I was doing so well- need help!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: north east
Posts: 58
I was doing so well- need help!!
I was doing so well. I put my long johns on and a T-shirt and jumped into bed. Like I said on my other post on this forum. I was really doing well.
My AH's mother passed yesterday. He went to his A brother house at 1:00 in the afternoon and started drinking. I know this because I had to drive by on the brother's house for my work. So I see them in the driveway drinking. His other brother and all of his sisters were taking care of his mother and the funeral stuff.
When I came back home husband and brother were still drinking four hours later. I of course became nervous and wondered if AH would cause problems here. I figured I was safe so I clilmbed into the long johns and T shirt and went to bed. I was so proud of myself!!!
Well, at 2:00 in the morning all hell broke lose here. He was driving on my lawn, shouting horrible words. Screaming at me to open the doors. Even though I live on a farm there are many neighbors in close range. I own acreage on one side of the road and on the other side of the road are many good neighbors. It is like a subdivision on one side and my farm on the other side of the road. I feel so bad so the neighbors that have to listen to his horrible words. I am so embarassed. These are my neighbors.
I stupidly let him in to shut him up. For three hours I listened to him about his mother. He would not spend time with his mother when she was alive- he thought it was his sisters' job to take care of her. He did not visit her very often.
Finally after three hours I told what I thought of him. First of all I told him he was a terrible son and terrible husband. He smashed everything he could get his hands on. I started screaming in his face and was very upset. Then I just sat down on the floor in the kitchen next to the stove and started to sob. I cried and cried. He told me I was a fu$$ing bitch and then left.
Frankly, I feel like cr@@. I did not sleep at all. I called the sober brother in the morning about 9:00AM and told him I would not be at the calling hours but would be at the funeral for my mother-in-law.
I thought I was so strong but I am still weak!!!
How do I really become strong?
My AH's mother passed yesterday. He went to his A brother house at 1:00 in the afternoon and started drinking. I know this because I had to drive by on the brother's house for my work. So I see them in the driveway drinking. His other brother and all of his sisters were taking care of his mother and the funeral stuff.
When I came back home husband and brother were still drinking four hours later. I of course became nervous and wondered if AH would cause problems here. I figured I was safe so I clilmbed into the long johns and T shirt and went to bed. I was so proud of myself!!!
Well, at 2:00 in the morning all hell broke lose here. He was driving on my lawn, shouting horrible words. Screaming at me to open the doors. Even though I live on a farm there are many neighbors in close range. I own acreage on one side of the road and on the other side of the road are many good neighbors. It is like a subdivision on one side and my farm on the other side of the road. I feel so bad so the neighbors that have to listen to his horrible words. I am so embarassed. These are my neighbors.
I stupidly let him in to shut him up. For three hours I listened to him about his mother. He would not spend time with his mother when she was alive- he thought it was his sisters' job to take care of her. He did not visit her very often.
Finally after three hours I told what I thought of him. First of all I told him he was a terrible son and terrible husband. He smashed everything he could get his hands on. I started screaming in his face and was very upset. Then I just sat down on the floor in the kitchen next to the stove and started to sob. I cried and cried. He told me I was a fu$$ing bitch and then left.
Frankly, I feel like cr@@. I did not sleep at all. I called the sober brother in the morning about 9:00AM and told him I would not be at the calling hours but would be at the funeral for my mother-in-law.
I thought I was so strong but I am still weak!!!
How do I really become strong?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Anaheim,CA
Posts: 549
((((humming bird))))
YOU didn't cause the ruckus. YOU didn't give birth to him and he is not under the age of reason. Therefore, no need for you to be embarrassed.
You do it one day at a time, one step at a time.
Find an al-anon meeting in your 'hood. Go regularly. READ READ READ. Post and read posts...ask questions. Many people here have had similar experiences, they can tell what worked for them and what failed miserably.
Learn to set boundaries with your hub and how to stick to them.
Peace at home IS possible. Many here have found serenity, some with, some without the A's in their lives.
It's time to focus on YOU. Get you healthy. Most of us have found that our A's don't like it much but it's just plain weird to love someone and not want what's best for them. Keep that in mind.
I am so sorry you went through all this. Take care of yourself. Make sure you're safe. I hope you'll be here often and that you find some peace.
(((humming bird)))
I am so embarassed.
How do I really become strong?
Find an al-anon meeting in your 'hood. Go regularly. READ READ READ. Post and read posts...ask questions. Many people here have had similar experiences, they can tell what worked for them and what failed miserably.
Learn to set boundaries with your hub and how to stick to them.
Peace at home IS possible. Many here have found serenity, some with, some without the A's in their lives.
It's time to focus on YOU. Get you healthy. Most of us have found that our A's don't like it much but it's just plain weird to love someone and not want what's best for them. Keep that in mind.
I am so sorry you went through all this. Take care of yourself. Make sure you're safe. I hope you'll be here often and that you find some peace.
(((humming bird)))
Member
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: US
Posts: 316
You start tomorrow. A new day.
Obviously your husband is gieving in a very unhealthy way.
Do exactly what you need to do to take care of yourself. Find your boundary and stick with it.
In terms of the neighbors...YOU are not driving on the lawn and swearing. He is. It is not your behavior to be ashamed of (oh my...I need to listen to my OWN words!).
Tomorrow. It is not too late. One day at a time. You can do it and you can be strong. Use your resources, find support and be very very kind to yourself.
Jenny
Obviously your husband is gieving in a very unhealthy way.
Do exactly what you need to do to take care of yourself. Find your boundary and stick with it.
In terms of the neighbors...YOU are not driving on the lawn and swearing. He is. It is not your behavior to be ashamed of (oh my...I need to listen to my OWN words!).
Tomorrow. It is not too late. One day at a time. You can do it and you can be strong. Use your resources, find support and be very very kind to yourself.
Jenny
too much on my plate!!
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: not kissing frogs anymore
Posts: 646
(((((((((((HB)))))))))))
It's not your fault! Have you thought about going to Al-Anon meetings? Also, what about getting a Restraining Order on him? That way he will be arrested if he comes within so many feet of you. I think you need to protect yourself from him.
I know many counties and cities have a Domestic Violence Advocate that can help you fill out all the paper work and even go with you to court. They are very supportive. I wish you the best! Please take care of YOU!!
It's not your fault! Have you thought about going to Al-Anon meetings? Also, what about getting a Restraining Order on him? That way he will be arrested if he comes within so many feet of you. I think you need to protect yourself from him.
I know many counties and cities have a Domestic Violence Advocate that can help you fill out all the paper work and even go with you to court. They are very supportive. I wish you the best! Please take care of YOU!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: north east
Posts: 58
Thany you so much for your support. I really need it. Please pray for me as I am lost!
I have gone to al-anon and the people there thought I was making up the horrible life I am living. I just quit going. I have posted I am seeing a wonderful doctor now that is helping me. HOWEVER, AH is very angry that I am seeing this man that is making me see that I am not living in a normal word.
After lurking here on this forum for months and going to the doctor I finally realized I am not crazy. I thought I was so strong to kick AH out and try to get back into my own life. I felt so proud to sleep in a nightgown for the first time in many years!!! However, after last night I know I am still weak!!!
When I went to Al-anon none of the members were dealing with what I was dealing with. I guess it is time to come clean with all of you here.
Last summer when the AH would get really drunk which was at least four times a week. He would take off all of his clothes and urinate in front of the neighbors. This included little girls across the road. He would go the the neighbors naked and urinate in their front lawn because he thought they should live in the city. These people have built a very nice home are great people. I wished they would call 911 when this happens. I have called 911 when this has happened and it just makes him more angry at me the next time he gets drunk!!!
He keeps the whole neighborhood awake with his screaming and bad lanuage for hours. His words are so bad. He could yell at me inside this home - but no he has to stand outside and scream at me so everyone can hear.
He as masturbated in front one one of my woman workers here on the farm. It is all so sick!
I thought I was so strong to kick him out. However, he keeps coming back and screams at me in my front yard. I know after last night I will have to take legal action to keep him away.
Has anyone else had to deal with these problems? I just pray to God to keep giving the strength to get this mess behind me. I am a wreck again!!!
I have gone to al-anon and the people there thought I was making up the horrible life I am living. I just quit going. I have posted I am seeing a wonderful doctor now that is helping me. HOWEVER, AH is very angry that I am seeing this man that is making me see that I am not living in a normal word.
After lurking here on this forum for months and going to the doctor I finally realized I am not crazy. I thought I was so strong to kick AH out and try to get back into my own life. I felt so proud to sleep in a nightgown for the first time in many years!!! However, after last night I know I am still weak!!!
When I went to Al-anon none of the members were dealing with what I was dealing with. I guess it is time to come clean with all of you here.
Last summer when the AH would get really drunk which was at least four times a week. He would take off all of his clothes and urinate in front of the neighbors. This included little girls across the road. He would go the the neighbors naked and urinate in their front lawn because he thought they should live in the city. These people have built a very nice home are great people. I wished they would call 911 when this happens. I have called 911 when this has happened and it just makes him more angry at me the next time he gets drunk!!!
He keeps the whole neighborhood awake with his screaming and bad lanuage for hours. His words are so bad. He could yell at me inside this home - but no he has to stand outside and scream at me so everyone can hear.
He as masturbated in front one one of my woman workers here on the farm. It is all so sick!
I thought I was so strong to kick him out. However, he keeps coming back and screams at me in my front yard. I know after last night I will have to take legal action to keep him away.
Has anyone else had to deal with these problems? I just pray to God to keep giving the strength to get this mess behind me. I am a wreck again!!!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Los Angeles CA
Posts: 149
i have some resistance to alanon, but have found that it has saved my butt on many occassions-- you won't know if anyone has your experience unless you show up, share, and listen--i think you'd be surprised. try different groups until you find one you like. there are all kinds of experiences--you will find support
perbear
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Saskatoon Saskatchewan
Posts: 19
Sorry to hear of your difficult time! Like others have said srength will come one day at a time. Sounds like you did the best you could in a difficult situation, change does not always come as quick as we would like but your still looking for answers and still heading in the right direction. You can be proud of that! You have not given up you just had one of those many unfotunate experiences that seem to hit everyonce in a while in early sobriety. Often something that seems unbarable today in a month it is considerably less traumatic and in a year it is often insignificant. Keep striving for progress and gradually you will start to see that you are strong. Keep your chin up and the plug in the jug!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Anaheim,CA
Posts: 549
Sweetie, he has more problems than just being an A.
He's exposing himself in front of others, including children. He is raging out of control. You have already made him leave, but he continues to return and when he does, it sounds as if it's to cause trouble.
Please consider visiting Domestic Violence/Restraining Order Info Go to the list on the left and find your state. Once you have an order the police will take more effort to protect you. You could share the information with your neighbors and with the workers so they too would feel free to call 911 when he starts.
It's all about YOU. Helping YOU be safe, safe in your own home, on your own farm, in your own life.
I got a restraining order this week. Is it easy? No. Is it necessary? Yes.
Your AH is responsible for his own behavior. Remember Newton's third law, for every action is an equal and opposite reaction. He's has done the action you are doing him a disservice if you allow him in to protect him from the reaction. It keeps you, your workers and your neighbors in potential danger.
I am sorry you've had a bad time at al-anon. How about trying the online meetings? It's a good way to safely stick your toe back in tht water. You also may want to try another group in your area.
Do not fear the truth. No one here will judge you. And no one will hold you accountable for the actions of another. In more way than one, the truth shall set you free.
Please take care of yourself and keep yourself safe. You deserve so much more.
He's exposing himself in front of others, including children. He is raging out of control. You have already made him leave, but he continues to return and when he does, it sounds as if it's to cause trouble.
Please consider visiting Domestic Violence/Restraining Order Info Go to the list on the left and find your state. Once you have an order the police will take more effort to protect you. You could share the information with your neighbors and with the workers so they too would feel free to call 911 when he starts.
It's all about YOU. Helping YOU be safe, safe in your own home, on your own farm, in your own life.
I got a restraining order this week. Is it easy? No. Is it necessary? Yes.
Your AH is responsible for his own behavior. Remember Newton's third law, for every action is an equal and opposite reaction. He's has done the action you are doing him a disservice if you allow him in to protect him from the reaction. It keeps you, your workers and your neighbors in potential danger.
I am sorry you've had a bad time at al-anon. How about trying the online meetings? It's a good way to safely stick your toe back in tht water. You also may want to try another group in your area.
Do not fear the truth. No one here will judge you. And no one will hold you accountable for the actions of another. In more way than one, the truth shall set you free.
Please take care of yourself and keep yourself safe. You deserve so much more.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: over the rainbow
Posts: 487
you know, i am not trying to mean, but when you hear about when they do crap like this isn't it enough to make you want to put them out of their misery. not advocating anything, just wish we could get the jungle doctors out with a Giant tranquilizer gun, shoot em, put them in a net and take them to the zoo.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Canada
Posts: 42
So sorry for the hard time you have and continue to have because of AH. I understand your embarrassment because of your neighbors. My husband would do the same thing, he would always go out to the front of the house when drinking and he would be very loud or fall down drunk. I would apologize to neighbors for the noise, etc. I was humilated when it was first happened the day we moved here and still am. Even though I know it isn't me, it isn't my fault or behavior and I am not responsible for what he does. I tried my best to keep him inside or at the back of house which is more private. But, still we take that on ourselves, yet another burden of the AH and it shouldn't be that way.
The fact that your Ah is exposing himself and engaing in indecent behavior is yet another concern. Why don't your neighbors call the police on him? is it out of respect to you? They would do you a better service by having him arrested, then it wouldn't come back on you from Ah if you called the police on him . IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT!!!! NONE OF IT!!!
I was quite upset to hear how you were judged at al-anon. No one has the right to question or judge someone else's situation to the extent of accusing them of fabricating or making up a story. It is painful enough to bring yourself to share it. I hope you can find another meeting where people are more suppportive.
You are brave, don't question that.
The fact that your Ah is exposing himself and engaing in indecent behavior is yet another concern. Why don't your neighbors call the police on him? is it out of respect to you? They would do you a better service by having him arrested, then it wouldn't come back on you from Ah if you called the police on him . IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT!!!! NONE OF IT!!!
I was quite upset to hear how you were judged at al-anon. No one has the right to question or judge someone else's situation to the extent of accusing them of fabricating or making up a story. It is painful enough to bring yourself to share it. I hope you can find another meeting where people are more suppportive.
You are brave, don't question that.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Litterbox City
Posts: 5,691
hummingbird - i too am so sorry you are having a bad time again. as for the al-anon thing - just like other groups of people, there are good and not so good. take WTL's advice and try some online meetings here first to make you feel more comfortable - this bunch of folks on this site are awesome and i think it will show you that not all is judgemental. we here totally understand where you are coming from and you don't need to feel ashamed for other's actions. the restraining order thing sounds like a valid need for you! we're here for you - hang in there - and put that nughtgown back on!!!!!
hugs - chris
hugs - chris
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
Originally Posted by escape artist
you know, i am not trying to mean, but when you hear about when they do crap like this isn't it enough to make you want to put them out of their misery. not advocating anything, just wish we could get the jungle doctors out with a Giant tranquilizer gun, shoot em, put them in a net and take them to the zoo.
OMG! That is absolutely hilarious! I would love to have someone on standby when an "episode" is happening!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: north east
Posts: 58
I know it it now Sunday but this is how Saturday went.
AH shows up at farm about 12:00 to find his suit and shirt and a tie for his mother's calling hours for 2-4. He tells me to go with him him. I told him that we had agreed that I would go to the 7-9 hours later in the day. However , he was driunk when we agreed yesterday. So he leaves and I do my farm chores.
I do not hear from him so at 5:45 I leave the farm to run some errands and get some supplies needed for the farm. The farm is how I make my living.
I run the errands for the farm supplies and one stop at my dear deloved Walmart for smypathy cards for all his bothers and sisters. (I have spent many nights at Walmart to escape his drunks!!!!) I am at the funeral home at 6:45. He is not there. I get along well with all of his sisters and brothers - except for his A brother. They all greet me with big smiles and hugs. They all now how he is.
When AH gets there he has had three hours to drink between the calling hours. He is of course drunk and angry. He walks up to me and says I thought you were coming wih me. I tell him he never called me so I just had some errands to run but I am now here for him and his family. He was so angry. He just left me alone. His sisters are great and took me under their wing. They are great girls. I love them and they love me. They told me just to ignore him.
When the calling hours were over I guess he had sobered up some. I told him I loved him and I would see him at his mother's funeral on Monday. He asked want I was going to next. I told him I was going to go grocery shopping for the week. I am very busy on the farm now.
Well, I saw him at the store too. I asked him if he thought I was not telling him the truth. He said he was just hungry and buying some stuff. I think he was checking up on me. I have no other love intrest in my life. Frankly, I could not handle an other man in my life for a long long time!!!
For some odd reasom this man that is my husband had to shake my hand at the store and say take care. This is the crazy drunk that could care less if I am on the roads at 2 or 3:00 AM trying to escape his drunken rage.
How strange for him. I did gain a lot of strength from his sisters today. They told me that I was great for their Mother and just stay strong. I really needed that.
I can say I tired of living in his drunk world, but sometimes he scares me. It is all so not normal. Do you know what I mean?
AH shows up at farm about 12:00 to find his suit and shirt and a tie for his mother's calling hours for 2-4. He tells me to go with him him. I told him that we had agreed that I would go to the 7-9 hours later in the day. However , he was driunk when we agreed yesterday. So he leaves and I do my farm chores.
I do not hear from him so at 5:45 I leave the farm to run some errands and get some supplies needed for the farm. The farm is how I make my living.
I run the errands for the farm supplies and one stop at my dear deloved Walmart for smypathy cards for all his bothers and sisters. (I have spent many nights at Walmart to escape his drunks!!!!) I am at the funeral home at 6:45. He is not there. I get along well with all of his sisters and brothers - except for his A brother. They all greet me with big smiles and hugs. They all now how he is.
When AH gets there he has had three hours to drink between the calling hours. He is of course drunk and angry. He walks up to me and says I thought you were coming wih me. I tell him he never called me so I just had some errands to run but I am now here for him and his family. He was so angry. He just left me alone. His sisters are great and took me under their wing. They are great girls. I love them and they love me. They told me just to ignore him.
When the calling hours were over I guess he had sobered up some. I told him I loved him and I would see him at his mother's funeral on Monday. He asked want I was going to next. I told him I was going to go grocery shopping for the week. I am very busy on the farm now.
Well, I saw him at the store too. I asked him if he thought I was not telling him the truth. He said he was just hungry and buying some stuff. I think he was checking up on me. I have no other love intrest in my life. Frankly, I could not handle an other man in my life for a long long time!!!
For some odd reasom this man that is my husband had to shake my hand at the store and say take care. This is the crazy drunk that could care less if I am on the roads at 2 or 3:00 AM trying to escape his drunken rage.
How strange for him. I did gain a lot of strength from his sisters today. They told me that I was great for their Mother and just stay strong. I really needed that.
I can say I tired of living in his drunk world, but sometimes he scares me. It is all so not normal. Do you know what I mean?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Canada.....Eh?
Posts: 54
((((((((((hummingbird)))))))))))
I am soooo sorry for what you are going though right now. I really do not have any advice for you.(as i am very new here too.) Just hugs and prayers going your way tonight.
I am soooo sorry for what you are going though right now. I really do not have any advice for you.(as i am very new here too.) Just hugs and prayers going your way tonight.
How Important Is It?
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Cyberia
Posts: 612
Hi Hummingbird:
I'm sending love and blessings to you as you work through this.
I was troubled that you had a bad experience with Alanon. I go to three different meetings in my area and I find that each group is different.
Personally, I find one of the groups extremely helpful, and the other two groups only average. I also bought two of the Alanon books and I read them every day. I am also using the slogans and I have started praying and meditating - all of this really helps calm the daily craziness of living with an alcoholic.
You see, we are as sick as the alcoholic by the time we come to Alanon. By getting well ourselves, all of the other stuff becomes easier to handle. But it's a slow process, and it takes time and effort.
Peace and serenity to you.
Robin
I'm sending love and blessings to you as you work through this.
I was troubled that you had a bad experience with Alanon. I go to three different meetings in my area and I find that each group is different.
Personally, I find one of the groups extremely helpful, and the other two groups only average. I also bought two of the Alanon books and I read them every day. I am also using the slogans and I have started praying and meditating - all of this really helps calm the daily craziness of living with an alcoholic.
You see, we are as sick as the alcoholic by the time we come to Alanon. By getting well ourselves, all of the other stuff becomes easier to handle. But it's a slow process, and it takes time and effort.
Peace and serenity to you.
Robin
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: northern minnesota
Posts: 269
sweetie.. get a restraining order. my first husbands father sat outside my picture window for hours and hours at a time... watching me... and following me.. because he was as sick as his son.
you will become stronger. heck give yourself credit for the steps you have already taken. you went to a dr. you got on the boards..
you are going to get better. it takes time.. but it happens.. it truly does.
quietsins
you will become stronger. heck give yourself credit for the steps you have already taken. you went to a dr. you got on the boards..
you are going to get better. it takes time.. but it happens.. it truly does.
quietsins
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: north east
Posts: 58
Thank you everyone. It was a really hard day for me
I went to my mother-in laws funeral. I went with AH. He was sober and looks terrible.
His sisters and brothers were great to me. They hugged me and told me I was doing the right thing. They also told me to take care of myslef. I guess AH has been plastered and on the pills. They told me he has been so rude to them.
Anyway, I went to the funeral which was sad and I left alone. They had a get together at our local Legion. AH had to stay and drink. I followed the minister and his wife to the hosptial to visit my sister-in law that collapsed and was hosprialized.
Anyways it was a sad day.
Again thanks for all the help- I guess I need it!!!
My love to all of you!!!
I went to my mother-in laws funeral. I went with AH. He was sober and looks terrible.
His sisters and brothers were great to me. They hugged me and told me I was doing the right thing. They also told me to take care of myslef. I guess AH has been plastered and on the pills. They told me he has been so rude to them.
Anyway, I went to the funeral which was sad and I left alone. They had a get together at our local Legion. AH had to stay and drink. I followed the minister and his wife to the hosptial to visit my sister-in law that collapsed and was hosprialized.
Anyways it was a sad day.
Again thanks for all the help- I guess I need it!!!
My love to all of you!!!
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