It Isn't Tough Love (miff) - It's Self Love
 

When "normal" people ask me about my son and how I am handling it, I get really miffed when they say "Oh yes, that Tough Love really works". "You gotta be tough".

I try to explain to them that my program is NOT about HIM...that it is about loving myself and setting my boundaries, and about MY spirituality and self-respect.

To me, "Tough Love" would indicate that I am still trying to contol him by being tough and doing tough things to him...and that is not even close to where I am today.

I love my son unconditionally. I love him in his worst moment. There is nothing tough about that. I love him enough to "gently" let him go and find his own way.

Just needed to vent...I get a little miffed sometimes

:troll:

anns your awesome!!!!

Oh Anns, it sounds like you're doing so great
in a situation that would break most earth people
(that's what we call "normal people" in the other recovery group).
On top of that you help so many people here every day.
Earth people never understand and they never will.
You're awesome and it sounds like your son is lucky to have such a courageous mother!!!

Love,

Stephanie

Well as most of us have found out the tough stuff doesn't work either.

So we are left with us and making the best us we can be. I've learned not to be too hard on people who don't understand. How could they understand? I go through this with a lot of issues.

Sexual abuse is even worse. I've watched so many women mistreated by people who have no clue. I think the thing that makes me angry is they answer and give advice and have a know at all attitude about something they have never experienced.

Maybe we should ask them how they know that.

Let it roll off.

Hugs,
MG

Thanks everyone

Searching, I love your term "earth' people. I used to feel like an alien from another planet, but now I feel like an albeit dysfunctional angel who has landed on a very strange planet and have found more of "my kind" right here on these boards.

I love you all for being here, even when I am miffed.:D

Anns,
It is so hard to deal with the "others" who don't have a program and don't understand how we live our own lives. To me, you ARE practicing tough love.... its tough to love our addicts/alcoholics when they are acting they way they do, but its because of your program that you can love him no matter what and still be ok!

If that's not TOUGH love, I don't know what is

HUGS
Osier59

What a $%^&*(* day I had!!!
 

I am going crazy...I am. There is not doubt.
I went to our office where the A lives, and had the most bizarre hour with him. He acted like I was a some "chick' he wanted to hit on. At the same time a Sweetest day card arrived from some Bimbo, who signed it hg BJ! Then kissed the card with lipstick...OKKKKKKKKKKkkk now I know it is the woman he had here....it irritated me a ton. I made him open it infront of me. Well.........that even set off a huge blow up of I want you back, I need you, I will go to rehab. blah balh! I must say he looks like S>>>>>>>>>%^&*() on a stick! Bloated in the face...he was drinking his Grey Goose cocktail. But the strange thing was I got a kick out of it...I was laughing so hard the whole time..am I nuts or what!??? Is it is because I know I can leave and not have to come back? It was crazy. He then called me all night rarely did I answer, put back on his wedding ring, so he says, and told me he will make this right. He wants to DATE...you heard it right......ME!!!!! DATE ME! OMG!!!!!!!!! Do I really believe he will change...............NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.....not really. I find this whole thing amusing, especially since our attys meet on Monday.
It is obvious to me he wants back in, and I am not letting him back. But what is going on? Attachment? Any ideas?
Love Kitty

What a $%^&*(* day I had!!!
 

I am going crazy...I am. There is not doubt.
I went to our office where the A lives, and had the most bizarre hour with him. He acted like I was a some "chick' he wanted to hit on. At the same time a Sweetest day card arrived from some Bimbo, who signed it hg BJ! Then kissed the card with lipstick...OKKKKKKKKKKkkk now I know it is the woman he had here....it irritated me a ton. I made him open it infront of me. Well.........that even set off a huge blow up of I want you back, I need you, I will go to rehab. blah balh! I must say he looks like S>>>>>>>>>%^&*() on a stick! Bloated in the face...he was drinking his Grey Goose cocktail. But the strange thing was I got a kick out of it...I was laughing so hard the whole time..am I nuts or what!??? Is it is because I know I can leave and not have to come back? It was crazy. He then called me all night rarely did I answer, put back on his wedding ring, so he says, and told me he will make this right. He wants to DATE...you heard it right......ME!!!!! DATE ME! OMG!!!!!!!!! Do I really believe he will change...............NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.....not really. I find this whole thing amusing, especially since our attys meet on Monday.
It is obvious to me he wants back in, and I am not letting him back. But what is going on? Attachment? Any ideas?
Love Kitty

What a $%^&*(* day I had!!!
 

I am going crazy...I am. There is not doubt.
I went to our office where the A lives, and had the most bizarre hour with him. He acted like I was a some "chick' he wanted to hit on. At the same time a Sweetest day card arrived from some Bimbo, who signed it hg BJ! Then kissed the card with lipstick...OKKKKKKKKKKkkk now I know it is the woman he had here....it irritated me a ton. I made him open it infront of me. Well.........that even set off a huge blow up of I want you back, I need you, I will go to rehab. blah balh! I must say he looks like S>>>>>>>>>%^&*() on a stick! Bloated in the face...he was drinking his Grey Goose cocktail. But the strange thing was I got a kick out of it...I was laughing so hard the whole time..am I nuts or what!??? Is it is because I know I can leave and not have to come back? It was crazy. He then called me all night rarely did I answer, put back on his wedding ring, so he says, and told me he will make this right. He wants to DATE...you heard it right......ME!!!!! DATE ME! OMG!!!!!!!!! Do I really believe he will change...............NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.....not really. I find this whole thing amusing, especially since our attys meet on Monday.
It is obvious to me he wants back in, and I am not letting him back. But what is going on? Attachment? Any ideas?
Love Kitty

Kitty - are we having a bad day??? Why do you go there? Why do you do this to yourself by letting him drive you nuts??

Relax Kitty, and try to calm down a little. Breathe in and out, and get yourself calm.

You gotta let go, Kitty, just stay clear of trouble like this. You don't need it.

I ..............MUST..............go there I am the President of our business I have to keep an eye on my employees. I have no choice. We are in the middle of a large deal, and I have to watch him ...he is smart like a fox and people stupid. He has no authority in the company ...holds no postition,but honestly he is the brains $$$$$$......law makes it a marital asset...it is pretty confusing ...but that is the way it is.
I have to attend a meeting with him on Monday.............!

: )
Love Kitty
Sorry about the triple posts...what happened there? : )

Hey Kitty,

Sounds like you're holding on some for security reasons. It's your comfort zone. I've done this too.

Keep trying to let go. You know you can't go back to this. He can't get sober for you and he may not ever do it for himself. If he does you can go back later.

What can you do to give yourself a new life?

Hugs,
MG

I don't know. I really don't. It is not like I am drawn to him phsically.....that is a not. Maybe I just want to make his life hell?
Like he made mine for the last few years...I don't know...and I don't think that is it either.
It has me confused and my kids get angry( adult kids) when I speak to him.
I guess it could be my old comfort zone? I have told him clearly we are not going back. I won't do that...no way.
Love Kitty

Gee Kitty,
What is going to happen with this busi-
ness-are one of you taking it over when
this court deal is finished?
Ann, how about normies with their
thoughts about jail! Oh, the looks-this
is rock bottom in their eyes. I get
miffed with that look and they ask me
about my son. Ooooooh, and how can you
handle it, I would just die if my son
was in jail. Well, I'm handling it just
fine-thank you for asking. I have talked
about my recovery a couple of times, they don't have a clue what I'm talking about-never mind.

Hugs,

Kitty,

I just went through that with my son tonight. I just want a normal life. I just could have beat the heck out of him just for being unable to take care of himself. I guess I lost my recovery tonight or haven't found it yet. I wish I could just let him be homeless, but I can't do it yet.

I was even thinking that I should pay his rent somewhere else so I can have some peace. That's how desperate I'm feeling right now.

Tomorrow will be a better day.

Hugs,
MG

Oh, MG! You haven't lost your recovery. In fact I think you brought this thread back to where it started. Tough love is another way of trying to control an addict's using. It's okay if you want to give him a place to sleep... denying yourself that because making him be homeless might make him clean up... well you said it yourself. Tough love is no miracle cure.

As to getting mad at him... it's not as deep or as long an anger any more, is it? Even people who are not codependent get mad. It's okay, too.

And this is just my opinion, but if you can't afford to get the alarm, then you can't afford to pay his rent somewhere.

And Josie, you reminded me of the first time I got Dino out of jail. I was so horrified it nearly paralyzed me. That evolved into joking with the cat that I was "fixin' to spring Pappy from the pokey agin'."

Geez,
Is there something in the air today?
I was going to post today that I am now
officially nuts. I was wringing my
hands about my grandkids again, and
wanting to take a little drive and ring
their parents necks. M.G., I'm not
ready to throw my kids on the streets
either, don't beat yourself up. When
my son was out here, I did find him a
place after I kicked him out. I also
helped him with the rent when he was
short-enabling-I guess. But at that time
all I cared about was my sanity.
Smoke, I used to be horrified myself-
now-peace of cake. Either I'm numb to
it all or it's just getting easier.
You're right, tomorrow is another day.

Hugs,

Well, I believe that it is a full moon. With the rain I couldn't check, but I remember thinking about Thursday that it was close.
My son, almost without exception, is at his worst when the moon is full...no kidding.

We have all been around the block so many times with them doing the same stuff over and over, that we get weary of the neighbourhood.

But working our program has taken us from being frantic, overwhelmed, and doing the pretzel dance (remember that one where we get all twisted out of shape? LOL), and now we are just weary (and still a little afraid for them).

Giving them a bed for a while, giving them a few meals when they are hungry, and a jacket when it is cold, isn't enabling in my books. It's just love. As Smoke says, we give because it makes US feel good, and we are very aware of the difference between enabling and compassion. We are also aware of when our recovery and boundaries are at risk, and we look after ourselves in that department.

Us older gals recognize that this could possibly still be going on when we are 105, and I have no intention of sharing my nursing home with him.

So, I work my program, and I have good days and bad days, but overall the good days are even better and the bad days are fewer and not as full of drama. And I learn to love myself and love my life, as dysfuntional as it may be sometimes.

So, nobody is crazy here, nobody has lost anything, we are just continuing to grow and learn. And we learn to get out of that neighbourhood.

hi there,
i paid my son's rent for him 2 weeks ago so he wouldn't be homeless, or have to move back here!! guess what, he used the money for something else that he found more important, his past due car payment. now he still is getting evicted today. wow that worked. i forgot to respect the fact that he has a life and i have to stop rescuing. i also secretly was wondering if some of the money would maybe be for coke. how stupid was that. my old habits die hard. my ability to figure out everybodies problems except for my own really amazes me. my son also now feels guilty that he had to take aloan from his mom who has no money. i think i'm really having a hard time letting anyone including myself hit recovery.
back to the drawing board, detach with love for me ,not money. it's so hard to figure it out. step 1 here i come again!!! i am powerless over my whole family, and boy do i love them.
hugs from sugar
maybe we can all work today on our insanity