benefits

I had to call my exABF's business on Wednesday due to a work related issue - I was actually hoping to talk to another guy who works there but he was off so I had to talk to my exABF - I was actually surprised he took the call because he is great at avoiding calls and I figured when he found out who it was he wouldn't come to the phone. But he did - we had a short but not unpleasant conversation - I relayed the info. I needed to and he responded and told me he would have the other guy take care of this matter (his business is a client of my company) and that was the end of the conversation. So yesterday he called me at work about the same matter - which I thought was a little odd because this matter falls under the other guys scope of responsibility plus the matter was basically solved with Wednesdays call. So I'm wondering why he called me Friday - my guess was he was testing the waters to see how I would react to him. The last time we talked he was extremely nasty to me and was bordering on getting phyiscal - so I guess he didn't know how I would be to him. I don't hate him, I do still love him even though I know that we are both better off without the other. It would be very easy for me to hate him he did a lot of crap to me when we were together but I just can't hate him and I don't want to hate him.
So about last night ... the phone rings around 9:30 (which is unusual for me because I have a little boy and most of my friends and family know better than to call after his bedtime) so I get this feeling before I even look at the caller ID that it is going to be him. And it was. We had a very nice conversation he asked about my son, my job, what I've been up to and I asked him the same I heard a little bit about some problems with work but it was nothing like I had to deal with when we were together and he actually told me he has a plan to make it better. Amazing because in the past he just gave up when things got bad. He talked about his kids (both grown) and he is seeing them regularly because he plays baseball on his son's team - he is becoming more active and actually expanding his circle of friends. Of course that being said his circle of friends is the baseball team which is a bunch of 21 and 22 year old guys who like to drink, a lot. A little odd for a 40 yr old man to be hanging with 22 yr olds but at least he's expanding his horizons. So after about an hour I told him I better go because I'm tired and I need to get to bed. End of conversation. So I'm really hoping this can be the start of us being friends again. I know I need to proceed with extreme caution where he is concerned because I know he has lied to me many times in the past and even though I know we are never going to get back together I really don't want to open myself up to getting hurt again. I was always a good dumping ground for his anger and frustration - he would take things out on me that were not even my fault just because he knew I would always be there. I'm not going to let myself fall back into that trap either.

So what do you think?? Please give me some opinions!!!!!

splendra

I am hoping you will keep your good boundries with him. We all know how slick they can be...

minnie

Gently does it. I would be very cautious about being friends with someone who has lied to me and treated me as a dumping ground. My ex used to do that all the time. We are still in business together and he wants to be friends (and the rest!), but it is impossible for me. My friends are people who treat me with dignity and respect and don't use me for their own gain.

Splendra's right - boundaries are key here.

CatsTail

Words whisper and Actions scream. I'd be watching his actions more than I'd be listening to his words.

Take it very very slow and keep on with your life, keep doing for yourself and have him in the very far background. More than likely he wants to hook you back in. They are slick and cunning when they want something.

Ngaire

lonlion

yup, definately testing the waters. He figured since you were civil (for business reasons) the other day, that he would give it a try calling you outside of business.

My exboyfriend did the same thing, but then the calls became more and more frequent, and when he started mentioning things that brought back bad memories of his lies etc. I had to start asking myself what am I doing here?

Later he said that he thought we could get back together again, and I said, "when did I ever give you the impression that was what I wanted?"
I guess by taking his calls, I was leading him on, so I stopped the contact completely as I realized that even though I still love him, he is not healthy for me.

All the best
Diana

Savana 54

I have to say it's considered leading him on, especially since you spoke to him for an hour. And besides why on earth would you want to be friends with someone that treated you so badly? Your not dealing with someone normal, he is an A, their thinking is very distorted at best.

When my ABF and I broke up he wanted to stay friends immediately after the break up. I said I needed time to heal, so he then got even more rude and nasty with me.

benefits

I don't think I am leading him on in any way - I called his business on a professional issue and at no time during that conversation did I say or do anything that would have indicated I had any relationship or interest in him for anything other than business. When he called me at home and we talked I talked to him like I would talk to any friend, I didn't give him any idication that I had any interest in him or having a relationship with him other than friends. Actually we didn't even talk about being friends, we just had a friendly conversation. He knows what I want and feel I deserve in a relationship - he also knows he is not willing to do that - we didn't discuss it or bring it up because I think we both know it would never work, but I think, at least from my perspective, it's nice to be able to have a civil conversation and be friendly toward one another, we were a very large part of each others lives at one point in time and to think that the we hated each other would just be sad. Up until last night I was nervous about how he would be toward me if I ever ran into him somewhere, which is very likely in a small town, as a matter of fact when I was waiting for him to take my call on Wednesday my heart was practically beating out of my chest because I didn't know if he would be a jerk to me or be okay. Thankfully he was okay and that was a huge relief to me. I'm guessing that having our first conversation since the big blowup was a relief to both of us because I think he was as scared to talk to me as I was to talk to him - after all I have a lot more reasons to be mad than he does - he even admitted that. The conversation ended when I said I want to go to bed and there was no indication that we would ever speak again - although I think we probably will sometime. So I really don't think I was leading him on - I was simply having a nice conversation while being very cautious about what I say and what is being said to me.

benefits

Oh yeah one more thing - I don't think I am going to be talking to him daily or even weekly - if he calls I'll talk to him - I am not the type of person that can be really ugly to someone (except my exhusband but that is another long story) I don't even plan to call him. It's hard to explain but I just have this peace knowing that we can talk to each other and that he doesn't hate me. I guess that may sound shallow or insecure but I'm not I'm thinking of my own comfort zone. I know what he is capable of and I am keeping my guard up, I'm not making plans or hoping for anything. I actually think I really did get the closure I was looking for last night. I know he doesn't hate me - even though I know deep down inside it wouldn't really matter if he did. I have a new sense of self confidence that I have gained over the last 6 months and I am not the same person I was when we were together. I know I'm babbling here but it's hard to explain.

CodeMaster

ngaire got it! He wants to make a difference can do much more then talk nice....

chrisea

have to agree with ngaire and lonlion ~ be Very Careful... even if you feel, that you aren't leading him on... It's what He Thinks, that could turn around and bite ya in the butt... Besides he's still hangin with the young love to drink more crowd, and he's 40... would tell me something... (back a few yrs ago, I wouldn't have thought anything about it, but how perspectives change...) My sister's xah called a few weeks after leaving, to talk, she thinks he called to see (testing the water) If she would ask him to come back, lol... Even if his life is somewhat on track, place to stay, maybe they think or feel, and I probably would agree... Well you just have a WHOLE LOT More $$$ to spend on that drinking, when you live with someone else, that is paying all the bills and the A's bills, life is easier. I talk to my xabf, if there is something to work out, (business related, or even when are you going to Pay me Back, sort of stuff) but a more than a few minutes chat, I don't think so.... Well have a great summer and Take Care of yourself and family

FriendofBill

Pardon my frankness, but, It sounds to me like a bit of rationalization. A bit that you want to hang on and not let go. For me, I need to detach to get myself healthy again and totally sure I can handle a friendship. I have friends who love and value me, so why do I need to maintain THIS friendship, which really wasnt pleasant? Just foor for thought...

I ask myself, that until that day happens, and I am no longer in love, why would I even consider a telephone relationship. Its like putting a toe into the sea of insanity...today a toe, tomorrow my whole self......

anangel2long

Sorry, Benefits, I agree with everyone else. One thing that struck me, is that men do not call anyone just to chat, like us gals. They alway have a purpose for their calls or "business" as they put it. And it's good question as to what his pupose is.

benefits

Thanks everyone, and I do agree with a lot of what you have said. anangel I agree men don't usually call without a purpose and quite possibly he had a purpose in mind when he called and he has just not revealed that purpose to me yet. But believe me I am proceeding with extreme caution. I've thought about what I wrote originally and what you have said and I guess I don't really mean that I want to be friends with him. I would like to be able to have a "friendly" relationship with him, which maybe is the wrong term too. I feel comfortable knowing that if I run into him he is not going to act like a jerk, I want to be able to say "hi how are ya" and walk away when I see him. I guess I didn't really mean I want to be friends - I don't want him hanging out here or calling all the time - I don't see me calling or going to see him either. It's complicated but I do see what you are saying.

benefits

Yesterday I told my mom that my exABF called me and the first words out of her mouth were "I wonder what he is up to" then I told my sister later and the first words out of her mouth were "Oh he must want something". Then that night when I put my son to bed he said he hopes that ABF is not going to be my boyfriend again because he know's that ABF makes mommy sad. Funny how perseptive everyone else can be from the outside looking in - when your in the middle of something you don't always see what is happening. I am still a little curious is he had some sort of motive for calling or if he was just being friendly. I'm guessing there was some motive behind the call but you never know.

benefits

Okay if anyone is still reading this thread - thanks - and I apologize for beating a dead horse but as I was writing my last post I remembered something from the phone convesation with exABF. When we were talking I told him that someone he invited to his party of couple of weeks ago was with me the night he invited her and she was joking around that she will pick me up and we will go together. He says well you could have come - now why on earth would I have gone to his party - first I was not invited, second does he really forget how ugly he was to me the last time I saw him?? when he told me to stay out of his life, and asked me if I was really just that stupid that I could not see that he doesn't want to be with me even as a friend that he only said he wanted to be my friend and only asked me out to dinner to be nice because he feels sorry for me. Did he forget all of that??? Then he mentioned that I have not been in to his business since we had the big blow out - did he really expect me to patronize his business???
Then he tells me about his baseball team and mentions how I would enjoy seeing him play - I tell him I don't even know where the field is so I can't go (which I thought was nicer than saying I don't want to go but not as blunt) so he proceeds to give me directions to the field - then gets out his schedule so I will know which nights and times he is playing next week. WHAT THE HECK??????

minnie

It's worked, hasn't it hon? He's sucking you in again. All it takes is one phone call to drag up all the crap from the past.

You've been in a much better place these past few months. Why go back?

gelfling

hhhhhhhhhmmmmmmmmmmmmm....mighty suspicious to me. And I think everyone feels the same. Please be careful.

Stressed 1

Everybody chooses to speak there mind on this site...it's all good...personally I would stay as far away from him as possible. There kind of like car sales guys, there going to tell you everything that you want or need to hear. It sound like he's missing out on a good thing (you and your son). Let him miss and get on with your life.

Best of luck!

JessicaNAJ

((((Benefits))))

Proceed with caution. and I agree, keep your boundaries.

benefits

Minnie I guess you're right he is sort of sucking me back in - not in that I would go running back to him or call him or any of that but ever since Friday night I have been thinking about the call and analyzing everything he said and wondering what was his real motive for calling, etc. It really doesn't matter what his motive might have been - I need to just keep on living my life and doing what I have been doing. I am very happy right now so I should just focus on that. Sometimes easier said than done.