Be Pro-active, or wait?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 80
Be Pro-active, or wait?
My brother is back in our area after several months away in treatment and a month in a halfway house. I wrote previously that my mother and I were disappointed that he left the halfway house two months early, but since he has, we want to know how to be most supportive of him.
He has not contacted us, though he is in touch periodically with my sister in another part of the state. Sis suggested to him that he not contact our mother until he has a job, but that he might give me a call. So far he hasn't. Sis gave me his cell phone number. I'm torn as to whether to try to contact him to let him know we still love and support him, or wait until he contacts me. He has said in the past that he wants to distance himself from Mom and I until he's back on his feet (he can't stand to see us worry about him, he says). My sister thinks he says this because he's ashamed and thinks we hate him.
Any advice?
kgm
He has not contacted us, though he is in touch periodically with my sister in another part of the state. Sis suggested to him that he not contact our mother until he has a job, but that he might give me a call. So far he hasn't. Sis gave me his cell phone number. I'm torn as to whether to try to contact him to let him know we still love and support him, or wait until he contacts me. He has said in the past that he wants to distance himself from Mom and I until he's back on his feet (he can't stand to see us worry about him, he says). My sister thinks he says this because he's ashamed and thinks we hate him.
Any advice?
kgm
No expectations!
Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 8,732
kgm,
I'm curious as to why he left the half-way house early to begin with. That would play a big part in any decision I made in a situation like this. Have you talked to your sponsor about this? I recently had a situation in which I didn't know what to do, so I talked to as many people as possible about it first and decided to do nothing in the meantime. I can't tell you what to do or not do, but I hope this helps in some small way. Take care!
Love and hugs,
Eddie
I'm curious as to why he left the half-way house early to begin with. That would play a big part in any decision I made in a situation like this. Have you talked to your sponsor about this? I recently had a situation in which I didn't know what to do, so I talked to as many people as possible about it first and decided to do nothing in the meantime. I can't tell you what to do or not do, but I hope this helps in some small way. Take care!
Love and hugs,
Eddie
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 80
Be proactive?
The reasons he gave my sister for leaving the halfway house two months early were:
1. The environment was scary (he was the only person there who wasn't just coming out of jail for felony offenses)
2. The restrictions on out-of-house time made it hard for him to find a job (he had to be out by 8 am, in by 4 pm)
3. Most importantly, he felt he wanted to be closer to his 14-year-old son, who lives near us.
Essentially, I think he felt he was spinning his wheels in the halfway house, since he planned to relocate back to this area in two months anyway. He wanted to use his small savings to support his job search in this region instead of down there.
I know my mother and I aren't good for my brother, because we're both enablers who will try to "fix" things for him. We're also worriers, and that bothers and irritates him. So it may be that he really doesn't want contact with us right now. But I hate to have him feeling like he's been rejected by us.
1. The environment was scary (he was the only person there who wasn't just coming out of jail for felony offenses)
2. The restrictions on out-of-house time made it hard for him to find a job (he had to be out by 8 am, in by 4 pm)
3. Most importantly, he felt he wanted to be closer to his 14-year-old son, who lives near us.
Essentially, I think he felt he was spinning his wheels in the halfway house, since he planned to relocate back to this area in two months anyway. He wanted to use his small savings to support his job search in this region instead of down there.
I know my mother and I aren't good for my brother, because we're both enablers who will try to "fix" things for him. We're also worriers, and that bothers and irritates him. So it may be that he really doesn't want contact with us right now. But I hate to have him feeling like he's been rejected by us.
No expectations!
Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 8,732
Hmmm....on the one hand, I could say that if you REALLY think he is feeling ashamed, hated, and rejected, what would be the harm in calling? But on the other hand, you don't KNOW that he is feeling that way and he could just need some time and space to get on his feet without you and Mom worrying and enabling. So I appreciate your dilemma. Do you go to Al-Anon and have a sponsor you could share this with? When I was in the midst of a similar dilemma, I talked to my sponsor and lots of other folks as well. That's the best advice I can offer right now. Take it to a meeting. Still wishing you and your family the best!
Love and hugs,
Eddie
Love and hugs,
Eddie
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
How about planning a family dinner? Or a 4th of July cookout? You could call and invite him and his son.
Then he might not feel you are checking on him.
Just a thought..
Then he might not feel you are checking on him.
Just a thought..
Member
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: WA Rainforest
Posts: 209
Leave him alone. Your sister can act as go between to let him know you'd like contact but leave it up to him. Maybe he got what he needed out of the treatment etc if he can identify the enablers in his life and avoid contact with them.
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