FaithChaser

Okay, I know I made the decision to stay a while back. Planned on starting school and bettering myself and focus on that. WELL, for my birthday, my family gave me money to start school, ah gave me some as well. This was my gift I get to go to school, I was excited and hopeful for my future and feeling like I could go forward as long as I had a dream to focus on. At the same time, my ah wanted to go visit his family 1000 miles away. He'd not seen them in over a year and his father is ill. Being the understanding wife I said of course we will go, he was going to cash in some vacation time etc. to pay for it. Of course that wasn't enough and all my "birthday/school money" was spent for a vacation to see his family. Yes it was nice but now I'm feeling selfish and upset because I had wanted to start school by now. Last visit to see his family was paid for by my parents as a Christmas gift to me... I'm tired of not being important and now rethinking why I allowed this to happen. I told him I couldn't afford to go with him and I needed to stay and work etc. He just got mad at me and had little temper tantrums which I didn't want to deal with, also wanting to "fix" our relationship I felt it was the right thing to do. Now I'm just mad at myself, and feel like I've let myself down, I had the perfect opportunity to leave and blew it. BTW he drank a minimum of a twelve pack a day on our "vacation" and the first night there his alcoholic brother was puking in the bathroom. Bro also had open cans of beer in my out of state car without my knowledge! GRRRRRR

Well, back to being my regular wishy-washy self that I'm sick to death of! No I take that back, that was the straw that broke the camels back. I'm moving I don't know when but I do know that I cannot deal with this self-centeredness any longer. He's been nice to me lately. Little gifts etc. but probably because he knows he's a jacka$$. I'm not crying like I usually do. Is this a sign that it's time? I'm looking forward to moving on with excitement. I don't know how to move because I've never done so as an adult except when I hardly owned anything. UGH! Everyone says that when it is "time" you will know. Is this me knowing yet?!!!!

Big hugs,
Faithchaser

walkingtheline

Ok, you allowed yourself to get "got". If that's a crime most of us here would be behind bars! The crime would be not learning from this experience!

I ran a search on Rockford, WOW, you've got lots of choices! Here's four I found right off the top:

Rockford College
Rockford Business College
Rock Valley College
Northern Illinois University-Rockford

Go see the school or schools you want. Ask about grants, student loans, scholarships...everything and anything!

Don't give up!

FriendofBill

We all have choices and options. You made the choice to give the money away to fulfill his needs. Now, the feelings of resentment are kicking in. It stinks, but its how we learn.

Taking care of yourself is something only you can do.

Next time, perhaps, you will make that choice to take care of yourself first.

We are not victims, just volunteers!

escape artist

you are not being selfish for feeling this way. however, he seems to feed off of your feeling like that. you have a right to take care of your needs. hope next time you squirrel some money away, you find a way to keep him from finding out or needling you for it. tell him you put it in a cd and can't cash it for 3 years or something! you Can Do It!

FormerDoormat

Please don't be so hard on yourself. Why do you think I chose the name FORMERdoormat? Why do you think the pup in my avatar is sitting on a doormat? Because I was truly a doormat when I first arrived here, so I was setting my sights high when I joined the forum--I wanted my name to match my goal--to be a FormerDoormat.

I just realized something. I'ts time to move the pup off the doormat, because that doormat is long gone.

FD

FaithChaser

wow, thanks for all of your imput! Yesterday I brought this to his attention and he said he refuses to "fall into a guilt trip" I realized how sick this relationship is while he was hollering and jumping up and down towards me. Yelling at me about how dare I not want him to see his family! I love his family and yes, I wanted to see them but it should have been better planned. He stated that he had to cash in vacation time to go as well (funny how he spent a week two weeks earlier on a vacation drinking and picking a few weeds in the lawn). That vacation time he said was for my birthday but the reality is that it was for his yearly drinking festaval he loves to go to. Yes I went with him... Well, we have not spoken since the argument last night. Told him I'm packing my bags and leaving again, I think the truth is he wants me gone anyway. Told him to make a list of the things he wants, he won't do that it requires effort. So he said take what I want, think I'll have him sign something for a legal separation. This hurts but not like I was expecting it to. It hurts because I already work so hard and have 10 years of a failing relationship that I cannot fix. Ha such the controlling person I am!!! Well, this should be a fun 4th...

Well, formerdoormat, I think you should move the pup too! I think it will be easier not to be hard on myself when I'm surrounded by supportive people rather than someone that wants to be a vampire to my very sanity.

As for school I've picked out which one to go to, I need 390 bucks to put down as a downpayment, but I'm going to move first before starting, it's crazy to think I could study here anyway. He would sabatage it just like before... Got to 180 wpm and we got into an arguement while drinking and my finger was broken. I was pulling at a necklace that I'd made him saying he didn't deserve it and he grabbed my hand. Somehow it snapped my left ring finger (you think I would have learned by that!) I always felt it was my fault it broke because I was being a jerk. The necklace should have just came off it was hand made and put together poorly.... Wow I'm sicker than I thought!!!! Today I don't think that a necklace could possibly break a finger.... but why start anything living here I guess is my point. I think sometimes I'm making this out to be much worse than it is, but then, I think I make things out to be better than they are and put up with more than I should! Am I making any sense at all????

So, I'm moving out again and this time I'm not moving back. I'm going to need a lot of strength and help! UGH!

Thank you all so very very much for letting me vent, and for your FABULOUS responses!!!!!
HUGS
~FaithChaser

HEALEDbyFAITH

Ok I'd say you found the faith you were chasing. First, that God loves you and he wont let you be unhappy. Faith in the fact that you will survive this heart break. Faith in the fact that you are an exquisite person who derserves to live her dreams. Faith that anyone that gets in the way of your dreams does not love you like you deserve. Faith that you CAN succeed in whatever you put your mind to. Faith that tomorrow will be an awesome day because you chose it to be that way. Faith that you know you can and will be successful in life and love. Faith that your soul mate is out there somewhere beckoning to you, supporting you, and placing you first as all lovers should be. WOW Congrats Faithchaser you are strong and full of courage keep praying and you will find even more blessing that belong to you!! GIANT HUGS~!