HELP! I'm coming out of my denial
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: The Basement
Posts: 724
HELP! I'm coming out of my denial
I am really scared because I think I'm finally starting to see what's in front of me. My A husband and I, well actually just I had a bad day with his addiction. He slept all day while I had to carry on our life with our house, 3 kids (one infant), 2 dogs..blah blah. In other words, just a normal Saturday to me.
Except one thing, now when the A is passed out and the kids are asleep I read the posts here. Tonight i had a real eye opener and I just don't know what to do. I was reading a post on the naranon board about people thinking marijuana is not as bad as other substances. All the things people were saying in the past tense IS ME NOW....That they didn't think pot was so bad and they let their husbands grow it in the tomato garden. I did that! and that they learned it was enabling them and they were foolish to allow it. I thought I was detaching by letting him just do his thing and not trying to control his behavior anymore. I thought I was doing so well and now I am just so confused!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I posted a pretty desperate reply that didn't have much to do with the initial post. Sorry scaredmom
I used to threaten and not let any substance in our house. Every once and a while I would find something. I hated the lying and the deception more than anything so I told him to just do what he needs to do and he's been smoking pot every day since. Am I enabaling, am I being foolish am I in denial?????????
If that wasn't bad enough.....I read on.....and things just got worse, I read a post about telling people about what goes on with their A. Well, I like these boards so much because I haven't told anyone not even my best friends. Most of my friend have been in recovery from drugs and alcohol for a long time and I am scared of the judgement and that everone will think I should leave. I am not ready yet. I have not told me parents because even though they would be supportive of me I feel like they won't like my A anymore and now they adore him. I have just been avoiding his family, he doesn't make much of an effort there either but I was always being a good codependent, returning their calls, buying the birthday presents, taking care of all his corespondence with his family because he just ignores it. His mother would call and invite us to brunch for his brothers birthday. He would just ignore it but I would feel like I would have to call and acknowledge the invite. I even bought his mother a mothers day present . He didn't even call her. My mother says it's my job to be the social director and that all men are dysfunctional in this respect. Does anyone else have this problem and do you pick up all the slack to keep everything roses and gumdrops. I think I am realizing that I am afraid of appearances. Oh gosh.....that's pathetic. The bottom line is I am ASHAMED but I'm also in pain. My husband has forbid me to tell anyone because he's worried about his custody with my stepson and he should be worried his ex is just waiting to take him to court to get more custody. She lost her son due to alcohol but she has cleaned up and is in recovery.
It would be so good for me to tell people closest to me what's going on but what I have realized tonight is that if I do that it is the beginning of the end. I am so sdcared, I just don't know what to do.
Except one thing, now when the A is passed out and the kids are asleep I read the posts here. Tonight i had a real eye opener and I just don't know what to do. I was reading a post on the naranon board about people thinking marijuana is not as bad as other substances. All the things people were saying in the past tense IS ME NOW....That they didn't think pot was so bad and they let their husbands grow it in the tomato garden. I did that! and that they learned it was enabling them and they were foolish to allow it. I thought I was detaching by letting him just do his thing and not trying to control his behavior anymore. I thought I was doing so well and now I am just so confused!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I posted a pretty desperate reply that didn't have much to do with the initial post. Sorry scaredmom
I used to threaten and not let any substance in our house. Every once and a while I would find something. I hated the lying and the deception more than anything so I told him to just do what he needs to do and he's been smoking pot every day since. Am I enabaling, am I being foolish am I in denial?????????
If that wasn't bad enough.....I read on.....and things just got worse, I read a post about telling people about what goes on with their A. Well, I like these boards so much because I haven't told anyone not even my best friends. Most of my friend have been in recovery from drugs and alcohol for a long time and I am scared of the judgement and that everone will think I should leave. I am not ready yet. I have not told me parents because even though they would be supportive of me I feel like they won't like my A anymore and now they adore him. I have just been avoiding his family, he doesn't make much of an effort there either but I was always being a good codependent, returning their calls, buying the birthday presents, taking care of all his corespondence with his family because he just ignores it. His mother would call and invite us to brunch for his brothers birthday. He would just ignore it but I would feel like I would have to call and acknowledge the invite. I even bought his mother a mothers day present . He didn't even call her. My mother says it's my job to be the social director and that all men are dysfunctional in this respect. Does anyone else have this problem and do you pick up all the slack to keep everything roses and gumdrops. I think I am realizing that I am afraid of appearances. Oh gosh.....that's pathetic. The bottom line is I am ASHAMED but I'm also in pain. My husband has forbid me to tell anyone because he's worried about his custody with my stepson and he should be worried his ex is just waiting to take him to court to get more custody. She lost her son due to alcohol but she has cleaned up and is in recovery.
It would be so good for me to tell people closest to me what's going on but what I have realized tonight is that if I do that it is the beginning of the end. I am so sdcared, I just don't know what to do.
Guest
Posts: n/a
Searching,
You are doing what you are supposed to do. You don't have to tell anyone yet or ever. Your A is an adult and can make his own decisions concerning his addiction. You can't control him. He has a right to make his own decisions. You on the other hand have a right to make your own decisions. This is really about you. It is not about him. You can't change him. You can change you. He knows how you feel about his using. He chooses to use. You can't do anything about that.
So now what are you going to do? The answers will come. Your awareness is increasing. You will be able to live happily with your A or happily on your own.
I would be concerned about growing it in the tomato garden. That could also get you in trouble. I would not let that happen.
Hugs,
MG
You are doing what you are supposed to do. You don't have to tell anyone yet or ever. Your A is an adult and can make his own decisions concerning his addiction. You can't control him. He has a right to make his own decisions. You on the other hand have a right to make your own decisions. This is really about you. It is not about him. You can't change him. You can change you. He knows how you feel about his using. He chooses to use. You can't do anything about that.
So now what are you going to do? The answers will come. Your awareness is increasing. You will be able to live happily with your A or happily on your own.
I would be concerned about growing it in the tomato garden. That could also get you in trouble. I would not let that happen.
Hugs,
MG
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Searching
Try not to be scared or overwhelmed. You don't have to do ANYTHING today.
You have already done positive things about this, by coming here, reading the posts, and being honest with yourself about your situation. That is a huge step and this program is often about baby steps, so pat yourself on the back and take a deep breath (well maybe not all at the same time LOL).
Even though I am going to offer some suggestions, realize that you don't have to do this right now or all at once, just make the moves if and when you are ready, okay?
You are raising 3 children. For them to be exposed to seeing marijuana smoked or grown is probably not a good thing. As they become toddlers, they can get into it. It would be better for everyone if it wasn't grown on your property. And it is your property too, so you get a say in this.
Second, about the denial. You may think that nobody knows, but you may be very surprised what they may already suspect. We call denial having an elephant in our living room because we step around it and pretend it isn't there, but in truth it is in clear view.
If you have someone close that you want to confide in, that is your right. You don't have to lie or cover for him. You have the right to be honest, and an onligation to yourself to be,\. This doesn't mean you have to run around ratting him out, but it means that you can share with whoever you want.
And I know that he will not like any of this. As codependents, we worry more about what will upset them and not what is already upsetting us. Think about what you want you boundaries to be. Make sure that you can carry them through, or you will lose your credibility of boundaries. And decide not to participate in his chaos anymore. As JT often says, we learn to stop reacting and instead to respond when tempers are cool and they are not using.
I don't know if any of this will help, but working a program will. IF you haven't been to meetings, try going to a few. The real life support you find there can help you get through this.
And we are all here for you too.
Just do it when you are ready, and do it one day at a time.
Try not to be scared or overwhelmed. You don't have to do ANYTHING today.
You have already done positive things about this, by coming here, reading the posts, and being honest with yourself about your situation. That is a huge step and this program is often about baby steps, so pat yourself on the back and take a deep breath (well maybe not all at the same time LOL).
Even though I am going to offer some suggestions, realize that you don't have to do this right now or all at once, just make the moves if and when you are ready, okay?
You are raising 3 children. For them to be exposed to seeing marijuana smoked or grown is probably not a good thing. As they become toddlers, they can get into it. It would be better for everyone if it wasn't grown on your property. And it is your property too, so you get a say in this.
Second, about the denial. You may think that nobody knows, but you may be very surprised what they may already suspect. We call denial having an elephant in our living room because we step around it and pretend it isn't there, but in truth it is in clear view.
If you have someone close that you want to confide in, that is your right. You don't have to lie or cover for him. You have the right to be honest, and an onligation to yourself to be,\. This doesn't mean you have to run around ratting him out, but it means that you can share with whoever you want.
And I know that he will not like any of this. As codependents, we worry more about what will upset them and not what is already upsetting us. Think about what you want you boundaries to be. Make sure that you can carry them through, or you will lose your credibility of boundaries. And decide not to participate in his chaos anymore. As JT often says, we learn to stop reacting and instead to respond when tempers are cool and they are not using.
I don't know if any of this will help, but working a program will. IF you haven't been to meetings, try going to a few. The real life support you find there can help you get through this.
And we are all here for you too.
Just do it when you are ready, and do it one day at a time.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: upstate, ny
Posts: 135
hi searching,
welcome to our special world where no one knows our secrets. secrets were always my way of protecting our family circle. everyone here knows about the secrets. all my family knows, my kids that i thought i protected, my neighbors that i had to apologize to, my best friends know and are still my best friends because they have only said in judgement that they just want the best for all of us.
i hope that it helps to tell you that the last time my husband picked up all of his toys, coke, pot, and booze, he yelled at me that if i would just let him smoke pot, he would't drink and lose control and terrorize the family. boy i wish i'd thought of that.
i just recently found out that social services and the police will take away the kids if there is occasion to find illegal substances on my property. boy, 16 years of throwing away pot, pipes rolling papers.
guess what, my older son has been telling me about my husband asking him to buy pot for him starting aroud15 years old. my daughters well remember the smell of pot in the basement while i was at work. my 14 year-old remembers asking daddy what his pot pipe was for at about6 years old.
i really thought that noone knew. delusional. try to hold on to your spiritual beliefs, pray, meditate, and i have to tell you from my own experience that 1 parent attempting recovery is better that none. my kids are gifted, scholars, atheletic, and amazing, but they still grew up in a alcholic home. stay here and do something nice for yourself, even if it's reading the posts and venting out all of the pain and frustrations. i know my husband loves our kids, just is his sickness gets in the way. wish i could send you an angel to watch over you all. i think i'll pray for one to fly over your home. hugs and halloween pumpkins coming at you, i think i'll decorate for halloween today, kids have always loved that,ham dinner going in the oven and spice cake to bake.
welcome to our special world where no one knows our secrets. secrets were always my way of protecting our family circle. everyone here knows about the secrets. all my family knows, my kids that i thought i protected, my neighbors that i had to apologize to, my best friends know and are still my best friends because they have only said in judgement that they just want the best for all of us.
i hope that it helps to tell you that the last time my husband picked up all of his toys, coke, pot, and booze, he yelled at me that if i would just let him smoke pot, he would't drink and lose control and terrorize the family. boy i wish i'd thought of that.
i just recently found out that social services and the police will take away the kids if there is occasion to find illegal substances on my property. boy, 16 years of throwing away pot, pipes rolling papers.
guess what, my older son has been telling me about my husband asking him to buy pot for him starting aroud15 years old. my daughters well remember the smell of pot in the basement while i was at work. my 14 year-old remembers asking daddy what his pot pipe was for at about6 years old.
i really thought that noone knew. delusional. try to hold on to your spiritual beliefs, pray, meditate, and i have to tell you from my own experience that 1 parent attempting recovery is better that none. my kids are gifted, scholars, atheletic, and amazing, but they still grew up in a alcholic home. stay here and do something nice for yourself, even if it's reading the posts and venting out all of the pain and frustrations. i know my husband loves our kids, just is his sickness gets in the way. wish i could send you an angel to watch over you all. i think i'll pray for one to fly over your home. hugs and halloween pumpkins coming at you, i think i'll decorate for halloween today, kids have always loved that,ham dinner going in the oven and spice cake to bake.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: The Basement
Posts: 724
Thanks so much for the support. I had a pretty sleepless night. I am meeting my 2 best friends for coffee in 1/2 hour to tell them everything that has been going on. I think it would be best for me to let them know what has been going on with me. I can't worry about the judgement amymore, it's healthier for me to be honest with those closest to me. I took, I think JT's advice in the jujubees post about not reacting and waiting to respond to things rationally. Well, I did that this morning and told my husband that his pot use was not working for me anymore and that it is killing his spirit and makinghim more unavailble to me and the kids. He basically blew me off. I think he thought I wasn't serious because he used to yelling and sarcasm. More will be revealed. I have to go meet my friends now wish me luck
Member
Join Date: May 2002
Location: San diego, CA, USA
Posts: 86
(((((searching)))))))))
After I finally came clean and told everyone the truth it felt like 1000 cinder blocks were lifted off my back... It was such a relief... I got to the point where I did not care anymore... I was tired of pretending...... To my surprise alot of people were supportive.... His family hates me... but I know it's only because they need someone to blame... They are in denial... and that is ok... because it took me only 2 and 1/2 years to get it... I gave them the truth and now they can choose to do what they want with it... Have fun with your girlfriends...
Your friend in Recovery, Clowie
After I finally came clean and told everyone the truth it felt like 1000 cinder blocks were lifted off my back... It was such a relief... I got to the point where I did not care anymore... I was tired of pretending...... To my surprise alot of people were supportive.... His family hates me... but I know it's only because they need someone to blame... They are in denial... and that is ok... because it took me only 2 and 1/2 years to get it... I gave them the truth and now they can choose to do what they want with it... Have fun with your girlfriends...
Your friend in Recovery, Clowie
No More Mrs. Nice Guy
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Iowa
Posts: 724
Searching,
Not much that I can add except that we love you. Keep coming back! I hope your friends are supportive to you, but if not please don't despair. You can always find the support and encouragement you need right here.
HUGS
Osier59
Not much that I can add except that we love you. Keep coming back! I hope your friends are supportive to you, but if not please don't despair. You can always find the support and encouragement you need right here.
HUGS
Osier59
Paused
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: england
Posts: 47
searching
I to had a really bad day this weekend , i felt like i'd gone back 5 steps,and really gave myself a hard time over it, but i came on here and told all my friends, things that i dont even discuss with my closest mates,, and i felt so much better, ur never alone .
My mates all keep telling me to get rid of my a, and then i start feeling like a failure because im letting them down , i no that they are worried for me, but since i have been coming here , i realised that i do wot i have to do not what others think i should do.
Everyone here gave me such great surport, and i felt so much stronger for it ,they helped me seee that at least i had become more self aware, and that was a posituve step,,,,
Be good to urself ur a warm and caring person, and ur doing just fine , i hope all goes well with meeting ur friends for coffee, im sure it will
love and hugs spin
I to had a really bad day this weekend , i felt like i'd gone back 5 steps,and really gave myself a hard time over it, but i came on here and told all my friends, things that i dont even discuss with my closest mates,, and i felt so much better, ur never alone .
My mates all keep telling me to get rid of my a, and then i start feeling like a failure because im letting them down , i no that they are worried for me, but since i have been coming here , i realised that i do wot i have to do not what others think i should do.
Everyone here gave me such great surport, and i felt so much stronger for it ,they helped me seee that at least i had become more self aware, and that was a posituve step,,,,
Be good to urself ur a warm and caring person, and ur doing just fine , i hope all goes well with meeting ur friends for coffee, im sure it will
love and hugs spin
Go look in the mirror, Smile, and say hello to the person looking back at you.
Paused
Join Date: Sep 2002
Location: Climbing outa da Black Hole
Posts: 146
((((Searching))))
Are you sure you & I didn't come from the same house??!
I wouldn’t be too overwhelmed about where you feel you’re at right now. You are where you are supposed to be. And you did everything the best you could at the time. And that is all right!
You got some really great words of wisdom from all who posted to you!
It sounds like you had a little "click" from reading on the other board. I love getting those little "clicks"! Then I knew I was on my way to MY recovery, and was opening myself up to start seeing what I was doing, and what I needed to do to stop My pain. I guess plain & simple what I did was start paying attention to my pain. I started to go to Alanon. Started reading Courage to Change & One Day at a Time. Also Melody Beatties 12 Steps to Co-dependants, the Big Book, & whatever else I could find! I also started going to counseling & got a sponsor with 20 yrs. in Alanon.
Your question on the other board, Should you make him stop? I don't think you can make him stop doing anything. I tried, well, then he just got sneaky about it. I had to do what I needed to do for me. I wouldn't worry about what anyone else thinks, you're the one who is living your life. I lived with this for 14 yrs. Initially, I had made the decision to stay with him, because I loved him, and, you know - " it's just pot". And I too was ashamed and afraid to tell anyone what was really going on. 5 yrs. ago I left him. I told my family what was going on & they were supportive. His fam. was not. After 2 months of counseling, we got back together. He stopped going to NA. Within a couple of months, he was using again, found the pipe...For 5 yrs. I was too embarrassed to tell my family. I thought that I would get the "I told you so". He was emotionally not here for me or the kids. Wouldn't even talk to our daughter (she says for like 3yrs.) He just yelled at her. I knew this, but kept making excuses for him. He did nothing here, wouldn’t even bring in the wood for heat. He had become very emotionally, verbally & then physically abusive. I had sunk so low, I was either going to kill myself, or end up in the Psych. ward. My insanity. When he beat me up for something he did, in a drunken blackout, and then called the cops for me and went to bed, I knew this wasn't good. What was worse was I covered for him when the cops came...duh! Took me awhile but I then calmly decided that he was never going to change, and I could not live like this any longer, nor would I raise the kids in this. So I left. I had told my family what was going on, they knew something was up, I was different. My secrets were keeping me trapped, and I know now that they weren't secrets I had to keep. I did it myself, to myself. That was his problem, but I had made it mine. I can’t keep secrets for or about him, it only hurts me when I do this. I don’t go around blabbing, but he is an addict, and that is a fact. Like Clowie said - the 1000 cinder blocks were gone and it felt soo good for once to start being honest, even with myself. That was 6 months ago. I started going to Alanon. I told him I could not ever go back to that again & couldn't live with him if he used, he chose me & the kids. He went to counseling and started going to AA 2X a week, still does, & got a sponsor with 20 yrs. sobriety. We got back together after a couple of months. Against a lot of peoples opinion, but I did what felt right for me. But I also knew, One day at a time, and I can change my mind when I need to. I also learned that Loving him and not being able to live with his illness were 2 different things. I could still love him, I just could not live like that. Being active in Alanon helped me understand alot about myself, and my role in all this. And I started having those little "clicks" Going back to my childhood w/an alcoholic father helped me be able to separate the person from the illness. I learned how to feel compassion for him. Not easy, but it really helped me put it in perspective. My sponsor once got upset with me, and said “Don‘t you think they are hurting as much as you are? Don‘t you think it is alot for him to live up to what your expectation is of him? Let it go. And I learned that like I told him one night, “ If I don’t want you judging me, I really don’t have the right to judge you. Had I known what I know now, when I left, I probably would have done it differently. But at the time, I could see no other way out. But all I knew how to do then was react. Like someone here said, we need to think about our actions or words, and then respond. Sometimes I can't respond immediatly, so I will say, I cannot talk about this right now. Or I need to think about this first. Anns said - don't participate in the chaos, when I did, I just set myself up for more. You said “your not ready to leave“, then you are not ready to leave. It really helped me to know - I don't have to make that decision today. Took the pressure off. I detached by not taking and internalizing & reacting to his sh#t. Walk away. And if it is his responsibility, and he is capable - then my hands are off. If I resent doing it, then I shouldn’t be doing it. Listen to yourself. Oh, I did all the Birthday presents etc...it’s his resp. to remember his moms b-day. If he doesn’t remember, then he can answer to her. All I was doing was protecting him from paying the consequences for his actions. They are more capable than they put out to be. Are you going to meetings? Mtgs. are my life savers. When I first started, I was scared to death. But, I had no idea that I wasn't the only one who was living this! Now, I need my meetings & sponsor, because they are the only ones who really understand. My family isn't living it, so they really don't know how to relate. I was so happy to find this board here. There is so much help and wisdom here. If he's worried about the custody, well that's his responsibility. You need to take care of your needs. It doesn't necessarily mean it is the beginning of the end. Perhaps it is the beginning of the beginning. You'll know what is best for you when it is time.
Going to meetings helps, reading, praying, and meditating (trying to learn how to!) helps me. It took me leaving to get his attention. And as far as I know he is clean at this time. He does occ. drink tho, and I know, an addict is an addict. But he will have to deal with this. If it becomes a problem, then I will deal with it. Nothing is written in stone. There are some very strong women here who are still with an active A. I don’t know if I could do that. But for today, I am ok.
I hope your visit with your friends went well & they are supportive.
Sounds like a hot bubble bath, with tons of candles is in order!
I'm sorry this was so long...but it felt good to talk about it, and it helps me! I hope your doing well!
Are you sure you & I didn't come from the same house??!
I wouldn’t be too overwhelmed about where you feel you’re at right now. You are where you are supposed to be. And you did everything the best you could at the time. And that is all right!
You got some really great words of wisdom from all who posted to you!
It sounds like you had a little "click" from reading on the other board. I love getting those little "clicks"! Then I knew I was on my way to MY recovery, and was opening myself up to start seeing what I was doing, and what I needed to do to stop My pain. I guess plain & simple what I did was start paying attention to my pain. I started to go to Alanon. Started reading Courage to Change & One Day at a Time. Also Melody Beatties 12 Steps to Co-dependants, the Big Book, & whatever else I could find! I also started going to counseling & got a sponsor with 20 yrs. in Alanon.
Your question on the other board, Should you make him stop? I don't think you can make him stop doing anything. I tried, well, then he just got sneaky about it. I had to do what I needed to do for me. I wouldn't worry about what anyone else thinks, you're the one who is living your life. I lived with this for 14 yrs. Initially, I had made the decision to stay with him, because I loved him, and, you know - " it's just pot". And I too was ashamed and afraid to tell anyone what was really going on. 5 yrs. ago I left him. I told my family what was going on & they were supportive. His fam. was not. After 2 months of counseling, we got back together. He stopped going to NA. Within a couple of months, he was using again, found the pipe...For 5 yrs. I was too embarrassed to tell my family. I thought that I would get the "I told you so". He was emotionally not here for me or the kids. Wouldn't even talk to our daughter (she says for like 3yrs.) He just yelled at her. I knew this, but kept making excuses for him. He did nothing here, wouldn’t even bring in the wood for heat. He had become very emotionally, verbally & then physically abusive. I had sunk so low, I was either going to kill myself, or end up in the Psych. ward. My insanity. When he beat me up for something he did, in a drunken blackout, and then called the cops for me and went to bed, I knew this wasn't good. What was worse was I covered for him when the cops came...duh! Took me awhile but I then calmly decided that he was never going to change, and I could not live like this any longer, nor would I raise the kids in this. So I left. I had told my family what was going on, they knew something was up, I was different. My secrets were keeping me trapped, and I know now that they weren't secrets I had to keep. I did it myself, to myself. That was his problem, but I had made it mine. I can’t keep secrets for or about him, it only hurts me when I do this. I don’t go around blabbing, but he is an addict, and that is a fact. Like Clowie said - the 1000 cinder blocks were gone and it felt soo good for once to start being honest, even with myself. That was 6 months ago. I started going to Alanon. I told him I could not ever go back to that again & couldn't live with him if he used, he chose me & the kids. He went to counseling and started going to AA 2X a week, still does, & got a sponsor with 20 yrs. sobriety. We got back together after a couple of months. Against a lot of peoples opinion, but I did what felt right for me. But I also knew, One day at a time, and I can change my mind when I need to. I also learned that Loving him and not being able to live with his illness were 2 different things. I could still love him, I just could not live like that. Being active in Alanon helped me understand alot about myself, and my role in all this. And I started having those little "clicks" Going back to my childhood w/an alcoholic father helped me be able to separate the person from the illness. I learned how to feel compassion for him. Not easy, but it really helped me put it in perspective. My sponsor once got upset with me, and said “Don‘t you think they are hurting as much as you are? Don‘t you think it is alot for him to live up to what your expectation is of him? Let it go. And I learned that like I told him one night, “ If I don’t want you judging me, I really don’t have the right to judge you. Had I known what I know now, when I left, I probably would have done it differently. But at the time, I could see no other way out. But all I knew how to do then was react. Like someone here said, we need to think about our actions or words, and then respond. Sometimes I can't respond immediatly, so I will say, I cannot talk about this right now. Or I need to think about this first. Anns said - don't participate in the chaos, when I did, I just set myself up for more. You said “your not ready to leave“, then you are not ready to leave. It really helped me to know - I don't have to make that decision today. Took the pressure off. I detached by not taking and internalizing & reacting to his sh#t. Walk away. And if it is his responsibility, and he is capable - then my hands are off. If I resent doing it, then I shouldn’t be doing it. Listen to yourself. Oh, I did all the Birthday presents etc...it’s his resp. to remember his moms b-day. If he doesn’t remember, then he can answer to her. All I was doing was protecting him from paying the consequences for his actions. They are more capable than they put out to be. Are you going to meetings? Mtgs. are my life savers. When I first started, I was scared to death. But, I had no idea that I wasn't the only one who was living this! Now, I need my meetings & sponsor, because they are the only ones who really understand. My family isn't living it, so they really don't know how to relate. I was so happy to find this board here. There is so much help and wisdom here. If he's worried about the custody, well that's his responsibility. You need to take care of your needs. It doesn't necessarily mean it is the beginning of the end. Perhaps it is the beginning of the beginning. You'll know what is best for you when it is time.
Going to meetings helps, reading, praying, and meditating (trying to learn how to!) helps me. It took me leaving to get his attention. And as far as I know he is clean at this time. He does occ. drink tho, and I know, an addict is an addict. But he will have to deal with this. If it becomes a problem, then I will deal with it. Nothing is written in stone. There are some very strong women here who are still with an active A. I don’t know if I could do that. But for today, I am ok.
I hope your visit with your friends went well & they are supportive.
Sounds like a hot bubble bath, with tons of candles is in order!
I'm sorry this was so long...but it felt good to talk about it, and it helps me! I hope your doing well!
Member
Join Date: May 2002
Location: San diego, CA, USA
Posts: 86
Wow Lisa... You hit the nail on the head with that post... GOOD for you.... I also admire your strength... Reading your posts touched my heart... I will pray for all of us tonight... Clowie:skiptrip:
I also admire your strength... Reading your posts touched my heart... I will pray for all of us tonight... Clowie:skiptrip:
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Join Date: Sep 2002
Location: Climbing outa da Black Hole
Posts: 146
Hi JT, Clowie, & Anns,
Thank you for posting that!
It made me feel really good! And I needed that!
We are ALL worth it, and if we don't do it for ourselves, who will?
It is so hard tho, isn't it? But I want what I've seen other women have...serenity. And if it worked for them, then I know it can work for me! For all of us! :kisshug:
Thank you for posting that!
It made me feel really good! And I needed that!We are ALL worth it, and if we don't do it for ourselves, who will?
It is so hard tho, isn't it? But I want what I've seen other women have...serenity. And if it worked for them, then I know it can work for me! For all of us! :kisshug:
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Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: Denton Texas
Posts: 92
In-between
There is a great posting somewhere on this board that addresses one of Melody Beattie's inspiration that refers to the concept that being "in-between" is ok. It is where we need to be. If the decisions aren't clear, then it isn't time to make one. When the way is clear, we will know. Until then, its ok to be in an in-between place. I've do doubt I just didn't do the saying service but it is a great concept.
No More Mrs. Nice Guy
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Iowa
Posts: 724
Cajun Girl,
Its called "being in the hall". We talk about it often at my home group. The premise is that old saying - when God closes a door He opens another one. Well, sometimes it doesn't happen right away, and we are left standing in the hall. It's a difficult time in our recovery process, because once we have chosen to live our life in a different way, we want it to change quickly and painlessly.
The truth of the matter is, we need time to process some of the changes and our actions/reactions before we can move forward in a healthy way. So, if you can recognize that you are not stalled, and not relapsing... you're just in the hall, then you can acknowledge that its part of the healing, and you ARE making progress!
Hope this helps. Hugs to all of you who share hall time with me
Osier59
Its called "being in the hall". We talk about it often at my home group. The premise is that old saying - when God closes a door He opens another one. Well, sometimes it doesn't happen right away, and we are left standing in the hall. It's a difficult time in our recovery process, because once we have chosen to live our life in a different way, we want it to change quickly and painlessly.
The truth of the matter is, we need time to process some of the changes and our actions/reactions before we can move forward in a healthy way. So, if you can recognize that you are not stalled, and not relapsing... you're just in the hall, then you can acknowledge that its part of the healing, and you ARE making progress!
Hope this helps. Hugs to all of you who share hall time with me
Osier59
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: The Basement
Posts: 724
Hi all,
Thank you so much for all of your support and for sharing some of yourselves. It helps so much to hear how others who were in the same situation were able to deal and heal (HA, that just came out, I'll have to remember that one)
I certainly asked the right question in my other post replying to "just Marijuana" I said, "how did you deal with this Gypsygirlmom?" And, I am so glad I did, thank you so much for taking the time to answer. I admire your courage and I pray that when the time comes, I can be as strong as you.
We're in the beginning of my A's using. Even though I've known him for 5 yrs, this past two months has been the only time I have lived with him actively using. I always went to alanon on and off because he's dry but that's a whole other ball of wax. He's unavailable and I'm not happy with the lack of intimacy but he's a very soft spoken man, there's no abuse or unacceptable behavior but there is and always has been neglect. It has not been brought on by his using because he's always had the fear of intimacy thing but now it's extending to the kids, not the babies, but my step son has become really needy with me because of his fathers lack of attention and I'm having trouble with that. I have two other chldren and I need to give them equal, if not more attention because they are both babies and my step son is 8
I talked to my friends and they were very supportive. I almost think it's me who doesn't want to tell people. I have a lot of shame about his using (there's some great boundaries for ya).
My A doesn't let on that he is in pain but i am pretty judgemental, sometimes sarcastic, and when I'm angry, tend to say mean things that hurt his feelings. (sometimes I think I don't deserve to be in Alanon because you all are so nice and, to be honest, I really don't hold much back) I have a confession to make: The yelling I did in the padded room on the Jujubees post, I've probably said all that to him and more...gulp, that was me swallowing a little humble pie. When I react in anger I can't help myself. He was hurting me for so long I never really tried to look at things from his perspective, but your right, he has been in pain. One time when we were in therapy he told the therapist that he emotionally withdraws from me because he feels inadequate because I'm always on his back (although that's not how he put it, he said that I was always "henpecking") about things he wasn't doing. I guess you're right, I should try not to judge him and if and when it gets bad I'll deal with it then.
I JUST HATE LIVING WAITING FOR THE INEVITABLE OTHER SHOE TO DROP.
Once again, thanks so much for the replies. I appreciate it more than you'll ever know..
Love,
Searching
Thank you so much for all of your support and for sharing some of yourselves. It helps so much to hear how others who were in the same situation were able to deal and heal (HA, that just came out, I'll have to remember that one)
I certainly asked the right question in my other post replying to "just Marijuana" I said, "how did you deal with this Gypsygirlmom?" And, I am so glad I did, thank you so much for taking the time to answer. I admire your courage and I pray that when the time comes, I can be as strong as you.
We're in the beginning of my A's using. Even though I've known him for 5 yrs, this past two months has been the only time I have lived with him actively using. I always went to alanon on and off because he's dry but that's a whole other ball of wax. He's unavailable and I'm not happy with the lack of intimacy but he's a very soft spoken man, there's no abuse or unacceptable behavior but there is and always has been neglect. It has not been brought on by his using because he's always had the fear of intimacy thing but now it's extending to the kids, not the babies, but my step son has become really needy with me because of his fathers lack of attention and I'm having trouble with that. I have two other chldren and I need to give them equal, if not more attention because they are both babies and my step son is 8
I talked to my friends and they were very supportive. I almost think it's me who doesn't want to tell people. I have a lot of shame about his using (there's some great boundaries for ya).
My A doesn't let on that he is in pain but i am pretty judgemental, sometimes sarcastic, and when I'm angry, tend to say mean things that hurt his feelings. (sometimes I think I don't deserve to be in Alanon because you all are so nice and, to be honest, I really don't hold much back) I have a confession to make: The yelling I did in the padded room on the Jujubees post, I've probably said all that to him and more...gulp, that was me swallowing a little humble pie. When I react in anger I can't help myself. He was hurting me for so long I never really tried to look at things from his perspective, but your right, he has been in pain. One time when we were in therapy he told the therapist that he emotionally withdraws from me because he feels inadequate because I'm always on his back (although that's not how he put it, he said that I was always "henpecking") about things he wasn't doing. I guess you're right, I should try not to judge him and if and when it gets bad I'll deal with it then.
I JUST HATE LIVING WAITING FOR THE INEVITABLE OTHER SHOE TO DROP.
Once again, thanks so much for the replies. I appreciate it more than you'll ever know..
Love,
Searching
Last edited by Stephanie; 10-21-2002 at 09:27 PM.
believer
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: walking in faith
Posts: 1,023
Ah, waiting for that other shoe to drop. That's what sent me to therapy - I was tired of living like that. Bad things, not just relapse, can happen, and I no longer want to live my life worrying about what could happen tomorrow and wasting and not living for today.
Searching you sound a lot like me - my husband too has said I make him feel inadequate and that everything he says or does is wrong. I've made soooo many demands on him - like I have all the answers! One of the things on my 4th step inventory is being judgemental. I always thought I was open and fair - I'm not. I'm really pretty rigid and judging. I always thought I knew best. Starting to realize that I know nothing...
I've had a hard time trusting my husband. The whole idea that he could be using made me question everything he said about where he'd been, where he was going, etc. My shrink commented to me that the reason I didn't trust him was b/c I didn't trust myself to be able to handle whatever circumstance was handed to me. When I put things in perspective, it no longer is about trusting him or worrying about that other shoe dropping. He can do whatever he wants - use, lie, cheat, whatever. That doesn't mean all of that behavior is acceptable to me. As long as I can set my boundaries, not allow them to be crossed, and deal with whatever is handed to me without falling apart and losing MYSELF, then it releases me from that hold I've allowed him to have over me and my emotions, reactions, well-being, etc.
(Sure, it all sounds good on paper...
)
Baby steps....
Searching you sound a lot like me - my husband too has said I make him feel inadequate and that everything he says or does is wrong. I've made soooo many demands on him - like I have all the answers! One of the things on my 4th step inventory is being judgemental. I always thought I was open and fair - I'm not. I'm really pretty rigid and judging. I always thought I knew best. Starting to realize that I know nothing...
I've had a hard time trusting my husband. The whole idea that he could be using made me question everything he said about where he'd been, where he was going, etc. My shrink commented to me that the reason I didn't trust him was b/c I didn't trust myself to be able to handle whatever circumstance was handed to me. When I put things in perspective, it no longer is about trusting him or worrying about that other shoe dropping. He can do whatever he wants - use, lie, cheat, whatever. That doesn't mean all of that behavior is acceptable to me. As long as I can set my boundaries, not allow them to be crossed, and deal with whatever is handed to me without falling apart and losing MYSELF, then it releases me from that hold I've allowed him to have over me and my emotions, reactions, well-being, etc.
(Sure, it all sounds good on paper...
)Baby steps....
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Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: pa
Posts: 11
i can relate
searching,
my husband is also an "a". we have two children as well ( one i am presently 6 months pregnant with). i kind of always denied the fact that it was a problem that he always needed to get high. i would think that when he would stop for awhile that everything was ok; problem solved. it wasn't. he would start again. i don't really know what to do either. i love my husband but i hate his behavior. i did make the choice to go to an alnon meeting. also i have gotten much support from the people here. i think you are making a huge step just by being honest with yourself.
my husband is also an "a". we have two children as well ( one i am presently 6 months pregnant with). i kind of always denied the fact that it was a problem that he always needed to get high. i would think that when he would stop for awhile that everything was ok; problem solved. it wasn't. he would start again. i don't really know what to do either. i love my husband but i hate his behavior. i did make the choice to go to an alnon meeting. also i have gotten much support from the people here. i think you are making a huge step just by being honest with yourself.
Fantastic Member
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Chicago, Illinois
Posts: 176
Lisa that was a great post!
With my first A(20 yeras back)...I kept it all to myself NO ONE would ever guessed Barbie and Ken,,,,,,that is what people used to call us, had any problems at all! It was HELL. When I finally had to ask my Mom for $500 for an atty...she nearly fell over I was so good as covering everything up. I felt like someone took off my cement shoes. But hey that was me.
With this A, well he is diiferent he has shown his %^&*( to many and everyone knows what he is all about..
Love Kitty
With my first A(20 yeras back)...I kept it all to myself NO ONE would ever guessed Barbie and Ken,,,,,,that is what people used to call us, had any problems at all! It was HELL. When I finally had to ask my Mom for $500 for an atty...she nearly fell over I was so good as covering everything up. I felt like someone took off my cement shoes. But hey that was me.
With this A, well he is diiferent he has shown his %^&*( to many and everyone knows what he is all about..
Love Kitty
Paused
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: england
Posts: 47
ur doing good
Hi searching , that was a good post , ur a inspration to me, with my first marraige my A beat me up regularly, and i made excuses for him even convinced myself i was asking for it,, i wish i had the strenth then to tell him how i felt ,. luckily i have moved on now, its takern a long time but since coming here to this site , im making much more sence of my life , and realising that , im a important person to,
hang on in there, loads of hugs , spin
hang on in there, loads of hugs , spin
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