spindell is in a spin
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: england
Posts: 47
spindell is in a spin
Hi everyone
I hope everyone is ok today. Well another day has dawned and my A has once again turned in2 the abusive A. Not in a physical sence, but verbally,, how can they be so nasty.
he got drunk again and decided to attack everything about me, from the way i look to my personality,,, even told me wot a crap person i was in and out of the bedroom, Thats hard for me to admit to , but i know im amoungst friends and im sure someone here has been through the same sort of thing.Im really working hard on telling myself it was the drink talking and that im a ok person,im trying to stay on top of this and focus on beliving in myself,,,,,,,,,,,,,, but theres this little voice inside me that keeps asking , "am i all those things ". i guess its just human nature but im finding it hard to ignore it,.
It didnt help ,that i had a really hard day,i had to go up to my sons school {he has aspergers syndrome] and have a meeting about where he is heading and what his future will hold, unfortunatly theres very little surport available to him, so i was feeling pretty down anyway , and could have just done with a hug, from my A,, but instead i got a character assaination.
I know he's suffering from a illness,but sometimes he can be so cruel. He will propbably disapear for a while now, and then come back either with selective memory, or deny that he had said those things.
How do u deal with those sort of attacks, could someone give me some advice,Since coming on this site , i have learnt alot, and i must admit, i havent takern what he said on board as much as i would have done befor coming here,, but there is still that niggling feeling that maybe he has got a point.
How is it, that they seem to pick the one thing that your most vaunrable about and then proceed to beat you into the ground with it.I must admit during the attack i didnt retliate, and i did qoute back to him that the things he was saying were only his opinion.I managed to stay calm enough to allow him to run out of steam, but some how i feel as tho he's won. I think im a bit muddled up in my thinking at the moment,Im having a battle with my negative and positive sides i think.
But on the plus side, i dont feel as devistated as i once would have , so maybe im getting something right,somewhere.
Thanks for listening big hugs to all
spin
I hope everyone is ok today. Well another day has dawned and my A has once again turned in2 the abusive A. Not in a physical sence, but verbally,, how can they be so nasty.
he got drunk again and decided to attack everything about me, from the way i look to my personality,,, even told me wot a crap person i was in and out of the bedroom, Thats hard for me to admit to , but i know im amoungst friends and im sure someone here has been through the same sort of thing.Im really working hard on telling myself it was the drink talking and that im a ok person,im trying to stay on top of this and focus on beliving in myself,,,,,,,,,,,,,, but theres this little voice inside me that keeps asking , "am i all those things ". i guess its just human nature but im finding it hard to ignore it,.
It didnt help ,that i had a really hard day,i had to go up to my sons school {he has aspergers syndrome] and have a meeting about where he is heading and what his future will hold, unfortunatly theres very little surport available to him, so i was feeling pretty down anyway , and could have just done with a hug, from my A,, but instead i got a character assaination.
I know he's suffering from a illness,but sometimes he can be so cruel. He will propbably disapear for a while now, and then come back either with selective memory, or deny that he had said those things.
How do u deal with those sort of attacks, could someone give me some advice,Since coming on this site , i have learnt alot, and i must admit, i havent takern what he said on board as much as i would have done befor coming here,, but there is still that niggling feeling that maybe he has got a point.
How is it, that they seem to pick the one thing that your most vaunrable about and then proceed to beat you into the ground with it.I must admit during the attack i didnt retliate, and i did qoute back to him that the things he was saying were only his opinion.I managed to stay calm enough to allow him to run out of steam, but some how i feel as tho he's won. I think im a bit muddled up in my thinking at the moment,Im having a battle with my negative and positive sides i think.
But on the plus side, i dont feel as devistated as i once would have , so maybe im getting something right,somewhere.
Thanks for listening big hugs to all
spin
I used to work here ;)
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: I live in Trevose, PA & collect Barbies :)
Posts: 2,024
Oh Spindell, how I can relate to you right now.
My A decided to get drunk and everything he did or said was indirectly and directly pointed to me and my faults. Everything was my fault, I never do this, I care more about that, etc.
You know what no matter how we deal with it or not deal with it, it still hurts. We may know its the disease talking, and they don't mean it but it still hurts. You are allowed to hurt, I know I do but it goes away eventually. I think sometimes my body and my feelings have developed this coat of armor that protects me from his verbal abuse.
I usually let him spew all the garbage and then I go somewhere by myself and tell myself. None of this is my fault, I am a good person and do something nice for me. Try that. Doing something nice for yourself.
You need to think about you and how you are number one. Let him deal with himself.
I hope you are better today and just remember that we care here and day by day things get better.
**********{Spindell}}}}}}
Take care.
Many hugs.
Love,
Debbie
My A decided to get drunk and everything he did or said was indirectly and directly pointed to me and my faults. Everything was my fault, I never do this, I care more about that, etc.
You know what no matter how we deal with it or not deal with it, it still hurts. We may know its the disease talking, and they don't mean it but it still hurts. You are allowed to hurt, I know I do but it goes away eventually. I think sometimes my body and my feelings have developed this coat of armor that protects me from his verbal abuse.
I usually let him spew all the garbage and then I go somewhere by myself and tell myself. None of this is my fault, I am a good person and do something nice for me. Try that. Doing something nice for yourself.
You need to think about you and how you are number one. Let him deal with himself.
I hope you are better today and just remember that we care here and day by day things get better.
**********{Spindell}}}}}}
Take care.
Many hugs.
Love,
Debbie
No More Mrs. Nice Guy
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Iowa
Posts: 724
Spindell,
Sorry for what you are experiencing. My sponsor has said at those moments that its HIS disease talking, and my disease is the one listening and taking it all personally.
Know that you aren't alone and we love you!
Osier59
Sorry for what you are experiencing. My sponsor has said at those moments that its HIS disease talking, and my disease is the one listening and taking it all personally.
Know that you aren't alone and we love you!
Osier59
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: england
Posts: 47
thanks
Thanks for ur surport, it makes things easier to handle, knowing that im not alone ,i will go and do something nice for myself, and continue telling myself that its not my fault, i no today is going to be my weepy day and that it will go away eventually,but like u said debbie it does hurt, but that to will fade. I dont feel so isolatated now though , and that helps
big hugs and luv back spin xxxx
big hugs and luv back spin xxxx
Member
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Raleigh, NC (Jersey Girl transplant)
Posts: 676
Spindell,
It helps me to see my husband as a duck and to hear his abuse as quack, quack, quack. If you read the old posts here you will see we have quite a lot of fun. One of the themes has been "if it walks like a duck, sounds like a duck, then it is probably a duck. So we have fun making up stories about ducks and quacking. This has actually helped me on occasion when he starts his abuse, I see him as a duck and sometimes actually start laughing. I find the little things work.
I too often worry about what if he has a point. What if there is some fatal flaw about me that causes this unhappiness etc. But as osier said that is my disease talking. There is no fatal flaw. You are a wonderful person and nothing you could do or be causes any of this. Its not you.
The more you read this site, attend Alanon meetings, and read literature, the changes in you will come. You will feel better. It is happening to me. There is hope. I am praying for you.
It helps me to see my husband as a duck and to hear his abuse as quack, quack, quack. If you read the old posts here you will see we have quite a lot of fun. One of the themes has been "if it walks like a duck, sounds like a duck, then it is probably a duck. So we have fun making up stories about ducks and quacking. This has actually helped me on occasion when he starts his abuse, I see him as a duck and sometimes actually start laughing. I find the little things work.
I too often worry about what if he has a point. What if there is some fatal flaw about me that causes this unhappiness etc. But as osier said that is my disease talking. There is no fatal flaw. You are a wonderful person and nothing you could do or be causes any of this. Its not you.
The more you read this site, attend Alanon meetings, and read literature, the changes in you will come. You will feel better. It is happening to me. There is hope. I am praying for you.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: upstate, ny
Posts: 135
spin,honey
quack, quack, come on laugh!! of course you're not all those things!! hold up the mirror and let him say it to the real person failing him, he's in pain and boy do they like to keep that cycle of misery going. in the bedroom, maybe if his primary relationship wasn't with a substance your love life would be rewarding! just a thought? i'm a little angry today with myself for buying into it all those years. quack, quack, quack,
hugs from sugar
quack, quack, come on laugh!! of course you're not all those things!! hold up the mirror and let him say it to the real person failing him, he's in pain and boy do they like to keep that cycle of misery going. in the bedroom, maybe if his primary relationship wasn't with a substance your love life would be rewarding! just a thought? i'm a little angry today with myself for buying into it all those years. quack, quack, quack,
hugs from sugar
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: england
Posts: 47
Quack Quack
Hi guys, Ok u got me laughing, and im begining to see the funny side,,, i'll take ur advice and sugar i'll get that mirror ready.
You no wot really made me laugh about you all going on about ducks and stuff,,,,,,, im in England and its pouring with rain here [ again] and it just seemed so ironic that i come on here and read all about ducks and stuff, im nice and warm and cosy in my house, and my A IS GOING TO GO OUT in the rain get soaking wet just to get a drink, my god ur right , HE REALLY IS QUAKERS, LOLOLO thanks so much for showing me the bright side, im still giggling now
loads of hugs to u all spin
P.s, im changing the old engkish say of , ,,, its raining cats and dogs,,,,,,,, its now known in my house as, [ yep u got it ] its raining cats and ducks.
BIG HUGSXXXXXXXXX
:okay:
You no wot really made me laugh about you all going on about ducks and stuff,,,,,,, im in England and its pouring with rain here [ again] and it just seemed so ironic that i come on here and read all about ducks and stuff, im nice and warm and cosy in my house, and my A IS GOING TO GO OUT in the rain get soaking wet just to get a drink, my god ur right , HE REALLY IS QUAKERS, LOLOLO thanks so much for showing me the bright side, im still giggling now
loads of hugs to u all spin
P.s, im changing the old engkish say of , ,,, its raining cats and dogs,,,,,,,, its now known in my house as, [ yep u got it ] its raining cats and ducks.
BIG HUGSXXXXXXXXX
:okay:
Member
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: The Basement
Posts: 724
Hi Spindell,
It sounds like your A is trying to make you the problem in his mind so he doesn't have to look at his issues, addiction, etc. and they are experts at pushing the right buttons to where we feed into it and believe that we are the problem.
My A and I did this dance for a long time. However, he's more subtle. My A is very passive aggressive and makes comments and insinuations that push my buttons and I react in anger. Therefore, I become the crazy lunatic yelling and losing my temper because he's infuriating:cry3:
I believed the problem was me for a long time, so much so that I went to see a psychiatrist and got on Prozac for my anger. Then we went to counseling together. Well, my husband started saying that the reason we don't get along is my anger. After many months we found out that our problems had nothing to do with my anger and I should be angry because my husband disrespects me. He was provoking me and pushing my buttons so I am the problem in a our marriage. Then we don't have to look at his using . I always question myself too. I think for me it comes from never feeling good enough. The codependants no more books say that codependents have low self esteem. That in itself is a form of enabling for the A because we gladly take everything on and become the problem UUUggggggghhhh!!
Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that it is his bull.... and has nothing, I repeat, nothing to do with you. You're just an easy target just as I am. But we don't have to be. Why do we give away our power to these men. I for one am going to try to stop feeding into all of it. Ha Ha, easier said than done. One day at a time.
I read your post about your ex husband being physically abusive and here you are in your current situation now. I just want to give you a big hug and tell you that you are a wonderful person and you deserve to be loved and cherished and treated like the special person that you are.
Love ya,
Searching
It sounds like your A is trying to make you the problem in his mind so he doesn't have to look at his issues, addiction, etc. and they are experts at pushing the right buttons to where we feed into it and believe that we are the problem.
My A and I did this dance for a long time. However, he's more subtle. My A is very passive aggressive and makes comments and insinuations that push my buttons and I react in anger. Therefore, I become the crazy lunatic yelling and losing my temper because he's infuriating:cry3:
I believed the problem was me for a long time, so much so that I went to see a psychiatrist and got on Prozac for my anger. Then we went to counseling together. Well, my husband started saying that the reason we don't get along is my anger. After many months we found out that our problems had nothing to do with my anger and I should be angry because my husband disrespects me. He was provoking me and pushing my buttons so I am the problem in a our marriage. Then we don't have to look at his using . I always question myself too. I think for me it comes from never feeling good enough. The codependants no more books say that codependents have low self esteem. That in itself is a form of enabling for the A because we gladly take everything on and become the problem UUUggggggghhhh!!
Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that it is his bull.... and has nothing, I repeat, nothing to do with you. You're just an easy target just as I am. But we don't have to be. Why do we give away our power to these men. I for one am going to try to stop feeding into all of it. Ha Ha, easier said than done. One day at a time.
I read your post about your ex husband being physically abusive and here you are in your current situation now. I just want to give you a big hug and tell you that you are a wonderful person and you deserve to be loved and cherished and treated like the special person that you are.
Love ya,
Searching
Member
Join Date: Sep 2002
Location: California
Posts: 24
Hi Spindell;
Thank goodness for these wonderful people. One of my fellow Al-Anons gave me a little advice when I was sharing some of the same things you have been putting up with and it works. When my A starts in on his tirade of how I don't care about my children or anything else, I look at him and say"You must be right'. At first I thought this was crazy because, there was no way I was going to let him say those things and get away with it and we would have a big fight. Well. I decided to give it a try. I would say" You must be right" and then walk away. He Knew that that's not what I really felt, but, he learned that I wasn't going to be sucked into a lot of drama. I didn't feel this huge power over getting him to be quiet, I just felt a peace that I chose not to get in a fight and I wasn't all tied up in knots inside.
Hugs,
MonicaR
Thank goodness for these wonderful people. One of my fellow Al-Anons gave me a little advice when I was sharing some of the same things you have been putting up with and it works. When my A starts in on his tirade of how I don't care about my children or anything else, I look at him and say"You must be right'. At first I thought this was crazy because, there was no way I was going to let him say those things and get away with it and we would have a big fight. Well. I decided to give it a try. I would say" You must be right" and then walk away. He Knew that that's not what I really felt, but, he learned that I wasn't going to be sucked into a lot of drama. I didn't feel this huge power over getting him to be quiet, I just felt a peace that I chose not to get in a fight and I wasn't all tied up in knots inside.
Hugs,
MonicaR
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