Thoughts that get stuck!!
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Thoughts that get stuck!!
I've got a thought stuck in my head and it's not making me happy! On monday night we watched a film - well I watched it, D was asleep on the sofa! It had a scene with a couple mucking about on the beach, running and playfighting and I imagined it being me and D. I felt sad because it seems so far away.
Then there was a thread here about what we want and it came to mind -the running on the beach thing. Two days later it's still stuck inside, part of me hoping and thinking it's not impossible but it feels impossible.
If it was someone else not D I would be angry and sad, I'd rather be sat with him just chatting than running and playing with someone else. The more I try and get the thought out my head, the more it's there, the more I think about something so carefree, playful and fun, the more it hurts knowing the reality would be somewhat muted (bit of an understatement) - maybe a quiet walk instead.
I wish I hadn't seen the film, I wish I hadn't thought it and I wish I could stop thinking about it.
Has anyone else ever got stuck thinking something that isn't doing any good?
I've tried thinking about treats for me, we're going on a tiny holiday by the coast soon and I'm trying to imagine stuff that I know will be there like the swimming pool for dawn swims. But when I imagine anything really active, silly or fun, I imagine D just watching and smiling, or being asleep. I've tried thinking about soaking in the hot tub, but I know he'll only stay in for a few minutes so I end up imagining it alone. I've tried thinking about going for walks (which I know we will do), I had been really looking forward to that till running/playing thought got stuck - now it feels like the muted alternative.
I want it out my head, but the more I try to get rid of it the worse it is.
Then there was a thread here about what we want and it came to mind -the running on the beach thing. Two days later it's still stuck inside, part of me hoping and thinking it's not impossible but it feels impossible.
If it was someone else not D I would be angry and sad, I'd rather be sat with him just chatting than running and playing with someone else. The more I try and get the thought out my head, the more it's there, the more I think about something so carefree, playful and fun, the more it hurts knowing the reality would be somewhat muted (bit of an understatement) - maybe a quiet walk instead.
I wish I hadn't seen the film, I wish I hadn't thought it and I wish I could stop thinking about it.
Has anyone else ever got stuck thinking something that isn't doing any good?
I've tried thinking about treats for me, we're going on a tiny holiday by the coast soon and I'm trying to imagine stuff that I know will be there like the swimming pool for dawn swims. But when I imagine anything really active, silly or fun, I imagine D just watching and smiling, or being asleep. I've tried thinking about soaking in the hot tub, but I know he'll only stay in for a few minutes so I end up imagining it alone. I've tried thinking about going for walks (which I know we will do), I had been really looking forward to that till running/playing thought got stuck - now it feels like the muted alternative.
I want it out my head, but the more I try to get rid of it the worse it is.
How Important Is It?
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Cyberia
Posts: 612
yes, we grieve for the life we wish we could share with the alcoholic.
Things aren't the way we would like them to be.
It's hard to accept that the addicted person is just "not there" for us, or themselves either.
Robin
Things aren't the way we would like them to be.
It's hard to accept that the addicted person is just "not there" for us, or themselves either.
Robin
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Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: In my own world...
Posts: 444
I get that when I see shows where there's a couple holding each other, passionate kissing, not necessarily sex but pure love and romance. Staring into each other's eyes. We used to do that in the beginning but now I'm lucky if I get a smooch so quick if I blinked I'd miss it. I know where you're coming from. I don't watch romances anymore.
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
I don't run and play on the beach anymore but that is because of years collected. Just sitting even without talking can be a nice thing.
Gather up the joy as you find it and make the most of it as it comes.
Who knows... it could turn into a run along the beach.
Dreams are always nice to have and hope for. Some times they do come true.
Who knows what a tickle given in the sunshine will bring?
Enjoy your holiday to the fullest by enjoying what ever comes out of it.
Gather up the joy as you find it and make the most of it as it comes.
Who knows... it could turn into a run along the beach.
Dreams are always nice to have and hope for. Some times they do come true.
Who knows what a tickle given in the sunshine will bring?
Enjoy your holiday to the fullest by enjoying what ever comes out of it.
*
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Lincolnshire, England
Posts: 464
This too shall pass.
Have a hug girl ((((((((((((Equuss))))))))))))))))
Build on what you have. I won't say don't have such thoughts, they may not be impossible dreams.
D is a fighter.
P can't do many of the things he used to do at the moment, but he enjoys seeing me be frivolous and silly.
There are answers out there, one of them will be for D and you.
You know I'm thinking of you.
Build on what you have. I won't say don't have such thoughts, they may not be impossible dreams.
D is a fighter.
P can't do many of the things he used to do at the moment, but he enjoys seeing me be frivolous and silly.
There are answers out there, one of them will be for D and you.
You know I'm thinking of you.
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: CA
Posts: 109
I know that one!! The funny thing is I remember how we used to run up the beach together or laugh together. I cant watch romances nor read them. My advice to you..... go rent a really funny film and LAUGH!!! Laugh until you pee yourself!!!! Its so much better than feeling sad.
((HUG))
((HUG))
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Thanks - all those made sense, some maybe for different reasons.
I have lots to build on and value, none of which would I actually SWAP for a run on the beach. I think the TV sold me an idea like a kid watching an advert for Nike trainers.
I have lots to build on and value, none of which would I actually SWAP for a run on the beach. I think the TV sold me an idea like a kid watching an advert for Nike trainers.
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Originally Posted by equus
I think the TV sold me an idea like a kid watching an advert for Nike trainers.
You'd figure out a way to get them!! You'd either ask your parents to buy them, or you'd save up the money to get them yourself.
If you really want to run on the beach with D, what do you have to do to get it?
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Originally Posted by GettingBy
And if you decided that you really wanted those sneakers, what would you do??
You'd figure out a way to get them!! You'd either ask your parents to buy them, or you'd save up the money to get them yourself.
If you really want to run on the beach with D, what do you have to do to get it?
You'd figure out a way to get them!! You'd either ask your parents to buy them, or you'd save up the money to get them yourself.
If you really want to run on the beach with D, what do you have to do to get it?
To run and play takes physical confidence, it takes freedom, it takes a joy in life and it isn't there. He walks up a hill and feels weak (he isn't but that's how he feels) till he feels sick, but he'll still carry on. It isn't that he would refuse if I asked it's just the thing I wanted I can't ask for, it isn't about running - except that's what you do when you feel so full of life. It isn't about play fighting - except that's what you do when you're showing off.
It's about how I feel with grand plans that just end up watching him struggle through - they never seem so grand when all it is is another wonderful opportunity to watch him feel like $hit.
I told him I wanted a magic wand - he said I was a magic wand, but I'm not. It's going to take years not weeks or months and there's nothing I can do about that, accept know that for all I hate seeing him like this - I'd hate not seeing him at all a 1000 times more.
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Originally Posted by equus
To run and play takes physical confidence, it takes freedom, it takes a joy in life and it isn't there. He walks up a hill and feels weak (he isn't but that's how he feels) till he feels sick, but he'll still carry on. It isn't that he would refuse if I asked it's just the thing I wanted I can't ask for, it isn't about running - except that's what you do when you feel so full of life. It isn't about play fighting - except that's what you do when you're showing off.
I wish I could come up with some way to have that moment, or something similiar too. I can't come up with anything. I don't know. But I do know that having a dream isn't a bad thing. File it away and never give up on it. You never know how things may work out.
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When I used to teach young grooms working with horses I knew I had to get and keep their physical confidence up. Working 12 hours hard labour in a day takes more confidence than actual strength - you have to believe you can do it, you have to trust and love that your body can do it. To pull double wheeled barrows full of wet shavings through mud you have to know your legs are strong, if you don't you can wind up defeated and even if your Charles Atlas you can't shift the weight without slipping and sliding.
I know what's happening to him - I know his confidence has crashed out and I know that is as physical as anything else, it has physical symptoms, creates limitations that form a loop and I've seen it break the toughest of people once it loops the loop to often.
It's really hard to explain if you've never felt it and bloody hard to overcome if you have.
I know what's happening to him - I know his confidence has crashed out and I know that is as physical as anything else, it has physical symptoms, creates limitations that form a loop and I've seen it break the toughest of people once it loops the loop to often.
It's really hard to explain if you've never felt it and bloody hard to overcome if you have.
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It makes alot of sense to me. I had a track coach when I was much younger teach us about the power of visualization. He would have us visualize ourselves running the course, running fast, and to imagine where we wanted to finish/place. The trick he said was to imagine yourself in front, and you'd be in front! If you believe that you are fast, chances are pretty good that you'll be fast! I still do it today. If I allow myself to focus on being tired and unable to ride my bike very far, I don't end up riding very far because I'm too tired to do it. The mind is a powerful thing.
Depression isn't something that you just snap out of. I wasn't thinking in terms of that, so I apologize. I can recall a time in grad school, when I was just devastated with life. No motivation, and the more I sat, the harder getting up and moving got. I don't remember exactly what it was that finally made me take the first step... but I know it's been a long journey to get to where I am today. 7 years later and I'm still not the person I was before.
I hope you and D both find a way to break the loop. What is it that makes him confident? Maybe that's where you start!
Depression isn't something that you just snap out of. I wasn't thinking in terms of that, so I apologize. I can recall a time in grad school, when I was just devastated with life. No motivation, and the more I sat, the harder getting up and moving got. I don't remember exactly what it was that finally made me take the first step... but I know it's been a long journey to get to where I am today. 7 years later and I'm still not the person I was before.
I hope you and D both find a way to break the loop. What is it that makes him confident? Maybe that's where you start!
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I wasn't frustrated at you - just frustrated because it's frustrating. Please don't be sorry, I love the can do attitude. Of course I love it more when it's something I can do!
I know one thing - I have to snap out of this. Goddamn Hollywood!!
I know one thing - I have to snap out of this. Goddamn Hollywood!!
Searching and tripping
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Back in my head
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Ever get one of those tricky little jingles from commercials stuck in your head. Drives me nuts. A romp on the beach with my lover...funny...The guy I married is laid back and low keyed...to drool over the commercials I see for Viagara and Cialis angers me because I'm wanting something I don't have, won't have and really don't care to have.
Is that the thing about wanting something you can't have? Like Trump's penthouse? Or Paris Hilton's body?
A clean and sober guy without the occasional dry-drunk episodes would make me happy.
Is that the thing about wanting something you can't have? Like Trump's penthouse? Or Paris Hilton's body?
A clean and sober guy without the occasional dry-drunk episodes would make me happy.
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Equus,
Something I have learned and has served me well is that I cannot compare my inside with other peoples outside. You are right...that is Hollywood. Or a couple you see on the beach behaving the way you wish, could be in a horrible marriage...just having a good day.
Ward and I have come to a sort of arrangement about these sorts of things. I walk, I ride my bike, I stay busy, rarely watch TV...he comes home, reads the paper, drinks, watches TV and sleeps. On vacation he hates the sun...he works in it all day. Me? Give me a novel and a beach chair. He probably wishes I would watch the game with him at the bar and I know I dream of long walks on the beach but we are two very different people allowing each other to be who we are.
Sure it is lonely sometimes but at other times it is very cool. No nagging about differences and when we find a common ground it is fun.
((Hugs))
JT
Something I have learned and has served me well is that I cannot compare my inside with other peoples outside. You are right...that is Hollywood. Or a couple you see on the beach behaving the way you wish, could be in a horrible marriage...just having a good day.
Ward and I have come to a sort of arrangement about these sorts of things. I walk, I ride my bike, I stay busy, rarely watch TV...he comes home, reads the paper, drinks, watches TV and sleeps. On vacation he hates the sun...he works in it all day. Me? Give me a novel and a beach chair. He probably wishes I would watch the game with him at the bar and I know I dream of long walks on the beach but we are two very different people allowing each other to be who we are.
Sure it is lonely sometimes but at other times it is very cool. No nagging about differences and when we find a common ground it is fun.
((Hugs))
JT
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: north east
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Equus you seem to have a horse background. I have started my new life without my AH and DH.
Last week I bathed and clipped the geldings all three of them. The are all TB's off the track. They were rescue horses and are truly one of the solid rocks in my life now. Of course, my children and grandkids are my main rock. Well, when I decided to have a life of my own, I signed up for riding lessons. My horses here were as they say lawn ornaments (sp?). I took care of them and would start riding and the AH would come unglued. So I really have not really ridden in five years. He was so demanding- all he wanted was a drinking buddy and a maid. Well, I could take the maid stuff but the drinking buddy was just not me. I soon found that out.
Well, it has been three weeks of 2 lessons a week. I am in heaven. The lady is so great as she also has an AH. She is letting me work off the lessons. I actually have contact with normal people and not all the drunks that would come to my home. I am not running a tavern here anymore!!! I have been riding a very old school horse to get my muscles back in shape. It has been so nice to have contact with people who actually do not live for a drunk. Note I say a drunk instead of a drink. I figure in a two months I should be strong enough to hop on the race horses and begin their much needed training.
I too, would like to have the life of the movies. I think everyone would. However, because of my age I realize I am much past my prime. I did have a second chance at true love and happiness. I thought the A&DH was perfect. When we were dating he always was so kind and sober. Our dates ended always about 9:00 -10:00pm and I thought that was neat. Little did I know that he needed to go home and get plowed and high.
I think in the future I will be able to watch those romatic movies. However, now they really bug me. I think in the future I will watch them and think of my parents. They were really in love, repsected each other and took care of each other. I guess I can also thank them for letting me see what a really great marriage is all about. Stupid me, I thought I married the perfect mate to only find out he was an addict. Then stupid me thought that love could solve an addiction. Wrong in my case sometimes love can beat the addiction.
Sorry to be so down but that is were I am right now. I am stuck in the greif over a bad marriage and a good life in the future. I guess right now I am in sort of a "No-Man's" time warp.
Last week I bathed and clipped the geldings all three of them. The are all TB's off the track. They were rescue horses and are truly one of the solid rocks in my life now. Of course, my children and grandkids are my main rock. Well, when I decided to have a life of my own, I signed up for riding lessons. My horses here were as they say lawn ornaments (sp?). I took care of them and would start riding and the AH would come unglued. So I really have not really ridden in five years. He was so demanding- all he wanted was a drinking buddy and a maid. Well, I could take the maid stuff but the drinking buddy was just not me. I soon found that out.
Well, it has been three weeks of 2 lessons a week. I am in heaven. The lady is so great as she also has an AH. She is letting me work off the lessons. I actually have contact with normal people and not all the drunks that would come to my home. I am not running a tavern here anymore!!! I have been riding a very old school horse to get my muscles back in shape. It has been so nice to have contact with people who actually do not live for a drunk. Note I say a drunk instead of a drink. I figure in a two months I should be strong enough to hop on the race horses and begin their much needed training.
I too, would like to have the life of the movies. I think everyone would. However, because of my age I realize I am much past my prime. I did have a second chance at true love and happiness. I thought the A&DH was perfect. When we were dating he always was so kind and sober. Our dates ended always about 9:00 -10:00pm and I thought that was neat. Little did I know that he needed to go home and get plowed and high.
I think in the future I will be able to watch those romatic movies. However, now they really bug me. I think in the future I will watch them and think of my parents. They were really in love, repsected each other and took care of each other. I guess I can also thank them for letting me see what a really great marriage is all about. Stupid me, I thought I married the perfect mate to only find out he was an addict. Then stupid me thought that love could solve an addiction. Wrong in my case sometimes love can beat the addiction.
Sorry to be so down but that is were I am right now. I am stuck in the greif over a bad marriage and a good life in the future. I guess right now I am in sort of a "No-Man's" time warp.
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I love when folk to horsey to me!! The first horse I bought was a sort of rescue mission - of course I said he was an investment. He was a TB 2 yr old who'd be sent twice for breaking for racing but both times had been returned as dangerous.
I remember when I first saw him, he was a straggly (nothing to look at) gawky big kid. Two other grooms were tying to get a cavasson on him but he was head shy - very head shy, enough to be on his hind legs and boxing at them. You know the cavassons for lunging? They 3 have metal loops on the nose band and are heavy and clumsy. I asked them to bring a halter that was simpler and that unbuckled over the nose so that I could put the head piece round his neck and ease it up. It took nearly 20 mins to get the halter on.
After that I should have walked away - not my problem but there was something about the lad, I thought he was scared not nasty. Haltered and on a long line he wasn't so impossible to handle, then I worked him loose to see how he would react to a pole on the floor, to see if he had any guts. I liked him. Last of all after having watched him in a boxing match with the first two grooms I had one more thing to check - I slapped his bum!! I wanted to see if he would move away or come back at me and kick out. I figured if he was nasty and I bought him eventually I'd get booted so I may as well get booted before I own him - but he did no more than nearly jump out his skin!!
I was supposed to be buying a bargain, one to sell on and make money, I wasn't in the finacial position to be an owner for pleasure, my boss thought I was nuts! I agreed to buy Willy for meat money.
He took so damn long to get right he'd eaten his way through any profit!! But he did go from a lunatic with the reputation of the devil to a babe who'd stand in the yard for a bath without being tied - he would follow me like a dog! Eventually his past was just that PAST and he was ready to sell, but I chose a sweet lass with less ability and less money because she was patient. I sold him for £2,000, she also had to sell him because she ended upp without the time to excercise a young TB. But he was safe, good horses rarely fall on bad times.
His last owner bought him for £20,000 he'd gone advanced as an eventer at the age of 6 (which is amazing).
After I had him I bought another youngster who's owner was at her wits end, but she was just marish and athletic - no real problem. This is her loose schooling at 3yrs:
I remember when I first saw him, he was a straggly (nothing to look at) gawky big kid. Two other grooms were tying to get a cavasson on him but he was head shy - very head shy, enough to be on his hind legs and boxing at them. You know the cavassons for lunging? They 3 have metal loops on the nose band and are heavy and clumsy. I asked them to bring a halter that was simpler and that unbuckled over the nose so that I could put the head piece round his neck and ease it up. It took nearly 20 mins to get the halter on.
After that I should have walked away - not my problem but there was something about the lad, I thought he was scared not nasty. Haltered and on a long line he wasn't so impossible to handle, then I worked him loose to see how he would react to a pole on the floor, to see if he had any guts. I liked him. Last of all after having watched him in a boxing match with the first two grooms I had one more thing to check - I slapped his bum!! I wanted to see if he would move away or come back at me and kick out. I figured if he was nasty and I bought him eventually I'd get booted so I may as well get booted before I own him - but he did no more than nearly jump out his skin!!
I was supposed to be buying a bargain, one to sell on and make money, I wasn't in the finacial position to be an owner for pleasure, my boss thought I was nuts! I agreed to buy Willy for meat money.
He took so damn long to get right he'd eaten his way through any profit!! But he did go from a lunatic with the reputation of the devil to a babe who'd stand in the yard for a bath without being tied - he would follow me like a dog! Eventually his past was just that PAST and he was ready to sell, but I chose a sweet lass with less ability and less money because she was patient. I sold him for £2,000, she also had to sell him because she ended upp without the time to excercise a young TB. But he was safe, good horses rarely fall on bad times.
His last owner bought him for £20,000 he'd gone advanced as an eventer at the age of 6 (which is amazing).
After I had him I bought another youngster who's owner was at her wits end, but she was just marish and athletic - no real problem. This is her loose schooling at 3yrs:
Binge poster
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 561
oh boy!
Originally Posted by CodeMaster
Here's something to help change your thought, a rabbit with a pancake on its head... 
I'm so happy to see that a bit of surrealism has crept into this site!
LOLOL!!!
That's made my day! i had to walk away from my desk and I've got a sore stomach. LOLOLOL.
Unfortunately noone in my office can see what all the fuss was about (I sent it round most of the uni, so you've brought joy to many with a simple rabbit with a pancake on its head!)
Oh thank you so much.
Jane
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: north east
Posts: 58
Equus:
He is beautiful- what a fine horse. You have an eye for great horses, such good form over the jump!!!
The horses have helped keep me sane thru this whole Ah thing.
It is just great to post with such a great horsewoman as you. My boys are not even in the same class as your gelding or stud. I sure you miss him!!!
Thanks for the great post and wonderful picture. You sure know what you are talking about!!!! I can only hope that one of my boys will ever reach the level of your horse. However, I doubt they will. As you know it all about what talent God has given the horses and how good the trainer/owner is. I am sure your know the story!!!
Again, thanks for the lovely picture!!!
He is beautiful- what a fine horse. You have an eye for great horses, such good form over the jump!!!
The horses have helped keep me sane thru this whole Ah thing.
It is just great to post with such a great horsewoman as you. My boys are not even in the same class as your gelding or stud. I sure you miss him!!!
Thanks for the great post and wonderful picture. You sure know what you are talking about!!!! I can only hope that one of my boys will ever reach the level of your horse. However, I doubt they will. As you know it all about what talent God has given the horses and how good the trainer/owner is. I am sure your know the story!!!
Again, thanks for the lovely picture!!!
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