Why does this keep happening?
too much on my plate!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: not kissing frogs anymore
Posts: 646
Why does this keep happening?
This has been bothering me for some time. It seems the first few times I meet a guy, for instance this happened to me a few days ago in the parking lot at the Motel I stayed at, my spare tire latch got stuck on my car when I was trying to get my suitcase out. Some guy taking a smoke break outside the parking lot across from where I was approached me. He asked if I needed any help getting the latch unstuck. I said sure, and so he helped me. Then he starts asking if I'm new in town and gives me his card with his phone number on it; tells me to call him if I need someone to show me around town. Hmmmmm.....just a friendly guy trying to help out? I think not!! 
The property manager that showed me the apartment that I intend on renting seemed a little overly friendly too. After I looked at the apartment, he asked me what I was doing later on that night. He said if in fact I was interested in the place, that perhaps we could meet later for a drink. I immediatley took offense, and politely said I needed to get to bed early as I had a long drive home ahead of me. So then he changed his tune and said maybe he could show me some of the houses in the area he was renovating.
Of course I thought to myself whatever; so I took over my deposit check to him and he showed me a few houses. It was kind of fun to see all the old houses he was converting, but I felt like I what I really wanted to do was just drop off the check and then go back to the motel. In the last two days he has called me twice, leaving voice mails that said he was wondering if I made it home safely and just calling to say "hi." I haven't returned his calls, and now I feel obligated to do so since I'm planning on renting the apartment from him. I feel like sometimes the only reason he rented the place to me is because he likes me or thinks I will go out with him. I mean what if he realizes I don't want to date him? Does he change his tune about the apartment? I've had guys act that way before to me.
My question is, is it the vibes I'm sending out to people that I'm a total "codie" or is it the people I'm meeting? I mean it's not like I'm selecting these people, I'm actually just running into them by chance. How sad is that? I mean I always knew that most of my Xbf's where either abusive or alcoholic; but to think I'm meeting total strangers and it has nothing to do with dating or relationships, and they are acting this way as well...
Whats going on here? Am I over analyzing this? I realize men don't have the compacitiy to be strictly friends with women, so how do I handle this?
Some of my old friends used to say because I come across as being "to nice." How is that possible? What, am I supposed to be rude?
Anyway, not sure what I'm doing wrong though....I should have known this thing with the apartment was to good to be true
The property manager that showed me the apartment that I intend on renting seemed a little overly friendly too. After I looked at the apartment, he asked me what I was doing later on that night. He said if in fact I was interested in the place, that perhaps we could meet later for a drink. I immediatley took offense, and politely said I needed to get to bed early as I had a long drive home ahead of me. So then he changed his tune and said maybe he could show me some of the houses in the area he was renovating.
Of course I thought to myself whatever; so I took over my deposit check to him and he showed me a few houses. It was kind of fun to see all the old houses he was converting, but I felt like I what I really wanted to do was just drop off the check and then go back to the motel. In the last two days he has called me twice, leaving voice mails that said he was wondering if I made it home safely and just calling to say "hi." I haven't returned his calls, and now I feel obligated to do so since I'm planning on renting the apartment from him. I feel like sometimes the only reason he rented the place to me is because he likes me or thinks I will go out with him. I mean what if he realizes I don't want to date him? Does he change his tune about the apartment? I've had guys act that way before to me.
My question is, is it the vibes I'm sending out to people that I'm a total "codie" or is it the people I'm meeting? I mean it's not like I'm selecting these people, I'm actually just running into them by chance. How sad is that? I mean I always knew that most of my Xbf's where either abusive or alcoholic; but to think I'm meeting total strangers and it has nothing to do with dating or relationships, and they are acting this way as well...
Whats going on here? Am I over analyzing this? I realize men don't have the compacitiy to be strictly friends with women, so how do I handle this?
Some of my old friends used to say because I come across as being "to nice." How is that possible? What, am I supposed to be rude?
Anyway, not sure what I'm doing wrong though....I should have known this thing with the apartment was to good to be true
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Southern Wisconsin
Posts: 378
I'm really new at this but since no one has replied yet I thought I'd throw my two cents in.
I wonder if you are just not giving yourself credit for being an attractive woman. Seems from your encounters that you do not know what these men are really like. But I also think you must be very sensible to realize that you need not cling to any and every guy that finds you attractive. Am I making any sense here? I guess I am just trying to say that your head is in a better place just by questioning what these men may find attractive about you. And if you sense that you are giving out vibes then I suggest you give yourself a pat on the back for not giving into their need for a codependant. You sound like you are doing great! And I envy your strength.
I wonder if you are just not giving yourself credit for being an attractive woman. Seems from your encounters that you do not know what these men are really like. But I also think you must be very sensible to realize that you need not cling to any and every guy that finds you attractive. Am I making any sense here? I guess I am just trying to say that your head is in a better place just by questioning what these men may find attractive about you. And if you sense that you are giving out vibes then I suggest you give yourself a pat on the back for not giving into their need for a codependant. You sound like you are doing great! And I envy your strength.
too much on my plate!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: not kissing frogs anymore
Posts: 646
Your making total sense sketsher! I wonder if they find whats on the outside attractive or what's inside? Or maybe I'm still attracting the same guys, or is it vise versa; they attract me? But then again I would never date either of these guys.
In fact; I don't want to date anyone for a very long time!! LOL!!
In fact; I don't want to date anyone for a very long time!! LOL!!
Cruelty-Free
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Body: South Florida Heart: Yosemite National Park
Posts: 914
There have been times when I was feeling vulnerable and tended to attract predatory types, or at least individuals who could sense my vulnerability and wanted to take advantage of it ("predatory" might be too harsh a word, at least in some cases).
I've been on the complete other end, as well (seeking out the vulnerable, 'cos my self-esteem--or lack thereof--told me that those were the only ones who'd give me the time of day).
Neither situation is very pleasant...
I've been on the complete other end, as well (seeking out the vulnerable, 'cos my self-esteem--or lack thereof--told me that those were the only ones who'd give me the time of day).
Neither situation is very pleasant...
Cruelty-Free
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Body: South Florida Heart: Yosemite National Park
Posts: 914
Originally Posted by Savana 54
What do I do about this though???? 
I'm not sure, except to say that as I work on myself with regard to esteem and such and I get healthier, I attract healthier people into my life. Please know that I'm not saying that you are unhealthy. I'm just saying what I've noticed in my own experience.
Now, if you're attractive and vulnerable, that's a dangerous combination! I'm surprised they're not chasing you around the town!!!
too much on my plate!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: not kissing frogs anymore
Posts: 646
I mean maybe these guys are healthy, although I don't want to date anyone right now.
Vulnerable....hmmmmm....wanting to rent an apartment is that considered vulnerable? lol...I guess a single girl, with no friends or family in the area could be considered vulnerable.
Maybe I should find a way to make myself less attractive. It almost seems like creepy guys hit on you no matter what....it's degrading! Women shouldn't have to feel that way though.
Vulnerable....hmmmmm....wanting to rent an apartment is that considered vulnerable? lol...I guess a single girl, with no friends or family in the area could be considered vulnerable.
Maybe I should find a way to make myself less attractive. It almost seems like creepy guys hit on you no matter what....it's degrading!
Women shouldn't have to feel that way though.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: over the rainbow
Posts: 487
i know what you mean, and i think it has to do with developing boundaries for yourself-so that you know it is ok to say "No, thank-you" and not have to give any explanation as to why. that may be the signal if you come off as looking like you have to explain your reasons why you decline their offer and they may see your codie vulnerability. this is something i am working on right now as well. and i am wondering if a codependent personality is not the right type to be a salesperson.....
too much on my plate!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: not kissing frogs anymore
Posts: 646
ea-You hit the nail on the head, I always feel that I need to explain myself, always! I feel if I don't, I'm being rude.
I try to catch myself before I start to explain, but just cannot do it.
I try to catch myself before I start to explain, but just cannot do it.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Southern Wisconsin
Posts: 378
Savana
I think the best thing about going through hell with an A is that we realize that there IS something about us that attracts them. I find this a wonderful process for us to be able to let go of them and look within. It is painful. And we don't use anything to numb our brain from it. But I think often to myself that I am proud that I can acknowledge my mistakes. I am so proud that I am finally really looking at myself and my actions from another perspective. That I am not just unlucky or too physically imperfect on the outside. It's really what is inside that carrys through to the outside. Going through this last A relationship has finally brought me to a point where I can see my errors from the past 20 years. Always with needy men. Always have I been a codependant. I haven't had any situations yet where I've had to turn down a date. But a very attractive man at work smiles at me and I do find myself thinking "no way, he couldn't be attracted to me, he's way too cute and...well normal I guess to like me". So see I am doubting my own ability to attract a normal nice guy. I am sure I am sending out codie vibes. Just thinking that way!! hopefully I can stop that.
I think the best thing about going through hell with an A is that we realize that there IS something about us that attracts them. I find this a wonderful process for us to be able to let go of them and look within. It is painful. And we don't use anything to numb our brain from it. But I think often to myself that I am proud that I can acknowledge my mistakes. I am so proud that I am finally really looking at myself and my actions from another perspective. That I am not just unlucky or too physically imperfect on the outside. It's really what is inside that carrys through to the outside. Going through this last A relationship has finally brought me to a point where I can see my errors from the past 20 years. Always with needy men. Always have I been a codependant. I haven't had any situations yet where I've had to turn down a date. But a very attractive man at work smiles at me and I do find myself thinking "no way, he couldn't be attracted to me, he's way too cute and...well normal I guess to like me". So see I am doubting my own ability to attract a normal nice guy. I am sure I am sending out codie vibes. Just thinking that way!! hopefully I can stop that.
too much on my plate!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: not kissing frogs anymore
Posts: 646
Thanks for all the replies, it has helped me a little to look within myself, to see why I am attracting certain types. I think I also need to look into counseling, when I can afford it and after I get settled.
Until then, how do I learn to say "no thanks" and not feel the need to further explain myslef?
I also feel the need to call the guy back. The need is looming over me like a black cloud, like something I don't want to do, but feel the need to do. ACK!!
Until then, how do I learn to say "no thanks" and not feel the need to further explain myslef?
I also feel the need to call the guy back. The need is looming over me like a black cloud, like something I don't want to do, but feel the need to do. ACK!!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: north carolina
Posts: 365
...I guess a single girl, with no friends or family in the area could be considered vulnerable.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: San Francisco, CA
Posts: 491
I'd say go with the flow of life, dont read too much into anything like that as far as if its anything negative, if anything, just take it as a compliment and enjoy life.
I had my housemate drop me off to my favorite club just to listen to the music and watch people dance cause I've been sick I havent went out for a while and that night I really wanted to go out and just listen to my favorite music cause like a drug, I can become ONE with the music and I actually prefer to be alone when I get into this zone.
In any case, I was in my zone when I noticed girls purposely sitting next to me pretty close hoping I'd do something but I didnt even look their way. But then a cute asian girl came and grabbed me and pulled me out to dance and pretty much made me hers, I was kind and couldnt refuse such offers but I really did not try to go there to "go fishing" (a funny chinese term) as I'm sure you werent either and it doesnt mean I'm attracting anything negative or alcoholics around me or what not, its just the flow of life and you just go about enjoying the rest of it.
Cheers
I had my housemate drop me off to my favorite club just to listen to the music and watch people dance cause I've been sick I havent went out for a while and that night I really wanted to go out and just listen to my favorite music cause like a drug, I can become ONE with the music and I actually prefer to be alone when I get into this zone.
In any case, I was in my zone when I noticed girls purposely sitting next to me pretty close hoping I'd do something but I didnt even look their way. But then a cute asian girl came and grabbed me and pulled me out to dance and pretty much made me hers, I was kind and couldnt refuse such offers but I really did not try to go there to "go fishing" (a funny chinese term) as I'm sure you werent either and it doesnt mean I'm attracting anything negative or alcoholics around me or what not, its just the flow of life and you just go about enjoying the rest of it.
Cheers
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: San Francisco, CA
Posts: 491
Originally Posted by sunshinebluesky
ok, i guess my age is catching up with me!!! PLEASE BE CAREFUL.......DONT EVER LET SOMEBODY LIKE THE APARTMENT MANAGER KNOW THAT!!! they have keys to all the apartments....lie if you have to....ya got a brother, father, somebody that lives around the corner!!!!
Cruelty-Free
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Body: South Florida Heart: Yosemite National Park
Posts: 914
Originally Posted by Savana 54
how do I learn to say "no thanks" and not feel the need to further explain myslef?
Originally Posted by Savana 54
I also feel the need to call the guy back. The need is looming over me like a black cloud, like something I don't want to do, but feel the need to do. ACK!!
too much on my plate!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: not kissing frogs anymore
Posts: 646
Originally Posted by nocellphone
[As I completely contradict my last statement] It might be a good idea to return the call if the purpose is to gently set a healthy boundary.
I have NO clue how to gently set a healthy boundary...
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: San Francisco, CA
Posts: 491
I think it'd be odd to call him back and say "Hey Mr, just need to let you know I'm setting my boundries and you cant call me this often"
or something like that... I think you havent done anything serious with him, you can keep avoiding phone calls and he'll eventually and gently get the hint. Just call him one day to confirm the rent business is settled and say you were busy to pick up and apologize, and after that if he tries to start chatting with you about how your day was just say its been great you been hagning out with friends but your busy and you got to run.
We're all codies according to the book "Codie no more" right?
I'd say only call him if you have to business wise, you kind of got to break off any hints of interest to him by doing things like this, I know what you mean by youll pretty much submi to whatever cause thats kind of your nature, but I'd say focus on yourself and dont ever think negative about yourself.
Best to you always... and if it really gets too out of hand, find another place to rent, the world is large.
or something like that... I think you havent done anything serious with him, you can keep avoiding phone calls and he'll eventually and gently get the hint. Just call him one day to confirm the rent business is settled and say you were busy to pick up and apologize, and after that if he tries to start chatting with you about how your day was just say its been great you been hagning out with friends but your busy and you got to run.
We're all codies according to the book "Codie no more" right?
I'd say only call him if you have to business wise, you kind of got to break off any hints of interest to him by doing things like this, I know what you mean by youll pretty much submi to whatever cause thats kind of your nature, but I'd say focus on yourself and dont ever think negative about yourself.
Best to you always... and if it really gets too out of hand, find another place to rent, the world is large.
Cruelty-Free
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Body: South Florida Heart: Yosemite National Park
Posts: 914
How 'bout something like this?:
"Hi, [state his name, Mr. Whoever], it's [state your first and last name, keep it formal]. I felt I needed to return your call(s) and to let you know that, while I'm flattered by the interest you've shown in me, my interest is only in renting the apartment. I hope we can proceed along those lines".
Be clear. Be considerate. Say what you mean, mean what you say, and don't say it mean. If he creeps you out, maybe you should consider renting elsewhere.
"Hi, [state his name, Mr. Whoever], it's [state your first and last name, keep it formal]. I felt I needed to return your call(s) and to let you know that, while I'm flattered by the interest you've shown in me, my interest is only in renting the apartment. I hope we can proceed along those lines".
Be clear. Be considerate. Say what you mean, mean what you say, and don't say it mean. If he creeps you out, maybe you should consider renting elsewhere.
too much on my plate!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: not kissing frogs anymore
Posts: 646
Thanks Code and NCP!
Ahhh! I totally don't know if I could do that..I'm afraid I then wouldn't have a choice of finding another place to rent. I went to so much trouble to find this place; and it wasn't easy to find..
Maybe I just won't call him for awhile, and then in a few weeks just call and say I've been busy, like Code suggested.
Ahhh! I totally don't know if I could do that..I'm afraid I then wouldn't have a choice of finding another place to rent. I went to so much trouble to find this place; and it wasn't easy to find..
Maybe I just won't call him for awhile, and then in a few weeks just call and say I've been busy, like Code suggested.
Cruelty-Free
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Body: South Florida Heart: Yosemite National Park
Posts: 914
Originally Posted by CodeMaster
he'll eventually... get the hint.
Originally Posted by CodeMaster
and if it really gets too out of hand, find another place to rent, the world is large.
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