How to help sister?
 

Hello.

I am coming here becuase I do not know where to turn. Here's what the problem is:

I own my own house and my sister now lives with me. It's just the two of us. She has a problem with her drinking and just doesn't see it at all. I have spoken to her about it and asked her to get some help, or at least go talk to a counselor (she has insurance). She recently broke up with a boyfriend of over 4 years, has no drive to do anything in her life and just works all day and stops at a "place" on the way home everynight. Even when she comes home she still has one more. She drinks EVERYDAY to different extents.

I have no other family or friends in the area. We are in FL and I just moved here on ly 6 months ago myself and am trying to get my life together and help her get hers together too by letting her live here with me.

I do not want to kick her out if she doesn't get help because that won't solve the problem of her drinking, driving forgetting...you get the idea. I just love her so much and want her to be around forever....I am at a loss.

This past Friday night I found her in the bathroom on the floor, pants down - totally passed out. I went to wake her and see if she was ok, and she just sprung up like nothing happened. I told her I needed to use the batheroom and she said ok, just a minute. She then closed the door and peed on the floor. I couldn't believe it. I opened the door and told her to go to bed. She had NO idea what was going on. She was just all smiles and saying "What's the matter??" Over and over again. I did wake my BF and ask him to come help keep her in the bedroom while I cleaned up. He was very supportive and helped. We were both embarassed, shocked and scared to see her like this. God, she's only 33. The next morning, she didn't say anything and when I aksed her on Sunday night what she remembered...she said only that "we" all had fun earlier that evening. It was then I told her she had a problem and needed help. Oh, she did drink again on Sat. and on Sunday (Not to that extent though).


She promised me that this past monday she would find someone to go talk to - I even said I'd go with her too and just wait in the car or in the waiting room. When I asked her about it she said she did "look into it". Yeah, right.

Where do I go? What do I DO? Are there any ways I can have her put in a rehab if I am her sister?

Please help - I don't want her to die or to hurt someone else. Thank you.

(((Seanotes)))

My heart aches for you.

Your sister is the one who must decide to do something about her behavior.
What you can do is learn ways to step away and allow her to face her own consequences.

As hard as it may seem, she needs to wake up on the bathroom floor and realize she passed out in her own urine. Like any 33 year old she needs to put herself to bed and clean up her own messes.

YOu need to protect yourself. If she smokes, you may need to take her matches and lighters so she doesn't fall asleep with a lit cigarette and burn down the house. You can learn to set boundaries. But you need to know you didn't cause her problems, you can't cure her problems and you certainly can't control them. It is all in her hands.

I urge you to read all you can read about this disease. Learn, learn, learn! Attend al-anon...many of us have gained tools and much knowledge from our meetings.

I hope you'll stick around, there is a great deal of wisdom on this board.

Hi Seanotes and welcome to the forums.

You can talk to a lawyer about the laws in your area, but I know that where I live it is very very difficult to have another adult commited. People have the right to drink themselves to death, it seems. If you know she is drinking and driving you should report her to the police while it's happening. She does not have the right to endanger other people on the road. Short of that, there's not a lot you can do. Especially if you are not willing to kick her out. This will sound harsh, but while you make it easy for her to drink without consequences, you are contributing to the problem.

Look around for an alanon meeting in your area. You should be able to find a listing in the phone book. And read what you can about alcoholism. Even if she is stubborn and unwilling to get help, you don't have to be devoured by her disease. She is your sister and you love her and would do anything to make her well. There probably isn't anyone who posts here who couldn't replace the nouns & pronouns in that sentence and make a true statement about their own situation. And many here have torn themselves to shreds trying to fix what they cannot fix. You're not there yet. Learning about the disease can help keep you from falling into the codependency traps. Love your sister, but take care of yourself.

Keep posting!
Hugs,
Smoke

Yeppers. We get the idea. That's what brought us here. We aided the alcoholic without consideration for ourselves. Some eventually got with the program and others are still lying in their urine.

As Smoke said...if she's driving, you need to report it to the police. You're aware of the dangers involved. If she injures herself or for that matter, kills someone.

You need to find alanon meetings in your area. It might be a good idea to ask your boyfriend to attend with you. With time, it may affect your relationship. Don't put it off. Please, please, please seek help for yourself. Go to meetings. Lots of them.

There is nothing you can do to help your sister. The decision to seek help has to come from her. Only her.

Blessings

Thank you three for your answers and suggestions. I know she has to want to help herself. So what do I do about her living her with me though? She doesn't smoke in the house..is very respectful about that and is a good person at heart. She isn't nasty or anything...just "happy" and doesn't answer any questions or respond to anything I have to say about her drikning.

So I have her move out - do I give her a time limit? My bf lives in Key West so I am all alone most of the time other than her when she comes home from work.

What's al anon going to do for me? It can't help her. And that's what I want to do. I am not going to enable her at all. NOt drinking with her , not covering up anything at all anymore either. Is there an alternative to al anon?

seanotes - welcome and read, read, read all you can on this site. what the others above said pretty much sums it up. you need to learn about the disease and take care of yourself.

Alanon is going to educate you about the progression and effects of the disease on her and what it's doing to you. It's such an insidious disease, we barely know it's happening. You'll learn that it doesn't have to affect you and how to overcome any obstacles that come your way.

As to enabling, you're doing it now. You cleaned up her mess. You're allowing her to live in your home under circumstances you find unacceptable and aren't doing anything about it. Things I've done so many times in the past, thinking I'm being a decent person and after all , they're blood. Any act of kindness involving alcohol and the alcoholic is enabling. It would go against our grain if we felt we didn't do something to help. But while we're being a kindhearted soul, we're hurting ourselves.

Alanon meetings have lots of free literature you can pick up. If you're like many of us, you'll think they're talking about you directly. It's actually kind of scary.

The posts on SR are filled with information too. You can hear and feel the pain. And you'll also hear the joy from those who have made major decisions that helped them detach from the alcoholic and how they regained their lives. You'll find situations similar to yours. Take the time to jump back several months and read what others have posted.

Blessings and Grace

Seanotes,

You are already enabling her. What alanon could do is help you to see that. And no, alanon won't help your sister. It's to help you. You can't help your sister. You can let her fall on her butt, though. Sometimes that makes them want to help themselves. She doesn't smoke in the house? Great! Dino could never accomplish that one. How many times is it going to be okay for her to defile your bathroom floor for you to clean up? It doesn't sound like it's worn you down enough yet for you to look for help for yourself. If you get there, alanon may be for you.

Hugs!