pattons

Hey Y'all!
I am the mother of an alcoholic daughter who is a senior in college. She has been sober almost 4 years.
She has recently been studying in Italy for four weeks. I learned thru her roommate's blog that my daughter has begun to drink again while there.
Her classes will be ending this weekend and she is planning to travel around for 2-3 weeks after that. This has all been and will be on my dime. It had my blessing until now. I feel I should not fund the trip any longer and that her disease may be raising its ugly head again. I am torn between feeling like I need to contol my assets/not fund her drinking and wondering if my real motive is trying to control her. Which is right?
Thanks.

walkingtheline

Welcome Pattons, you're among friends here.

What a quandry!

First of all, are you CERTAIN the roommate's blog is accurate? Could it be part fantasy? Is it possible she's confusing a glass of ... anything from cola to sparkling water for alcohol?

Are you considering stranding your daughter in Italy?

I don't blame you for not wanting to fund her addiction. I'm just asking if you're sure of the facts.

pattons

No I'm not thinking of stranding her, just asking her to cut short the trip and come home at the end of the classwork portion instead of traveling around Europe for three more weeks.

Yes, I am sure of it. I did read some of her e-mails too after I became suspicious.

splendra

((((pattons))))

Welcome to sober recovery. We are all here for eachother.

I think if you promised to fund her trip for 3 weeks you ought to stand by your word. If she drinks she drinks. If you cut it short you may end up alienating your daughter. Also do you think cutting her trip short will keep her from drinking?:nono:it won't.

It has been my experience that people in dysfunctional families have very poor personal boundries. What is this reading of her e-mail about? That could make anyone very angry....

walkingtheline

I thought you were saying you read emails FROM her TO you...Splenda is thinking you were in HER private mail. hmmmm....

Here's my take. She's your daughter, you love her dearly. She became an A in her teens and thankfully became sober. Now, four years later, you have indications that she's had a relapse.

She's in college. She had an opportunity to study in Italy and to "see the world" or at least a part of it. You recognized how enriching that could be and said, "Yes, go for it!" You're paying the bills.

I suspect that if she's relapsed she would have done so no matter WHERE she was physically, whether living at home, at college, or in Italy.

If the deal you made included a clause that said "if you drink it's off" then yes, you have every right to enforce the deal. If it didn't, perhaps this has become a control issue.

It's such a hard one to call. On one hand I can see the possible worrry...the What Ifs must be HUGE when they're in another country far far from home. And while she may be legally an adult, she's still dependent upon you as she's still in school. *SIGH*

I can only speak for me. I would allow her to finish the trip, again, unless the caveat mentioned above was involved. A deals a deal. While she's finishing the trip I would gather every piece of information at my disposal to be confident in my NEXT step when she returns home.

She's a senior. Almost ready to face the world. As her mom I'm sure you want her healthy, confident, and ready to face the world. Once you've gathered all the info you can discuss this with her upon her return, a frank discussion about her health, her future and her addiction. You have every right to not want to fund her addictions but attempting to control her with the purse strings will only frustrate both of you.

If you are not involved with al-anon I strongly urge you to find a local group.
You can find a wealth of knowledge from the program itself and from the other members. Read everything you can. You can only change YOU but there are ways to find peace within your own heart. I hope we'll see more of you here, you ARE among friends.

pattons

Thanks so much for the insight. I know I crossed a boundary in reading her e-mails to her BF that included talk of how she hasn't had anything to drink in 2 days.
"Walkingtheline"--do you mean to keep gathering info from her private e-mail too?
I am feeling like I need to stop that, but that the blog from her roommate is ok since it is a public website.
I am thinking much clearer today. I have decided (after my al-anon meeting) to let her stay and not really address it till she gets home as someone here suggested also.
I have gotten consistent answers from you all, Al-anon, friends, etc. Clarity is coming.
I am really fearful, but she is really young not to have "tried" alcohol again "just to see" or whatever.
I had not discussed "drinking" as a possible component of her trip. It was just an assumption on my part. I doubt she had any idea it would be in her face so much over there.
Thanks again.

walkingtheline

I would stay out of her private email.

One, she is entitled to her privacy and two, It just drags you deeper into the drama. You don't really need details.

I'm so glad you're feeling better...stay strong, take care of YOU, take the necessary steps you know you need to take.

Hope we see more of you here, there's lots of wisdom and it's chock full of folks who can honestly say, I UNDERSTAND.

robina

Pattons-

I understand the frantic, anxious feelings of having an alcoholic daughter. Mine is 22 and one month sober. The fact that your daughter is in Italy must be a terrible worry for you. If anything happens due to the drinking, she is on another continent....

It's good that you are gaining some perspective on this issue. Alanon is such a lifesaver.

If I was in your shoes I would be in a quandary because I would be worried about her safety, but at the same time I agree that you should probably allow her to stay. Either way, its a tough issue to deal with...

Peace and Blessings

Robin