Either make amends or start packing.
 

That's what I told AH after F'ing counseling yesterday. In a nutshell, AH is defending his disrespectful behavior towards me two weeks ago to the therapist. The therapist told him that his behavior was inappropriate. Did that stop AH? NO. He just kept going. The therapist finally looks at me and says, "Don't settle. I mean that, Beautiful. Don't EVER settle." I said, "Don't worry. I won't." He said that sometimes people are better off divorced. He said that it was AH job to listen to my needs and fulfill them. The small things he's done were outweighed by the disrespect, then demeaning, then defending the disrespect/demeaning.

F'ing a$$hole.

Therapist now recommends a 5 day intensive marriage encounter versus a long once a week drawn out affair. I don't want to go. If AH isn't in our marriage now, I can't begin to think that we have "Marital" issues to solve. We have property/custody issues to solve.

At any rate, I have told AH that I will make my decision in 30 days. During that time, he is to arrange for 2 dates and make amends for his behavior two weeks ago. I need to see POSTIVE movement on his part. No action is also an answer.

I guess I just need to be held up today. It'll be a hard one.

Good for you Beautiful. I'm glad you set very clear boundaries, and your therapist is reaffirming them... you'll do great at keeping them, I'm sure! Keep focusing on you and what you need and want! Things will work out great for you no matter what... as long as you keep looking out for you!!

:-) Shannon

Beautiful,

I am wondering if you are clear about what you want...and if your aren't clear about it yourself how can you tell him? And how can you know it when you see it down the road after you've dumped his body?

Don't get me wrong...he is likely the jerk you say he is...but defining exactly what you want is the only clear way to see how short he is of your goal. Or if there is any hope that he can measure up.

((Hugs))
JT

Hey Beautiful,hmmm,he said that it was AH "job" to listen to my needs and fulfil them???...........Folks don't make me happy/fill my needs,i make myself happy/fulfil my own needs,,and those around me,add to what i am,already inside.
Yupper if i was cornered ,by 2 people,id probably haul out something.,with my words,,in my defence,if attack like this.lol..Amends is mine to make.My decision,to make and to whom,where and how and when.Its not on demand from anyone.Nor anyone elses decision to make for me.And i do this as im recovery,which is a process to do.My sponsor helps me with this.Guides me through.Takes time...to reconize my part in it.,where ive caused harm.I have to see this.Not have it pushed in my face.I need to reconize the hurt ive caused,others,and learn from this,so as not to repeat my behaviour..Learn about my charater defects,one at a time..And then make my sincere amends to others.,that comes from my heart,and i mean my amends..Whats your part in all of this????Your inventory?Your recovery?Your amends???Healing comes inside myself.No matter what others are doing.We are not bad folks.Sick folks learning a new way to live.Takes 2 to tango.Alcoholism is a family disease.All have played,their own, parts in da issues...Healing is an inside job....

Right. I understand about making demands --but this isn't a demand. I can see my life clearly without AH. I am happy with myself and by myself. I am complete without any man or any relationship. Where I'm at is that I am moving on. Either he can work with me or stay behind. The rut that I'm in is over and, if my marriage is over at that point, then so be it. I'm not angry but I am fed up with the lack of progress. AH says that he is in "recovery" but contributes nothing to our marital relationship. And, it *does* take TWO to have a relationship. I think this is my awakening to go on with life. Also, AH was still cocky about his demeaning behavior -- justifying it as a "boundary." Boundaries NEVER allow disrespect and to say anything to the contrary is ludicrous.

I make amends as I go along. I haven't had a problem with that. My problem was with denial which has landed me where I'm at. What I'm saying is that to have a relationship takes TWO people. And, if one of the people isn't contributing now (or ever in my case) then it's time to set your boundaries, make plans A and B, and execute those plans. THAT is what the counselor was saying. I'll have a much larger problem than a divorce if my small children learn that women are human punching bags and beholding to their master (spoken loosely) for what life has to offer.

So, I do take a bit of exception to the last post but I appreciate your input.

To me, it sounds like the boundary is wanting an amends... and it sounds like the consequence is leaving. I think that's pretty clear. It's not unreasonable to expect your spouse to respect you and take responsibility for unacceptable behavior. NOW, if Beautiful's husband doesn't think his behavior was acceptable, which that sounds like that's the case, he won't ever want to make an amends. To me that means she's entitled to move on and find someone who can respect her in the way she needs, and he needs to find someone who will accept him the way he is (b/c he's clearly not going to change now).

Cap, you're right. I don't rely on people to make me happy, but I also don't like to surround myself with people who intentionally make me miserable. If I'm honest with myself and my husband about what I want out of life, and we can't agree on what is reasonable... then it sounds like we have a stalemate, and it may very well be that each of us is settling on something less than what we deserve. If I express what I want, and he agrees to it... and then does something completely opposite, well that's a broken agreement and that's no good.

A successful marriage means being flexible, but if only one person is bending... eventually they are going to snap.

GettingBy -- You said it perfectly. Amen.

Getting by is totally right on!

Good for you beautiful for standing up for what YOU want from a relationship!!

I agree - I think you should be very proud of yourself for standing up for yourself !

Either way it will be in my best interest. It doesn't make it any easier, though......

You hated the idea of counselling from the get go. Do what you have to do to make yourself happy and free of anger and pain.

But it still amazes me that they can justify their actions. In their iddy biddy minds, they're right...but then, it's always about them.

Chin up Beautiful. Keep on truckin'.

The A's thought process is distinctly different from the healthy thought process.

What we see as up, they see as down.
What we see as right, they see as wrong.
What we think is appropriate, they see as inappropriate

So, its futile to try to force our viewpoint on them (ie: his bad behavior). He just aint gonna see it, til he see's it on his own. Trying to force someone to "see the light", is like trying to nail jello to a tree and make it stay. Futile.

Do what you gotta do to make you happy, with no expectation he is gonna "See it and be sorry". And what if he does say he's sorry? What then,...that dont mean diddly,,its the ACTIONS that mean something. Besdies, he may just apologize to placate you.

Actions, our and thiers, mean stuff!

:Lmao :Lmao Nail jello to a tree. That is so incredibly funny -- yet *sigh* so incredibly true.