Godblessu

I attended my third Alanon meeting last night. I felt that the program has helped me change my attitude toward my AH. I no longer react to his coming home drunk (twice since I attended my first meeting last week). This morning, he said that although he support me going to Alanon, he is afraid that they will turn me against him, advising me to leave etc. I explained to him that no body give out advise or told me what to do.

Does anyone share this experience...Does your A is starting to express 'concern' that the people at the meeting will turn you against him/her?

minnie

Hon, he is the one whose actions would turn you "against" him, not anyone else. It's just another way for him to shift the blame. I found that as I learned to detach, my ex would try other ways to push my buttons. Your H will probably be scared because he will now have to look at his own behaviour instead of having you as a ready excuse.

Al-anon isn't in the business of telling people to stay or leave, unless there is physical violence. In al-anon we learn that we have choices, that's all. Please don't let him manipulate you into not going to meetings. If they are helping you, then keep them up.

Love

Minnie
xxx

equus

Someone very wise here pointed out to me that it can be scary when someone knows it's their disease which is going to be discussed. I can understand that - not saying it's right but I can understand it. I've realised from these boards that isn't the case at Al - Anon but perhaps it's harder for him not to 'feel' that way?

You said your husband is supporting you going despite worrying? Do you get the feeling he wants you to stop - or is it more he wants reassurance?

bluester

Godblessu,I have somewhat of the same type problem you do. My AH expresses the fact he is afraid that the people at AlAnon will advice me to leave to. He is all so afraid that some at the meetings will know who he is. My AH wants me to go to a AlAnon meeting in another city. Guess he thinks he would be safe from anyone knowing him in a strange place. Weird thinking...I know. But will keep the peace and attend a meeting in another city.

Cap3

Hey Godblessu,i had a very hard time,getting to my meetings in early recovery.Hub,said and did everything to try to stop me from going.But this was important to me,and i went regardless.He felt that folks would try to turn me against him,and ,he was right on the mark,for,some actually did try,to do this.When i came to program i was very vunerable,thinking i should leave.Some preyed on this.Said that i must enjoy abuse,and being abused.What was it,oh that if i get abused,once,its ok,but if i get abused again shame on me??Something to that affect....I came for recovery..And so i started my relationship with God,and applying program in my life.Got with my sponsor,applying the steps.It doesn't really matter what others try to do,or what they say really.I let go,and let God.My focus was on my recovery,not really what the others thought..lol...No one can sway me,without my own permission.There are all kinds of folks in the meetings,as there are all kinds of folks outside, of the meetings...I got with the folks,who,s recovery i was looking for.,for myself.And gave no opinion on my marriage,no judgement..Rare folks,,lol...I am responsible,no matter what others say and or do.Its not about them,but its about me,and my recovery.
Thanks for letting me share,
God Bless,take care!!!!!!!!

FriendofBill

Its very typical thinking for an A to feel threatened by Al-anon.
Its his disease talking..dont listen.
Its his problem, not yours.

Keep on going,,,!

splendra

You could say, no dear I am learning to separate you from your disease in alanon, I love you but hate your disease so the fear must be coming from your disease not you cause I know you know I love you but, your disease knows I do not love it....give him something to chew on...

osier59

My A was so arrogant, he was convinced that all we did was talk about HIM. He actually WENT to one of my meetings when I was out of town on business.

Part of the issue was it was the first thing I did just for me. It was the beginning of my detachment, my regaining of my self. I told him " Believe it or not, it's NOT all about you. This is actually about and for ME. Go figure."

Keep going. It saved my life. Perhaps it will help you get your life back too!

Barb

Sapphoness

Good advice Splendra!!! If he was in a program or trying to work on his own issues he wouldn't be questioning your need to work on yours. If he can't understand and feels guilty for his behavior...good. Doing something for yourself isn't doing something against him.