crossing the line
 

What can I do. My AH went to where my daughter is a waitress tonight drunk. She knew he was drunk and she was devastated. He didn't make to much of a scene, and she served him fast and got him out as soon as she could. But he still did things like talked loudly, etc. Now what do we say to him. He crossed the line. How do we keep him from doing it again. HELP!

teach her to stand tall.. stand tall and proud of who she is.

this wasnt her. teach her not to let it reflect on her. she is an individual. and although some people may feel upset with her, (wrongly), she didnt do anything wrong. reinforce that with her.

put down a boundary. maybe.. no more going to her work under any conditions. and have a consequence lined up if he does it again.

be prepared for a lot of boundary pushing... they dont seem to see how you bend until you break for some reason.

she is employed, which means she is responsible, and well liked. teach her to take pride in herself and that this doesnt reflect on her as an individual. my daughters father would show up all the time just to "be the concerned parent" at the most horrible places.

she had to put her foot down because my words werent enough. once she did.. it increased her self empowerment, and self confidence. and it stopped that behavior right quick too.

quietsins

We did talk a lot when she got home and I hope I helped her feel better. I didn't realize that he told her I was a bitch (because he was drunk last night and I was mad at him for that.) Thanks for the input. I am just worried now that he is starting a new phase in his drinking. It probably is going to get a lot worse before it gets better. My daughter has been away at college and hasn't had to deal with this for a while. I feel so bad that she has to. My other daughter is still at home and we are used to him. And we just go about our business. Its just so sad. Way to ruin his life.

i don't know if you can do anything--but maybe you can express how it made made you feel/she can express how it made her feel--maybe wait till he is sober. my husband would black out and cross the line-- push friends, throw drinks on me-- and then feel sorry for himself than no one thought it was funny, no one liked him, etc. but when he was sober, and my friend's husband called and was really angry, straight forward--toldhim how much it hurt her to be pushed around- and he listened, and felt awful and started going to aa. of course, he didn'tstay sober, but.....

My daughters and I were talking last night on how to handle him. We didn't know if we should go the compasionate or mad route with him. I do know that what ever I say won't really make a difference. Like you said they feel bad and then do it again. He,they all, have to be held accountable for their actions. Its one thing to want to hurt themselves. But when they drag family and innocent people down with them its just sooooo sad.

How about calling the cops and reporting a drunk driver?

If you did it from a pay phone it can not be traced. He need never know. Not sure if a cell is anonymous.

Just a thought.. :)

Carol! I like the way your mind works!
Sometimes it's a type of intervention that works with soooo many!
It will cost a little money but it is a serious wake up call for lots of us.

Good luck and hang in there, don't give up on getting the life you deserve!

I agree about talking to the alcoholic when he or she is sober. Don't even bother when they are under the influence.

Try not to be angry or shame the alcoholic - that just feeds their addiction even more. You have to set very clear boundaries as to what is acceptable and what is not acceptable - and you have to do it in a firm, calm way.

This is really difficult to do when you are angry and upset, by the way!

Robin

PS - Going to Alanon is really helping me stay sane when dealing with the behaviour of the alcoholic in my life.