GettingBy

I've posted before on my boundaries about the drinking and driving. They are (for those who haven't seen them!) I will not get involved at all with what B does or doesn't do when he's out alone. If he choices to drink & drive that's his business, either way, I will not be a taxi for him if he's made poor choices (ie drank too much to drive). He's an adult and there are several options available to him to get home safely (I'm not one of them!). The other boundary is that I refuse to ride with him while he's been drinking and driving. So, to me this means that if we are out I know that I am responsible for getting myself home safely, no matter what, even if he says he'll drive us.

There have been occassions when he was the one responsible for driving, he ended up getting drunk, and I drove us home (even though he swore up and down he was fine to drive). Now... the problem I have is that he is now starting to assume that I will be his designated driver, and cart his drunk butt home from any functions we go to together. It's frustrating me, and I know I need to say something.

Here are some more of my thoughts:
1) I know that I can't trust him to stay sober and drive us home, so no matter what, I never drink when we're out.
2) He never asks me if I mind if he starts drinking, even though he's the one that was/is driving us.
3) I know that I don't want to chose to not go out with my husband anymore just because he can't be trusted to drive.
4) This sucks. It sucks trying to have a mature, responsible relationship with someone who can be so stinkin' selfish at times.

I know this is about me. I know that I need to do something for me. I know that with my boundaries, I will most likely always be the one that has to be responsible for driving us. I want to tell him that I don't appreciate him assuming that I will always be there to drive us. It's not fair to me. I know that I also can't expect things to be fair (I am dealing with someone with a drinking problem), but I would still like to let him know I don't appreciate how things are being handled.

Any other thoughts on this? Am I missing anything?

Aquiana

I think you said it when you said, "I know that I also can't expect things to be fair (I am dealing with someone with a drinking problem)." That probably isn't going to change. We usually take cabs when we go out if I want to drink or we'll catch a ride with people we know that are't going to be. I know I can't count on him to be the driver. Even if he says he won't drink, he ends up doing it anyway. I you want to get home safe and have a good time, you might just have to take over the whole transportation process yourself. It does suck not to be able to depend on them, but at least with my abf trying to get him not to drink at a function is like trying to get blood out of a turnip.

FriendofBill

IF you dont like it, dont do it, period, end of story. Whats the real problem here,,that he will get pissed off if you dont do it? If so, let him have whatever feelings he wants,,theyre not your business.

No one ever said boudaries were fun. They just are. Let him be angry. Let him make other arrangements for his driving, its not your JOB.

Chuckles101301

Drive separately to every function. This is your life you are talking about. I realized early on that me having 1 drink and driving myself was far better than me always driving him around. I would line up with others if I wanted to have a more-than-one drinking-night. You cannot count on him for anything, especially wanting you to have a good time at his expense (not drinking). Drive yourself everywhere, at least you will be safe.

zoe

Take a cab, ride with a friend, take your own car, Let him be responsible for him.

benefits

I don't really have any advice but I can sympathsize with you because I have been there before. When my exhusband and I first started dating we would take turns being the DD which was fine on my turn but when it was his turn he couldn't stand to see me drinking and having fun if he had to stay sober and he would end up drinking too and always excessively so I would end up stopping so I could drive us home. I just ended up not drinking when we went out because I am too responsible to drive drunk. I wish I had a solution for you - I divorced my problem but for many, many, many reasons, not just the DD thing.

CatsTail

Take precautions to protect you, get yourself home and leave him responsible for getting himself home.

Also lower your expectations about him working with you on this problem. You can't expect ANYTHING from him that's why you are getting frustrated because you think you can expect something from him.

Our serenity level is directly proportionate to our expectations of the people in our life.

Having expectations of an active A is setting ourselves up to feel pretty crappy.

Ngaire

minnie

Yes, it does suck. IMHO, it is impossible to have a mature responsible relationship with an active alcoholic. Until they stop drinking and start recovery, then it's waste of time, I'm afraid.

Keep yourself safe. Do whatever you have to do.

GettingBy

Thank you everybody! You're all pretty much reiterating what I already was thinking. I do assume full responsibility for my own safety already, and I have no problem with that. I know I can't trust him any farther than I could throw him, (Which, by the way, isn't very far!! LOL!) so I don't have more than 1 or 2 drinks whenever we go out. That doesn't bother me because frankly, the thought of getting drunk absolutely disgusts me at this point. I know that I can go and have a great time even if I only drink water!

I don't worry about him getting pissed off anymore. There was a time that I used to, but I'm really getting over that (thank god!). The issue for me is that I don't like having to responsible for both of us whenever we go out. To me, it feels like I'm enabling his drinking, and that's what's ultimately making me uncomfortable with myself. I guess it's one of those these that I either suck up and deal with, or like some of you said, maybe ride seperate. I'm going to sit with this a bit more, because I'm not sure what I want to do with my feelings just yet.

Thanks for taking the time to help me think this through!