Cynay

You are who you are for a reason.
you're part of an intricate plan.
You're a precious and perfect unique design,
Called God's special women or man.

You look like you look for a reason.
Our God made no mistake.
He knit you together within the womb,
you're just what he wanted to make.

The parents you had were the ones he chose,
And no matter how you may feel,
They were custom-designed with God's plan in mind,
And they bear the Master's seal.

No, that trauma you faced is not easy.
And God wept that it hurt you so;
but it was allowed to shape your heart
So that into his likeness you'd grow.

You are who you are for a reason,
You've been formed by the master's rod.
You are who you are, beloved,
Because there is a God!

by Russell Kelfer

Minx1969

very nice C.

Doing better today?

Cynay

Yep.... Doing GREAT today, I had light bulb experiences yesterday

minnie

Cynay, share your lightbulb moments too!

Cynay

Ok.... I will share them... This is between me and my sponsor. The names have been changed but she does not mind my sharing.



Me: My A is a dry drunk?

Sponsor: Hello?? Where were you during AA 101.. (sorry..just a little sarcasm there ..)

Yup..just b/c he is not drinking for 7 months..doesn't mean he's sober..he's still insane..

that's why we go to Alanon

Me: *laughs*

Dont ask me why, but I honestly believed he was getting better... that yes he is not healthy but working the steps and getting better.

Something you said... His sponsor suggested I stay away ... cuz my A is doing this the "hard" way. For some reason this hit me... nothing has really changed, he is just a dry drunk.

For some stupid reason this helps me to think differently about him, the anger is less and I feel kinda sorry for him. Weird huh? or maybe Im just tired.

Sponsor: I'm sure he is getting somewhat better..he's not drinking so that is better..but it is sloooooowwww...

Nope..that's compassion..good for you!

Me: It weird.. but knowing this he cant possibly be as happy as he is letting on to me. That Im not nuts because I struggle

Being a Dry Drunk is only one step up from drinking.... he is not as far along as he makes me think he is. When talking to me he almost makes me feel like he is the healthy one moving past all the past BS... and I was part of his BS.

But he really is not where close to what I thought... and all his addictive personality traits are just continuing... and his ex wife is part of that behavior. I was not his BS and he has not moved past me either... he just has not gotten that far on his list of past issues

Does this make sense?

Sponsor: Yes..

Pretending they are happy is all manipulation and control..It helped me when I ran into my A and saw that he had gained weight..I knew it was not just about his dad but it was also the disease..healthy people don't look like he did..and I know my A so he can't fool me with his BS..I know his "fake..pretending I'm so happy voice"

the veil is lifting and you are starting to understand the disease and see your A's manipulation...(No..I don't know why he has to pretend..I won't even go there..)

Glad you are starting to understand he is still really sick..just because they don't drink doesn't mean the addictive personality goes away..in fact - it never goes away..they can change through the 12 steps but really it is one day at a time for them with their behavior too..

There's a great book I have (not Alanon approved) but I should lend it to you. It is by Hazelden and called "The Addictive Personality"..It really helped me understand the cycles they go through..

Like I said..he is not all of a sudden healthy..imho you are far healthier then him..sometimes when we are with A's they start to bring us down to their level..I had really good self esteem before I met my A....his lying, manipulation, controlling and accusing me started to erode at me..He told me I was arrogant etc..(because I love myself and have self confidence I'm arrogant..yeah..right..)

Me: HOLY COW

I had better get healthy fast..... I will be on his list of past issues and he will get there someday.... I best be healthy before then. But then he is going slower then the average bear so I still might have 5 or 10 years *chuckles being a stinker*

I can guess why he has to pretend, that one is easy enough.... Either he still does not get it and ignorance is bliss or the pain of dealing with it is too much and he has to hold that "happiness" close to him .... I have to think that it is a love/hate relationship within themselves... I remember how it felt to hate myself, not good at all and therefore you hold the only emotion you can VERY close to yourself.

You know what is helping alot too... That people are not fooled by his behavior. I see all the pats on the back, how he has "the fellowship" and they understand him... he is just not seeing that they really do "understand" and they are not as impressed with him as he thinks they are. Im not sure if its wrong for me to feel better about that but Im VERY glad to see it cuz then maybe Im not as insane as I was feeling.... Yep, too much of being around them will bring you down.

I would love the book if you dont mind loaning it out. Im a book junkie, though for now I NEED to be a test junky *sighs* not as much fun though

Sponsor: They do have a love hate relationship with themselves..When you are done with your exam there are two very good "drunkalogues"/novels you need to read.. the first one "A Million Little Pieces" which is about James Frey.. the other is "Drinking: A Love Story" written by a woman alcoholic..it really helped me understand just how bad they hate themselves..plus hearing more then one A's story about not even being able to look at themselves in the mirror..

it really helps with the compassion..

cwohio

cynay - wow - thanks for sharing your conversation - enlightening!