Cynay

But its getting better.

I have been angry lately.... up until last Sunday I was doing ok, working through things, hurt because of that last chaos attempt when he did the 24 hour switch on me saying he is not over his ex wife and they are getting back together but doing ok...

Then Sunday night I go to my AA/Al-anon meeting and who in the heck walks through the door.... YEP my ex-ABF, and now Im struggling with all these feelings and feel sorry for my sponsor who has to put up with them.

1. Im angry he is there. Im angry that he strolls in acting like he is on top of the world, chatting, laughing and having what seems to me a great conversation with some girl.

2. I did not approach him, avoided him actually but Im hurt that he did not even act like there was a person in the room that he has torn apart. He did not say hello, ask how I am, or even make eye contact for that matter... though I was trying to avoid (except watching him chat with the girl) contact too.

3. Im angry with myself for feeling this way, for allowing him to have this effect... Im angry with myself for being jealous ... not only of the girl he was talking to (I rarely get jealous) but that his life is so happy happy joy joy and Im sitting in an AA meeting trying to understand and get my life back on track.

4. Im angry that his "fellowship" pats him on the back for a job well done, when he is probably not telling them that just two weeks ago, he was telling me he loved me, asking for second chances and the next day tells me the "secret" plans that he and his ex wife are makeing... Im angry that he can do all this and be considered the Great Guy Recovering... Im angry that people excuse his behavior because he is "Sick"

5. Im hurt and my ego is brused because after trying so hard, I was not enough.

6. Im mostly angry with myself for putting myself in this position, for talking to him again, for loving him, for hoping his/my recovery could mean a life together, for still feeling for him that this could effect me so much.

OK... before you give me the drill about all of it. Im just needed to vent. Yes I still pray for him, his ex-wife and the father of her baby that is living with her for now. Yes Im thankful that my life is now for the most part peaceful, happy and Im growing in leaps and bounds. Yes I know he is sick and Im grateful to have been taken out of the line of fire. But this one hurt and Im venting and angry and hurt and yes Sad too.

Yesterday was his Birthday, needless to say there was NO CONTACT

Thanks for letting me vent.

walkingtheline

Osier59 recommended a book a while back called The Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner. I bought it online used for something silly like 99 cents plus shipping.

I second her recommendation. It's very helpful.

minnie

Bet that feels better for getting it out!

I know how you feel - I've been through very similar emotions. I realised that it doesn't matter what my ex does, the only thing that matters is my life now. What goes around, comes around in my book. And he may be painting a pretty picture for everyone on the outside, but not necessarily on the inside.

Go beat up some pillows, hon.

Love

Minnie
xxx

Savana 54

Oh that must have been very, very hard on you ((((((((((((((((Cynay))))))))))))))))

I'm so lucky that my XA is now clear across the country in New Jersey!

Hang in there! Your very strong for even staying at the same meeting as him.

Cynay

Thanks... wish I could say I was strong.... my sponsor held my hand.

I wanted to leave, he NEVER goes to this meeting and the previous week I saw two of his "close fellowship" there.... then he pops up acting like the whole world is GREAT and happy go lucky.

I know its my issue, but part of me wonders why he is so friggin happy when Im still struggling. My head says that he is probably struggling, or just too sick to know that he has hurt people but the part I cant control says ... of course he is happy, he has his ex-wife in the future plans, someone is there for him, he is loved by his ex, "fellowship" and being pumped up all the time by his great recovery program.

I know I will get over this ... but for today Im venting.

Savana 54

Well first off you have a great sponser! Hopefully I will find one like that someday.

Secondly, I know what you mean about them acting as though everything is so happy, happy, joy, joy, when inside your still hurt. I have seen XA act this way as well. I've overheard some of his conversations with his "drinking buds" after we have gotten into an argument and he acts as though everything is ok. I onced asked him how he can live like that; and he said he bottles everything up inside. That he has always been like that. It's a "man" thing as well as an "A" thing.

I'm sure him showing up wasn't merely a coincidence.

Minx1969

C-

You don't have a bad attitude..You are just angry and in a lot of pain..I was so angry in the beginning..I would scream in my car until I was hoarse and I beat up a lot of pillows..

If he shows up again, you'll know it is not a coincidence but we can just pray he will stay away..If not, I know some people who can take him out..hahaha...

be patient with yourself.

Here's a prayer for you I have on my wall at work..I read it constantly.

May today there be peace within. May you trust your highest power that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith. May you use those gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you..May you be content knowing that you are a child of God...Let this presence settle into our bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love. It is there for each and every one of you.

Big hug,
Minx

CodeMaster

Cynay, just trust in destiny that evil will always get whats coming at them. You know the truth about him, his friends who only hear him brag about being sober but not speaking of those he carelessly hurts around him dont know him. They are often recoverying alcoholics or if they are actually recovered types, the very few, and they still pat him on the back, its not necessarily cause they feel he's a great person. They are just trying to support him in stopping drinking and they feel sympathy for him, a pity even.

I've seen people who look like they were insane, and I know their lives arent great, but I'd have this feeling to pat him on the back just to wish him the best in his recover for both the drugs and life in general cause I'd feel pity and what can you do to a pitiful drug addict? Get angry at them? Rebuke them for wrong doing? Its useless, and it'd only set them lower.

Meanwhile, its time for you to get out of this, convert your sadness to determination and have faith in destiny. Dont worry about your ex, destiny will take care of him whether it be great plans or getting whats coming at him.

To be honest, reading your post makes me never want to associate with any AA or AA Recovery program anymore. I'm starting to get mad at myself the same way you are, I'm not sure if I need to associate with any A's or AA related program or forum anymore. I love everyone here, but maybe I'm too weak to handle the pains I hear on this forum cause it gets to me. I'm finding myself starting to hate all A's, and I know this is wrong and generalizing... I may just take a break from all this A thinking and visiting any AA programs and just see how it is to live normally again.

Love Always to you Cynay

Cynay

Thanks Code

It gets to me too, and just last night that is exactally what I was saying to my sponsor, that I feel I want to get away from Al-anon/AA... that I dont want to think about the diease anymore, that I dont want to come home from work, pour a beer, sit down to read and have a nice cold one and the first thing that comes to mind is what I have lived through, read etc about this diease....

BUT.... I remember where I was last Feb, when I was a lurker.... when I was much more angry then today... Im probably hurting now and so angry only because instead of it being 7 months... I let him in last March... that means that its only 3 months now that Im recovering... and honestly I feel MUCH stronger then I did then. I have no idea why Im here or in Al-anon, but I do trust that the hand of God is directing me and with that said.... I have seen what happens when I dont listen. My way did not work, I know his way will..... SO Im open to learning and listening and growning.

BUT for today Im venting .... Thank God there are people here to listen.

CodeMaster

Thanks...

Minx1969

And THAT is what keeps me in Alanon..I have repeated this pattern of bad relationships over and over and over..I WILL NOT DO IT AGAIN!! I will keep my butt on a seat in Alanon until I learn a new way of having relationships..That is what I am doing..

When I got to Alanon a year ago, I had had enough of my old way of living..I was tired of the pain. I had numerous relationships with alcoholics..I desparately wanted to save the relationship I was in at the time with my exABF..I was and am willing to do whatever my sponsor tells me to do..And the growth has been amazing..if I had known 9 months ago when my relationship ended that I would have been this happy and able to deal with things better..

Code - AA is not the enemy. Alcoholics are not the enemy..We play our part in these unhealthy relationships..we stay..we let them treat us poorly..

I will not leave Alanon until I can learn to undo those behaviors..This is all about me and taking responsibility for my life and living my life to the fullest..

FriendofBill

Cynay...dont compare your insides to his outsides.

Alcoholics are good fakers, anyhow, remember?

Doesnt matter what goes on in him to heal you. You matter!

Any chance of going to just al-anon meetings in your area so this doesnt repeat?

YOur doing good...hug yourself and remind yourself that this too shall pass.

Cynay

Nope my line of sponsor is that I attend 2 Al-anon a week and one AA.... though if this continues to happen Im sure we will come up with an alternative .... either that or I will get much more skinny and have some bob inplants *chuckles* and then he wont be able to stand coming to this meeting.

Its easier said then done.... anyone who saw me that night would have known that there was a problem... anyone that saw him would think he has no care on the world. Now explain to me how that works. If I had slapped someone in the face 1 1/2 weeks ago (and yes I feel like that is what he did) and saw them .... I would at least have the basic manners to be someone what remorse. I can not imagine that he does not know that he hurt me and yet he acts not only like nothing happened and he is the sainted A in recovery but also ignores me completely???

Yes I know that this is my issue, I know all this will pass and I know that he is sick... but it ticks me off just the same.

cwohio

((cynay)) i think you put into words what a lot of us feel/have felt. i sometimes can't even get to that place - i know i am angry, but can't quite put my finger on all the things i am angry at if that makes sense. i obviously have a lot of work to do or i am a tougher nut to crack so to speak!

thanks for sharing!

CodeMaster

I think I was a bit emotional lately because I've been recoverying and am still sick, literally have a cold Else I dont think my emotions would be so emotional normally... so sorry if I seemed a little critical of anything AA related, I really wasnt taking AA as the enemy, but more the constant thinking about this disease was pissing me off...

I'm still sick, just took rest of day off from work, my housemate cooked me some really good soup, going to get some rest now.

Hang in there Cynay...

Cynay

No need to apologize to me Code... you know Im not the most stanch supportor of AA... Im getting much better with Al-anon. If we can say what we feel here then where else can we. AA/Al-anon and what we have gone through and continue to are very emotional issues. I appreciate that we can be honest here however we feel.

Im sorry your not feeling well, and hope you get better soon *hugs*