Can Our Love Save Them ?
 

I went to a funeral yesterday for my friend's brother. He was 37 years old. In my friend's words, he "drank himself to death". As the minister was leading the service, he spent quite some time telling the mourners that the widow obviously had a great love for the deceased because she "stuck with him" throughout his battle with his demons. She did not abandon him. That she was there for him always.

I have seen several famous people on TV who are in recovery for drug and alcohol addiction. Almost without fail, they attribute their recovery to their loving wife who stuck by them. They couldn't have done it without her endless love and compassion. They would have surely failed in their recovery attempt if their wife hadn't been by their side encouraging them every step of the way.

The implication, of course, is that after 30 years of living with an alcoholic husband, my decision to leave him proved that I didn't have that deep, abiding love that the other wives have. Somehow my love wasn't good enough. Somehow I wasn't good enough to fix the problem.

That is just not true. My husband was - and probably always be - the love of my life. My love for him is just as deep and just as strong as anyone else in the world. There came a point when I understood I had exhausted every possible method of helping him see the light. At that point, I knew that the only help I could give him was to show him by example that alcohol is not powerful enough to control my life - if I make the choice to end that control.

I just wanted to say that they don't know - the TV personalties, the talk show hosts and even the ministers. They are not us and they don't know. Some alcoholics find recovery and some end up dead. But it is not because someone loved them deeply or didn't love them at all. It is their decision alone.

L

I don't like to compare my insides to other people's outsides. I don't think that if some other wife has stayed it's because she loved her husband more than I do if I leave my husband. Maybe those other wives didn't have the courage to go? Maybe they didn't have the strength to support themselves and didn't think they could manage without their husband's money?

I love my husband dearly, but there may come a day when enough is enough. When it's there, I hope I'm stable enough to know that it had NOTHING to do with how much I loved him. Being a doormat is not loving. Pity is not love. Caretaking/enabling is not love.

Again, I will not allow myself to compare my insides to other's outsides. I can't read minds so I will not assume to know everything that goes on in other's relationships.

I think love saves all of us from a fate worse than addiction, death or physical pain. Love saves us from being unloved.

Love doesn't have to mean living in the same house, love can exist miles apart.

Couldn't agree more, Lorelai. And it is lovely to see you popping back in. You were (and are) an inspiration to me.

For me, love is not sticking by someone no matter what. Love is about being part of providing an environment for someone's personal growth, if that doesn't sound too new-agey. And that includes mine. In a relationship where there is no addiction involved, this may mean supporting the decision to pursue a dream or reaching a compromise on working arrangements, for example. With an addict, staying by them through thick and thin may not contribute to their spiritual growth AT ALL, although it may seem so to outsiders. Letting them go and find their own way is love. This, of course, depends on the individual and the situation, however if all we are doing is perpetuating the behaviour and neglecting our own growth, then I don't really understand how this is really love.

I was reading "The Road Less Travelled" last might - can you tell?

for me... i read this thread totally different.


after the guy died, the wife received comfort from the ministers words. funerals are for the living. they are meant to comfort those that are left behind.

the guy who made her life hard,,, hes 6 ft under. he feels no pain. he also has left her with years and years of "what if's". ministers see this. they also see that this young woman is left with kids probably, and a million situations in the future that he husband wasnt strong enough to lighten her burdens.

to me dying of this disease is the easy way out. anyone can die. its easy. but it takes balls to live. and to live well.

funerals are for the living, and in many ways... a beginning to closure.

quietsins

Lorelai,

I know I just got sick and tired of being used and abused by an obviously very sick person.

So if that means my love wasn't good enough so be it.

But I found it more important to follow the teachings of my Alanon program and be true to myself. I can't help another person who doesn't want to be helped but I can help myself which is what I did.

Ngaire

I think that love can save them. I think that love eventually does save them, whether its self-love or love from someone else. But I think without love from anyone, there is no hope.

But just b/c we love them doesn't mean we can or should live with them.

((( Lorelai! )))

They'd bloody well better say it. They're living with unrecovered codies who might klong them with a skillet.

The wife of the 37 year old couldn't save him with her love and she was there until the bitter end. Some get it and some don't. If you feel you have better things to do than wait around and see if they're a getter or a nevergetter, more power to you.

HUGS!
Smoke

Love is what keeps me attached to the alcoholism of my daughter. I am working hard in Alanon to learn detached love, so her disease doesn't drag me down too.

I am learning that one of the most loving things I can do for my alcoholic daughter is allow her to experience the consequences of her drinking. This is a very painful and difficult thing to do when you see your loved one suffering from alcoholism.

Having said that, however, it's a complicated issue - and every situation is different...

Robin

If
 

love could stop addictions...ny 2 children would have been sober 30 years ago.


As for romantic love...I have loved and been loved many times. I am totally astounded at the concept of 1 life 1 love. The man I loved at 20 did not suit me at 50. Now approaching 70 I am so glad I had a grand time! :)

If the recovering people who are on TV are using AA...they are breaking AA Traditions 11 & 12. Certainly not role models.

Thanks for letting me share...

The famous people I am aware of that thanked their wives for their support are almost in every case a 2nd, 3rd or 4th wife of just a few years .. married after their husbands were famous and wealthy .. and ready to change. I have always felt that if this current new wife had instead been the "first" wife and endured years of broken promises and misery, most likely she too would have divorced this man. I have always gotten the impression that these famous men were at a point in their lives where they were finally ready to change and that the current wife just happened to be in the right place at the right time ... before years of anger and resentment built up .. when the husband was ready to seriously commit to sobriety ..after all, we can't make them change can we ..they have to want to change. Nearly every "wife" at the beginning of a marriage is deeply commited to supporting her husband in seeking a sober life and endures endless broken promises and heartache for years and years before finally moving on. I personally can't think of single famous person that has publically thanked their spouse for support that had been married for many years - I am sure there are some .. I am only aware spouses that were so supportive after knowing this "famous" person just a few years. In fact we had a very famous broadcaster & his new wife living in our own neighborhood a few years ago ... this couple had been in the paper often dealing with how he had finally turned his life around after decades of alcoholism and how much he appreciated his new wife's support. The truth was that he was already in the process of turning his life around when he met his much younger wife. I am sure that she was in awe of his prestige and wealth and more that willing to overlook a few bumpy years until he finally achieved lasting sobriety. The new wife has since been featured several times in our local paper about the dealing with the difficult "challenges" of decorating the huge mansion that his wealth provided for her. Hardly the same as the true challenges his previous wife endured with years of pain and sorrow ... and no matter what she did or how much she yearned and ached for a sober husband ...he was not ready to get sober - not for many years later after they divorced and he was near retirement. Ultimately it was only when he was finally ready to get sober and just happened to meet this new "supportive" wife .. who was just lucky enough to marry him at the right time in his life. These are just situations I have observed .. I am sure there are exceptions.

Man nobody knows anything about alcoholism unless they experienced it first hand....

For me, it comes back to the 3 c's. We didn't cause it, we can't control it, and we sure can't cure it. Not with love, threats, begging, hate, nothing, and that's the saddest part of all. If all it took was love, most alcoholics would be cured. If only it were that easy.

The love of a higher power can save them,,,,but not until they seek it.

Oh am i hearing you Lorelai...When id hear this,to, my brain would burn to toast.lol.Even some of my family members,would tell me about another couple in our family,who were also having issues with alcoholism.Well,she has her hub under control.She told him that she would leave,if he continued,and so he stoped,just like that,as they were looking down at me.How often i heard,that i just wasnt doing enough to make,yes make,,my own hub,stop,drinking.and when i was thinking about leaving,well,then they really gave it to me.I was abdaning ship,,so to speak.!..But ya know i knew the truth,.That no matter what another attibutes their soberiety to,or to whom,first that person had to be willing,open..a desire,,for changes.God work in mysteries ways.My belief is that if the person is not willing/open,,he/she will continue as they are.No matter how much another loves them.I myself as well as my hub,came to recovery when we decided,that enough was enough .Each made a decision,within ourselves,before taking action towards recovery.So today when i hear that its the love of another that attibutes to their recovery,it just doesn't bother me.Live and let live,to each their own.I just know how it works out for us.
Thanks for letting me share,
God Bless,take care!!!!!!!

Great thoughts everyone. It's always a learning experience to read all the different perspectives on what I think is so straight forward. That's one of the many things I love about this place. Always makes me think.......
Hugs - L

Well, I truly truly *believed* my love would *save and HEAL* him!

There was ONLY ONE PROBLEM! One didn't want *saving*!

The last conversation I had with him, he said something that FINALLY MADE SENSE TO ME!

He would say that I always stated that "I was not good enough for him ..... not ENOUGH for him". He said ..... you just don't get it do you ...... it's the other way around "I'm not good enough for YOU!" I can't give you what you what and deserve in a relationship nor do I want to. I *can't* stop drinking. I will never be what *YOU* need!

So after 3 years of having blinders on to what was there all along, I finally faced the truth! One cannot help or change someone that doesn't want that help or has a need to change. Yes, I see his future being sad and lonely, but he can only change that and it wasn't *about me* being enough at all ..... it was all about HIM not wanting LOVE or caring to return that LOVE ..... without me in his life now, his life is somewhat *easier* ..... no ties, no one to worry about (as if!), no one to care about BUT HIMSELF. That is how he planned his life. He alienated EVERYONE ..... subconciously it was HIS PLAN ..... so that he did not have to feel with his HEART ever again! He will live his life in love with the one thing that gives him peace ..... the bottle.

Sad, but true.

Do I still love him ..... YES! Will I ever return to him ..... NEVER! When one has exhausted everything in their power to help someone and then in return gets the same addictions and sees that they too are about to go down the tubes, you JUST CANNOT STAY ANY LONGER .... It is now a matter of LIFE OR DEATH (OUR OWN!)

Thanks for listening to me babble!

Much love and hugs to all!
Maria

I do not believe my love for anyone could save anyone from anything.

This is something that I had to let go of. They have to want it themselves.

The Road Less Traveled
 

Minnie! So glad you picked up that book - I've had it on my bookshelf fro about 15 years now, and just finished it about 2 weeks ago. As I joked to a friend, Discipline is the first sections and reading about discipline is hard! LOL....

Regardless, I HIGHLY recommend that book to anyone and everyone. Also, I just finished Further Along..., also amazing and actually goes into some depth about why AA is so great.... Those books deserve 90% of the credit for for my existing peace with my relationship with my HP. I sent a copy to my ex-ABF - maybe he'll actually read it. Onto Jung....

PS I guess he also has a book about Finding the Love you Deserve... I'm definately getting that too.

:)