Do we ever stop loving them?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Arizona
Posts: 928
Do we ever stop loving them?
It's been 9+ months since my exABF exited my life.
I'm doing well..new job, new body (working out a lot!) and I'm starting to date what I think are really nice NORMAL sweet loving men..
yet..I went home after the meeting on Alanon meeting on Sunday night and put bawled my eyes out..to make it worse, I played his CD..
I know it is part of the grieving process and I know I'm getting healthier but part of me still loves this man..When he was his best, there was no one I've ever dated that compared to him.
I'm scared of getting involved with this really sweet new guy but today I'll pay attention to the red flags..(he doesn't smoke! That's a great start).
maybe I just like being a headcase..
Minx
I'm doing well..new job, new body (working out a lot!) and I'm starting to date what I think are really nice NORMAL sweet loving men..
yet..I went home after the meeting on Alanon meeting on Sunday night and put bawled my eyes out..to make it worse, I played his CD..
I know it is part of the grieving process and I know I'm getting healthier but part of me still loves this man..When he was his best, there was no one I've ever dated that compared to him.
I'm scared of getting involved with this really sweet new guy but today I'll pay attention to the red flags..(he doesn't smoke! That's a great start).
maybe I just like being a headcase..
Minx
1000 Post Club
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Recoveryville, USA
Posts: 1,297
Your still grieving, as am I. Its a process, takes time and extreme self care.
Dont kick yourself cus you still hurt, your just normal. There is no deadline on grief. You are right where you need to be. Trust the process.
Your already changing cus your know what red flags are! Yay!
Enjoy the new man, take it slow, and be gentle with yourself!
Dont kick yourself cus you still hurt, your just normal. There is no deadline on grief. You are right where you need to be. Trust the process.
Your already changing cus your know what red flags are! Yay!
Enjoy the new man, take it slow, and be gentle with yourself!
too much on my plate!!
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: not kissing frogs anymore
Posts: 646
It's only been a month for me, but it seems as though we have been apart for an eternity. Part of me misses him, but I know I can never go back.
I know I have a lot of grieving yet to do, I don't look forward to that.
I know I have a lot of grieving yet to do, I don't look forward to that.
1000 Post Club
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Recoveryville, USA
Posts: 1,297
Savana,
Though you may not look forward to it, you will cme thru it, and if you feel the feelings you will grow from it.
I have...incredibly so!
We only learn thru our pain, thats a life lesson to be sure.
Though you may not look forward to it, you will cme thru it, and if you feel the feelings you will grow from it.
I have...incredibly so!
We only learn thru our pain, thats a life lesson to be sure.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
*hugs*
I know the feeling well.... live with it everyday and ask that question at least a 100 times a day it feels like.
I miss him, but yes only when he was at his best and I struggle all the time with this.
Trust the process and pray
I know the feeling well.... live with it everyday and ask that question at least a 100 times a day it feels like.
I miss him, but yes only when he was at his best and I struggle all the time with this.
Trust the process and pray
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: San Francisco, CA
Posts: 491
Maybe 2 months for me now, used to dream of her everynight and obsess but now I cant help but live and think about her still, stuff like, see! if you stayed with me you'd enjoy this or that or too bad you cant see how nice life is here its just amazing!!! when tons of friends come over, or celebrations we have, or sometimes just the awesomeness of my new home and the view !
Same time I think how much I am loving single life, not sure when I'll ever want to go back! So nice to be free...
Same time I think how much I am loving single life, not sure when I'll ever want to go back! So nice to be free...
too much on my plate!!
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: not kissing frogs anymore
Posts: 646
I tend to think to myself when our Golden, well I guess he's all mine now, does something funny, or just the way he is growing into a beautiful dog, and learns new tricks; thats when I think to myself--see if you would have stayed you could be a part of this too.
I know in his heart he loved us to his fullest ability to love; and I know he would rather be here with us, but just can't, due to his disease. Tomorrow his Mom is coming to pick up his things. I've gotten a new cell phone, and soon my number will be disconnected. So I feel this is truly the end.
Tonight I will pray for him......
I know in his heart he loved us to his fullest ability to love; and I know he would rather be here with us, but just can't, due to his disease. Tomorrow his Mom is coming to pick up his things. I've gotten a new cell phone, and soon my number will be disconnected. So I feel this is truly the end.
Tonight I will pray for him......
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 1,636
haven't been able to stop yet
I broke up with my ex in October; we had been together 9 years. It was my choice an my decision: I had learned enough about alcoholism and addiction and come far enough in my al anon program to know that I deserve much better than to live with an active addict. I do not regret it...
...but I, too, am still very much in love with her.
This is a first for me -- I have never broken up with someone I still loved, so I have nothing to which to compare it and no experience on how to get though it. In the past (except for my marriage which I stayed in 'for my kids' long after the love was gone and long after I realized there was no hope that my husband could ever be emotionally present -- a big mistake and another story) I have always been the one to break things off once I realized that I couldn't be heard and/or get my needs met in a relationship -- I mean, I wasn't like a b*tch about it or anything but it was like "OK, fine. Goodbye. Next." I didn't waste my time in situations that weren't going to work, and I didn't waste my energy lamenting and crying about them months after they were over.
But this situation with her just makes me feel like totally messed-up. Sometimes I wonder if I'm losing my mind -- or, even worse, my self-respect.
It makes me feel weak and crazy -- I mean, I am a sane person and, in general, a pretty strong person and it seems totally insane (and not like myself) to still love -- and be in love with -- somebody who has hurt me as much as she has and who is, at this stage, pretty much totally insane and untrustworthy.
A few weeks ago, I thought I had lost one of a pair of earrings she had given me -- and totally without warning I had a huge meltdown over it. I am not the kind of person who does this -- well, obviously I am......but I never have been prior to this.
Sunday I got an ambush e-mail from her (As a rule, I have to try to avoid contact with her because it is all craziness, manipulation, and "Poor me! Poor me! Pour me a drink!" B.S. on her part, so what's the sense??) -- it read like a white-trash, lesbian version of 'Queer as Folk,' with an added generous sprinkling of Bollywood melodrama-- and, of course, I can't tell from reading it what is true and what is not true, how much is real-life and how much is confused with one of the many cyber-worlds she can probably no longer separate from real-life. I responded very appropriately (according to my sponsor and my therapist) and did not allow myself to get dragged into the craziness and the drama, but still I am worrying about her and so sad,sad,sad to have to see how bad she's gotten.
Sometimes I wonder if it has to do with the addiction aspect of it -- I have never been involved with an addict before either -- because it almost feels like, rather than the relationhship dying a natural death of natural causes, the she was somehow stolen away or bewitched or something....
This is rambling and makes no sense -- it's also embarrassing as hell and when I talk about it or write about it, I think "God, this can't be me," but that's the way it is...and it s*cks big-time!
UGH!
freya
...but I, too, am still very much in love with her.
This is a first for me -- I have never broken up with someone I still loved, so I have nothing to which to compare it and no experience on how to get though it. In the past (except for my marriage which I stayed in 'for my kids' long after the love was gone and long after I realized there was no hope that my husband could ever be emotionally present -- a big mistake and another story) I have always been the one to break things off once I realized that I couldn't be heard and/or get my needs met in a relationship -- I mean, I wasn't like a b*tch about it or anything but it was like "OK, fine. Goodbye. Next." I didn't waste my time in situations that weren't going to work, and I didn't waste my energy lamenting and crying about them months after they were over.
But this situation with her just makes me feel like totally messed-up. Sometimes I wonder if I'm losing my mind -- or, even worse, my self-respect.
It makes me feel weak and crazy -- I mean, I am a sane person and, in general, a pretty strong person and it seems totally insane (and not like myself) to still love -- and be in love with -- somebody who has hurt me as much as she has and who is, at this stage, pretty much totally insane and untrustworthy.
A few weeks ago, I thought I had lost one of a pair of earrings she had given me -- and totally without warning I had a huge meltdown over it. I am not the kind of person who does this -- well, obviously I am......but I never have been prior to this.
Sunday I got an ambush e-mail from her (As a rule, I have to try to avoid contact with her because it is all craziness, manipulation, and "Poor me! Poor me! Pour me a drink!" B.S. on her part, so what's the sense??) -- it read like a white-trash, lesbian version of 'Queer as Folk,' with an added generous sprinkling of Bollywood melodrama-- and, of course, I can't tell from reading it what is true and what is not true, how much is real-life and how much is confused with one of the many cyber-worlds she can probably no longer separate from real-life. I responded very appropriately (according to my sponsor and my therapist) and did not allow myself to get dragged into the craziness and the drama, but still I am worrying about her and so sad,sad,sad to have to see how bad she's gotten.
Sometimes I wonder if it has to do with the addiction aspect of it -- I have never been involved with an addict before either -- because it almost feels like, rather than the relationhship dying a natural death of natural causes, the she was somehow stolen away or bewitched or something....
This is rambling and makes no sense -- it's also embarrassing as hell and when I talk about it or write about it, I think "God, this can't be me," but that's the way it is...and it s*cks big-time!
UGH!
freya
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: grand junction, co
Posts: 12
Originally Posted by freya
But this situation with her just makes me feel like totally messed-up. Sometimes I wonder if I'm losing my mind -- or, even worse, my self-respect.
It makes me feel weak and crazy -- I mean, I am a sane person and, in general, a pretty strong person and it seems totally insane (and not like myself) to still love -- and be in love with -- somebody who has hurt me as much as she has and who is, at this stage, pretty much totally insane and untrustworthy.
It makes me feel weak and crazy -- I mean, I am a sane person and, in general, a pretty strong person and it seems totally insane (and not like myself) to still love -- and be in love with -- somebody who has hurt me as much as she has and who is, at this stage, pretty much totally insane and untrustworthy.
Cruelty-Free
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Body: South Florida Heart: Yosemite National Park
Posts: 914
It took me a long time to learn that, while I may still feel love for an ex (jeez, which one...? 
*counts on fingers*), I don't need to continue to have a relationship with her (I was going to say "intimate relationship", but I'm not sure those would qualify as true intimacy).
I may still feel love for a toxic person, just as an addict may continue to crave their drug-of-choice (those are pretty much the same for me), but I make the choice each day to limit my exposure to toxins.
Al-Anon has taught me that I am powerless over my feelings, but I'm not powerless over how I choose to act on them.
*counts on fingers*), I don't need to continue to have a relationship with her (I was going to say "intimate relationship", but I'm not sure those would qualify as true intimacy).I may still feel love for a toxic person, just as an addict may continue to crave their drug-of-choice (those are pretty much the same for me), but I make the choice each day to limit my exposure to toxins.
Al-Anon has taught me that I am powerless over my feelings, but I'm not powerless over how I choose to act on them.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
You know that is probably the most healthy was to look at it.
I still love my ex-husband from about 7 years ago, I know that we could not live together and he is just not the one for me but that does not mean I dont love him. Im hoping for the day I can find that feeling with my ex-abf... to raw right now though and I just need to give myself time to heal.
I still love my ex-husband from about 7 years ago, I know that we could not live together and he is just not the one for me but that does not mean I dont love him. Im hoping for the day I can find that feeling with my ex-abf... to raw right now though and I just need to give myself time to heal.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Clinton, Iowa
Posts: 2
I'm there with you, sister
It has been 9 months since our divorce was final. I was married to my AH for 26 years and even with all the really awful things that he did when he was drunk, I still remember how good he was when he was sober. The only thing I ever wanted him to do was to quit drinking, but that was something that he would have to want too. He decided that the bar, his bar girlfriend and the drinking were worth more than his wife and son. The saddest part is that he really is the only man that I ever loved and now I have to start over again at 50.
I think you (and I) have to remember how bad the bad times were and know that yes there is someone out there that will love us and treat us the way that we should be treated. I believe and hope in that statement more than you will ever know.
Just hang in there and don't accept second best, because you deserve the best.
I think you (and I) have to remember how bad the bad times were and know that yes there is someone out there that will love us and treat us the way that we should be treated. I believe and hope in that statement more than you will ever know.
Just hang in there and don't accept second best, because you deserve the best.
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