meli2005

I dont know if others feel this way, sure you do, but I in a lot of ways feel I will never be the same person I was before all this started. This has been a very hard summer for me dealing with my AH. Watching him go to treatment twice and leave AMA. Now he is doing better, he has been sober almost two weeks and is doing an outpatient rehab program. His attitude seems better and I do think he is working hard. I do have VERY cautious optimism though!

I made him leave the house after he left inpt rehab the 2nd time. I think it has done him a world of good and me too. I needed the time to help me start to heal. He needed to start his recovery from alcohol as well.

I think about all the stupid things I used to worry about before this and wonder what in the heck was wrong w/me? I have been thru more stress these last few months than at any other time in my life. Maybe it happened to make me a stronger person. I have found out I can be a single mother to my child and that I have an inner strength I never knew, though at times I have wanted to die and not go on.

I am feeling much better now. Started to go to Alanon and it has helped. Also doing individual counseling which helps a lot as well.

My AH is going to AA freq. and is pursuing a sponsor now. He is starting to seem like the man I married 6 years ago. I though for sure I had lost him to the insanity of alcohol. I never dreamed I would end up going thru this in my life.

I have started telling neighbors about what is going on. I used to feel so embarassed, but it's time others knew, it's liek a heavy burden being lifted off me.

I find myself really examining my life/lifestyle more. Things that I used to think made me happy (like possessions) maybe they aren't so important right now. I think my family is because w/out them life is very empty.

Thanks for listening everyone!!

brightlight

I have been trying to think of who I am now and who I used to be. I never yelled and I never called anybody names. I slapped him and never have I ever done anything like that. He was the perfect husband when he quit drinking for 7 years and my daughter thought he was the greatest Daddy in the world. She was so worried she would never find a guy like him and so when she was 6 she asked me if I would pick her husband out for her. She would ask me how I found him and how did I know he was so good. Then it started all over again when she was in the 3rd grade. Our son was still little and had never seen him drink and our daughter had forgot and never remembered what he was like then. He has made my life hell. Some of it I think I am just spoiled and expect too much, but not really. He wanted me to work from home and help with the bills, so I did. My mother got sick and my life was hell. Taking care of her and the kids, and working from home. I watched her die for 2 years. She all of a sudden developed dementia and she was old, but it was hard and the day she died he went to the bar. After the funeral he went to the bar. Our anniversary, my birthday, HECK EVERYDAY! It has stressed me and my health has suffered, but also it has scared me and I am doing things to improve my health. My kids are okay with it. They just accept the fact that he does this, but I think they are hurt and somewhat mad, but do not ever seem down because they are busy and active. I hate him and I love him. I regret the day I met him, but yesterday was sitting here feeling so lonely after we argued and he called and asked if he could come home and his voice cracked and I said yes. He was so proud because HE ONLY DRANK 2 PITCHERS OF BEER! I see no future with him because I do not think he will be here or he will not know he is here. He is only 46 and younger than me, but looks years older. I know he is worried about things, but he does not have the strength to stop. We have said so many horrible things to each other, but yet it is weird, it is like a game because I really do not mean what I say and I do not think he means anything he says. My mother died in August and I have had the worst year of my life. I am hoping for better things. I do not believe any meetings will help my husband because I saw him quit before and I know what it takes. He has to want to and he has to feel he is wrong for going to a bar and right now he thinks he is doing no wrong. It is a man's right to drink after work. I really think he will stop, but I am worried what his mind and body will be like. I am not sure I am stronger, but I have learned a lot about myself and found out I am not perfect and I also do not want to save people as much as I used to. I try to be quiet and listen to people instead of having all the answers to their problems. I have more problems than most people is what I have found out.

StandingStrong

Yup, I feel this way. Actually, I KNOW it's true. And there have been some days that I felt pretty bitter about it, days that I really was just totally depressed about it all, and days that I just really couldn't bear to realize that the person I was is gone forever.
BUT....on the flip side of that, I can tell you that I've also come to realize a lot of positive things about myself that I don't think I'd have realized otherwise.
I'm stronger than I ever gave myself credit for, I now know what denial is in it's fullest form, I realize that hope doesn't always make things turn out the way we wish, I cannot control another person, I can't fix another person, I cannot expect something from someone that I am not willing to give myself, and I'm much more educated on alcoholism now than I ever was. I have learned that you can let go of someone and still love them. I realize that I do not have to accept the unacceptable. And I realize that I am worth more than what someone's actions or words make me feel.
I could go on and on and on with this subject! LOL. The point I'm making is that I don't believe that any of us will ever be the same again after having had the affects of alcohol touch our lives. But I believe that sometimes we have the chance to improve from that - and we can go forward in a positive way.
I know that I'll never be involved again with someone that is involved with alcohol. I've learned to really look at my past relationships so that I don't pick the same type again. I've learned to be more aware, take less crap from people, be independant, and to live my life as happily as possibe as this is the only one I'm going to get.
Yes, it still hurts sometimes knowing that my life has forever been changed in a negative ways. But I think that the positives can make you see that you've grown. And help you to see who you really are.
Just my thoughts anyways.

elizabeth1979

Good for you Mel, I am so glad things are going well. You know its so nice to see a light at the end of the tunnel and have a glimmer of the person you fell in love with. I wish you both love, health, and happines during both your recoveries~
Sarah Elizabeth

nocellphone

I agree, and I am all the better for it. In fact, I grow a little healthier every day, provided I'm working toward that end!

Beautiful

I am stronger for my struggle as well, although I would've preferred a post card from God to mature rather than an alcoholic husband because I am a good listener! LOL

chrisea

I don't believe that any of us will ever be the same again after, affects of alcohol touch our lives.
I know that I'll never be involved again with someone that is involved with alcohol. I've learned to be more aware, take less crap from people, be independant, and to live my life as happily as possibe.

For me, most of my former relationships were either with active users or a few dry alcoholics, with the most recent, the worst active alcoholic I met... Therefore, I'm fairly certain, I'm done... By the time, alot of my relatives, aunts, grandmother, cousins, mother, reached my age (past 50) they may have dated, but just a few dates. Then by the time they reached near 60, I don't think they dated at all. I can rem. my grandmother saying, they can take me out for a meal, but when they start hinting for a homecooked meal, they got to go! I emphasize the dry recovery, because I know my 2nd xh was in that stage and probably another former bf. They just get bitter, and he was a workaholic and I was still about 15th or more down on the list... there just isn't any compromise and besides it was all my fault anyways... Gee, our 1st anniversary, I had to convince, beg, etc to have him take me for an anniv. dinner. And during the whole meal, he acted like it was a waste of time, it was torture to him. Needless to say the next 11 anniveraries after that one, I didn't ask for a thing. When I went to get a divorce, the lawyer thought it was funny, because I didn't even know what day we got married. She said, men were the ones that forgot the date... (I had to go home and look on the marriage license and call her back)

Today, I was thinking, that I have been in the densiest (if that is a word) jungle (and I have had my rough roads, dark alleys, before this)... Now, I feel, occasionally, I can see a glimmer of light, in between the tangles of this terrain... But I feel that (when and if) I may come to a brighter spot, that I will in someways still be in this jungle yet...

As for xabf, he still is on the steep downward spiral, and still thinks it isn't his drinking that keeps him, slipping down this slope... He doesn't see, what possibly, is ahead for him... But I can't help him, he won't listen and I don't have the means to do anything else.

I am learning to be Comfortable Alone. (I'm understanding the lives of many women, just like me, even the relatives that I mentioned above.)

"For women, being alone has been equated with being unlovable, undesirable and unneeded, but those old cultural messages are not only anachoronistic, they weren't accurate in the first place. In truth, only when you're alone can you hear your inner voice. "I call that your voice of wisdom," says Hemesath, "and when you're too busy and distracted to listen to it, you get disconnected from yourself."

Forget about staying busy for busyness' sake. Sometimes it's scary to be alone with yourself. That inner voice often has a lot to say. But to honor that voice is to honor yourself. Each day carve out time for you, and each week make sure you have one excursion of your own, even if it's just to sit at a coffee shop and read for a while.

I have been doing the taking a break time, and someday may do more excursions... this seems like something calming

Remember "The quieter you become, the more you can hear." **** Ram Dass

gelfling

I don't want to be the person I used to be. I was sick in more ways than one. Still am a tad on the dippy side, but it's the fun part of being a nut case.

When I think back to how I used to be, I immediately give thanks for the help I received from my HP, my alanon group and most of all, the people here at SR. I like me now. I'm comfortable to this new skin and look forward to getting even better.

I've also gotten quiet ballsy with hubby. When he's out of line, I tell him immediately. I no longer allow it to simmer until I'm ready to explode. Damn it feels good. And it's even better when he acknowledges he's been an a$$hole and apologizes.

nocellphone

I guess we don't get to choose how we receive the message. The important part is that we get it and we respond to it!