couple of alanon meetings they have in this hopeless town of 100,000 people with 100 AA meetings a week and 6 alanon meetings. I actually feel more comfortable at the AA meetings but they aren't for the same thing are they?..lol I tend to wonder when I read posts saying over and over go to your meetings, study your books, keep a journal,,, etc etc,, and my responses tend to me more on the aggressive side. take your kids skating, get your child the help they need as badly as you do, have funerals for the man you once knew and walk away from the man that beats you....etc...etc. I'm sure that my physically abusive father, psychotic mother, who also suffers munchousen (sp?)syndrome, and sexually abusive brother had some part in the person I became. after all we seek what we know in alot of cases so the nice guys tend to bore me, or at least thats what 1,000 shrinks have all said as I would sit in their offices over the years through my life. Somehow through it all they all agree on 1 thing concerning me. Im not insane so I guess thats good..lol. I have to admit there have been alot of times I would love to be able to say "hey I'm nuts and look I have the papers to prove it"..lol but according to the professionals I am as sane as they come other than situational depression DUH, aren't we all sufferers of that? So I have to wonder if lifes lessons have hardened me into becoming a mutant form of an alanon member or am I just an out of the box thinking kind of person? I don't honestly know as I once again go through this again with another AH. I do know that when I changed the house locks in front of my AH and have still not given him a key to the new locks it seemed to shock him into the reality that there may actually be something wrong, and he sought help. will it be unfaltering? of course NOT. there will be set backs and binges in our future and our lives together won't be a bed of roses, but I do know that this is a good man thats not physically abusive by nature, and if I can stick around long enough to see if he will get help we can have a good life together someday in some capacity if in no other way as at least friends, but hopefully as the husband and wife we currently are. So my question is as clearly stated in the beginning after years of AA alanon all the books and all the outside sources and internal sources of help, am I really just to out of the box for any organization?....any opinion on this I would consider helpful... yes I know go to meetings.. study my books... anything else or am I just a lost cause for any organization?

Soul Catcher

I am going to give you a few sayings that you need to keep with you and remember all the time. First of all , "a child knows what they live". THAT is not your fault. It's programed into your head. So of course your going to attract those type of people. The other is "Don't become a victim of your circumstances". Just the alcoholic, WE have to change....since we have been programmed to think and talk and act a certain way you must change all that. Scary as it seems just start with baby steps. Picture a pendilum in your mind with the little silver balls swinging back and forth...figure that as your thought process....try to think with in the pendilum...if you feel your thinking outside of that then slow it up a bit. Find friends and people who you would like to be like and hang out with them. You are the company you keep, only YOU can change the things about you. Good luck sweetie.

escape artist

well, that is the positive aspect to look at for all that you have lived through- it has made you-YOU! maybe you should look into starting your own Al-Anon group meetings-you'll fit right in then!

blueangel

ironically my AH's sponsor told me to start a alanon group since he felt my knowing both sides of the insanity I could be an outlet for the other out of the box thinkers.Of course i have this thing about groups of people too and tend to hide in the corner with my back to the wall... go figure with my brazen attitude being semi-scared of people...lol. And then comes the never ending question of how in the world do I do this?...lol. somedays I do feel hopeless, maybe tomorrow I'll put on my wonder woman costume and think about the whole starting a alanon group thing

escape artist

you contact the al-anon or AA in the yellow pages and tell them you want to start a group. your brazen attitude and then shyness of people is something i can really relate to. BUT working the steps and being with other codependents should probably ease your mind about that-maybe calling upon your HP to help you out with it will let you know whether that is the thing to do. Good Luck!

blueangel

Thank you for an honest response that I can actually relate to. last night I talked to my AH's sponsor. he told me that he has heard the same thing I have said about the alanon groups here, from numerous other alanon members here. he is going to get with his sponsor and between the 3 of us get something going that is suitable for all of the other alanon members with nowhere to go. It may very possibly be starting a new alanon group thats not infiltrated with buddies but with other people that share a common problem looking for the same solution, a way to make it the next 24 hours without losing what shred of sanity we have left. I realize that several in here probably think its insane for a person with my attitudes to try to start a alanon meeting. I have never had the luxury of swinging within the pendulum and wanting to be someone else. I am pretty happy actually being the person that I am so why should I want to change the core part of what makes me ME? I am a very successful person who excells at whatever I do in life, and to be honest most of the people that know me envy me and wish they were more like me in many aspects, so maybe "out of the box" thinking isn't such a bad thing. My way of thinking bled over into my daughter who is my closet friend, as I am hers. I tell her everytime she stomps on those lines into what is considered *a mans world* that if she doesn't do it for herself she needs to do it to break the constraints for the next woman that comes along. I hope and pray that she is able to teach her own children someday the same things so that eventually we can life in a world based on equality, rather than predjudice and descrimination. Remember Albert Einstein was a genius but incapable of tying his own shoes...lol. No I'm not tooting my own horn, making any claims to fame,or anything even close, but I do know that as I reflect back on my life I have overcome many obstacles in life and even come out in better shape than before I started, and certainly better shape than anyone ever expected me to. so in the meantime I will just run with what I know and put faith in my HP to give me the wisedom once again to open one more door that may have been closed before. who knows, it may end up being a alanon group that includes yoga classes as we study the steps together
A little, no A LOT off the subject that was originally mentioned in this thread, but what keeps popping into my head is a movie made in the 70's or 80's, can't remember, I've slept since then. the movie was "Midnight Express" about a young man , billy campbell, that was imprisoned in a turkish prison for drug smuggling. Excellant movie btw to anyone that has never seen it, and true story. after spending years in this prison and basically going insane, he wonders into a circle of other prisoners walking in the same direction around a pole, in a trancelike state. Billy starts out going in the same circle that the other men do, but stops.... turns around... and starts going in the opposite direction from the other men. he regains the strength to come out of this foglike state and escape this prison and return to the United States. so maybe I'm just walking against the circles of life rather than with the circle, but it's worked pretty well for me so far, other than changing my taste in men...lol, so if its not broke I guess I shouldn't be wanting to fix it. I will continue with what has always proved to work for me and try to not stomp on others opinions, everyone has a right to have their life anyway they choose, but it just never seemed to work for me. to each his own i guess. I never could shop with a shopping list either..lol just me being me