equus

And will someone please slap me if I rattle on this time??

In a nutshell I feel 200% better today. D was ok with me telling my nurse friend about the depression and what the doc had said - he actually said so without me mentioning it.

My relief is that I feel far from alone with this now. My gratitude is to friendship, the tough talking, careful listening kind!! My friends taken it on herself to not only check into side effects of the AD he's on but also to cross reference the research with people who have had previous bad reactions to AD's - then to repeat the process cross referencing with alcohol abuse, addiction, problem drinking etc. It was oddly comforting to hear her refuse to comment from memory until she'd gone back and done the research.

I'm extremely lucky to have that level of support on hand!

For me I've booked another counselling session - just a one off. I'm not comfortable with how much this threw me off balance yesterday. I felt REALLY bad and I want the counsellors input because yesterday I certainly lost my emotional feet again, I fell into fear head first.

Thanks to all those who braved responding to a very irrational scared me...

minnie

Equus, hon, it's ok to feel scared, you know? You don't have to be the strong one all the time. There is support all around us, but sometimes we don't reach out for it. I am so glad you did. I have always been one to try and do it all myself, however, I am learning to open up to other people. I have Al-anon to thank for showing me that it's OK.

I get the feeling that the support YOU have shown D is allowing him to become more open about what is affecting him.

Take care

Minnie
xxx

equus

I'm reaching out for all I'm worth! He put his shirt on inside out this morning - not a t-shirt, a SHIRT. He wasn't drunk or hungover, this isn't permanent damage because it comes and goes and it is a symptom of severe depression. But even knowing all of that, knowing he's getting treatment now, knowing I have good support - just for a few minutes I know what I'm feeling is fear.

I'm glad I booked the counselling, first thing this morning I wondered if I should have done because I felt so much better, then the shirt thing, and I knew I need plenty of help with this.

I feel a bit guilty writing about this here but I also know alcohol problems and depression often co-exist so maybe it'll mean something to someone to see the nitty gritty on here.

splendra

I am glad you are going to counselling. Addiction is messy business there is no way to fold it up neat and put it on some top shelf in a far away closet. Your H is lucky he has someone who wants to understand with him. He may go through a bumpy ajustment to his meds a lot of men don't like the sexual side fxs either...

JessicaNAJ

Equus - you are one heck of a person. My hat is off to you. Your support for your Hubby is incredible.

GettingBy

(((Equus)))),

You have been here through so many of our "slips", we be nuts if we didn't do the same for you! Don't be so hard on yourself for the fear you had. You didn't wallow in it, you didn't feed it, and you addressed it head on and dealt with it! The good thing is that you brought your fear to a safe place, to people who understand, and didn't allow you to "fly off the handle." It frustrates the heck out of me when I slip into the old thinking (because I really HATE that way of life) but I have to accept that change takes time and lots of patience. I am just starting to learn the difference between "safe" and "unsafe" places to vent my emotions... we are all (for the most part! LoL!) safe here! We all have so much in common in our struggles, fears, hopes and dreams. I really appreciate the strength and wisdom you bring to the group!

I hope you have a peaceful and joyous day today!
Shannon

cwohio

equus - you are right on top of it again (as usual)! your gut feeling told you you needed to talk it out so it's good you kept the counseling appt. i hope these meds kick in and make D feel better soon!

equus

Thanks for all the encouragment - I don't really feel like I deserve much in the way of praise. I managed to make my encouraged strong feeling last all of a couple of hours - Go me...(Is sarcasm possible on the net?).

As for slips - the rule book is out the window, except for the bit about caring for myself. I'd rather trust my instincts and feel my way as I go with this, or even not trust them but still feel my way. Yeah the shirt thing is insignificant, inconsequential, and not exactly a drama but it threw me.

My overall conclusion is that I'm not really dealing with this very well, I think I'm doing the right things but my feelings are all over the place. Probably didn't help that I walked straight into work to a 2 boss and just me meeting about my job again - my line manager had said it was about our working relationship - but it wasn't. It was a pep talk 2 against 1 to 'thrash out' how to give kids feedback on their comments when nothing was actually done. Mucho talking about how my first loyalty should be to soc. serv., and how my post will soon be up for review.

And I sat there with two thoughts in my head, 1 - I'm going to have to trick kids for a living, I can't win this battle. 2 - I don't know why because I don't really know or like them but I wanted to just say 'My husband put his shirt on inside out this morning - not a T'shirt, one with a collar and buttons - but he didn't notice.'

My mouth kept doing the right thing, proffessionally, still battling to get what we can, handling it, using the right words. So much for my mouth and heart speaking the same language!!

Oh well - at least I have counselling on Monday evening. If she thinks I'm going a bit bonkers I'll get more help too.

gelfling

Dear Equus,

You're what we call, here in the states, a "tough cookie". You're an inspiration to all of us.

Your posts make me look at myself and wonder... I am grateful to you for sharing your thoughts, fears and wisdom.

Thanks for being a member of SR and teaching us what you're learning.

GettingBy

You're absolutely right about what you're doing. Sit with your feelings. Acknowledge them, and take the time to have acceptance before you jump to the "action." You're focusing on you and what you need to do to be better/healther/saner/happier/etc. Again, have patience with yourself about your feelings. There are so many days that I feel like I'm going insane b/c my emotions are completely running amok. One minute I'm happy, joyous and free, and then something happens that sends me into a downward spiral. I can't help it, it's who I am right now... I still don't like that I do it, but I'm doing the best I can RIGHT NOW. I allow myself to have my feelings, but I don't let my feelings have me. Does that make sense?

It's really hard to keep it together while I'm at work. I spent a large part of May just sitting here like a vegetable. I've told my boss a little bit of what's been going on so that he can decide if he wants to keep me as only "half" of an employee. He was very understanding about it the situation but also expressed the need for me to get back on task as soon as possible. It was a huge relief to be honest with him. Now I owe it to him to work on getting back to the job, and not use my personal problems as a free ticket to sit on my duff. For me it all comes back to being gentle with myself and knowing that I'm doing the best I can right now. Sure, I'd love to be able to leave my emotions at home, but that's just not possible right now... but I am getting better.

susane1408

A triumph is a triumph, no matter how small. Like they say " size doesn't matter"

equus

I wish I could walk into a room with you all and have a five minute cry. I can't let go because I'm at work but I just wish I could step next door you all be there and cry.

Then kick myself out of this godamn pity party!!!

splendra

((((equus))))

We can feel your pain. I am crying a tear or two for you right now. We are as close to you as the next room or even closer cause you are apart of our hearts and we are apart of yours too now....

cwohio

:tissue

cyber cry for you equus!!!!!

equus

Thanks Splendra
and cwohio, that just made me laugh!!! Thanks for the first laugh of the day!

I think I need to find a gormless spaced out looking one for me at the minute.

cwohio

:hairout

will either of these work?

(don't know what gormless is)

equus

Imagine a mouth part open, a lights are on but no-one is in look, perhaps throw in the occasional bubble being blown - that's gormless! Now carry this word and spread it throughout litterbox city and perhaps even the entire USA because it's needed, it's a needed word.

I don't think I can do weepy smileys, I'm only just begining to wagon cyber hugs!!

BTW - I've perked up a bit, I think weepy smileys scared me off self pity and being a drama queen!

splendra

gormless.... is that anything like dazed and confused? I think I could spread it around splendraville if I knew how to accent it....


BTW: where is my hug smiley?

equus

From dictionary.com !!

Huggy smilies??? Flippin' eck givus alf a chance wiya!! I'm suffering with gormlessness at the minute...

cwohio

splendra - dazed and confused - boy that phrase takes me back! (oops - showing my age)

any of these come close?

i will try to spread the word gormless thru out Litterbox City!!!