perplexed

I've been visiting, but have never posted before. I've been married to my AH for 34 years. Just recently my 18 year old son has started treatment for depression. After his doctor met my husband he insisted that I have an intervention to force my husband into a rehab center. I have no support from family or friends. I had panic attacks for a long time until with a friend's help and God's help I finally got over them. My friend is no longer available. So, again I'm alone. Since meeting with the doctor this week I feel the panic coming back and getting stronger. I know the doctor is right and without rehab we will all continue to suffer, but I just can not get over my fear. I'm so tired and without my sons I don't think I could bear to go on anymore.

closethippie

perplexed,you aren't alone any more. Welcome. 34 years,wow! A long time to put up with this.
I do not have any wise words of advice,other then to say hello and please keep coming back. Read all the old posts on forum. Learn all you can and feel free to ask questions. This is a good group. Sounds like you have had some experiences that could help other people too!
Stick around.

minnie

Welcome to SR. You aren't alone any more. There are many people here who have experienced what you are going through. It's a bit quiet on the weekends sometimes, so don't be put off if you don't get many replies just yet.

There are a few things that I am sure you have already seen here, but it doesn't harm to mention them again.

First of all, you didn't cause the drinking, you can't control it and you can't cure it. I have no experience with interventions - perhaps others can come in on that. I do know that there are people here who still live with their drinking spouses and have a happy life, others have found it necessary to leave. Unless you are in physical danger, no-one will try and force you down either path.

Have you been to Al-anon meetings? They have been so important to me in learning how to deal with the alcoholic in my life. Not only do we learn tools, like detachment, to live a happier life, the support found at meetings is second to none. I used ot blame my unhappiness on the alcoholic, when in truth happiness comes from within. I learned that I had choices about how to live my life.

The book "Co-dependent no more" by Melody Beattie is wonderful and was key to the start of my healing.

I hope you stick around to get to know us all and that you check out the "sticky" or "power" posts at the top of this forum and the nar-anon one.

Love

Minnie
xxx

perplexed

I want to start AL-anon meetings, but I haven't found the courage to do it yet. I've become so used to keeping everything inside that opening up to others is terrifing. It took me a month of reading posts to open up while hiding behind my computer. I can't tell you how much just these two replies meant...Thank you both!

equus

Hang on a sec - maybe I'm reading this wrong but surely there's something amiss when it's being 'insisted' that YOU get your husband into rehab?

Is he/she approachable enough for you to be able to say honestly that the pressure of setting that up is too much for you?

I'm sure your son won't benefit from you making yourself ill.

perplexed

He offered to have it in his office, but with my AH's response to the one time he saw the doctor, we both believe that getting him back would be impossible. He was angry and verbally abusive when I tried to talk about the office meeting. I'm not comfortable enough with the doctor yet to completely open. Sitting there with him telling me that this has to happen I thought that I could do it by myself, so it's not his fault that I don't have the courage to follow through. My husband told the doctor that he would go home that day and enroll with rehab at a VA hospital, the doctor just put it on me the next week when he found out that he has no intention of doing it himself.

CarolD

dear...I am so sorry for your situation.

If the idea is to separate som amd Dad...amd Dad will not go...
How about your son staying somewhere? Family member? Frineds?

Just an idea... Prayers for all of you.

perplexed

There's no close friends and no family for him to stay with here. He plans to attend college locally and the doctor suggested that he stay in the dorm, but I am the only breadwinner and I'm still trying to find a way to afford that. I don't make that much and I barely get by from paycheck to paycheck now.

meli2005

I know it has been really hard to deal with your AH for so many years. I hope your son does not have problems down the road as well w/alcohol.


There are people you can hire to do interventions. The therapist I go to does interventions. She just went to Texas to do an intervention.

I'm so sorry you are going thru this. We all are as well. Have you tried any alanon meetings? THey might be of help.
You could also try individual counseling as well.

walkingtheline

I'm so glad you "uncloaked", welcome, welcome!

About your first meeting...you really can go and just listen. Many of us can tell you the same story...for the first month or so we just cried. And, it it helps to "stick your toe into the water", did you know there are online meetings right here???

You are NOT alone. You're among friends here, we all understand. Please make yourself at home!

wraybear

Perplexed, I wish you peace. Prayers and hugs coming your way.

Have you examined this "fear." Have you sat down and made a list of the pros and cons? I do think the doctor is placing you in a terrible situation. However, he probably has your son's best interest at heart. Wondering if a therapist who specializes in addiction would be in order.

Hugs.

perplexed

Thanks for the prayers and hugs....been a long time between hugs. Doing much better today. Work calms me and lets me excape from the war zone. Pros far outnumber the cons. The doctor does have my son's best interest in mind and I will do it. Today I'm strong, next week I can't promise. AH has his first job in 6 years, temperary through July. He can't let the guy he's working for down, one of the very few friends that he still has. I'm sure my better mood is partly because I can postpone things till then. I have my first Al-anon meeting this Thursday. Kind of scary, but I'm going to get through it. Wanted to do the on-line meeting last night, but he was sitting behind me. The one night he didn't pass out early. Love you guys already.

FormerDoormat

I've never attended an intervention, so I don't know anything about them. How they are done, who attends them, what the success rate is. All I know is that my own intervention attempts to convince my xAB of 23 years to stop drinking were futile. Based on what I've learned on this forum, I'd say it's safe to assume that if your husband isn't ready to stop drinking that an intervention will do little to change the situation.

I think your best bet would be to do some reach on interventions and find the answers to any questions you may have. That way you can determine for yourself whether an intervention would have any impact on your husband's life, your life, and your son's life.

I hope you find the answers you're seeking.

speedyG

hi perplexed,
I was so scared to go to my first al-anon mgt. but i was feed up and would try any thing, i just went. and do you know what they all made me feel safe. i dont know why i just did. i wasnt forced to talk unles i wanted to. i mostly listened for the first week or so. and when i did have something to ask they all just wanted to help and embrace me with words of wisdom.
All the things i have learned from being the rooms, (boath) and in here is that, if he does not think he is an A , or he is not ready to quit , it will not happen.
My AH has been to court ordered rehab 3 times , and we have gone together may times he starts and just doent stay. He is not ready and untill he is it will not work.
you may want to see if your son wants to go to al-ateen, his depression may be from years of living with an AF. It cant him.
I wish you the best , in all your trials , remember God only gives us as much as we can handle.

perplexed

He knows he's an A. Admitted to the doctor he would drink every day if he had $ for it. This is a court required rehab. so I didn't think they could just check themselves out. I guess I've still got a lot to learn. His last DUI was November, I let him stay in over Thanksgiving and was not going to get him out at all. The peace in our home that holiday was something to gives thanks for. I finally called his family and let them know because he started calling me at work from jail. Things will get better because I'm tired of being his parent. Thanks again for info and support. Hope everyone has a quite night.

elizabeth1979

Yes indeed, it does become tiring...no wonder your nerves are frazzled. I had to tell myself every single day...this is not my job...this is not my job...I think in a way addicts are like kids, they will take what they can get and once you say yes, they expect in all the time. Sooner or later, you just go crazy because nothing you can do can control anything..thats part of the code in us I think, we want to fix others SO bad, we FREAK out when we cant. I have panick attacks and anxiety and know they are horrible. I would tell you to focus on yourself, but if you are like me, its takes alot to get you to that point. Start while he is in rehab, if you can develop a new pattern of doing things that are easier in you when he is in treatment, its easier to keep it up when hes out.
Hugs to you,
Sarah Elizabeth