missy3047

Hi. I am new to this. I think I have just made the first step to stop denying that there is a problem and stop being a part of it. My boyfriend is an alcoholic. I am 7 and a half months pregnant. He has a four year old daughter from a past relationship and so do I. So there are definitly some kids involved. Hes not abusive to me or them, maybe a little verbally if he is in a bad mood or hungover. I want him to stop drinking. I have never ever had the courage to tell him that. I myself have had problems with alcohol in the past. I dont believe I am an alcoholic but in my late teens was on my way there..He drives home from the bars (where he is at least 3 nights a week) blacked out, I am afraid he is going to hurt himself or others. I am also afraid he is just going to kill his liver. And a million other things I am afraid of. I have never spoken a word of this to anyone. I am ashamed. I am ashamed to tell friends and family that this is what I have ended up with. I know that sounds selfish but its true. I am afraid of what I have dragged my daughter into, and what this new baby is comming into. He doesnt really make me mad. He makes me so sad...I love him and I wont leave because he has a sickness. But caring for him and doing some of the things I do I feel is enabling him. I am sick of walking on eggshells in order not to set him off. He is completly unapproachable aabout just about anything. I just need someone to talk to. Should I go to Alanon? I am sorry this post is long and whiny but if anyone could respond or email me that would be greatly appricatted. This is the first time I am getting any of this out.I have pretty much stoped talking to my friends, because I cant hide how bad I am feeling, how depressed this is making me, and I am too ashamed to talk to anyone. I really need a friend who wont judge me or tell me to leave him. I feel like I really need help.

minnie

You're safe here, Missy, and you're not alone. No-one will judge you, I promise, because we're all (or have been) in the same situation.

Should you go to Al-anon? Absolutely. It has been a lifesaver for me and I still go even though I am not with an alcoholic any longer. Try 6 meetings before you decide whether it's for you or not.

Also, I would get hold of a copy of "Co-dependent no more" by Melodie Beattie. If you're anything like me, you'll think it was written just for you.

Read all you can on here, including the "sticky" and "power" posts at the top of this forum and the nar-anon one. Information is the key here. The more you learn about alcoholism and learn about you, the easier it is to see the wood for the trees.

Don't forget, you didn't cause the drinking, you can't control it and you can't cure it.

Look forward to getting to know you.

Love

Minnie
xxx

bluester

missy3047,hello and welcome. Sorry to read you have had to go through this. Know you are going through hell,wondering how you can help your husband. You are not alone in this. The people here have gone through the sames things you are going through. I am not good at giving advice. But I just wanted you to know you are can come here any time you want. Vent,get advice or find a friend. Please read all the old posts... there will be information in them that may help you. Plus others on here are experts on help. I am a beginner at this to. So hang in there and remember to take care of yourself to.

Cynay

Welcome to SR ... you are certainly in the right spot.

No one here will tell you what to do, only you know what is right for you. I can strongly suggest Al-anon. I know how it feels to be embarrased and just last Tuesday was telling my sponsor how angry I am with myself for allowing myself and my daughter to get involved with my ex-ABF... for being so stupid to trust him with our foundations. There is no shame in loving someone.

But you have to remember. You did not cause it, you cant control it, and you cant cure it. My ex-abf left me.... it was not my choice, had it been I probably would have stuck it out. Al-anon not only helps me know Im not crazy, but also gives me tools to deal with all the emotion... it also gives you tools to live with an A if you choose too. For you and your children I strongly suggest getting the help you need.

*hugs* stick around, post and work through it all... read alot.... its a learning curve but worth every step.

equus

Whatever you do please don't feel ashamed - you have nothing to be ashamed of.

It is worth getting some help for you because then yuou will be in a better place to make your decisions.

Welcome to SR!! It's a nutty, great place to be!

Stressed 1

Welcome to the site that has helped me very much. I just joined about 2 weeks ago and I'm also going to me first meeting with Al-anon, it should help...it always does help to talk to anyone about this disease. You said that he has never been abusive to you nor the child, but your afraid of????? setting him off. Are you saying that it could become abusive??? Be careful, sometimes they don't like being told that they have a problem. How long has he been an A???

I don't think that there is anything to be ashamed of, it's not your fault why he drinks. I was told when I first joined that there are 3 C's. You didn't cause it, you can't control it, you can't cure it. If you think that your walking on eggshells now...just wait...it will get worse if you don't talk to him. Maybe talk to his family or somebody that he looks up to. My mother is an A and I just confronted her this morning. She know that she has a problem...but she didn't admit that she was an A. I hurt her feelings with some thing that I said...but it's tough love. Make time for a meeting and I'll keep you intouch with my first one.

Stressed 1

Pick-a-name

Missy: Thank you for your post; you summed up it all up well. Thank you for the reminders about why I am here...the nuttinest can seem normal after awhile.

For me, I am trying to detatch and still love him; it is difficult sometimes for me to not react; well, actually OVER-react. The more I learn, read, practice, it is getting easier. I still have a long way to go; but I am headed in the right direction now!

Take care, and keep posting!

meli2005

Don't feel bad about yourself. The drinking is of no fault by you. YOu have NO CONTROL over it.

It is hard to bring up, very isolating, etc. I totally understand, but maybe you could tell one friend about it. It might help to get it off your chest.

Also, you could go to therapy and talk about it. Really all in all, it probably affects you more than you think it does.

Alanon is a good place to go also, good support there.

susane1408

Hi Missy,
I couldn't have given you any more sound advice than you've been given by these very savvy people,
I only know them as cyber friends, but I love them for their good hearts.
Just wanted to welcome you, I've not been here too long myself but they've helped me more than I can say.
Hope you find what you need.

michski

Minnie's response is so right on! Good luck and I wish you the best!