Buster

We have a wedding coming up in 2 weeks time - it is a very good friend of mine....H is in early recovery almost 5 months and we have been advised by our aftercare group NOT to go to the wedding meal - just to go to the church.
I am totally aware of the temptations of being at a table with drinks flying around etc etc.. and it may not have an effect that day but in the days afterwards....but H says he wants to go and has no problem with it...bear in mind he did have a "slip" about 3 weeks ago..
Has anyone had any experience of this...we are told in early recovery to avoid "people, places and things "
Any advice would be welcomed

Cap3

Hey Buster,from the Big book,of AA..Assuming we are spiritual fit we can do all sorts of things alcoholics are not suppose to do.People have said we must not go where liquor is served,we must not have it in our homes we must shun friends who drink we must avoid moving pictures which show drinking scenes,we must not go into bars,our friends must hide their bottles if we go to their houses,we mustn"t think or be reminded about alcohol at all.Our experience shows that this is not necessarily so.We meet these conditions every day.An alcoholic who cannot meet them,still has an alcoholic mind,there is something the matter with his spiritual status.His only chance for soberiety would be some place like the Greenland Ice Cap and even there an Eskimo might turn up with a bottle of scotch and ruin everything.Ask any women who has sent her husband to distanct places on the theory he would escape the alcohol problem..........
Can go anywheres as long as im ....spiritually fit....There"s the key,...It was a progress,to change.My hub was still active,in my early soberiety,and we had da booze in our home.didn't bother me one bit.For,through God,s Grace, i had,had...enough.of my own drinking.
Congrats to your man,on 5 months...

Beautiful

You can only control yourself. What he does is his business. If he says he's ready to go, then go. You're not his parent, you're his partner.

minnie

Buster, this is really for your husband to judge. There is no avoiding alcohol in our society and especially in Ireland, I know. Alcoholics have to learn how to deal with not drinking in a drinking world. Maybe have an escape plan so that if your H is getting twitchy you can make your excuses and leave. Like having to get back for the babysitter or something. It would be a shame to miss the celebrations. It's usually after the meal that things get a bit messy, in my experience.

Buster

Beautiful...I am not trying to control him....he says he wants to go...but I have a feeling he is saying it for my benfit - he doesn't want me to be dissapointed by not going. On the one hand I am quite happy to leave after the Church but on the other hand I would love to stay for all the celebrations and stay in the hotel for the night..

Minnie - Alcohol is the main social outlet here so everything revolves around drinking...but are we not right to not put people in the difficult sitation with regard to this?? This is what we are being told by our group - up to 2 years avoid people, places and things until the person is stronger in their receovery ?? I am so confused

we still have some time to talk more about it...so I guess we will reach a compromise before the big day.

GettingBy

Buster,
I don't think YOU are putting him anywhere. If he says go, let go and TRUST him. It's his recovery. Support him while he's there, and especially afterwards. Be fun, go dance, laugh, enjoy the time with him so you BOTH can see that life can be and IS fun without alcohol... even weddings ;-) And then afterwards, you BOTH can look back and say, "Yeah! Wow! We had a really good time and we didn't have to drink to do it!"

It's a program of ATTRACTION rather than promotion, right? So go and enjoy life that's what will give him the support he needs!!
:-) Shannon

JT

Buster...you can't read his mind. You could just ask him if he is going for you. And if he is...why couldn't you just go yourself?

closethippie

Buster,here in UK,going to the pub,alcohol is the main outlet for citizens. My husband is of the belief that if a event doesn't involve some sort of alcohol,then why go. Whereas your husband is a recovering AA. You said he slipped three weeks ago. What does your husband say about this wedding? Does he think he can handle the reception and the 'TEMPTATION' of alcohol? What are his thoughts are this?
Don't think you are trying to control husband. Just trying to get the best advice on a difficult situation. You aren't sure which way to turn and are looking for ideas which will best suit the parties involved. Good luck.

CarolD

some things I found helpful...I passed it on to another female alcoholic. chamge the gender and use the tips!

Carry around a glass of Tonic/Line then you say "No Thanks I have one."

Dance a lot. Pour water in your glass for the toast.

Go to the Ladies just before the cork is popped.

Go late leave early. Take your own car.

Buster

Thanks for all the advice - I appreciate your help and you have given me food for thought x

KATIE77

I just wanted to share my experience with you. A friend of mine/ours was getting married. She really wanted us both to be at the wedding and the meal etc but as he (now exAB) was going I couldnt cope with it. I was so fed up of "embarassments". My friend understood and was fine. Well he went anyhow. He got his ass out in front of everyone (nearly gave her mother heart failure!!) then at the reception danced and rolled around like a loony. He slid over the floor and wrecked the hire suit. Lo and behold I had a call at 2am to say he had ruined the wedding could I go fetch him. I said no. Not my problem anymore. I guess the temptation for him was just too great.

HOWEVER, your AB is in recovery and from the sounds of it doing really good. You could go together and be so proud. Maybe him getting through the wedding sober will be a huge strengh and motivation to continue his recovery????
See what happens - go enjoy, smile and dance!

pmaslan

When my exA had 30 days of sobriety he decided he was ready and able to attend a benefit for a friend of ours who has cancer. Not only was just about every person that was there drinking, there were 2 additional bars set up along with the main bar. If that wasn't bad enough there were raffles every 15 minutes for bottles of liquor. He did well with his bottle of water in hand all night long. However 2 days later he fell into complete relapse. As you mentioned in your initial post, yes sometimes the relapse is delayed a day or so later. Again he had 30 days sobriety your H has several months.
Love, Patty

pistol

I have only 7 days of soberity and haven't had a problem with social situations for probably 18 months, i could take it or leave it, mostly leave it - determined not to drink and drive; my partner has been treating me differenlty for the last 6 months due to my telling him that i was trying to stop, i know that in some ways he is trying to be supportive and in other ways he isn't comfortable drinking around me, but for me part of the time i feel like he can't have fun with me unless one or both of us is drinking, and i also feel like he is ashamed to be out with me because he is afraid i will drink or he is afraid someone will find out that i'm an alcoholic (sober or drunk); all i can do is try, and i don't want to be treated like i am less of a person or that someone has to monitor my behavior, i am an adult who has choices and i want to make them myself;

FriendofBill

Temptation will ALWAYS be there for an alcoholic.
But it is HIS r-e-s-p-s-o-n-s-i-b-i-l-i-t-y to deal with it.

His, not yours, not mine, not mom's, not no one's.

Why dont you give him the gift of dignity and let him make his own decision as to how he should handle things today?

He's a man. He gets to decide the things he wants to control or not.

We get to decide our choices, so does he.

gelfling

We went to a wedding in November. Our son (recovering) was home and was invited also. As usual the booze flowed. Being without alcohol in our lives, hubby and I, we thought the place smelled. Son thought it smelled like a dirty bar.

Anyway, took our son to the airport so he could go back and managed to remain sober for all of 10 minutes after he boarded the plane. He said the wedding was just too much for him. He continued drinking until he moved home at Christmas and Thank God will celebrate 6 months the 20th.

Each person is different. I've seen it with my husband and a nephew who claimed it didn't bother them and it didn't. Our son totally freaked out. He's playing a wedding in the fall and said he wasn't going to the reception. Eventhough they're having an ice cream sundae bar for dessert. I thought it was a little premature for him to make such a decision, but he's busting a$$ working his program. I have respect his wishes.

As someone above mentioned, why not go by yourself. You may find that because of the current circumstances you're going to be totally on guard and watch his every move and not get a chance to enjoy yourself.

Lot to think about. Good luck in your decision.