I'm in love with an alcoholic....
Just A Diva With A Purpose
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Texas
Posts: 297
Jeez--sounds like your rationalizing and justifying. Sometimes when we get a dose or reality we are uncomfortable and want to lash out. If it doesn't kill you--it'll make you stronger. Good luck with your choices.
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: El Paso, Tx
Posts: 5,862
Please give it some time, give it some thought, and seek out some support in your area. You may want to check out www.sa.org. No, I must agree, he has issues that probably need to addressed before you tie the knot. That yucky feeling in the pit of your stomach is something you should listen to.
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Northern CA
Posts: 1,432
Hi, jakester,
Men and women can have dramatically different attitudes about viewing erotic material, even right down to the definition of pornography. I don't think anyone on these forums can say that his viewing it is an addiction or a compulsive behavior. It may have nothing to do with his/your previous substance abuse issues.
People here have made a lot of assumptions, moving to child porn and perversion and so on. But it's an issue between you, and it will come up again in other contexts. Your own self-image issues, 'controlling' aspects of his behavior that you've alluded to, and more. Open communication about it is going to be really important. So I'm glad to hear you're going to see a counselor together.
Take care,
Don S
Men and women can have dramatically different attitudes about viewing erotic material, even right down to the definition of pornography. I don't think anyone on these forums can say that his viewing it is an addiction or a compulsive behavior. It may have nothing to do with his/your previous substance abuse issues.
People here have made a lot of assumptions, moving to child porn and perversion and so on. But it's an issue between you, and it will come up again in other contexts. Your own self-image issues, 'controlling' aspects of his behavior that you've alluded to, and more. Open communication about it is going to be really important. So I'm glad to hear you're going to see a counselor together.
Take care,
Don S
Member
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Melbourne Florida
Posts: 6
Hello Jakester,
I'm sorry if I came across harsh or jumping to conclusions, I did say I tend to do that sometimes with these matters. But you did say this in your post and that got my attention. Again I'm sorry if I took it out of context.
"including with young girls. We have been talking about marriage and children - and he especially want a daughter "
I'm happy to hear he has agreed to counceling.
Take good care of you.
I'm sorry if I came across harsh or jumping to conclusions, I did say I tend to do that sometimes with these matters. But you did say this in your post and that got my attention. Again I'm sorry if I took it out of context.
"including with young girls. We have been talking about marriage and children - and he especially want a daughter "
I'm happy to hear he has agreed to counceling.
Take good care of you.
"The BAND" workshop ROCKS!
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Indianapolis, Indiana
Posts: 1,502
I may be putting my manhood on the chopping block, but I too am drawn to these images. Perhaps it is another addiction taking over where one left off. I don't know.
I'm not defending his or any man's actions but here are a couple of things to ponder. First, AA programs in my city proclaim that we are not ready for steady man-woman relations until one year of sobriety. We are jokingly encouraged to masturbate, use porn, whatever, but don't mess with women. The reasoning goes that if the relationship goes bad we will want to pick up, if it goes well we may wish to celebrate and pick up- either way we are DEAD.
Soft porn in magazine form has generally been regarded as 'mostly harmless' by society at large (I'm talking about Playboy or general nudity here). However, the single largest user of the internet is PORN sites, they are everywhere and if you go to a seemingly innocent one, the crudity gets ramped up with 'pop-ups' until you're viewing things you normally would be uncomfortable with. Yes it is addictive and once you've seen certain things it is difficult to 'un-see' them. Is a guy at fault, yes. Does the industry thrive on our base instincts- you bet. DVD's are everywhere and you can't hardly turn on network tv without some young thing squirming about in a bikini in Fear Factor, or topics like masturbation, lesbianism cropping up every night. This is network, prime time tv. We are being inundated by an onslaught of these images on CD covers, magazines, even the way high school girls dress like little tramps these days (the Brittany or Christina look).
Are we to wear blinders until married, forego even our urges to please ourselves without outside stimulation? I agree that a man, once in a serious relationship, should show a measure of respect for his women and women in general and abstain from these images, unless in a agreed upon role play with his S.O.
The snooping of computer files, lying and general suspicion in this case do not bear glad tidings for a happy future. Am I entirely off base here?
I'm not defending his or any man's actions but here are a couple of things to ponder. First, AA programs in my city proclaim that we are not ready for steady man-woman relations until one year of sobriety. We are jokingly encouraged to masturbate, use porn, whatever, but don't mess with women. The reasoning goes that if the relationship goes bad we will want to pick up, if it goes well we may wish to celebrate and pick up- either way we are DEAD.
Soft porn in magazine form has generally been regarded as 'mostly harmless' by society at large (I'm talking about Playboy or general nudity here). However, the single largest user of the internet is PORN sites, they are everywhere and if you go to a seemingly innocent one, the crudity gets ramped up with 'pop-ups' until you're viewing things you normally would be uncomfortable with. Yes it is addictive and once you've seen certain things it is difficult to 'un-see' them. Is a guy at fault, yes. Does the industry thrive on our base instincts- you bet. DVD's are everywhere and you can't hardly turn on network tv without some young thing squirming about in a bikini in Fear Factor, or topics like masturbation, lesbianism cropping up every night. This is network, prime time tv. We are being inundated by an onslaught of these images on CD covers, magazines, even the way high school girls dress like little tramps these days (the Brittany or Christina look).
Are we to wear blinders until married, forego even our urges to please ourselves without outside stimulation? I agree that a man, once in a serious relationship, should show a measure of respect for his women and women in general and abstain from these images, unless in a agreed upon role play with his S.O.
The snooping of computer files, lying and general suspicion in this case do not bear glad tidings for a happy future. Am I entirely off base here?
"The BAND" workshop ROCKS!
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Indianapolis, Indiana
Posts: 1,502
jeepers I thought there'd be some comment re my post of yesterday by now. Anyone agree/disagree. Just want to see if today's modern male feeling 'baited' by technology and clothing choices was valid or not.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Parker, CO
Posts: 495
My father in law had an addiction to sexual type stuff. There is an organization for that that is like AA except for sexual addiction. There is also a support group like Alanon for the family members/friends.
I would go ahead and tell him this is a problem for you esp if you want to marry. It is an addiction. It's not something you hear about a lot, but probably more people have it than we know.
I wish you peace/serenity as you deal w/this situation.
I would go ahead and tell him this is a problem for you esp if you want to marry. It is an addiction. It's not something you hear about a lot, but probably more people have it than we know.
I wish you peace/serenity as you deal w/this situation.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: California
Posts: 972
With all due respect, Jakester's guy who likes porno is in recovery. One addiction easily takes the place of another... So I think it does belong in this forum, it's just that the thread has gone other places. I find porno to be degrading to women and I'm just tired of being treated like a piece of meat.. well, now an older ding bat former piece of meat!!!
You like porno.. go for it. But the first rule of addiction is doing something that is selfish, inconsiderate and dishonest. If the woman (or man!) in your life hates porno and thinks less of you for using it, then I'd say there's a big problem. We can't keep banging our heads against the wall and expect different results!
(((roadie))) You have a great head on your shoulders and I like reading your posts! Keep writing AND keep from using!
yours in sobriety,
Michele
You like porno.. go for it. But the first rule of addiction is doing something that is selfish, inconsiderate and dishonest. If the woman (or man!) in your life hates porno and thinks less of you for using it, then I'd say there's a big problem. We can't keep banging our heads against the wall and expect different results!
(((roadie))) You have a great head on your shoulders and I like reading your posts! Keep writing AND keep from using!
yours in sobriety,
Michele
Member
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: north carolina
Posts: 365
Leave it to a drunk (and I am one) to only think of themselves AND to cause harm to their partner and blame them for ruining THEIR day! He may have a couple years without booze but it's clear the porn addiction is keeping him from having an honest relationship with himself and his motives. He is still in denial that it's HIM that's the sick puppy. Anyone out there know a woman (or a man) who would say to their partner in life "Oh yeah honey, hope you really enjoy viewing your pornography today and have a good hard on without me!" ??? I think not. sheesh, unbelievable!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: nowheresville
Posts: 872
If he isn't willing to work on it I'd say it's a deal breaker. I wouldn't want to marry or have kids with someone who is addicted to not only porn but child porn on top of it.
I'd say really put the brakes on for awhile.
Well I'd really say get out of the relationship.
Ngaire
I'd say really put the brakes on for awhile.
Well I'd really say get out of the relationship.
Ngaire
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: over yonder
Posts: 1,548
Another thought, Does he have a sponser?? Has he done his 4th and 5th steps???
I would like to suggest that you try going to AA meetings on nights he does not go.
He may be sitting there thinking, "What is she thinking", You going to the same meeting may not leave him to listen as he should, also after meetings some of the men get together and talk if they are there alone. I get the feeling he doesn't really have a good program going.
Always remember we all care about you, and want the best for you.
Just TAKE WHAT YOU CAN USE AND LEAVE THE REST. Keep comeing back.
clancy46
I would like to suggest that you try going to AA meetings on nights he does not go.
He may be sitting there thinking, "What is she thinking", You going to the same meeting may not leave him to listen as he should, also after meetings some of the men get together and talk if they are there alone. I get the feeling he doesn't really have a good program going.
Always remember we all care about you, and want the best for you.
Just TAKE WHAT YOU CAN USE AND LEAVE THE REST. Keep comeing back.
clancy46
"The BAND" workshop ROCKS!
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Indianapolis, Indiana
Posts: 1,502
Thanks to moderators for keeping this thread alive and moving it to a more proper location.
I feel that my draw to pornography wouldn't be as strong if I was in a real relationship, but feel like I've been ruined by all this self-abuse. I can't turn back the hands of time and not see the things I've seen, but can I become a 'normal' person capable of loving relationships again?
I feel that my draw to pornography wouldn't be as strong if I was in a real relationship, but feel like I've been ruined by all this self-abuse. I can't turn back the hands of time and not see the things I've seen, but can I become a 'normal' person capable of loving relationships again?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: St. Paul MN
Posts: 58
I just want to say that judging people is one of the most common defects of character that many Code's and al-anoners find on their journey of self-discovery. Another is control. You cannot change another human being and to keep trying with all your might is the definition of insanity. If you are against porn and you would prefer to be with someone who does not view the material, then set your boundary and move on. Do not expect him to change. Do not label him as a porn addict. Do not try and control him. Set YOUR boundaries and make YOUR decisions based on YOUR personal "rules". My personal opinion about pornography is mine alone, my RAH has his own opinions and I accept that because it doesn't bother me that much. Men who view pornographic material are not automatically deviants or sex addicts. Within the confines of a healthy sexual relationship all things are game as long as both partners agree. If they don't agree, then compromises need to be made or they need to end the relationship....easy as pie. You cannot change another person to suit your needs. A tough pill to swallow? yes, but that's the way it goes. Counseling is needed in this area because you both are not communicating effectively...your snooping (which is just as bad as hiding) and he is hiding things. Maybe he knew what your reaction would be? He also seems to want to change your appearance...which is a whole nother ball game. Go to counseling and decide if you can live with it or not....work on your communication....don't judge you AH so harshly until you know the whole story.
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
Well, here's my my feeling on the subject. And you all know that I don't beat around the bush, so here I go. You say that your AB is viewing pornography of young girls--girls who may actually be 18 years old, but who look younger than 18. Well, that may be legal, and he may be following the letter of the law, but it's clear to me that if he's viewing pornographic materials of young girls who still look like children, that he's turned on by children and he may well be a pedophile.
You may not have liked the answers you've received here, but you did ask for advice. I would NEVER consider marrying a man who becomes sexually excited when he views young girls, especially those who resemble children. And I would definitely NEVER have children with him.
We may all be wrong, but then again, we could be right. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life wondering if he's a pedophile or not? And would you be comfortable leaving your children alone with him one day? If the answers to any of these questions are no, then walk away now. If he is a pedophile, he cannot be changed. There is no treatment for pedophiles. They are not reformable.
There are too many fine men in this world to be settling for a man who's an admitted alcoholic, a possible porn addict, a possible pedophile, and one who's controling, blames his problems on you, and wishes you to change your appearance to suit him. You deserve so much better than this.
You may not have liked the responses you've received here, but you asked for our advice. Based on the information you've shared here, this is not a healthy relationship. If I were you, I would not only walk away from this man, I would run.
You may not have liked the answers you've received here, but you did ask for advice. I would NEVER consider marrying a man who becomes sexually excited when he views young girls, especially those who resemble children. And I would definitely NEVER have children with him.
We may all be wrong, but then again, we could be right. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life wondering if he's a pedophile or not? And would you be comfortable leaving your children alone with him one day? If the answers to any of these questions are no, then walk away now. If he is a pedophile, he cannot be changed. There is no treatment for pedophiles. They are not reformable.
There are too many fine men in this world to be settling for a man who's an admitted alcoholic, a possible porn addict, a possible pedophile, and one who's controling, blames his problems on you, and wishes you to change your appearance to suit him. You deserve so much better than this.
You may not have liked the responses you've received here, but you asked for our advice. Based on the information you've shared here, this is not a healthy relationship. If I were you, I would not only walk away from this man, I would run.
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