When is enough enough?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Baltimore
Posts: 8
When is enough enough?
When is enough enough? How do you decide that you can't handle it anymore and walk away?
My 33 year old abf, who drank three beers tonight for the first time after months of sobriety, has constantly been telling me how he wants to change and get better. He also has mental health and financial problems, as well as run ins with the law. And now he is emotionally distant and rarely affectionate. He tells me that he wants me to stick by him during this rough patch and wants us to have a future together. Yet at the same time he can't understand that I am hurting from the emotional distance and lack of affection.
When is someone too emotionally damaged to be fixed? When do you give up on someone you have stuck by for so long?
My 33 year old abf, who drank three beers tonight for the first time after months of sobriety, has constantly been telling me how he wants to change and get better. He also has mental health and financial problems, as well as run ins with the law. And now he is emotionally distant and rarely affectionate. He tells me that he wants me to stick by him during this rough patch and wants us to have a future together. Yet at the same time he can't understand that I am hurting from the emotional distance and lack of affection.
When is someone too emotionally damaged to be fixed? When do you give up on someone you have stuck by for so long?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: home
Posts: 60
Thats a good question I would love to know the answer to as well as u.I've been with my ah for 12 years and still I'm going through the same thing.I'm very tired of it yet i'm still with him.I cant understand it my self.
JUST DO IT!!
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Here Or There
Posts: 7,612
From just another addict who is trying to recover I believe that as long as there is breath there is hope, but unfortunatly sometimes it takes a hard kick to get it going and if my wife let me back in the door I don't think that I would be here today. I truely beleive that she saved me from death and we are divorced now and we don't see each other except when I see the children but we do have a great relationship today and it is because of the program
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: CA
Posts: 11
I think everyone is different. Some people hang in there with their significant others through ups & downs (or downs and downs, lol) for YEARS by doing one day at a time. Others, find they can't take it anymore, and move on. It probably depends on the situation, people involved, etc.
I've been with my AH for 14 years, which feels like forever (I'm 34).I'm at the point where I'm feeling enough is enough. I have felt the feeling come over me like waves for the past few years. I kept hearing people say things like,"Don't rush into anything." I didn't. But after awhile, for me, I am wearing out and feeling like I need to make a change.After awhile, I just kept feeling it stronger in my heart that this was the right thing to do for both of us. We are talking about separating.It really hurts, but in a good way, if that makes sense.My AH is really lost right now, and our relationship is falling apart. I think we need time apart. I am really scared, too.But my HP has guided me to this point, and I feel a deep inner peace that this is what I need to do.
I still have hope in my heart for my AH, and for our marriage. I love him to pieces! Sending prayers your way that you find serenity.Believe me, I know how frustrating it can be. Never give up hope.
I've been with my AH for 14 years, which feels like forever (I'm 34).I'm at the point where I'm feeling enough is enough. I have felt the feeling come over me like waves for the past few years. I kept hearing people say things like,"Don't rush into anything." I didn't. But after awhile, for me, I am wearing out and feeling like I need to make a change.After awhile, I just kept feeling it stronger in my heart that this was the right thing to do for both of us. We are talking about separating.It really hurts, but in a good way, if that makes sense.My AH is really lost right now, and our relationship is falling apart. I think we need time apart. I am really scared, too.But my HP has guided me to this point, and I feel a deep inner peace that this is what I need to do.
I still have hope in my heart for my AH, and for our marriage. I love him to pieces! Sending prayers your way that you find serenity.Believe me, I know how frustrating it can be. Never give up hope.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: USA
Posts: 346
If he says he needs treatment and doesn't get it then he's doing more of the same -- and getting the same result.
If he GETS treatment then he's doing something different -- and the result should be different.
Actions speak louder than words.
If he GETS treatment then he's doing something different -- and the result should be different.
Actions speak louder than words.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Baltimore
Posts: 8
He is going to AA and an addiction group once a week, but only because he has to as a condition of getting his license back (6 DWIs). He told me last night that he can choose if/when he wants to drink.
It's so sad watching someone you love make the same mistakes over and over again. Most of the friends in his life have turned their back on him due to his outbursts and the chaos he creates. I have been dealing with this off and on for 10 years. Each time I think it's going to be different. But here I am feeling the same way.
It's just so frustrating!
It's so sad watching someone you love make the same mistakes over and over again. Most of the friends in his life have turned their back on him due to his outbursts and the chaos he creates. I have been dealing with this off and on for 10 years. Each time I think it's going to be different. But here I am feeling the same way.
It's just so frustrating!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: nowheresville
Posts: 872
When you decide that YOU are worth taking care of and deserve better is when you move on from someone who is self-destructive.
We only have one life and there is no reason we should be living in the shadow of anothers self-destructive addiction.
Ngaire
We only have one life and there is no reason we should be living in the shadow of anothers self-destructive addiction.
Ngaire
Reikihelps
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: PA
Posts: 221
I hear you vaporgirl,
I just noticed that the heading to a thread I just posted is the same as yours, then I read this! Sorry bout that
Looks like it's pretty clear that our son has relapsed. So, now, do we throw him out? This comes on the tail of a 30 day rehab (quite pricey) and a broken 90 - 90 meetings agreement (he made about 10). he is also dual diagnosed and has bipola 1. We have always been hesitant because of this; we're not sure he could take care of himself. But, I am sure that if he continues to use he will lose his sanity. (Since he has been hospitalized 2 times for psychotic episodes that were drug induced, I feel sure of that). My heart breaks. He was so brilliant and loving and this disease is so very resilient and strong. I'd appreciate any feedback. He's 22 and just started a job (this will be day 3) and is coming off of a dui. Takes a lot to hit bottom, doesn't it.
I do think there are distinctions between a son/daughter and a spouse/significant other. Do you have supports? Are you attending alanon? that can help a lot.
thanks for listening
I just noticed that the heading to a thread I just posted is the same as yours, then I read this! Sorry bout that
Looks like it's pretty clear that our son has relapsed. So, now, do we throw him out? This comes on the tail of a 30 day rehab (quite pricey) and a broken 90 - 90 meetings agreement (he made about 10). he is also dual diagnosed and has bipola 1. We have always been hesitant because of this; we're not sure he could take care of himself. But, I am sure that if he continues to use he will lose his sanity. (Since he has been hospitalized 2 times for psychotic episodes that were drug induced, I feel sure of that). My heart breaks. He was so brilliant and loving and this disease is so very resilient and strong. I'd appreciate any feedback. He's 22 and just started a job (this will be day 3) and is coming off of a dui. Takes a lot to hit bottom, doesn't it.
I do think there are distinctions between a son/daughter and a spouse/significant other. Do you have supports? Are you attending alanon? that can help a lot.
thanks for listening
Cruelty-Free
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Body: South Florida Heart: Yosemite National Park
Posts: 914
Originally Posted by Vaporgirrl
He is going to AA and an addiction group once a week, but only because he has to as a condition of getting his license back (6 DWIs). He told me last night that he can choose if/when he wants to drink.
It's also potentially tragic...
There is a chance that between AA and the group he's currently "enjoying"
, he may start to come to some sane understanding of his problem and what he needs to do about it. Sometimes, even if you don't get the program, the program gets you. Let's hope...Meanwhile, if you're not already attending Al-Anon, I'd suggest you find a meeting to attend.
Please take care of you and keep coming back!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: West Pine, VA
Posts: 6
I went through a very similar situation and I had to finally throw in the towel when I realized that my A really had no desire to change. All his efforts to change were not heartfelt, they were just enough to keep me around for a little while longer.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Sussex, NJ
Posts: 1,331
If he is going to AA and is practicing the program HE CANNOT CHOOSE IF AND WHEN HE IS GOING TO DRINK.
Dear, he isn't going to any meetings and if he is, he is just going through the motions, not listening or caring. Does he have a sponsor?
Dear, he isn't going to any meetings and if he is, he is just going through the motions, not listening or caring. Does he have a sponsor?
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
To me, this is about when it is enough for ME, not when the alcoholic has had enough.
I had several bottoms, in a sense, each one chipping away at my denial. One was last May when I found SR. I was actually looking for ways that I could beat his addiction, like many people who first start attending al-anon. When I started reading on this board, so much started to fall into place and gradually I began taking on board what wiser people than I had to say.
Then, in September, I started Al-anon meetings. Why? Because I knew that I had to learn more about the programme and what it could do for me. And it was my time, my space to talk about ME, instead of all the attention being on him.
In December, after a couple of months of supposed sobriety and recovery, I picked R up from the station after a business meeting and he was more drunk than I had ever seen him before. In fact, I'd never really seen him hammered in that way. A slip is a slip, I thought. But not when the next day he tried to maintain that he had only had one gin and tonic on the train. I knew then that it was all smoke and mirrors and I couldn't live with that kind of insanity. I had simply run out of chances. Two days later I broke up with him during our weekly couples counselling session.
And I still have mini-bottoms in terms of acceptable behaviour. We still run a business together and I have to deal with him every day. I am finding and implementing new boundaries all the time.
I had several bottoms, in a sense, each one chipping away at my denial. One was last May when I found SR. I was actually looking for ways that I could beat his addiction, like many people who first start attending al-anon. When I started reading on this board, so much started to fall into place and gradually I began taking on board what wiser people than I had to say.
Then, in September, I started Al-anon meetings. Why? Because I knew that I had to learn more about the programme and what it could do for me. And it was my time, my space to talk about ME, instead of all the attention being on him.
In December, after a couple of months of supposed sobriety and recovery, I picked R up from the station after a business meeting and he was more drunk than I had ever seen him before. In fact, I'd never really seen him hammered in that way. A slip is a slip, I thought. But not when the next day he tried to maintain that he had only had one gin and tonic on the train. I knew then that it was all smoke and mirrors and I couldn't live with that kind of insanity. I had simply run out of chances. Two days later I broke up with him during our weekly couples counselling session.
And I still have mini-bottoms in terms of acceptable behaviour. We still run a business together and I have to deal with him every day. I am finding and implementing new boundaries all the time.
Ugh!
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Enchanted Elmoland
Posts: 180
For me enough was enough when my AH broke open another beer and said, "I could quit if I wanted to, I just don't want to!" Now, if he really felt that he could quit if he wanted to, and knew how much it hurt me, and drank anyway, that's pretty much just spitting in my face. This happend after ten years of being with him and 7 years of marriage. That and of course many other things that have been very upsetting and abusive (I've been posting a long time lol).
I completely have respect for those that are able to stay and had every intention of staying. But, for my situation, I feel it would be insanity for me to stay.
Lots of people told me that I would know when it was time. I never believed a one of them! Now I do... I just had this feeling come over me that said, "Get out now or this is your life forever" Now after I leave it will be hard not to want to make sure he's okay. It's been so normal for me to want to take care of him for so long. At 37 I'm moving back in w/my parents and really have nowhere else to go. I know that it will be hard for a while but I also know that if I don't go it will be hard forever. I don't want to whip the sick puppy (the ah, as stated in anther post) anymore and for me that means I have to leave.
Big Hugs,
Faithchaser
I completely have respect for those that are able to stay and had every intention of staying. But, for my situation, I feel it would be insanity for me to stay.
Lots of people told me that I would know when it was time. I never believed a one of them! Now I do... I just had this feeling come over me that said, "Get out now or this is your life forever" Now after I leave it will be hard not to want to make sure he's okay. It's been so normal for me to want to take care of him for so long. At 37 I'm moving back in w/my parents and really have nowhere else to go. I know that it will be hard for a while but I also know that if I don't go it will be hard forever. I don't want to whip the sick puppy (the ah, as stated in anther post) anymore and for me that means I have to leave.
Big Hugs,
Faithchaser
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Baltimore
Posts: 8
Thanks for the support everyone 
.
In the past few days I have felt a serenity unlike I have ever felt before. I have stopped focusing on his sh*t so much, and started focusing more on myself.
And guess what happened when I stopped focusing so much on him and getting him better? I have started to have moments of clarity where I realize just how sick and twisted he is. And there are parts of him that I can never accept and can never be fixed.
I am important. I deserve a better life. Enough has finally become enough.
Thanks for listening!
Hugs to everyone
Vaporgirrl
.In the past few days I have felt a serenity unlike I have ever felt before. I have stopped focusing on his sh*t so much, and started focusing more on myself.
And guess what happened when I stopped focusing so much on him and getting him better? I have started to have moments of clarity where I realize just how sick and twisted he is. And there are parts of him that I can never accept and can never be fixed.
I am important. I deserve a better life. Enough has finally become enough.
Thanks for listening!
Hugs to everyone
Vaporgirrl
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
YAY!!! I am so happy that you're feeling better.
I always know that I cannot see the reality if any situation unless I take a step back in my mind. Unfortunately, alcoholism doesn't lend itself to doing that - in fact, we tend to take step IN rather than out.
Keep coming back, hon, we're always here for you.
Love
Minnie
xxx
I always know that I cannot see the reality if any situation unless I take a step back in my mind. Unfortunately, alcoholism doesn't lend itself to doing that - in fact, we tend to take step IN rather than out.
Keep coming back, hon, we're always here for you.
Love
Minnie
xxx
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