I think my brother finally woke up
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: The sunny southwest
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I think my brother finally woke up
I apologize in advance - this will probably be long.
My parents, in a nutshell, are a mess. Dad is an alcoholic, has severe depression, had a heart attack a few years ago. My mother is an alcoholic, prescription drug addict, and has severe mental health issues. Her "official" diagnosis is bipolar disorder, but I suspect there's more to it than that. She lies constantly, steals from family members, is physically/verbally abusive to those around her. She'll call family members 10, 15 times in a row (yes, literally)screaming and yelling, name calling, etc. She's just NUTS. I separated myself from them six years ago. They don't know where I live and they don't have my phone number. My life without them is quiet, peaceful, and for the first time in my life I feel safe. It's taken my brother longer to "see the light", so to speak. He's 7 years younger than me, so his growing up experience was slightly different than mine, as far as my mother's drinking goes. My mother's been harassing him and his wife for a couple years now. They would argue with her, then my brother would come and complain to me about how she was bothering them. I would repeatedly tell him to change his number, stop answering when she called, or get a restraining order if he was afraid she would come to the house to bother him. I was just about to tell my brother that I didn't want to hear any more about my mother, unless it was a phone call to tell me she had died. Last week he called to tell me they went to court on Friday and he got a restraining order against her. FINALLY ! He read her THREE PAGE response to his petition to me...and it was mind-boggling. It didn't make any sense, it was lie after lie....it's hard to put into words, but it's just the type of thing that's so outrageous and bizarre you just don't know how to react, so you just kinda sit there with your mouth hanging open. My brother said my parents looked terrible, and I guess my mother is now in a wheelchair due to ongoing back issues. What bothered me the most was that my father told my brother that he's "written him off" (in other words - disowned him). At one point my father wanted to leave my mother and come live with me because he was so tired of her drinking and abuse, but says he feels "obligated" to her and decided to stay. Apparantly he's back into his denial since he's angry with my brother for "not wanting to be with his sick mother" (referring to her back I guess). Well who the hell wants to ??? She's mean, nasty, abusive physically and emotionally. Just because that's the bed he chooses to lie in doesn't mean everybody else does ! I'm just angry and sad that my father chooses to live that kind of life....it's killing him....I'd be surprised if he lives another 5 years - and he's young - he's only 57 years old. I know without a doubt that by staying away I'm doing the right thing for me and my family - but it's just sad. I just wish things could be different. I wish I had the kind of parents I needed - you know - that could FUNCTION like normal human beings. For some reason these last two phone calls from my brother have been particularly painful...hearing about my mother's behavior is becoming more and more intolerable...more and more painful.
My parents, in a nutshell, are a mess. Dad is an alcoholic, has severe depression, had a heart attack a few years ago. My mother is an alcoholic, prescription drug addict, and has severe mental health issues. Her "official" diagnosis is bipolar disorder, but I suspect there's more to it than that. She lies constantly, steals from family members, is physically/verbally abusive to those around her. She'll call family members 10, 15 times in a row (yes, literally)screaming and yelling, name calling, etc. She's just NUTS. I separated myself from them six years ago. They don't know where I live and they don't have my phone number. My life without them is quiet, peaceful, and for the first time in my life I feel safe. It's taken my brother longer to "see the light", so to speak. He's 7 years younger than me, so his growing up experience was slightly different than mine, as far as my mother's drinking goes. My mother's been harassing him and his wife for a couple years now. They would argue with her, then my brother would come and complain to me about how she was bothering them. I would repeatedly tell him to change his number, stop answering when she called, or get a restraining order if he was afraid she would come to the house to bother him. I was just about to tell my brother that I didn't want to hear any more about my mother, unless it was a phone call to tell me she had died. Last week he called to tell me they went to court on Friday and he got a restraining order against her. FINALLY ! He read her THREE PAGE response to his petition to me...and it was mind-boggling. It didn't make any sense, it was lie after lie....it's hard to put into words, but it's just the type of thing that's so outrageous and bizarre you just don't know how to react, so you just kinda sit there with your mouth hanging open. My brother said my parents looked terrible, and I guess my mother is now in a wheelchair due to ongoing back issues. What bothered me the most was that my father told my brother that he's "written him off" (in other words - disowned him). At one point my father wanted to leave my mother and come live with me because he was so tired of her drinking and abuse, but says he feels "obligated" to her and decided to stay. Apparantly he's back into his denial since he's angry with my brother for "not wanting to be with his sick mother" (referring to her back I guess). Well who the hell wants to ??? She's mean, nasty, abusive physically and emotionally. Just because that's the bed he chooses to lie in doesn't mean everybody else does ! I'm just angry and sad that my father chooses to live that kind of life....it's killing him....I'd be surprised if he lives another 5 years - and he's young - he's only 57 years old. I know without a doubt that by staying away I'm doing the right thing for me and my family - but it's just sad. I just wish things could be different. I wish I had the kind of parents I needed - you know - that could FUNCTION like normal human beings. For some reason these last two phone calls from my brother have been particularly painful...hearing about my mother's behavior is becoming more and more intolerable...more and more painful.
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Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Anaheim,CA
Posts: 549
((((herewegoagain))))
Oh, how I can relate!
My mother was a bitter, angry and violent woman. She'd scream at the top of her lungs, say very ugly things and throw things-dishes, ashtrays, lamps...but dishes were her all time favorite. Back in the 60's wham-o introduced the frisbee. I remember thinking, 'what's the big deal? I've been watching dishes do that my entire life, how can that be FUN?'
As I got older I realized my mother had mental problems. She didn't want to see anyone or seek treatment and I withdrew from her more and more, like you, I wanted peace. However, if the law was involved, I'd go running to "fix" things. *SIGH*
One night...maybe fifteen years ago, the police were once again at my door. "Come DO something with your mother!" She was throwing dishes at the neighbors...through their window! She was old looking, small, frail, they didn't want to arrest her, just wanted her to stop and pay damages.
Something in me broke. I was hysterical. Sobbing. And I wasn't going to rescue her. I remember telling the cops "You have GUNS! If you can't stop her, what the F do you want from me?"
That was IT. I only saw her after that when a medical decision needed made (I was designated on her living will). It was the best decision I ever made about her-to simply remove myself from the madness.
When I am asked about my childhood my answer is always the same, "the Cleaver's didn't live at my house" or "Ward and June left the building."
My suggestion is you and your bro simply work on yourselves and not discuss with one another all the "mom did this" stuff. If either or both of you need to unload that, consider seeing a counselor. I did and am ever so thankful that I did.
Irene, also not a member of the Cleaver Clan
Oh, how I can relate!
My mother was a bitter, angry and violent woman. She'd scream at the top of her lungs, say very ugly things and throw things-dishes, ashtrays, lamps...but dishes were her all time favorite. Back in the 60's wham-o introduced the frisbee. I remember thinking, 'what's the big deal? I've been watching dishes do that my entire life, how can that be FUN?'
As I got older I realized my mother had mental problems. She didn't want to see anyone or seek treatment and I withdrew from her more and more, like you, I wanted peace. However, if the law was involved, I'd go running to "fix" things. *SIGH*
One night...maybe fifteen years ago, the police were once again at my door. "Come DO something with your mother!" She was throwing dishes at the neighbors...through their window! She was old looking, small, frail, they didn't want to arrest her, just wanted her to stop and pay damages.
Something in me broke. I was hysterical. Sobbing. And I wasn't going to rescue her. I remember telling the cops "You have GUNS! If you can't stop her, what the F do you want from me?"
That was IT. I only saw her after that when a medical decision needed made (I was designated on her living will). It was the best decision I ever made about her-to simply remove myself from the madness.
When I am asked about my childhood my answer is always the same, "the Cleaver's didn't live at my house" or "Ward and June left the building."
My suggestion is you and your bro simply work on yourselves and not discuss with one another all the "mom did this" stuff. If either or both of you need to unload that, consider seeing a counselor. I did and am ever so thankful that I did.
Irene, also not a member of the Cleaver Clan
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: The sunny southwest
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[QUOTE=walkingtheline
When I am asked about my childhood my answer is always the same, "the Cleaver's didn't live at my house" or "Ward and June left the building."
Irene, also not a member of the Cleaver Clan[/QUOTE]
I love that - the Cleavers didn't live at my house - that's priceless ! Mind if I use it ??
Oh believe me Irene - I've worked many, many years on myself. I was in therapy and on antidepressants for ten years for major depression/PTSD. The catalyst for me ending ties with my parents is when I attempted suicide six years ago. Oddly enough, that suicide attempt was the best thing I've ever done. It was the beginning of my new life. I found a new therapist, got away from my parents...I started out with nothing - literally - because I had been living with my parents and my mother kept nearly everything I owned. She even later broke into my apartment and stole all my jewelry, a journal I had been keeping, a family photo she gave me, some collectibles, and an electric mixer. I know for sure it was her based on the types of things stolen (what run of the mill robber would want a journal, childhood picture, or electrix hand mixer ??).
At any rate, I think you're right...it's probably best not to discuss her anymore with brother since it's starting to bother me. I'm not sure why it's bothering me...maybe because I realize one or both of them are going to die within the next few years, or maybe something else, I don't know.
When I am asked about my childhood my answer is always the same, "the Cleaver's didn't live at my house" or "Ward and June left the building."
Irene, also not a member of the Cleaver Clan[/QUOTE]
I love that - the Cleavers didn't live at my house - that's priceless ! Mind if I use it ??
Oh believe me Irene - I've worked many, many years on myself. I was in therapy and on antidepressants for ten years for major depression/PTSD. The catalyst for me ending ties with my parents is when I attempted suicide six years ago. Oddly enough, that suicide attempt was the best thing I've ever done. It was the beginning of my new life. I found a new therapist, got away from my parents...I started out with nothing - literally - because I had been living with my parents and my mother kept nearly everything I owned. She even later broke into my apartment and stole all my jewelry, a journal I had been keeping, a family photo she gave me, some collectibles, and an electric mixer. I know for sure it was her based on the types of things stolen (what run of the mill robber would want a journal, childhood picture, or electrix hand mixer ??).
At any rate, I think you're right...it's probably best not to discuss her anymore with brother since it's starting to bother me. I'm not sure why it's bothering me...maybe because I realize one or both of them are going to die within the next few years, or maybe something else, I don't know.
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Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Anaheim,CA
Posts: 549
Of course you can use it, we "non-Cleavers" are much like family members of A's...we share common experiences and it is the best "easy" description I've ever found.
Now that my parents are gone it's easier for me to discuss them. That may sound weird but they led such tortured lives that now I know their own madness is over as is the torment of those who were parts of their lives. The on-going ugliness finally had an end. Once the whole story played itself out, it was easier to put it to rest--closure at last.
Isn't it nice to feel whole and healthy and human again?
Now that my parents are gone it's easier for me to discuss them. That may sound weird but they led such tortured lives that now I know their own madness is over as is the torment of those who were parts of their lives. The on-going ugliness finally had an end. Once the whole story played itself out, it was easier to put it to rest--closure at last.
Isn't it nice to feel whole and healthy and human again?
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: The sunny southwest
Posts: 97
Well - I can't say "again", because it's the first time in my life...but it's definitely a nice feeling ! It's so nice knowing my son is getting a much better childhood than what I had...it dawned on me the other night that when I put him to bed, he feels safe and comfortable...probably has that warm fuzzy feeling...and it felt so good that I'm creating that for him.
Is my life perfect ? Absolutely not...I most definitely have ACOA issues...husband drinks more than I'd like him to but is a good guy, wonderful dad. I'll tell you one thing though - the life I have now is one heckuva giant step up from the one I used to have.
I can definitely understand why it would be easier to discuss them after they're gone...like you said - the madness has ended. My parents' insanity just goes on and on by their own choosing. I guess that's what baffles me the most - they CHOOSE the mess they're in. And they're former AA members - so it's not like they don't know other options are out there !
Is my life perfect ? Absolutely not...I most definitely have ACOA issues...husband drinks more than I'd like him to but is a good guy, wonderful dad. I'll tell you one thing though - the life I have now is one heckuva giant step up from the one I used to have.
I can definitely understand why it would be easier to discuss them after they're gone...like you said - the madness has ended. My parents' insanity just goes on and on by their own choosing. I guess that's what baffles me the most - they CHOOSE the mess they're in. And they're former AA members - so it's not like they don't know other options are out there !
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Join Date: May 2005
Location: Cyberia
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It's comforting to hear from others who also had "mothers from hell". I also took a long time to get over my alcoholic mother and father who abandoned me and then spent years making my life hell. I still have my mother in my life, but I have set very strong boundaries when it comes to her. For example, she is not allowed to phone me when she is drunk and verbally abuse me.
The amazing thing is that my brother and I are not as wounded as our parents. We have our own issues, but we're working on them. I hate the fact that I'm in my forties and these things still bug me. I guess I have more work to do....
Robin
The amazing thing is that my brother and I are not as wounded as our parents. We have our own issues, but we're working on them. I hate the fact that I'm in my forties and these things still bug me. I guess I have more work to do....
Robin
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