Boundary
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Boundaries free me from confusion. I don't have to think through each and every situation as I already know what to do. Also, as I continue to enforce my boundaries, other people begin to know where the line is drawn and don't try to go beyond it. Well, they do after a period of headbutting against it! The end result is that my life becomes simpler.
Boundaries protect me and my identity. They enable me to build my self-respect every time I enforce one. And as I get healthier, I develop new boundaries without even thinking.
Boundaries don't limit me, they limit the impact of other peoples' behaviour on me. And to me that's a good thing.
Boundaries protect me and my identity. They enable me to build my self-respect every time I enforce one. And as I get healthier, I develop new boundaries without even thinking.
Boundaries don't limit me, they limit the impact of other peoples' behaviour on me. And to me that's a good thing.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: Canada
Posts: 727
Thanks for sharring minnie.Ahe yes crossing the line..The gal i was talking to last night,from program said to me,that she didn't have any boundaries.That she use to.But that once she let go of that line,she was more acceptable of folks,and got to know them better.What confused me,was that,she says she has,,no boundaires,what-so-ever???I don't know.I mean,boudaries,i have them,.isnt it natural?Don't spit at my table is one..lol.But you know what i mean..seriously.I,told her id have to take time with this one.because,im not getting it i guess.Thats why i posted.And your response has been helpful.Thanks again.
Last edited by Cap3; 06-06-2005 at 11:27 AM. Reason: adding to post.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: uk
Posts: 3,054
It might be worth asking her how she defines a boundary - she might have given the word a completely different meaning.
I don't really think about boundaries much, but they are there. I don't accept rudeness, and have a zero tolerence of name calling but luckily neither one is that prevelant in my life - which is probably why I don't think about them much.
There's something else though, not as absolute as a boundary, more negotiated but definately an expectation where there would be consequences if it was continuously unmet. I have expectations about lots of things; for example the give and take of friendship - sometimes they can be stretched a little in either direction so they aren't strictly a boundary. They'd better not stretch too far though because once snapped - wallop! with that person suddenly there's a boundary!!
I don't really think about boundaries much, but they are there. I don't accept rudeness, and have a zero tolerence of name calling but luckily neither one is that prevelant in my life - which is probably why I don't think about them much.
There's something else though, not as absolute as a boundary, more negotiated but definately an expectation where there would be consequences if it was continuously unmet. I have expectations about lots of things; for example the give and take of friendship - sometimes they can be stretched a little in either direction so they aren't strictly a boundary. They'd better not stretch too far though because once snapped - wallop! with that person suddenly there's a boundary!!
1000 Post Club
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Recoveryville, USA
Posts: 1,297
I set boundaries on myself, not others.
I determine what is best for me and follow the path to achieve that.
Example:
Someone constantly verbally abuses me, saying things to intentionally hurt me.
I do NOT give them the ultimatum that they must cease from that behavior OR ELSE I will end the relationship. Ive given those or else's til im blue in the face and they aint worked yet.
What I do is this:
1.Make a decision that it is unacceptable to have that happen to me.
2.Inform that person that I choose not to be in thier presence or accept their calls as they are verbally offensive to me and I do not accept that kind of behavior.
3. And then I detach. I dont answer thier calls, open the door to them etc.
This, to me, is taking care of the things I can control.
If that person wishes to change thier behavior and make ammends, GREAT! A nice unexpected blessing. If not, I have not waited around for them to change, had gotten my hopes us or been disapointed.
Currently, I am on day 6 of a no-contact boudnary that I set for my former spouse. He keeps calling, leaving messages. I delete them. My boundary is protecting me from his abuse. Ya, I wish things were different, but Im saving my own life here.
I determine what is best for me and follow the path to achieve that.
Example:
Someone constantly verbally abuses me, saying things to intentionally hurt me.
I do NOT give them the ultimatum that they must cease from that behavior OR ELSE I will end the relationship. Ive given those or else's til im blue in the face and they aint worked yet.
What I do is this:
1.Make a decision that it is unacceptable to have that happen to me.
2.Inform that person that I choose not to be in thier presence or accept their calls as they are verbally offensive to me and I do not accept that kind of behavior.
3. And then I detach. I dont answer thier calls, open the door to them etc.
This, to me, is taking care of the things I can control.
If that person wishes to change thier behavior and make ammends, GREAT! A nice unexpected blessing. If not, I have not waited around for them to change, had gotten my hopes us or been disapointed.
Currently, I am on day 6 of a no-contact boudnary that I set for my former spouse. He keeps calling, leaving messages. I delete them. My boundary is protecting me from his abuse. Ya, I wish things were different, but Im saving my own life here.
Cruelty-Free
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Body: South Florida Heart: Yosemite National Park
Posts: 914
Originally Posted by FriendofBill
I set boundaries on myself, not others.
I determine what is best for me and follow the path to achieve that.
Example:
Someone constantly verbally abuses me, saying things to intentionally hurt me.
I do NOT give them the ultimatum that they must cease from that behavior OR ELSE I will end the relationship. Ive given those or else's til im blue in the face and they aint worked yet.
What I do is this:
1.Make a decision that it is unacceptable to have that happen to me.
2.Inform that person that I choose not to be in thier presence or accept their calls as they are verbally offensive to me and I do not accept that kind of behavior.
3. And then I detach. I dont answer their calls, open the door to them etc.
This, to me, is taking care of the things I can control.
If that person wishes to change thier behavior and make amends, GREAT! A nice unexpected blessing. If not, I have not waited around for them to change, had gotten my hopes us or been disapointed.
I determine what is best for me and follow the path to achieve that.
Example:
Someone constantly verbally abuses me, saying things to intentionally hurt me.
I do NOT give them the ultimatum that they must cease from that behavior OR ELSE I will end the relationship. Ive given those or else's til im blue in the face and they aint worked yet.
What I do is this:
1.Make a decision that it is unacceptable to have that happen to me.
2.Inform that person that I choose not to be in thier presence or accept their calls as they are verbally offensive to me and I do not accept that kind of behavior.
3. And then I detach. I dont answer their calls, open the door to them etc.
This, to me, is taking care of the things I can control.
If that person wishes to change thier behavior and make amends, GREAT! A nice unexpected blessing. If not, I have not waited around for them to change, had gotten my hopes us or been disapointed.
What a great definition of boundaries, FoB, especially the part about verbalizing the boundary! When I set boundaries in my head, I'm continually surprised when chaos and confusion ensue.
It took me years in program to finally understand that I set boundaries for me and not for others. Then I take my boundaries with me wherever I go. I couldn't do that if I were still building walls. It's hard to carry a wall (but oh-so-easy to bang my head against)...
Sometimes I envision a boundary as a hula-hoop. If I let someone stand inside the hula-hoop with me, things are gonna get uncomfortable fast. So, I pick up my hula-hoop and go where I need to go to be safe.
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