can't afford to divorce
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: over the rainbow
Posts: 487
can't afford to divorce
so the reality is I do not have a job. one kid will be in kindergarten next year, and he doesn't make enought $ for us to live seperately until i at least get back on my feet.
talk about going through the motions. now what do i do?
this is going to feel like i am capitulating to his drinking.
i am thinking that i will stay until i get a job and my kid goes to school full-time. this is at least one and a half years away. or at least until i get a job which will make me feel more comfortable financially about going our separate ways.
we have been discussing separation without getting lawyers involved-to save money. i've read if we can work it out ourselves it is best for everyone. someone please tell me how i deal with BACKPEDDLING!
talk about going through the motions. now what do i do?
this is going to feel like i am capitulating to his drinking.
i am thinking that i will stay until i get a job and my kid goes to school full-time. this is at least one and a half years away. or at least until i get a job which will make me feel more comfortable financially about going our separate ways.
we have been discussing separation without getting lawyers involved-to save money. i've read if we can work it out ourselves it is best for everyone. someone please tell me how i deal with BACKPEDDLING!
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
Back peddeling aye? gently squeeze the brake handels and stop... look around you what does the road ahead look like to you? You have the power to create what you want never forgget that...
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Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Anaheim,CA
Posts: 549
now what do i do?
Step by step, day by day...You CAN achieve whatever it is you want to accomplish!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: over the rainbow
Posts: 487
thanks everyone. i need all your support I can get right now and i really am very grateful for it. i just had the consultation with the lawyer and he definitely gave me some perspective. couple things he asked me- when was the last time you had feelings for your husband?-
with your husband practicing his addictions as long as he had-he really doesn't feel anything right now. - chances are he is not going to change, and even if he did get hit with a 2 by 4 by getting a divorce his change would not be forever. just the lawyers' experience with such matters.
a good clause in the visiting rights would be to put in there the husband may have visitation rights as long as he has not ingested/taken/used/had any alcohol or drugs at least 8 to 12 hours before and during visitation. if he does he will be deemed an unfit parent and will lose all visitation rights.
he told me i may be better off in the split right now without a job than with.
this is going to be hairy.
needs to be recorded in courts to be enforceable.
he will have to pay for all the outstanding bills cause i do not have a job. will have to pay child support and alimony.
virtually i should figure on half of husband's income.
issues regarding children is renegotiable. disposition of assets is done deal once filed and recorded.
may offset his portion of equity in house with my portion of his retirement money.
if all else fails can always file for divorce.
with your husband practicing his addictions as long as he had-he really doesn't feel anything right now. - chances are he is not going to change, and even if he did get hit with a 2 by 4 by getting a divorce his change would not be forever. just the lawyers' experience with such matters.
a good clause in the visiting rights would be to put in there the husband may have visitation rights as long as he has not ingested/taken/used/had any alcohol or drugs at least 8 to 12 hours before and during visitation. if he does he will be deemed an unfit parent and will lose all visitation rights.
he told me i may be better off in the split right now without a job than with.
this is going to be hairy.
needs to be recorded in courts to be enforceable.
he will have to pay for all the outstanding bills cause i do not have a job. will have to pay child support and alimony.
virtually i should figure on half of husband's income.
issues regarding children is renegotiable. disposition of assets is done deal once filed and recorded.
may offset his portion of equity in house with my portion of his retirement money.
if all else fails can always file for divorce.
Last edited by escape artist; 06-09-2005 at 10:00 AM. Reason: more words to remember from lawyer
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Arizona
Posts: 928
There are always solutions to our problems..sometimes it just takes some time..
A few suggestions:
1. Could you share an apartment with a roommate (another single mom?)
2. Could you get a job and go on some sort of public assistance?
There are solutions..don't be discouraged!
A few suggestions:
1. Could you share an apartment with a roommate (another single mom?)
2. Could you get a job and go on some sort of public assistance?
There are solutions..don't be discouraged!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Chaos City
Posts: 605
My H mentioned to me before, if we get divorced, he would not want to involve lawyers either. In my case there would be no way, I intimidate to easily, and he is the master of manupilation.
Mind you I am getting alot better, but we also have alot of toys, and the house. He considers the house his, because his father co-signed for it and if it wasnt for him we wouldnt have it. (This was six years ago)
Since then my name was added to the house, his father's was taken off by a quick claim deed. I also invested half of the down payment (10,000) for me and (10,000) for him. So it is just as much mine as his, I also worked the entire time and continue to pay half of everything. He figures he gets the big screen, since it is always something he wanted, he gets the jet ski, and I get the camper.
So am I suppose to pack three kids up in my camper and move to a State Park.
Crazy!!
Mind you I am getting alot better, but we also have alot of toys, and the house. He considers the house his, because his father co-signed for it and if it wasnt for him we wouldnt have it. (This was six years ago)
Since then my name was added to the house, his father's was taken off by a quick claim deed. I also invested half of the down payment (10,000) for me and (10,000) for him. So it is just as much mine as his, I also worked the entire time and continue to pay half of everything. He figures he gets the big screen, since it is always something he wanted, he gets the jet ski, and I get the camper.
So am I suppose to pack three kids up in my camper and move to a State Park.
Crazy!!
too much on my plate!!
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: not kissing frogs anymore
Posts: 646
I agree with what Minx said. There are always options. You may not like having a smaller apartment or having a roommate, but it sure beats having to stay with him for another year.
I wasn't married to my A, although I did feel like it at times; we shared everything. He made most of the money, and now that he is gone I'm struggling like crazy to stay afloat, but I know in my heart I did the right thing for myself. I plan on moving out of our townhouse, as I cannot afford this place alone. I'm not really into the idea of having a roommate so I'm just looking for something smaller and probably not as nice.
It's hard for me, as I'm very particular, but I have no other options. Besides I don't have to deal with him and his disease anymore.
I wasn't married to my A, although I did feel like it at times; we shared everything. He made most of the money, and now that he is gone I'm struggling like crazy to stay afloat, but I know in my heart I did the right thing for myself. I plan on moving out of our townhouse, as I cannot afford this place alone. I'm not really into the idea of having a roommate so I'm just looking for something smaller and probably not as nice.
It's hard for me, as I'm very particular, but I have no other options. Besides I don't have to deal with him and his disease anymore.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Bronx, NY
Posts: 34
It is very hard to extricate yourself from a marriage and ownership of things. Last week, I was ready to throw in the towel and give up my home and everything I worked for. But through some very good advice on this site, I didn't jump through blindly. I have a lot at stake and have to protect my children's future. Even though every instinct in me is screaming get out, get out, I realized that it is not that easy, it's better with a plan. So plan away and take heart that you are doing something to change your future.
CBB
CBB
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Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: That's what I'd like to know.
Posts: 2,416
Your lawyer sounds so... lawyerly. Behave in such a way as to get every scrap you can get. Take half of not very much. At least you're TAKING something. I had a lawyer when I dissolved my business partnership. I just wanted to do everything right. He wanted to screw my partner and I was not having any of it. I kept having to pull him back. Of course... she was taking the similar advice her lawyer was giving her. LOL
You're not backpeddling. You're just peddling more slowly. It's okay to take your time and to feel secure about the decisions you're making. It's okay to do your own math and not rely on a lawyer's. Some of them think it's their job to decimate the opponent, not do whats best for everyone. It's such a balancing act. Don't hesitate to act but don't let yourself be rushed. Above all, listen to YOUR heart. If you can't stand another minute of him, nothing is worth staying. If your bigger fear is starving, it's not worth leaving.
Keep talking it out. Writing it out. In our confusion that's sometimes a good way to focus on our feelings.
Hugs!
Smoke
You're not backpeddling. You're just peddling more slowly. It's okay to take your time and to feel secure about the decisions you're making. It's okay to do your own math and not rely on a lawyer's. Some of them think it's their job to decimate the opponent, not do whats best for everyone. It's such a balancing act. Don't hesitate to act but don't let yourself be rushed. Above all, listen to YOUR heart. If you can't stand another minute of him, nothing is worth staying. If your bigger fear is starving, it's not worth leaving.
Keep talking it out. Writing it out. In our confusion that's sometimes a good way to focus on our feelings.
Hugs!
Smoke
Member
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Brantford, Ontario
Posts: 22
You have to be emotionally there for yourself and for your child. I know a fair amount of people that stayed for child, lack of money, lack of job and left without there self-esteem, self respect. You are now raising a child in a unhappy home and they are a product of our environment. It is not your fault!!!! or so I've been told. I'm not you and I'm not in your situation, but I have in the past left a idiot with an addiction who thought he had it all. Every mother would do anything for there child right? If you wait for the right time, it will never come.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: north east
Posts: 58
Dear Escape Artist-
Here is one thing that I learned from my first husband and our divorce. My kids were somewhat older. One was in high school and one was in college.
I was left with a lot of debt but I really wanted to stay in my home. I was afraid that the kids would not get a college education. So I really pushed for that.
I agreed to have him pay for the older child's education and took a very low amount for child support. We agreed to split the younger one's college. I also pushed for health insurance for us all. I took over the home payments so after 23 years of marriage I recieved no support for myself. I had no job exect for maintaing a "fun" farm. I thought I was being smart and that it would protect my kids until I could get this "fun" farm into a real working farm.
Well, after a year of no college payments, no health insurance and no child support because this husband (that was a lawyer himself) became umeployed. He was living with his parents. I went to see another lawyer and he told me my divorce might as well have not been written- he was a little crude and told my that the toilet paper in his bathroom was worth more.
He told me I should have pushed for the child support and forgotten the other stuff. He said you can never go bankrupt on child support. When they go bankrupt you can forget all the other stuff. Plus, also if they quit working you can not have their wages attached- but they still have to pay the child support no matter what.
Just thought you might learn from my mistakes.
PS:
So how did I end up of this board- after 15 years if being single I thought I found a great person. He turns out to be a closet drinker - he hid his drinking from me for the three years that we dated. So now I am looking at divorce number two.
Here is one thing that I learned from my first husband and our divorce. My kids were somewhat older. One was in high school and one was in college.
I was left with a lot of debt but I really wanted to stay in my home. I was afraid that the kids would not get a college education. So I really pushed for that.
I agreed to have him pay for the older child's education and took a very low amount for child support. We agreed to split the younger one's college. I also pushed for health insurance for us all. I took over the home payments so after 23 years of marriage I recieved no support for myself. I had no job exect for maintaing a "fun" farm. I thought I was being smart and that it would protect my kids until I could get this "fun" farm into a real working farm.
Well, after a year of no college payments, no health insurance and no child support because this husband (that was a lawyer himself) became umeployed. He was living with his parents. I went to see another lawyer and he told me my divorce might as well have not been written- he was a little crude and told my that the toilet paper in his bathroom was worth more.
He told me I should have pushed for the child support and forgotten the other stuff. He said you can never go bankrupt on child support. When they go bankrupt you can forget all the other stuff. Plus, also if they quit working you can not have their wages attached- but they still have to pay the child support no matter what.
Just thought you might learn from my mistakes.
PS:
So how did I end up of this board- after 15 years if being single I thought I found a great person. He turns out to be a closet drinker - he hid his drinking from me for the three years that we dated. So now I am looking at divorce number two.
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
Is he reliable now? Once divorced will that change?
You will get half and will also get child support…
”IF” he pays as ordered by the courts.
“IF” he keeps his job and keep income flowing
“IF” he stays reliable or gets reliable
If you can’t rely on him now, don’t look to the future with reliance on him either.
The lawyer spins a nice story. The lawyer will tell you what he sees and how things have worked out according to life from his perspective.
Divorce is not the answer/cure all. The lawyer will try and tell you it is. That is how he gets paid. No divorce … no paycheck for the lawyer.
Rather then look at a divorce, try looking at boundaries…
What do you need do for you to find peace?
What of his actions do you need to set boundaries on so his actions don’t disrupt your peace and sanity? Take care of your situation today with your boundaries in place and deal with life…one day at a time.
You will get half and will also get child support…
”IF” he pays as ordered by the courts.
“IF” he keeps his job and keep income flowing
“IF” he stays reliable or gets reliable
If you can’t rely on him now, don’t look to the future with reliance on him either.
The lawyer spins a nice story. The lawyer will tell you what he sees and how things have worked out according to life from his perspective.
Divorce is not the answer/cure all. The lawyer will try and tell you it is. That is how he gets paid. No divorce … no paycheck for the lawyer.
Rather then look at a divorce, try looking at boundaries…
What do you need do for you to find peace?
What of his actions do you need to set boundaries on so his actions don’t disrupt your peace and sanity? Take care of your situation today with your boundaries in place and deal with life…one day at a time.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: houston, tx
Posts: 323
The first thing you need to do is get a job- maybe part time at first. You need to feel secure enough that you can make it on your own. He is an alcoholic- reliable to be unreliable. He could lose his job at anytime or get a DWI and be put in jail. At one time my h and I lived sperately in the same house. He lived in the living room which had a sofa bed and we shared the kitchen. Lisen to the advice about getting child support.
At 57 I started my own pet sitting business. My h was in and out of work and I saw someone needed a steady income. Now 4 years later I could make it on my own. It is harder with young children but you can do it. dax
At 57 I started my own pet sitting business. My h was in and out of work and I saw someone needed a steady income. Now 4 years later I could make it on my own. It is harder with young children but you can do it. dax
Member
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: Canada
Posts: 727
Hey escape artist,you say he doesn't make enough $ for us to live seperately.
He will have to pay for ALL the,outstanding bills{which you are part of those bills,and have your part in them} cause i do not have a job..He pays alimony?.Who doesn't want their cake and eat it too.If my hub would have paid for everything,id have been long gone,before coming to recovery rooms,and not even thought about any recovery.Thinking that once i left him,all my issues or most of them would be gone.While i was still hurting,i could not make clear,rational decisions.I thought i was stuck but i wasn't stuck at all.Taking responsibilty,for myself.Thats whats and where its all about.I headed to the recovery rooms,putting all else of my issues on the back bunner.There was alot of stuff going on too.But my recovery came first.And i handed all over to the care of God.At first while still struggling,my focus was on making the best out of a bad situation.Which all of this for me turned,completly around through God,s grace.Just never know how things turn out.No one does.And if this had turned out differently,i know that i have to take responsibilty.,i,as in,Getting a job,or going to school,life on lifes terms.Many husbands,have skipped out of alimony.Simply by getting lost,and or not working.They found ways.Can't rely on others to do for me,what i must do for myself.If i do,then they hold the strings to my life.To each their own.Of course if they try to skip on child-support,,thats a different story.Let go,let God.Ask daily what His will is for your life...One day at a time.Pray for serenity,until you make your decisions,for your life,with the help of God.
Sending prayers for the healing of your family.
God bless,,take care!!!!!!!!!!!
He will have to pay for ALL the,outstanding bills{which you are part of those bills,and have your part in them} cause i do not have a job..He pays alimony?.Who doesn't want their cake and eat it too.If my hub would have paid for everything,id have been long gone,before coming to recovery rooms,and not even thought about any recovery.Thinking that once i left him,all my issues or most of them would be gone.While i was still hurting,i could not make clear,rational decisions.I thought i was stuck but i wasn't stuck at all.Taking responsibilty,for myself.Thats whats and where its all about.I headed to the recovery rooms,putting all else of my issues on the back bunner.There was alot of stuff going on too.But my recovery came first.And i handed all over to the care of God.At first while still struggling,my focus was on making the best out of a bad situation.Which all of this for me turned,completly around through God,s grace.Just never know how things turn out.No one does.And if this had turned out differently,i know that i have to take responsibilty.,i,as in,Getting a job,or going to school,life on lifes terms.Many husbands,have skipped out of alimony.Simply by getting lost,and or not working.They found ways.Can't rely on others to do for me,what i must do for myself.If i do,then they hold the strings to my life.To each their own.Of course if they try to skip on child-support,,thats a different story.Let go,let God.Ask daily what His will is for your life...One day at a time.Pray for serenity,until you make your decisions,for your life,with the help of God.
Sending prayers for the healing of your family.
God bless,,take care!!!!!!!!!!!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: far from home
Posts: 12
Hi just a thought on what you were saying about visitation stipulations, how will you enforce that unless he is having regular drug testing? I know that my AH was supposed to have regular drug testing and if one came up positive he couldnt see his son until he has three clean tests, needless to say that didnt stop him using but its worth having in your custody papers.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,548
Escape artist, I'm looking at a "slowly peddling" divorce situation, too. No kids, though.
Careful about do-it-yourself divorces, in your situation, w/ little ones, it can leave you w/out some much-needed protection. AH and wife #1 did their own, and it left him w/ no official schedule for visitation, so it was basically whenever she felt like making the child available. She moved out of state. You don't have to cheat your husband or treat him unfairly. But with your own lawyer looking out for your best interest, he won't easily cheat you, either.
Careful about do-it-yourself divorces, in your situation, w/ little ones, it can leave you w/out some much-needed protection. AH and wife #1 did their own, and it left him w/ no official schedule for visitation, so it was basically whenever she felt like making the child available. She moved out of state. You don't have to cheat your husband or treat him unfairly. But with your own lawyer looking out for your best interest, he won't easily cheat you, either.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: over the rainbow
Posts: 487
well, things are going as expected now--AH didn't come home last night!!! Guess he is proving his point. So why would i leave my kids with him ever when he does this kind of crap.
I have been praying for my HP's will not mine. Today, I don't feel as bad as I would-for one the kids spent the nite with their cousins and don't know about dad's nite out- at least not yet.- Since i feel he is about out of the house anyway, i really don't care-as this would usually be a problem for me- i think he is trying to get me angry or anxious. i am not taking the bait.
and yes, i realize he may just crap out and not even be available- that will be his loss. anyway, i DO feel relief right now thinking that i will soon no longer be a part of his insanity anymore. thanks everyone! your advice, information and warnings are well-taken!
I have been praying for my HP's will not mine. Today, I don't feel as bad as I would-for one the kids spent the nite with their cousins and don't know about dad's nite out- at least not yet.- Since i feel he is about out of the house anyway, i really don't care-as this would usually be a problem for me- i think he is trying to get me angry or anxious. i am not taking the bait.
and yes, i realize he may just crap out and not even be available- that will be his loss. anyway, i DO feel relief right now thinking that i will soon no longer be a part of his insanity anymore. thanks everyone! your advice, information and warnings are well-taken!
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